Engagement season - and an unromantic DP

[Daphne564]

Just need to get this off my chest as there’s no way I could admit to this in real life.

This Christmas period three, yes THREE of my very good friends have got engaged. All with really lovely, special stories and I am really happy for them, genuinely.

I also can’t help feeling wistful/envious. I’ve been with DP 5 years and although we have discussed getting married a bit, in the sense that we both do want to get married (to each other) and start a family eventually, DP seems in no rush.

He is good in many ways but also the world’s least romantic man, hates any kind of spontaneity and gets weirdly worried about spending too much money on things (when it suits) - so with these things combined, I really wonder whether he is ever going to propose.

Now, I know that I could ask him. I know I could just ‘have a conversation’ and we could very sensibly just decide to get married. However I would really really love for once for him to show some romance, some effort and to do sometime special. I don’t care that it’s an old fashioned way of looking at it. I want a nice proposal - nothing public but something that he has thought about.

We are both 32 nearly 33. I would like to have a baby before 35 ideally and we both agree being married first is best. So surely it’s got to happen soon?

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts, already wedding planning and I feel I am living vicariously through them!

I suppose I’d like to know if anyone else has been through the same with a similar DP and if they ever did end up married?

You don't need a ring to be engaged and you don't need a wedding to be married.
You need a licence and two witnesses. It might be slightly different because of relevant covid rules but usually it's two weeks to get the license. Registrar Office with your witnesses plus cost of the licences will probably cost about 100 quid.
If you go down that path you could be married by the end of January.
Give your boyfriend this option. If he says no then I don't think he wants to marry you.

I know the wife of one of my friends said she wanted at least one child and he had a year to decide whether he wanted to be the father or not (& if not, she would go find someone else).

That's not strong arming. That's being true to herself, what she wanted and would and would not accept, and him also being free to make his own choice on the matter. If he didn't want to marry her, he didn't have to.

Some of the responses seem harsh but they come from a place of not wanting the OP to risk her fertile years waiting for a romantic proposal that never comes.

If he isn't romantic, give up the idea of a romantic proposal. Don't give up the idea of getting married though.

I understand where you are coming from, I also have a non romantic dp and I would have liked a proposal. The fact that he isn't like that made me want it more in a way, it seemed like it could have been my one chance to be made a fuss over, to be told that I'm special to him, that I'm beautiful, that he loves me. All the things I'd love to hear, even just once, but never will. Despite that though, we are married now and have a happy life.

Have you got a lovely best friend who could help him plan a romantic proposal? That way you get your proposal scene.

Maybe he is happy with the way things are right now and doesn't want to have to start discussing bridesmaid colour schemes. When you have talked about marriage is he clear on after the ring goes on your finger what will be next? as in time scales, budget, location?

Dh and I talked about marriage in our future and I was very clear I wouldn't be spending huge amounts of money on a wedding, or fussing over details of coordinating colour schemes etc.

We decided to get married, as in have a conversation that the time was right now to get engaged, what year to get married in and we went out and chose a ring together. I didn't wear the ring for a few days as we wanted to be able to tell our parents before my work colleagues saw I was clearly engaged.

No down on one knee, no public declaration, just we knew we loved each other. We have been married over 20 years.

Have you got a lovely best friend who could help him plan a romantic proposal? That way you get your proposal scene.

Can you imagine anything less 'romantic' and more infantilising than asking your best friend to organise 'your' proposal?

It's like those 'Proposal Packages' that offer a menu of hilarious clichés -- I'm just looking at a company whose offerings start at 350 euro, and include a Romantic Picnic set up for you at your chosen beauty spot, and a 'Light the Way Proposal', which is the same but at night, where you lead your beloved along a candle-lit path to the spot.

The ones that cracked me up were the 'Musician Proposal' where a musician 'will approach you to play your song of choice. On song completion, you on bended knee, photographer at the ready, champagne awaiting – you pop the question.'

Also the hot air balloon proposal package, where you are told that 'rose petals are scattered at the entrance to your Love Balloon.'

I assume there's a demand for this kind of thing or the company wouldn't exist, but who wouldn't crease themselves in laughter or horror if a saxophonist bobbed up in front of you on the street playing 'The Way You Look Tonight' or 'Make You Feel My Love' while you wondered why this busker wouldn't let you alone, and why your boyfriend seemed curiously persistent about listening to it...

If you want children with this guy then that is the starting point for any discussion. You both need to discuss what your beliefs of parenting are - the good, the bad and the ugly. Also what was good about each of your upbringing and where were there areas for improvement. Your hopes, dreams and fears. What your approach to splitting childcare, chores and social life looks like. That’s the nitty gritty that will keep a family together. What were each of your upbringings like - what are your relationships like with your own parents?

Then work back from there.

Not much point having the insta proposal, all singling all dancing wedding, even the bouncing baby ..... to then discover you have totally different approaches to family life. That’s a painful, lonely and v difficult place to land up.

Do your due diligence and if you approach it with pragmatism there will be plenty of capacity for love.

"I hope the OP will move on..." No you don't hope anything of the sort.

Don't tell me what I do and don't mean

@AlicjaCross

"I hope the OP will move on..." No you don't hope anything of the sort.

Don't tell me what I do and don't mean

Sorry.

I don't believe you meant it.

@Ilovemaisie

You don't need a ring to be engaged and you don't need a wedding to be married. You need a licence and two witnesses. It might be slightly different because of relevant covid rules but usually it's two weeks to get the license. Registrar Office with your witnesses plus cost of the licences will probably cost about 100 quid. If you go down that path you could be married by the end of January. Give your boyfriend this option. If he says no then I don't think he wants to marry you.

Agree with this. Though I think it's pretty clear already that this man doesn't want to be married.

My DB is a procrastinator. My DSIL sat him down and had the conversation about marriage and children.
She told him outright that if there was no engagement within a year, she was breaking it off and looking for someone who would meet her needs.
30 years later married with 2 children.
Some men aren’t up for the big proposal and need a down to earth conversation about where to from here.
He may be put off about the idea of a wedding, use covid as an excuse and do a private ceremony at the register office

@Daphne564

Sorry to disappear, haven’t been on MN for a couple of days.

Have to say I am a bit shocked by the responses here - not that I expected everyone to say they’d had the same experience but to be told I’m pathetic for being ‘passive’ and waiting around. I genuinely thought that is what 99% of women who get married have done. That their DP surprised them with a ring. Even friends who have got engaged have appeared to be in the same position, I don’t know anyone who strong armed their partner into it.

Anyway I’m going to have an honest conversation with DP and make clear I’m not waiting around. I want the next chapter of my life to start, with DP, so I’ll have to take control and forget about any notions of being swept off my feet as clearly that’s all lies or a fantasy!

It’s not lies or fantasy but in this day and age of most couples living together and often buying a house first then most couples have discussed it in some way and so it’s not entirely a surprise.

No matter what your friend who has been in a relationship for 9 years says, do you honestly thing not a single conversation has been had?

Contrary to what some people on here insist (including that bloke who seems to think he speaks for all men), many men are just in different time frames.

My boyfriends friendship group couples had all been together for decades since their teens so started getting engaged 10-15 years in 😯😏
We met at a different life stage so while I was thinking that 3 years in was about right, he hadn’t given the maths any thought (yes he told me this) and so vaguely thought it was still far too early to be proposing.

It was only when we discussed our ages and time frames for children that he had that lightbulb moment of realising he didn’t have as much luxury in time.

He still proposed in a lovely way that was a surprise in the moment but no it wasn’t a massive shock or sweeping me off my feet moment.

A conversation isnt Strong arming anyone, it’s just being a grown up and mutually confirming you have compatibility

Me and DH had a discussion about it then got engaged and set a date - there was no proposal. We’ve now been married 37 years.
Do you want to be married or do you just want a fancy proposal and ring that you can show off on Instagram?
Talk to him, set a date, get married.

Any update @Daphne564 ?

It depends what you deem romantic. My long term partner and I were talking about getting married one day whilst we were making dinner, and just kind of mutually agreed that one day might as well be now. Called the registry office straight away and booked a date for a few months later. Not traditionally romantic, but it was sweet, spontaneous, and very 'us'. And no one waited around for a big proposal.

@KatherineJaneway

Sorry to be blunt but, after 5 years together, he doesn't want to marry you despite your conversations or he would have asked already

This.

I've never understood why some women are so determined to be strung along by a man that's not that into them. Surely you'd want to marry someone who can't wait to marry you and is just as enthusiastic about committing to spend the rest of your lives together. Otherwise what the heck is the point

It takes no where near 5 years, especially at that age, to know if you want to marry the person you're with.

The very best scenario for OP is that he wouldn't particularly mind marrying her but wants to hold out longer in case someone "better " comes along. If they don't materialise he will go ahead and propose. The worst case scenario is he knows he doesn't want to marry her (or marry at all) but she's good enough for now until he meets the love of his life, and enjoys holdng the power into the relationship since he knows the OP wants to marry so will be on permanent good behaviour with him. Either one of these scenarios are terrible. Why do women insist on losing their dignity by hanging onto such men???

*in the relationship

Growing up I never understood why my Mum couldn’t say when Dad proposed to her, she said they’d just decided together. With STBX, we talked about getting married, most noticeably finally in McDonald’s over lunch and we talked about the time of year we wanted to get married. I said shall I just book the registry office then, and that was it. We went ring shopping together a couple of weeks later. STBX said he would properly propose at some point, he never got round to it and eventually asked me in bed in the morning of our wedding!
Ex-fiancé proposed to me on the bedroom floor after a quick shag there.... didn’t tell my parents that story!
Either DP wants to get married or he doesn’t, he may want to get married, just not to you. You’re only going to find out by talking about it.

Forgot to say my parents were happily married for over 50 years after just agreeing to get married.

Why have others got romantic stories etc about their engagement? Because they are either lying or set it up themselves. My friend tells the story of how her husband surprised her by getting down in one knee in front of the Eiffel Tower to propose but in reality they had sat down discussed marriage, agreed they wanted it, chose and bought a ring and then went to Paris for one night, the only surprise involved is that anyone believed her that she knew nothing about it in advance. Or be really up front like I was and tell the boyfriend it's time to shit or get off the pot. We are almost 20 years married and mad about each other (most of the time).