Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've been off the threads for a while as I couldn't be bothered with online dating but I'm now back on the proverbial horse...

@Clovertoast

Sorry was it you that he said something to and made you cry in bed ?

That list was NOT good Clover. Even with lockdown this should be the honeymoon period where you are actively courting, dating. Maybe he is depressed and that leads to the not showering, but the not kissing etc those would really bother me.

Don’t be afraid to let go .. better is ahead.

@Clovertoast
I wrote this post after your post on the old thresd and didnt realise it had closed so I've copied and pasted it here but also want to comment on your new posts on here:

Sorry to hear about things with Mr P, depression is the illness with no answers, he wont know why he feels sad, he just does, you are probably the only good thing in his life but when he is really low he wont be thinking about that, the bad stuff over rides that.

Personally for me I wont be in a relationship with someone with severe depression again. My ex husband has severe depression, we were together 19years (married 17) and honestly it was such hard work and I cant do it again.
His moods controlled the whole house and special dates made him even sadder which was understandable.
His dad died on Valentines Day so we didnt celebrate that and his dad and me shared a birthday so he was always morose on my birthday which wasn't great for me (selfish I know), Xmas was also really hard for him as he had an abusive childhood and xmas was always unhappy.
I loved him and put up with it but over the years I wished I had walked away at the first hint of his health, he kept his mental health issues well hidden for a good few years (i knew he took antidepressants but not how ill he really was).
I made the mistake of thinking I could fix him and of course you cant.
As a pp said he has to help himself. Apart from the antidepressants is he doing anything else to help his mental health? Counselling?

Although 2020 was odd because of Covid I think you have to accept that if you stay together most xmases and New Years will follow this pattern and only you can decide if this is what you want.

The sitting in silence used to do my head in but at least because we lived together I would go off and do stuff around the house and leave him to it, if you are just visiting him its not like you can just go off and start doing housework or tidying the garden.

If you still want a relationship with him I would continue with the good night and good morning texts and maybe ask how he is and thats it.
Leave him for a few days without getting too deep and hopefully his mood will improve as Xmas properly ends and then you can have a discussion about things

@Clovertoast
Why are all your dates at his with you cooking?
That seems the wrong way round to me....is there a reason you dont meet at yours especially when you dont drive? It must be tedious getting the train all the time.
Why are you cooking at his house?

The lack of kissing is a big issue, i think its a very intimate thing to do when in a relationship.

Not caring about hygiene and cleanliness is a symptom of depression but could equally be that he doesnt think he needs to try.

The love one is difficult because Mr K and I havent said we love each other and we're 15mths in. I'm not bothered because I've still got my guard up and wont ever be able to say it as it will make me vulnerable but if it bothers you then you need to discuss it.

The talking about the exwife may just be him offloading as he has no one else or he sees you as his support and expects you to listen to his rants.
For me the issue isnt him talking about his ex wife all the time but more about him ranting about her.
Are his rants justified or he is just an unreasonable, angry man?
Him calling you stupid and talking about your parenting skills reducing you to tears are red flags. I wonder if this is just whst he is like.

Just because he is your first boyfriend after an abusive marriage and you've spent 11 months together doesnt mean you cant just walk away.
It will hurt like hell but you deserve more you deserve to be treated better and you need to be able to talk to him about this.

@cravingthelook
Thanks for the new thread.

Looking forward to 2021 - lets see where this year takes me😁

@Ruralbliss in your shoes I would definitely take this opportunity to delete and block Mr VW. He has no manners and is terrible at sex. Honestly, what is the point of him?

Checking in. Thank you for the new thread @cravingthelook

Hi,

Happy new year to you all and here is to dating success in 2021. Thanks for such a great thread, you all sound just brilliant and the advice and support is great.

Hoping I can join this thread too....
A brief background for me is that I have been separated for 5 years. Not divorced yet - ex keeps promising to complete divorce forms, but has alcohol issues and ended up in rehab/ wasn’t fit to divorce, then I had my own health issues in 2018. Should happen this year but am going to have to amend the petition. It has taken me a while to get on my feet from being ill, but in august this year I set up dating profiles on match and tinder. My ex didn’t have the children for years but has recently started to have them overnight (he has a partner of 2 years who he lives with) so I now have occasional evenings free.

I have chatted to lots of people and tbh have followed a lot of the advice on this thread. A US Airforce scammer messaged for a while, I knew there was something fishy there but wasn’t sure what, a friend recommended the pim eyes website and sure enough his photo was there (pinched). I chatted to a few recovered alcoholics who I said a polite no to, despite them seeming nice - as for me once bitten is enough and I feel I would have been looking for signs they had fallen off the wagon potentially. I have filtered a lot of people out just chatting/messaging as I don’t have as much opportunity to meet (less now as tier 4) so prior to meeting my current iron I only made it to one coffee date.

Since then I met my current iron (I’ll call him MrGlasgow) who seems lovely. He is really different to my ex (analytical responsible & pretty hot) but I find because he isn’t love bomby & gushy about how wonderful I am (my ex used to do all this so it is what I am used to) I feel a bit unloved and insecure sometimes as a result which I don’t like. We have dated for 3 months now and I do keep questioning everything for this reason as it doesn’t always feel very natural. He does sometimes talk a lot about himself too and I do wonder if he is that keen on me, but if he has made a misplaced comment he is quick to correct/apologise and genuinely seems very caring by his actions. I am trying to tell myself that it is strange times, we are each other’s first new partners after long relationships. Plus we are in the midst of a pandemic and he is my support bubble, so we are able to see each other sporadically if my ex has the children and he doesn’t have his, but I hope that when we can do more, it might feel more natural, so am trying not to make any rash decisions and just enjoy it for what it is right now. I have no idea if it will last when life returns to some sort of normality. I hope it will though.
I have deleted the apps for now, but I am half expecting to be on tinder again before too long. I am less keen on match as got a bit grossed out by all the guys daily viewing my profile and not contacting me, mostly who looked massively unsuitable too.

In the meantime just thank you for the sound advice on the thread as I am noting more red flags that I have probably not previously spotted after such a horrendous time with my ex.

Quick query guys....Men who put ' no drama' in their bio, they are to be avoided right?

I don't know why it irks me, it may be nothing!

Thanks everyone. I have just woken up, no good morning message
I am going to make a cup of tea and then sit and read all of your comments again properly.

I need to step back clearly. It's so much easier to say then do, especially during a tier 4 lockdown when you can't go out or see friends.
I'm going to read now.

Hi noodles welcome to the thread. Reading your story, and clover's, and the hundreds of stories on here, two things have struck me.

1. how easy it is to fall into the trap of being grateful that a new iron isn't as bad as the last one, and therefore ignoring behaviours that are really not acceptable. Selfishness, poor communication and a lack of appreciation for you may not be as bad as abuse and requiring a restraining order, but it's on the same spectrum of behaviour. Respect, reciprocity, affection, kindness, understanding - they should not be something to hope for, they should be a starting point. If they're not there from the outset, what are we doing with these people?

2. how we all have our own way of needing to feel loved - how often we speak or message, do we need verbal appreciation or do actions speak louder than words, do we mind initiating the messaging or does it makes us feel they don't care, etc. I think people talk of love languages, maybe that's what I'm talking about. But even when there are no red flags, if something is not forthcoming that's important to us it can make us feel massively insecure. Where another person in the same situation would be perfectly happy with e.g. the level of communication, or frequency of meeting up. But how are they supposed to know if we don't tell them?

Not sure what my point is, other than maybe we need to value ourselves and our needs more. And not fall into the trap of thinking a bad/ok/so-so relationship is better than being on our own. Surely a new relationship should be all positive in the beginning? All my relationships have obviously failed (cos I'm here and nobody died), but none of them started out bad. They were lovely (not love in a love-bombey) way, and exciting and respectful, and we had the honeymoon phase where you're both making an effort, and those are the best of times. If the other person isn't making an effort to please you and make you happy, in a brand new relationship, how can you build trust and respect and a long-lasting, loving, relationship? Know your worth and don't accept anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable. And communicate. They're not mind readers.

Morning all and thanks for the new thread @cravingthelook

Sorry to hear @Clovertoast - another one to say that although it can be hard to do it’s waaay better to be single than in the wrong relationship. I have been guilty of staying in one because I felt that pressures made me want the next step - getting engaged, married etc but I wouldn’t do it again. Remember the old motto that he should be adding to you not taking

In other news I’ve got another walking date with Mr LongWalks today....

@bangheadhere40

I think it's code for 'I'll do what I want and you aren't allowed to have an opinion on that'

@Clovertoast I am sorry it hasn't turned out like you wanted with MrP after almost a year. just to echo what others have said , take a step back one day at a time . Maybe sign back unto OLD , chatting to others will help you take your mind off him .

@LongtimelurkerL have a great time on your date today

Yes banghead that is an instant dismissal. It means you are not allowed to not think everything he says and does is great on every level. Certainly not to express it. Or have any needs that don't involve him being great.

@cravingthelook thanks for the new thread.

Loads of great advice and posts again. @Clovertoast I won’t add any more reading for you just to say I agree with the pp. it’s time to put your own needs front and centre now.

Always swipe left on ‘no drama’ @bangheadhere40 -I always think they want someone to benignly adore them with no needs of their own

@LongtimelurkerL enjoy your date later

Welcome @noodles44 and @Nikhedonia

I’m hoping to see Mr TG later but not sure yet. I still like him with no red flags (yet) and have just realised I’ve broken my never getting beyond 3 dates with anyone spell

@WeWantTheFinestWines that was a really good piece of writing. I dont think I do know my worth at all. I certainly dont communicate what I find acceptable and what I don't. I let things go because I'm afraid if I speak out he'll stop liking me. Thats the first time I've admitted that out loud and thats a massive issue with my own self esteem clearly.
I was so amazed that a " nice " guy like Mr P wanted me I literally gave myself up on a plate.
I dont think I even do know who I am anymore.
I'm just really sad and confused.

In answer to your questions @SortingItOut I go to his on the train ( 40 mins away ) because he has his kids 5050 so I stay with him when his kids aren't there. I have my older teens all the time and he's never met them so he doesn't come here.
With lockdown pretty much in existence since we met we've fallen into the pattern of just being at his, cooking, tv , then bed. We also wfh side by side.
He's often asked if I'm ok with the lack of going out and I have always said yes for the reasons above. So I dont feel like I can complain when I haven't been truthful.
He is quite angry, he gets very frustrated with the exw and I've seen the way he texts her.
The only other anger thing has been he has twice picked an argument in a supermarket car park and once he felt that a car was following too close to us, so he pulled over to allow it to pass then aggressively followed it really closely for ages. We went ages away from where we should be. I just sat there in silence. It was a woman driver too.
When we eventually got back he asked if I was cross with him for that behaviour as I think he knew and I said no !!!!!! Wtf !!!!

I need to take a long hard look at myself. But at 46 am I ever going to change

Hes just sent me an " amusing " tiktok that I haven't opened with a laughing emoji and a "morning !"
Its totally different from him texting something affectionate asking me how I slept etc like he normally would.
Eurgh somebody shake me i feel 15 !!!!

Hello @noodles44 👋

@Clovertoast another one here who has experienced carrying a depressed iron and hoping I could get him out of his funk. It really isn't worth it or possible.

I too used to take ingredients to his to make dinner - wtf? He had no childcare responsibilities and lived 2 mins from a supermarket

Final straw for me was no enthusiastic greeting on my arrival (an hours drive for me) Not even a kiss Jist door opened, a shrug and followed him in with bags of shopping.
He occasionally sends me texts about he's kicking himself for not being the man I needed him to be but he was just not capable due to depression.

I've never regretted splitting from him after 9 months together. Our kids were great pals too.

As others have said you are not being given even the most basics of a loving partnership here. Being solo is less lonely than being in the wrong relationship

And I also second that those of us with dysfunctional pasts have more inclination to accept a partnership that is far from functional or great as we just don't know what it's meant to look like.

Hope you manage to stagger through the day minute by minute.

@ThisTooShallBe yes you are of course right
Thank you

@LongtimelurkerL Hope walking date is good for you you today. Let us know how you get on.

@LongtimelurkerL - hope you have a nice time!

@Ruralbliss - is it worth giving him a couple of days if it is an experiment? do you know if he's read it. And then if he doesn't reply block him. But you are probably better off deleting him straight off.

Apps are filling it seems. Just spotted an old iron from a while ago who I had a really good fun date with. Turned out she had another iron already and so it wasn't to be, but she wanted to keep as friends. Never got round to it but on seeing her profile I just swiped right before thinking about it. .

@Clovertoast
Thanks for explaining the house thing, i still dont understand why you cook all the time. Could you do 50/50?

I'm worried that his abuse of women appears to be acceptable to you?
I know your boundaries are skewed after an abusive marriage but him tailgating a female driver for miles is a huge red flag and the fact you said you were ok with it screams volumes - he has you exactly where he wants you.
He sends abusive messages yo his ex and doesnt try to hide it from you.
He called you stupid for not learning to drive.
He reduced you to tears over your parenting skills.
He appears to want a ready made wife for cooking and sex and you've filled the slot nicely.

Please tell us his good points because I'm not seeing any.

Have you had counselling or therapy for your abusive marriage?

@Clovertoast

The tailgating alone is enough to end it. He put all 3 of your lives at risk!

@Clovertoast
It is never too late to change but it can take time with good therapy to be able to change, years of the same behaviour can affect you for a long time.

I honestly think you need time to work on yourself. I think you said before you have no hobbies or anything outside of work/kids/Mr P and that isnt healthy.

@Myfabby
I'm glad you agree, can you imagine how terrified that poor woman was when she had done nothing wrong?

@Clovertoast
Missed out the arguing in supermarket carparks - yes its stressful going shopping and people can be knobs but mutter under your breath and walk away.
Why is he starting arguments?