Engagement season - and an unromantic DP

[Daphne564]

Just need to get this off my chest as there’s no way I could admit to this in real life.

This Christmas period three, yes THREE of my very good friends have got engaged. All with really lovely, special stories and I am really happy for them, genuinely.

I also can’t help feeling wistful/envious. I’ve been with DP 5 years and although we have discussed getting married a bit, in the sense that we both do want to get married (to each other) and start a family eventually, DP seems in no rush.

He is good in many ways but also the world’s least romantic man, hates any kind of spontaneity and gets weirdly worried about spending too much money on things (when it suits) - so with these things combined, I really wonder whether he is ever going to propose.

Now, I know that I could ask him. I know I could just ‘have a conversation’ and we could very sensibly just decide to get married. However I would really really love for once for him to show some romance, some effort and to do sometime special. I don’t care that it’s an old fashioned way of looking at it. I want a nice proposal - nothing public but something that he has thought about.

We are both 32 nearly 33. I would like to have a baby before 35 ideally and we both agree being married first is best. So surely it’s got to happen soon?

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts, already wedding planning and I feel I am living vicariously through them!

I suppose I’d like to know if anyone else has been through the same with a similar DP and if they ever did end up married?

Is he a decent kind supportive man who’s got your back?if yes he’s a keeper
If you have misgivings and he’s not nice then no he’s probably the wrong guy

Marriage doesn’t change men or women.
The big day is literally a day. I’d advise keep the spending and expectations realistic. Because what matters is all the stuff after.

Can i ask have you had the big conversation eg
Schools - faith school y or no
Childcare - eg nursery, nanny, cm or relatives. y or n.
Work - will you return? FT or PT. will he return FT or part time. Will one of you be a SAHP
Parenting styles, what core values do you have?

Just bloody talk to him about it. I can't believe how passive so many women are

The thing is that although he must suit you in many ways, in this way - being romantic - he doesn't. So if you do finally wrangle a proposal out of him, you're going to be disappointed so many times in the future. I think you either have to accept he's not romantic and give it to him straight about getting married, or face a lifetime of small disappointments.

Sheesh
Mumsnet can be harsh!

OP hope your ok xxx

You need to tell him that if he doesn't get married, you can no longer waste your time.

Say it because you deserve to have your time respected.

Mean it.

If the conversation doesn't go well, move out.

If he’s never done something romantic, that just isn’t him. It’s not going to suddenly happen at a proposal. You’ll find yourself bitterly disappointed if he does propose because it’s not some big, flashy thing.

You’ve had the conversations but clearly they aren’t going anywhere. So you need to be quite blunt and say to him that if you want children before you’re 35, you need to be getting engaged now. Your friend who got engaged after 9 years, I’d be very surprised if there wasn’t a conversation involved, they may have just decided that he’d do some grand gesture for a proposal. The fact that he gives sarcastic answers when you bring up getting engaged is very telling.

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts

You're 32 and you haven't yet twigged that social media is all bullshit?

You can have the conversation and still have the romance though. I told my DH one September that I wanted to be getting married the next summer, so that we could TTC. Told him I was going to be getting him an engagement ring over the next few weeks as a nice token, and he said he'd do the same.

He had one made for me, and then surprised me with a "proposal" (basically just giving me the ring and asking the question even though he knew the answer). I gave him his at the same time. It was nice. There was no waiting around and we had the nice moment.

We'd been talking about getting married for ages, but I decided to get things moving. He loves telling people about it! I wouldn't swap that story for any big moment of surprise!

You need to decide what is important to you, you really do.

Here is a list to start with, which of these is most important:

1. Romantic proposal
2. Being married before ttc
3. ttc before you turn 35
4. Being married

You could spend another 5 years (and the rest of your fertile ones) waiting for him to propose only for him to leave you and someone else gets the romantic proposal and the family you wanted.

My dh is younger than me. When we met I told him that I wanted to be married before having kids, I wanted to start ttc when I was 34 which meant that he had three years to get engaged and marry me. If that's not what he wanted then he needed work that out in the first 6 months of dating me so I had time to meet someone else.

I also offered to propose.

Stop being so passive about your own life.

@Wheelyyyy harsh?shall we all just encourage her to wait coquettishly, simper and hope he gets the hint
The joy of mn is she’ll hear responses people probably wouldn’t deliver in RL
She’s being really quite daft. I’m appalled women give men all that power. Power to keep them waiting in anticipation. Held in limbo

He's not one for romantic gestures so even if you get the frothy proposal, you'll be unhappy because three times a year minimum you'll feel let down and self pitying as birthday, valentines and Xmas pass by without a romantic effort from him.

You have to decide what matters to you most. Him, or some bloke you haven't met yet.

I'd be so pissed off if I was him, he's been clear he's not Romantic yet you're still after him to be.

I too know a woman who got married after all the Romantic stuff in abundance. Got divorced six months after after finding out he had a child with another woman who he hadn't mentioned in their four years together.

Romance is the sop that women have been fed, by men, over the centuries, to make up for their failures.

I think it boils down to who you see as being the one to rock the boat. who does the boat belong to? who is most scared of falling out of the boat.

If you are afraid to rock the boat by voicing the reasonable expectation that your time be respected and valued, then he has more power. It's your boat and he doesn't care what happens next. If you leave if you stay, if you have 18 fertile months left before you decide to bail, he doesn't care. Tell him what he needs to do to stay valuable to you, what he needs to do to be worthy of your respect.

I'm not married but I did have these conversations with somebody at one point.

I'd never be afraid to lose somebody who didn't value me now..

Romance is the sop that women have been fed, by men, over the centuries, to make up for their failures ⬅️Hell yea

Broach it today.

'Are we getting married in June or before? I'm not willing to leave it any longer.'
'What? I thought we'd need a few years to save up/I'm not ready yet.'
'I am ready now, so it's shape up or ship out. I want a formal proposal and a ring by Sunday, and to be planning a small, inexpensive wedding next week for Easter to June. I'd like to be pregnant by Christmas. That's my life plan. I'd like it to be you but if you aren't up for it, I'll move on. Are you in or out?'
New phase in your life is on the way.

@MrsBobDylan

You need to decide what is important to you, you really do.

Here is a list to start with, which of these is most important:

1. Romantic proposal
2. Being married before ttc
3. ttc before you turn 35
4. Being married

You could spend another 5 years (and the rest of your fertile ones) waiting for him to propose only for him to leave you and someone else gets the romantic proposal and the family you wanted.

My dh is younger than me. When we met I told him that I wanted to be married before having kids, I wanted to start ttc when I was 34 which meant that he had three years to get engaged and marry me. If that's not what he wanted then he needed work that out in the first 6 months of dating me so I had time to meet someone else.

I also offered to propose.

Stop being so passive about your own life.

I like that. More women need to be like this. ''Here's what you need to do to keep me''. And you gave him six months to figure out if he wanted a serious relationship or to move on, you didn't say this on the first date!

Are you living with him? Because if so, there's no reason for him to get married.

Are you absolutely sure he is The One? Are you holding onto an ideal of him that doesn't exist (romantic gestures) because he will not change!

And yeah, social media is bullshit, stay away from it!!

He's tight when it's not in his favour, and not spontaneous, unromantic

I wouldn't marry him, unless you feel you need to settle because times ticking on

If you want romance and spontaneity in your life... don't go out with someone who is neither romantic nor spontaneous.

When you're in a relationship with someone you have to take them as they are, not hope/expect them to change their characters. If their character isn't what you want you're free to move on!

OP if you marry this man he's unlikely to ever really change those things. If you'd struggle with it on a long-term basis maybe he's not the one for you.

We’ve been married 25 years and I class DH as a romantic - still brings me a cup of coffee with a kiss each morning, likes to hold hands etc.
We met at Uni but never had a proposal but had a conversation as to what we wanted for our future. I don’t have a engagement ring (or wedding ring) as I don’t like them. I never classed myself as being engaged as we decided to get married, told everyone, chose the date and venue and got married.
If you and your DP can’t sit down to discuss and plan your future, I don’t think you have one together.

A proposal doesn’t necessarily mean marriage though.

I’ve been proposed to 3 times. First was my first serious boyfriend and we split up after a year. Second was the father of my son, we were together for 7 years and split up, third was my current dp and he proposed on my birthday 12 years ago, still not married.

The common theme was all 3 of them were roaring drunk ( the first 2 times were on holiday ) and although they got me a ring afterwards- not before- it just felt a bit wrong.

I would rather have had none of that and had a proposal that felt like he actually meant it. You’ve got years in you yet op but I understand you wanting to be married before babies.

It may be that you have to spell it out to him. Don’t waste the best years of your life.

OP, he is unromantic because it suits him. He won't change. My DH is like that.

@Daphne564 this was me 10 years ago. I'd been with my EP for 8 years. Loads of hints and going to friends weddings and nothing. So we had the chat and he was like well as was going to ask you but I'm not now as it won't be a surprise! So he kept me on the hook for another year until I'd had enough. I knew he would never marry me so I dumped him. Then he proposed, I accepted but knew deep down it was finished when he bought me a very expensive but fugly ring (more expensive then the one I loved!)
We broke up when I was 34, a year later I met my DH. After 6 months we had the talk and we both wanted marriage and babies so we said if we were still together in 6 month we would go full on. So within the space of 18months we met, had a baby, married and bought our home. It wasn't Disney but it worked for us.
Don't waste your time have the chat.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

coquettishly

You keep using that word... I do not think it means what you think it means.

I do understand the meaning and the context in which I’m using it.thanks

I had a nice engagement story, truth behind it was that we'd already had the conversation, set the date and booked the church. These proposal stories you see might not be as straightforward as they look. I was happy to do it how we did, the proposal bit was sweet but I knew what I wanted from the relationship and we had a very straightforward discussion and as the church booked up quickly we got that bit sorted first!