Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Lets not forget he hets aggressive with people in supermarket car parks and one day tailgated a fenale driver for miles because he decided she had cut him up.

Definitely the abusive type who wants it all on his terms.

Currently we're on emotional abuse for you @Clovertoast, how soon until we get on to physical?

Tuesday to meet up? But he told you he needed space so its literally been 3 days.
What he meant was he needed space but only while you're available on text, as soon as you've withdrawn he's realised he's lost some control.

I hope you're taking time this afternoon to think things through, if you want to meet him you should but get some boundaries in place, you should not be cooking everytime you go there and certainly not doing his housework. And maybe set in stone some days to meet so everyone is clear where they stand otherwise you're literally sitting around waiting for his call asking you over.

@Clovertoast this must be a lot to take in, all this advice and hope it's not upsetting to you. I think you still would benefit from a time out as discussed, so both of you can reevaluate a bit. Try not to fall into the trap of going back to how you were before as I think the same issues will probably arise in a few weeks.

I saw on another thread recently that our friend and fellow dater SimonJT (cant tag as he hadnt posted on this thread) is marrying his partner in April💍💍

For those who weren't about when he was posting last year he met his partner through a dating agency, I think he has been the only one in my time of posting who had. I can't recall how much he paid but its clearly worked brilliantly.

Oooooh I thought of him recently @SimonJt, watching that Russell T Davis shoe. Big congratulations!

Better news, Mr Yoga wrote to me today to say he had been thinking about me, asking about the kids and the snow. He explained things felt ok at present but up and down before this. I haven't messaged back but am happy. It's been a turbulent week.

Great news Eesha - he's not wanting to lose what you've got and making sure you don't either.

I didn't know dating agencies still existed?! Always nice to hear a lovely story, however the parties met 😊

@Eesha
Thats lovely that Mr Yoga has messaged you and is thinking of you.
Here's hoping the help he is due to get at the end of the month helps him.

That's great news @Eesha - I bet you feel so much better having received that.

@Clovertoast I had forgotten the stories about him getting angry in a car park and tailgating a woman driver. My ex husband had form for doing things like that - it was horrible. He told me quite early on in our relationship that with his previous girlfriend, he had got angry one New Year's Eve and without explanation on a short car journey they were on, driven at high speed without speaking to her for miles before getting to the coast, and turning round and driving all the way back. Cannot believe in retrospect that I didn't run a mile - but oh no, I thought there's no way he'd tell me stories like that and then go on to behave like that with me. Of course - he did. .

Just catching up on the thread after a eventful weekend. Great news on your job @Dancerinthemoonlight ! Always nice to see some good news in these times.

@Clovertoast good to see you back, and I hope you don't feel overwhelmed with all the replies. I had a moment almost a year ago where I was going through a rough situation that I posted about here, and it was hard reading some of the comments. I knew they were all made with good intentions, and I received a lot of good advice but it can be a bit emotionally hard to process at the time.

@Eesha glad that My Yoga has been in touch - must be such a relief to have heard back from him, and I hope things get back on track.

As for my weekend, well I met up again with the iron (I'm not sure I named her, so will call her Miss Forest) I went on a socially distant walk with last weekend, and she came over for dinner last night. She ended up staying the night, and we dtd. Obviously breaking the rules, but I've not seen anyone else except her for 2 weeks and she's had very little contact with others too so we decided the risk was very low.

It was a nice evening, but I'm just not sure about her. In bed she seemed to enjoy my attentions, but it wasn't really reciprocated which is a bit of a buzz kill for me. I guess I'm still comparing to Miss H, where the physical stuff was amazing.

I also had some bad news - my uncle died this weekend after contracting Covid, although he was very ill anyway so wasn't going to recover. But it's certainly made me think whether seeing Miss Forest (and anyone else) is worth risking things for. Also I found out that an old mate passed away last week - although we weren't that close, and hadn't spoken for a number of years. He was my age though, and a lovely guy. Very sad.

@TheCatWithTheHat sorry to hear about your uncle. I feel exactly the same and although was complacent last year, 4 deaths I'm close to this last week has been quite terrifying. I'm not taking any risks with me and my children for a while.

So how have you left it with Miss Forest? I personally think worth another date if it's just the physical chemistry which might not be ideal. It could be nerves. I'm thinking of my ex FWB where it was awkward initially but then we ended up seeing each other for another year and things were much better!

Yes, happy about Mr Yoga but haven't replied yet, will do first thing. I'm just a bit unsure whether to dive right in with chat or take it slowly. He's clearly still feeling up and down but I'm pleased he has reached out to me somehow. One thing I've learnt is to take a step back with these situations. I was so emotional initially and couldn't see the wood for the trees and whether this was actually a good thing. When I actually made peace with it and was quite calm, then I made much better decisions for me. Easier said than done I know.

Sorry to hear about your losses cat - were they both Covid-related, or was that just your uncle? Scary when people your own age die, isn't it? Makes you think... Hope you're ok.

I would have said give Miss Forest another chance, but thinking about it - if you're a bit selfish the first time you have sex with a new person, then maybe you're just a bit selfish? Surely most people make a bit of an effort the first time, just as you would for a first date? Sounds like you're not really feeling it anyway, so maybe one not to pursue any further - or do you think you would like to see her again?

Thanks @Eesha and @WeWantTheFinestWines

I know what you mean about being complacent - it does change things when people you know catch it.

My old mate wasn't related to Covid apparently, but I don't know anything other than that. I guess on one hand Covid is making me feel less risk averse, but then him dying makes me realise time is precious and putting life on hold for another 6-12 months isn't a great option either.

I messaged Miss Forest when she got home, and we've already mentioned about meeting when she has her next child-free weekend. I know she's feeling a bit strange about meeting during these times too, so I guess we'll see how we both feel nearer the time.

I agree it's worth seeing how things are next time, as it can take a bit of time to get used to someone new. But having thought about it today, deep down I'm pretty sure it's not what I'm after. I think Miss C from a year ago spoiled me in terms of a mental connection, and Miss H spoiled me in terms of physical chemistry. It's proving really hard to find, but at least I suppose I know roughly what I'm looking for.

Hi @Clovertoast glad to see you back. I think most of us offering advice to so because we have been there. I did hit and cold for 5 years with an ex. I was so wrapped up in the relationship I thought we could have. I totally failed to see the relationship we actually had. He used to say things like he just couldn't put me down. And that he loved me. So I convinced myself it would work. It didn't of course.

All the hot and coldness aside though, I really can't understand how you have washed his kids clothes and their bedding. I thought it was odd enough you would make him dinner in his own home. I'm struggling to see how this situation would even arise. He seems to have put you into the role of his wife very quickly. Ignoring you. Coming up to bed after you. And you cook for him and do his housework?

If you can, please try and take control. Take some time to put yourself in the centre. What do you want. What makes you happy. Is this relationship (as it is, not as you imagine it could be) giving you those things?

This thread moves so fast!

So far, I think I have a new match from OKC - seems ok but a bit slow in replying.

Then I messaged this other guy who I'll call HR Man (his job), we've been messaging on and off and were supposed to meet up late 2019 but never did and then lockdown happened. He seems a bit prickly - we swapped snow photos/videos then I joked about his area has more snow than mine and he replied 'it's not a competition'. This same person has also replied to something I said once, 'don't play the blame game'. Which set my teeth on edge.

TheCatinTheHat - if someone doesn't enjoy my attentions in bed I think I probably wouldn't see them again. Maybe a second date but unsure as to whether I would go all out on them.

Eesha - good that Mr Yoga and you are both back on track.

Here's another interesting story - I've got a mutual friend (male) who's always been a 'player' - my brother who knows him warned me off him ages ago - anyway had some whatsapps and FB updates from him - he's now found a 'keeper' which none of us (including him at some point) thought he ever would! So hope for us all!

@Eesha glad things have reached a bit of equilibrium now and you’re in a better place. I think just having a bit of reassurance the other party wants to keep on at it can be helpful - progress not perfection. Do some stuff for you over the next week.

@CleverCatty

Yeh it’s so hard to read tone over text isn’t it? I think if they put an emoticon or a lol it’s ok.

I’m not the best on messaging though - I think sometimes phone is a lot easier to get a read of someone!

@TheCatWithTheHat

How do you feel about MissForest overall? Is it meant to be a friends/sex buddy thing?

I guess if you really felt drawn to her and it was a connection worth pursuing you’d just be genuinely excited to spend the night and chill even if it was rubbish and not much happened!

I got put on reserve list after my group interview (the email was basically like being told you’re in the friend zone - “we’re into you just not THAT into you”).

Was hoping to just go all in on applications and get something in the bag ASAP this year (bit like dating!)

but I think I’m going to have to be a bit more patient and see how the year unfolds!

MrC says he’ll call after dinner which is nice - I’m never sure how much to debrief or talk problems early on but I’ll give him a chance to be all manly and supportive

@Clovertoast hope you are ok

Hope everyone is ok - I’m not very good at keeping up as school is so manic atm! Feeling very bleurg this evening and wondering if I’m being played etc - nothing that MrLongWalks has done/nothing has changed I just keep reading things that say if it was meant to be I’d just know etc etc

@LongtimelurkerL it seems like you've felt dubious about him for ages with his lack of affection etc. What has made you feel down this time? Are you still swiping?

Glad you've heard @Eesha and that you're in his thoughts.
@TheCatWithTheHat could nerves have been playing a part? The first time can be a bit awkward with a new partner.
Sorry to hear that @SleepyBunk it's disappointing when you give it your all. I spent hours on an application for my dream job and didn't even get shortlisted. Gutted!
@CleverCatty those comments do sound a bit prickly, I'd be tempted to see how it is in person though wouldn't hold out too much hope/expectation.

@Eesha I don't know if i'm honest. I'm so used to being love bombed that I don't think I know what's normal or what I should be expecting. We text every day - some days more than others of course, the minimum would be like one/two back and forths and then so far have only done walks on my child free weekends. I've invited him round this coming weekend so maybe that will be a turning point. I'd like to just ask what is happening but my IRL friends say that that is creepy and weird at this point and makes me come across a bit weird given we've just been on walks. I think because I have a bit of history (a long time ago) i'd like to think he wouldn't be so inclined to mess me around if he wasn't interested - but maybe i'm just being stupid.

@LongtimelurkerL, I think if you weigh up the facts then he is definitely interested in you otherwise why would he commit to all the walks etc ?You met in a dating context and you have said there has been some flirtatious behaviour between you at times. Does he ever mention the dating sites or anything about dating in general ? I disagree with your friends. I think a check in on how you are both feeling about things isn't weird at all. I think I would say, whilst I was with him rather than on text ( so you can gauge the body language etc), how much I was enjoying getting to know him and move the conversation around to future dates, what it would be nice to do once lockdown eases. But I think if he is actually coming to yours then you may well get a much clearer view of things. If he doesn't take that opportunity for at least a kiss then it may be time for a rethink.

@LongtimelurkerL
I think in these Covid times its difficult to gauge whether someone likes you but is being cautious or whether they actually dont like you.
I dont think any man would do these walks with you if they didnt like you as they could just stay at home in the warm!!

I think a few other posters have mentioned being love bombed in the past and it does skew your thinking of whats normal.

I would see how this weekend goes and then take it from there.
Dont write it off just yet.

@LongtimelurkerL have you asked him what's going on between you and how he sees things progressing?

Home date sounds good @LongtimelurkerL ! I know it’s easier said than done but I’d try to just really chill out and not expect anything to happen or not happen - just have a nice night as you would a friend. Try and take the set goals or timelines out of the situation.

He’s got his own life and priorities and emotions and worries and just because he’s not obviously aiming to shag you ASAP doesn’t mean anything!

I dunno about you but sometimes my insecurities/rejection complex leads to me making bad decisions (and vulnerable to love bomber types ) so try to quiet those a bit.

Thanks @Heartbeats0708 it’s just like dating I feel I need to be patient and think in terms of “overall picture over a year” rather than wanting instant results.

Overall I’ve achieved so much over the last few years so I need to be kinder on myself and not do the standard female overthinking/imposter syndrome stuff!

MrC was very supportive as usual which was nice. Genuinely looking forward to his return even if we’re not doing exciting stuff.