Engagement season - and an unromantic DP

[Daphne564]

Just need to get this off my chest as there’s no way I could admit to this in real life.

This Christmas period three, yes THREE of my very good friends have got engaged. All with really lovely, special stories and I am really happy for them, genuinely.

I also can’t help feeling wistful/envious. I’ve been with DP 5 years and although we have discussed getting married a bit, in the sense that we both do want to get married (to each other) and start a family eventually, DP seems in no rush.

He is good in many ways but also the world’s least romantic man, hates any kind of spontaneity and gets weirdly worried about spending too much money on things (when it suits) - so with these things combined, I really wonder whether he is ever going to propose.

Now, I know that I could ask him. I know I could just ‘have a conversation’ and we could very sensibly just decide to get married. However I would really really love for once for him to show some romance, some effort and to do sometime special. I don’t care that it’s an old fashioned way of looking at it. I want a nice proposal - nothing public but something that he has thought about.

We are both 32 nearly 33. I would like to have a baby before 35 ideally and we both agree being married first is best. So surely it’s got to happen soon?

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts, already wedding planning and I feel I am living vicariously through them!

I suppose I’d like to know if anyone else has been through the same with a similar DP and if they ever did end up married?

Good god, stop being a passenger in your own life.

If you want to be married and starting a family in the next 3 years then bloody discuss and plan it. We don't live in a Disney film.

Why are you coquettishly waiting?if you both want to be married set a date
As an adult woman why do you need to wait until he gives a clear yes, if he’s otherwise indicated he wanted to be married.so have the we have discussed getting married now I want to set date,get it going. If he still dithers maybe he just doesn’t want to marry you. And that is his prerogative, no one is compelled to be married

Plan a Small wedding and crack on

Yep and it was a disaster. I ignored all the evidence that he didn’t want to get married and basically badgered him into it. We split up after four years of marriage.

I can’t say of course that he doesn’t want to marry you. But it’s sounding very unlikely that you are going to get the proposal you want so I would put aside any notion of that . Sit him down, have the conversation and then decide how far you are going to act on whatever the outcome is. But don’t waste any more time wishing and hoping.

@Lemonpiano

Good god, stop being a passenger in your own life.

If you want to be married and starting a family in the next 3 years then bloody discuss and plan it. We don't live in a Disney film.

I seriously have considered this but other than on MN I actually have never heard of people doing this. Why does everyone else seem to have the nice engagement story and the proposal?

And these are all women who spent their 20s with me being party girls and independent.

I feel your pain. This is me too.
Just want a little bit of romance and some magic. Not a conversation. We’ve had the conversations and he says he wants to marry me. I want to just get whisked off my feet even for a few seconds.
All of which my dp is aware of.
And yet, here we still are.
Tbh I’m thinking of just leaving now. If he doesn’t want me enough to do that simple thing, so be it.
I suppose I’m really now over all the disappointment of the times that would’ve been the perfect opportunity.
Good luck op.

@MrsGrindah

Yep and it was a disaster. I ignored all the evidence that he didn’t want to get married and basically badgered him into it. We split up after four years of marriage.

I can’t say of course that he doesn’t want to marry you. But it’s sounding very unlikely that you are going to get the proposal you want so I would put aside any notion of that . Sit him down, have the conversation and then decide how far you are going to act on whatever the outcome is. But don’t waste any more time wishing and hoping.

Sorry to hear that. At this point I am concerned it’s got into badgering territory - not because I ask him regularly but because I will mention things like x getting engaged and he’s just not interested (or will make a sarcastic comment about the ring!)

So he’s telling you something then isn’t he?

@notquitealonealone

I feel your pain. This is me too. Just want a little bit of romance and some magic. Not a conversation. We’ve had the conversations and he says he wants to marry me. I want to just get whisked off my feet even for a few seconds. All of which my dp is aware of. And yet, here we still are. Tbh I’m thinking of just leaving now. If he doesn’t want me enough to do that simple thing, so be it. I suppose I’m really now over all the disappointment of the times that would’ve been the perfect opportunity. Good luck op.

Sorry to hear this and glad it’s not just me.

I find myself fantasising about things like coming downstairs in the morning to a breakfast and he proposes. Or him doing something and me not noticing there’s a ring. Non showy but nice ways of doing it.

We’ve actually had arguments before about his lack of spontaneity and effort in some things so he knows this would be lovely.

I seriously can’t imagine it ever happening unless I just say, shall we set a date then?

Sorry to be blunt but, after 5 years together, he doesn't want to marry you despite your conversations or he would have asked already

Quite frankly the nIce story and proposal is froth. It’s a confection
You have a dp who’s keeping you hanging on,and you’re willing to hang. Waiting for a nice story, a proposal to retell to mates
None of that matters, it’s not got a bearing on the longevity or suitability of the marriage
I attended a wedding, he’d proposed quickly and romantically. Big IG and a fancy wedding. Separated 18month later, got divorced

Do you and your boyfriend live together? If so just ask him. It could be he doesn't want to marry you when push comes to shove and you will have time to start rethinking as your clock is ticking if you want children. Would you have children with your current boyfriend if you weren't married or does he have strong feelings about that too?

@MrsGrindah

So he’s telling you something then isn’t he?

In a way yes but he makes comments that suggest he thinks a different type of ring would be nicer and he’s said how much he thinks you should spend on a ring - so has clearly given it some thought? Just strange.

I cannot believe I’ve made this thread. I’m ashamed to be feeling like this as a modern woman!

@KatherineJaneway

Sorry to be blunt but, after 5 years together, he doesn't want to marry you despite your conversations or he would have asked already

Really? I’m all for tough honesty but one of my newly engaged friends has been with her fiancé for 9 years this year and it has just happened.

Gonna be harsh here - you yourself admit that the man you've chosen is not romantic, so if you need spontaneous romance, you're with the wrong man.

Have you thought about sitting down with him and telling him that you want to get married soon and that a real proposal is important to you? Spell out what you want. Don't expect him to read your mind and have a personality transplant!

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Quite frankly the nIce story and proposal is froth. It’s a confection You have a dp who’s keeping you hanging on,and you’re willing to hang. Waiting for a nice story, a proposal to retell to mates None of that matters, it’s not got a bearing on the longevity or suitability of the marriage I attended a wedding, he’d proposed quickly and romantically. Big IG and a fancy wedding. Separated 18month later, got divorced

I do often think this about the big weddings with the hashtags and the Insta stories. But surely sometimes it is that good??

He’s just going along with the conversation though. It doesn’t mean a thing. My first DH used to do that all the time. Eventually he bought the ring but it didn’t mean anything because he then put off setting the date for three years!

For every big romantic engagement story, there's half a dozen couples who've lived happily together that didn't have the big story. My favourite celeb engagement story is Tony and Cherie Blair - he asked her if she wanted to get married when she was in the middle of cleaning the loo.

Sit DP down and ask if he would like to get married. Does he have a time frame in mind? Does he want to do the big engagement thing or shall you both get on with planning the wedding?

@Ohalrightthen

Gonna be harsh here - you yourself admit that the man you've chosen is not romantic, so if you need spontaneous romance, you're with the wrong man.

Have you thought about sitting down with him and telling him that you want to get married soon and that a real proposal is important to you? Spell out what you want. Don't expect him to read your mind and have a personality transplant!

You’re right - I think I didn’t realise until spending a few years with him that the romance does matter to me. He has done the occasional thing and it makes it all the more special!

You chose a guy that you describe as "the world's least romantic man" and you're surprised that he's not planning a huge romantic gesture?
Talk to him about what you want or dump him and find the man who will do what you want without you asking, who will come with his own list of negatives that you'll be posting about instead.

I’m really appallled 2021 women still coquettishly waiting on men proposing
Why do you give them such power over you? that you wait in anticipation and dread wondering if he will propose

Men marry women they want to marry. If he hasn’t married you it’s because he doesn’t want to. Now that may or may not change

@DedlyMedally

You chose a guy that you describe as "the world's least romantic man" and you're surprised that he's not planning a huge romantic gesture? Talk to him about what you want or dump him and find the man who will do what you want without you asking, who will come with his own list of negatives that you'll be posting about instead.

Well this is why I feel stupid having made this thread as I know the perfect guy doesn’t exist! Someone who showers you with gifts and romance isn’t necessarily good either.

@MrsGrindah

He’s just going along with the conversation though. It doesn’t mean a thing. My first DH used to do that all the time. Eventually he bought the ring but it didn’t mean anything because he then put off setting the date for three years!

Some people aren’t romantic. There was no Instagram worthy proposal in our house- we had a conversation and set a date for a small, affordable wedding. We’ve been happily married for 25 years.

If you want all the performative romance, perhaps you’re not compatible?

If you’re sure he wants to get married, and you’re sure you will be happy together, just set a date.

If he’s not romantic, accept him and love him as he is.

If you can’t, or you want to get married and he doesn’t, you need to look at the longevity of this.

I wanted to get married and told my partner it was a non-negotiable. We went out and chose a ring together a few weeks later.

Your fertile years are numbered so it depends how keen you are to have a child - if you have time to wait and potentially move on in a year or two and take time to find someone else.........

Tell him you are happy with a small , possibly registry office wedding and a cheap ring.
Don't miss the chance to have children .