Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Rules 7, 8, 12, clover. And get out before you get sucked in any further. He does not respect or care for you 💐

I know it sounds terrible.
The supermarket argument was a young guy in the car next to us called him a c**t for parking too close.
He jumped out, what did you call me etc etc, the guy drove away but he followed banging his hand on the car.
The tail gating did make me very uncomfortable.

@SortingItOut his good points. He listens to me, he is there, the texts etc mean so much to me having someone care about me. I'm struggling though tbh.
He is a great dad, he is very kind to his kids.
I don't know. He's just my person and I will feel lonely without him, but that's more reflective of me and my needs then us as a couple even I can see that.
Shit.
You're right, I dont have hobbies, I have been working from home and I have gone from sad, divorced and lonely to this that filled a massive void. And I'm scared of being that alone again with nothing to fill it.
I honestly am in awe of how filled some of your lives are !!!

I have read the Tiktok, it was an anti feminist thing I'm embarrassed to admit. I just replied morning, which is unheard of for me, I always chat and gush.

@Clovertoast

It's ok, we've all accepted shit behaviour because we don't want to be lonely.

I know I have many many times. I'm starting to recognise it now.

clover never think others have fabulous lives because they almost never do. We're all on here because we lack love in our lives. And we're all in lockdown so friends and hobbies are not really on. And if you wfh, your world really has shrunk. It's about enjoying your own company these days, I think. Then you're not tempted to be with just anyone who'll give you the time of day. Easier said than done. There's lots of online counselling out there - maybe that could give you some perspective?

@Clovertoast do you know why he split with his ex? And have you met her? If so...does she present as he has made out.

Just wondering if what he's said about the split is true. Maybe he was like this with her , she had enough and that's why he's so angry with her.

@Clovertoast
So he doesnt actually enhance your life much but he stops you being lonely....

On here we always recommend taking time to find yourself after a relationship and this is exactly why, you end up settling for less than you deserve.

And is he such a good dad really if he sends abusive texts to their mum and I bet he doesnt hold his anger in when around them so they get to see his abusive nature too.

Its good you can recognise your boundaries are skewed because it means you can improve things.

I know lockdown has meant finding new things to do hard but I think finding some new things to do for yourself should be paramount.
Dont be jealous of us filling our time, some of us just find it easier than others.

He sent you an antifeminist tiktok and you've just said morning, if you dont like what he sent you need to tell him.

I'm wondering if he sees you as more of a mate because that tiktok would appear to be what men send each other. Why would he send you something like that?

She instigated the divorce apparently. He has been open about that. She apparently had had enough . He says he begged her to try counselling etc but she said no. His parent died, he said he withdrew and then a few months later she started the divorce.
I know she called the police because she said he shoved her during an argument about children and he took a long time to tell me that because of my past. He is furious she did that because he says he didnt do anything and she jeopardized his career.
He didn't move out they lived separately and the house had to be sold so hes quite stubborn.
Eurgh I don't know.
These are all the bad things.
He's very lovely to me.
I think its ME thats fuked it up.
I was upset when i realised me coming on the train had stopped him seeing his parent.
He kept saying it wasnt my fault , that he should have thought etc, he told me to stop apologising as it was irritating.
I then withdrew in panic and went quiet. So we had a horrendous tense 24 hours with him being depressed and us not talking.
I think its made him change his opinion of me.
I think I've made myself look clingy and pathetic

She was scared enough to call the police after being pushed...I would not believe a word he's told you really. I imagine his anger issues are worse than he's making out, you've seen snippets with the tailgating and confronting the other driver.

So far you've been very agreeing with him which may be why anger has not been directed at you yet.

It's not you honestly clover I promise. You haven't ruined anything, I know I always blame myself too. I think it's low confidence with me and trying to make sure I've not done anything wrong when really I should be more assertive.

clover repeat after me: "it's not me, it's him".

He is just lovely enough to keep you hanging around. There are red flags in everything you say. It will get worse. And the longer you stay in this the harder it will be for you to get out. But get out you must. He shoved his ex. How long before he shoves you?

Please stop this. It will not get any better. You deserve so much more.

@cravingthelook thanks for the new thread!

@Clovertoast I'm the same age as you, and it is still possible to change if you really want to, and get the help you need. I've felt the same - stuck with relationships that weren't right as I felt that being lonely and sad was the worse alternative. It isn't though. If you do decide to walk away, it'll hurt like hell to start with, and will take time to recover - but eventually you'll be happier, and when you look back at things you'll be glad you did.

I agree with the others who have replied to you - he doesn't seem to have many good points, and lots of red flags - especially the anger and lack of affection. You come across as really caring and decent, and you deserve someone who appreciates you, cares for you and respects you. If Mr P isn't going to help himself to be the person who can give that to you, then only you can decide if you are willing to accept that - but as an outsider, based on what you've written it doesn't look like there's much to keep you with him.

All these things take time, and start with small steps. It sounds like you could do with a little boost to your self confidence, and to start doing stuff for you. Maybe take a bit of time to think about what you might like to do. Options are pretty limited due to lockdown, but how about an online course in something that interests you? Or something artistic to occupy yourself? Physical exercise is also a good option for improving self confidence too. I've also found counselling useful too in working out why I do certain things, and how I can go about changing.

Sorry @clovertoast but he’s actually very abusive to you.

That’s he's not as bad as your ex ( for now !!!) doesn’t mean he’s abusive.

And you are allowing it.

I feel for you we’ve all been there where we want to clutch on to the good- I see very little good here. You’re miserable. A lot of heartache for very little in return.

It will hurt but you need to let it go. You’ll be fine. All of us on here have suffered various but we are all here still standing!

I’m rooting for you - you can do this !

@Clovertoast
He's got you well trained already, his depression is worse due to Xmas and instead of owning that and asking for space he has made you feel you are the problem and if you had done more then he would be better/nicer to you.

I'm not sure whst happened in your marriage but it seems your relationship with Mr P isnt as bsd so you accept it but any abuse is bad.
A good analogy I see is that if abuse was shit, how much would you drink in a cup of tea?
Just because Mr P is not 100% abusive doesnt mean that because he is 10% abusive that is any better.
You wouldnt drink a cup of tea thats 10%shit.

He definitely shoved his ex and the reason he was pissed off wasnt because his job was jeopardised but because he thought he had enough control of her that she wouldnt report a shove to the police and he realised he had lost control of her.
He cant admit to you he shoved her because thats a line you've drawn and you might end things...he is testing your boundaries by all the angry stuff and he knows you tolerate it, it wont be long before he admits he shoved her but it was accidental/she deserved it etc

I agree with others, he is just the right amount of nice that keeps you right where he wants you.

You deserve so much better especially after your abusive marriage.

Shoving his ex, tailgating and ranting at other drivers are not normal behaviour. There's no excuse for this.

Like others have said, it's not you - please don't talk yourself into believing that you've messed this up.

My word @Clovertoast I really feel for you, this must feel like a shit way to start the year. But try to think of it as an opportunity - to assert yourself, to be free, to value the decency and kindness you have and hold them tight. Mr P is a mess but he’s not your mess. Thank your lucky stars that you can step away from him for good.

46 is no age. I’m changing all the time, at 58!

[quote SortingItOut]**@Clovertoast
He's got you well trained already, his depression is worse due to Xmas and instead of owning that and asking for space he has made you feel you are the problem and if you had done more then he would be better/nicer to you.

I'm not sure whst happened in your marriage but it seems your relationship with Mr P isnt as bsd so you accept it but any abuse is bad.
A good analogy I see is that if abuse was shit, how much would you drink in a cup of tea?
Just because Mr P is not 100% abusive doesnt mean that because he is 10% abusive that is any better.
You wouldnt drink a cup of tea thats 10%shit.

He definitely shoved his ex and the reason he was pissed off wasnt because his job was jeopardised but because he thought he had enough control of her that she wouldnt report a shove to the police and he realised he had lost control of her.
He cant admit to you he shoved her because thats a line you've drawn and you might end things...he is testing your boundaries by all the angry stuff and he knows you tolerate it, it wont be long before he admits he shoved her but it was accidental/she deserved it etc

I agree with others, he is just the right amount of nice that keeps you right where he wants you.

You deserve so much better especially after your abusive marriage.[/quote]
Well said !!It won’t be long before he shoves you @Clovertoast - he’s tested you thus far/ supermarket clash and the tailgating and you’ve said nothing. I would have asked him to park and let me out even on the motorway !

Imagine if something had happened to you - then your kids would be solely in the care of your abusive ex.

Last comment I promise I’m not being mean just alarmed at how you are minimising ALL he’s done and I’m pretty sure there’s other stuff you haven’t shared.

I feel like I've made him sound terrible. We do have lots of lovely times together but I am taking all the comments on board.
It doesn't feel like he's abusive, but, he is very very depressed and thats draining I wont lie.
He sent me a whatsap about an hour ago asking me how I am today. I said I was walking in the park clearing my head. Which I am !
He has replied saying he is very down as the kids have just gone. That this time of year sucks, always will, nothing can change it and no one can help.
I replied I'm sorry he's sad and I didnt know what to say. He replied " there is nothing you can say to help, nobody can I'm just voicing"

I dont know what to do with that?
I now feel like I should comfort him, but if I'm there it will be silent and I will feel awkward because I cant force jollity. Then he will think I'm boring again.
Whst would you reply to that??

Thanks for the welcome

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think you are right in that whilst a new iron may behave better than an ex, it is important to not forget certain key traits should be there.

I am finding that MrGlasgow (MrG) has traits I like too - as in how often he has his children and how much he does with them. It is difficult at the moment as partly it could be down to the current restrictions that it doesn’t feel as natural as it maybe could have done. We have only actually had one date out out - otherwise they have been walking dates or now we are support bubbles for each other, indoors at home. I do like him and usually we have a fairly similar level of comms. Possibly I would be happier with a bit more some days, but he had a full on busy job and it isn’t always possible.

I agree with everyone @Clovertoast in that he does sound abusive. The tailgating and shoving sound unacceptable. Also be mindful of there being 2 sides to every story and I am sure his ex wouldn’t describe it as a little shove, especially if it was bad enough that she felt she ought to call the police.

My ex has been a nightmare on many occasions, but he has also managed to persuade someone to go out with him (they live together in her place so he is probably on best behaviour for now) when I was ill, I found the unfairness of this really hard. I sort of know his girlfriend, she is an ok person, so am not sure what he said to her as to why he saw his children once a blue moon. I am pretty sure he hasn’t been fully truthful though...

@Clovertoast from those texts it appears he's wanting sympathy and you to be all over him. He hasn't asked you anything, I would try and ignore it.

I've had this, it's always all about them though....always the victim. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it just doesn't seem like he's there for you much.

I know it will be incredibly hard to just finish it, so maybe try and distance yourself a little bit and detach then see how you feel.

He sounds draining for you.

Hi Clovertoast just popping by to say in your position,I wouldn't say you're sorry for how hes feeling . It feels like you're taking the blame for how he feels. Maybe a ' oh dear,hope you feel better soon,I'm off for a walk'. Very hard for you and to know what to do so I do sympathise.
I'm meant to be going on a walk tomorrow with someone but today he's gone very quiet,I've no idea what's going on?!

I like that advice @kerkyra

@Clovertoast just take time

The apps do seem to be slightly busier now. But I've still the same brick wall/head thing going on!

The one I really like the look of has gone quiet after a really promising couple of days of chatting, after I asked if she was free this weekend for a walk. She'd said the previous day that she would love to meet, so it all seemed positive - but I haven't heard from her in over 24 hours. I'm not sure whether I should message her again, or if that would look too needy?

My video date last night postponed until today, but I've not heard anything from her since so not sure that will happen.

I've got a cold walk in the park arranged next Saturday with Miss Dallas, and continue to chat to Miss Pink who I was due to meet back in December until Tier 4 scuppered our plans. Hopefully we can arrange something when places open up a bit.

Getting a bit fed up with one-sided conversations too, e.g., "Hi new iron, it's great to match, blah, blah, blah. That's such a cool dog in your photo - is it yours? What's his or her name?"

"Lassie"

Am I expecting too much for someone to ask me something back?

I'm getting annoyed with that too cat.

Had a few conversations but they literally dry up unless I keep on asking stuff and I can't be bothered. I find so many of them just give one or two word answers. How hard can it be to find someone who can have a conversation 🤔 😁

Very

(sorry - that was too easy )

It is strange though, as quite a few women I speak to say they wish guys would talk to them, ask questions, not be weird or sleazy. Yet when I try, it's like wading through treacle.

I seem to have been unmatched mid-conversation by someone after she asked what I did for work... I get the impression she was a bit snooty though, and I guess I wasn't the hedge fund manager she was looking for.

😁😁

That is snooty and very rude isn't it, best rid of those types early on anyway.

I spoke to one guy and wrote a paragraph and was received with "Ha".

TheCatWithTheHat I love that you always have so many possible irons on the go,what is your secret 🙂 .
I have had quite a few tinder chats lately but nothing has come from any. I was meant to meet one a few weeks back for a walk in my village and waited twenty minutes getting more and more annoyed.Thinking where the hell are you you bastard and then going home then driving back just to check! Only to then find loads of messages from him on my tablet that he was stuck in hs2 traffic and been diverted and was behind a lorry in some lane. How sorry he was.I calmed down and sent a oh,dont worry message but although it hurt me at the time and wasnt his fault,it took me most of the day to recover from thinking I'd been stood up (again.....last time being someone on tinder I was going to meet at night on a village bench.yes,very cringe!).
With so much letting down and uncertainty, any irons I chat to now,I'm a bit wary of their intent. All I know,if they arent really bothered to be consistent and reliable,I'm out. But also I dont want someone a bit too eager,that would put me off 🤷‍♀️
Like you I need to meet fast and quick! A few days of messages and if no meeting suggested by them,I may hint but then I lose interest.I had too many years on pof where so many liked a pen friend.Though I did have loads of dates actually,so may try it again.
But no,I wouldn't message again,they know you're there