Engagement season - and an unromantic DP

[Daphne564]

Just need to get this off my chest as there’s no way I could admit to this in real life.

This Christmas period three, yes THREE of my very good friends have got engaged. All with really lovely, special stories and I am really happy for them, genuinely.

I also can’t help feeling wistful/envious. I’ve been with DP 5 years and although we have discussed getting married a bit, in the sense that we both do want to get married (to each other) and start a family eventually, DP seems in no rush.

He is good in many ways but also the world’s least romantic man, hates any kind of spontaneity and gets weirdly worried about spending too much money on things (when it suits) - so with these things combined, I really wonder whether he is ever going to propose.

Now, I know that I could ask him. I know I could just ‘have a conversation’ and we could very sensibly just decide to get married. However I would really really love for once for him to show some romance, some effort and to do sometime special. I don’t care that it’s an old fashioned way of looking at it. I want a nice proposal - nothing public but something that he has thought about.

We are both 32 nearly 33. I would like to have a baby before 35 ideally and we both agree being married first is best. So surely it’s got to happen soon?

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts, already wedding planning and I feel I am living vicariously through them!

I suppose I’d like to know if anyone else has been through the same with a similar DP and if they ever did end up married?

You keep using that word... I do not think it means what you think it means.

Does it not mean to talk to someone in a flirtatious way?

Coquettishly Being nice for your man,being a good gf, maintaining the interest hoping he’ll propose. Hoping He’ll Respond to your womanly wiles and propose

Even if you have a conversation with him and he proposes in a mildly romantic way, are you going to be disappointed that he doesnt get you anything on your first wedding anniversary...no card from your baby on your first mother's day...no

If he cant manage a romantic proposal, surely he isn't going to manage the effort for any other significant life event...

We were together 11 years before getting married BUT I was in my mid thirties and had no interest in romantic proposals or being married. We got married in a registry office because DH had been very ill and I would never have agreed to a frothy wedding anyway.

I was engaged to my hugely romantic ex but he ended up being a cheater, so although he looked like Mr Perfect on the outside, he was a charlatan. Don’t assume all these OTT displays of affection mean anything, it could just be Instagram boasting.

I’d be more worried that you’re wanting your partner to be someone else and you’re not accepting him for who he actually is. If you want marriage and children, you need to have a proper discussion and sort something out.

If you can’t sit and talk honestly about what you want from your life together, he isn’t the one for you and you’re wasting your life away just daydreaming.

@Carolofthebellies

You keep using that word... I do not think it means what you think it means.

Does it not mean to talk to someone in a flirtatious way?

Yes. That’s what it means. Being flirty.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Why are you coquettishly waiting?if you both want to be married set a date As an adult woman why do you need to wait until he gives a clear yes, if he’s otherwise indicated he wanted to be married.so have the we have discussed getting married now I want to set date,get it going. If he still dithers maybe he just doesn’t want to marry you. And that is his prerogative, no one is compelled to be married

Plan a Small wedding and crack on

This^^.

If he still dithers, after a serious conversation, don't stick around tbh!

I find it so depressing reading threads like this . Over and over young women say they want a proposal which isn’t forthcoming .
The bottom line is that if a man wants to get married he will be keen to set a date .
And also remember that even if you become engaged it does not necessarily mean marriage will follow ! I have a friend who eventually got a ring after more than 10 years of “ hinting” . 25 years later, no wedding .
If he is not romantic and you want to get married, just have an adult conversation.

Also agree with pps; often the most romantic men are not good LTPs at all.

I know a school mum,her IG is like a joules catalogue. Kids all tousled and fun, her all ruddy cheeked and chummy. Her dp striding in a manly but caring way

The reality is she’s a gossipy competitive under eater and her kids are bellicose bullies. Her dp is a caveman too

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

I had a nice engagement story, truth behind it was that we'd already had the conversation, set the date and booked the church. These proposal stories you see might not be as straightforward as they look. I was happy to do it how we did, the proposal bit was sweet but I knew what I wanted from the relationship and we had a very straightforward discussion and as the church booked up quickly we got that bit sorted first!

The vast majority of my married friends have similar stories to be fair. Only a few had spontaneous proposals; the rest of them had discussed the practicalities and timelines, and agreed when they wanted to be married. Then the fella bought a ring and in the few months after the conversation organised something “romantic” like a trip to Paris so the woman still got a surprise proposal. Everyone’s a winner.

I kind of get where you are coming from OP. My DH is lovely but more pragmatic, generous and kind than performatively romantic.
We actually got married in the end because of financial reasons and have never told anyone still!

If you're happy that he is the future grandfather of your grandchildren, sit him down and do some long-term planning together.
Pensions, wills, life insurance, critical illness insurance.
How many children would you like? What sort of upbringing do you want for them?
Out of that discussion there will come a discussion about marriage. If you're both still up for it then, set a date and a budget, and say that you would like a proposal and a ring by X date and give him a choice of a few suitable rings & proposal scenarios.
Explain that it is an important, much-appreciated gesture of love like birthday cards and gifts, generally reciprocated by you risking your life bearing his kids :) Explain it is not the money but the thought and care that matters. Reassure him that even if he catches you at the worst moment ever and cocks it up beyond belief, that you will nonetheless express delight and joy. (If he's the sort of person who would passive-aggressively cock it up accidentally on purpose you shouldn't be marrying him anyway obvs).
And if he doesn't want it all on FB (the details of the proposal rather than that you're getting married) give him that.
That said it's only one part of the whole story of the two of you. I never had a proposal but we have plenty of other special memories (NONE of which bear repeating in public!!). So if upon reflection you feel different and just want to get married and sod the proposal - as PP have said, just go for it.

@Daphne564 To be completely honest OP, from what I've seen with male family members , friends and acquaintances, if a man has gone a whole 5 years without proposing during that age range, he's either delaying proposing in case someone "better" comes along before he takes the plunge, or he has no intention of marrying that particular woman at all. Men who are head over heels with their girlfriend, can't wait to get married to them and to commit to them.

Statistically, having such long dating periods before marriage significantly increases the risk of divorce. It makes sense because there's obviously something that's holding back one or both of the individuals from taking the step of legally committing to each other. Whatever that is, marriage is very unlikely to improve it. So when any problems in the marriage inevitably occur, as it does with all couples, you're more like to have 'grass is greener' syndrome, as you were never truly 100% convinced about your current partner in the first place.

I would start by moving out if you're living together. Stop sharing all the benefits of marriage with him when he doesn't want to legally commit to you yet (or ever).

“Unromantic” is fine. What’s important is what kind of husband and dad he’ll be.

If he’s the man for you and you want children in the next two years, you’ll have to accept that a discussion is necessary. Don’t waste any more of your thirties.

Op just be honest with your dp. If you can’t be honest now then he is not right for you. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him and have kids etc then you need to be open.
Use today, New Years to start the ball rolling. Ask him outright if he wants to get married before ttc. If so, work back from then and ask him ‘when shall we get married then?’. You don’t need to be proposed to to have a nice engagement ring either, just say you can go shopping for one together.
As others have said, half those romantic insta proposals and big rings will end in divorce. Sorry but it’s true.

Romantic engagement story....

He rolled over in bed and said "wanna get married?"

I said "ok".

That was about 34 years back.

OP my ex-H was not romantic at all but he surprised me with a romantic proposal. Seven years later he cheated on me.

I think as other PPs have said, if you can't sit down and talk to him about this then how will you be able to discuss other things like childcare.

I think if being married and having children is important to you then you need to let him know. I have been in situations where I kept quiet because it was easier. It rarely works out well.

I'm in exactly the same boat as you OP. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel special and swept of your feet.

I was similar - I would have quite liked a big (or small) romantic gesture but I realised it wasn't that important to me and my main priority was trying for 2 children before I got to 35. So I started the conversation about when to start TTC and we agreed to start in 6 months. A very sweet but unshowy (no special occasion or ring) proposal came a few months later and arranged our wedding for half a year after our baby was due.

@Pissoffbikes why are you in same situation? Waiting in anticipation.Giving a man all that power over you. Life in limbo,hoping he’ll ask. Christ that’s really passive and a bit unhinged

I've done everything in an odd order. He proposed within months (no ring and didn't tell anyone, so I'm not sure it counts) then went on what we call our honeymoon. Had a baby, bought a house. Then at some point I realised he was in no rush and got a tad bitter. I even thought of buying my own ring. Anyways, I told.him how I felt and then decided to get married. He got me my ring a couple of days ago. There was no proposal but I could see how happy and thrilled he was to give me the ring asap. In the end seeing him so happy made it all worth it!

Really? I’m all for tough honesty but one of my newly engaged friends has been with her fiancé for 9 years this year and it has just happened.

I apologised for being blunt but I have seen this in my circle of friends. You can say about your friend and it being 9 years, she is not you. You want a baby soon and he has made no motions towards marriage other than a few vague conversations. Actions speak louder than words.

My advice would be an ultimatum unless you'd prefer being his gf to having kids.

Good luck, I honestly wish you well

9 years!! id have g9ne off somebody who took that long to commit.

Grow a back bone not a wishbone as they say

@Daphne564 I've read your other posts. Your boyfriend most definitely does NOT want to get married. It's tempting ignoring clear signs when we love someone and want something very badly. But even if you get married (which I very much doubt even if you persuaded him to propose), it will be a massive mistake, believe me. Finding the right person to have a family with after you have a divorce next to your name plus however many years older, will be MUCH harder.

Break up now and find a man who deserves you and can't wait for you to be his wife. At the end of the day, it's only your own time and fertile years you're wasting and your boyfriend knows this. You can be strung along for another 10 years and whenever you break up, your boyfriend will easily replace you with a younger woman and have children if he wants. Stop letting someone take the best of you and stop handing over control of your dreams and future.

I have been in a long term relationship like this. I broke it off and married a friend I knew within two years. Ten years ago. Move on from him.

I don’t understand why you’re giving him so much power over the direction you want your life to take, to the extent that you’re planning to have children around him and his choices.

I know you want that romantic proposal but that’s not the man you chose. Take control of your life. Tell him what’s important to you and what you want. And if he’s not in the same place, then you need to decide whether you can live with that or if you want to find someone who can give you what you want.