Engagement season - and an unromantic DP

[Daphne564]

Just need to get this off my chest as there’s no way I could admit to this in real life.

This Christmas period three, yes THREE of my very good friends have got engaged. All with really lovely, special stories and I am really happy for them, genuinely.

I also can’t help feeling wistful/envious. I’ve been with DP 5 years and although we have discussed getting married a bit, in the sense that we both do want to get married (to each other) and start a family eventually, DP seems in no rush.

He is good in many ways but also the world’s least romantic man, hates any kind of spontaneity and gets weirdly worried about spending too much money on things (when it suits) - so with these things combined, I really wonder whether he is ever going to propose.

Now, I know that I could ask him. I know I could just ‘have a conversation’ and we could very sensibly just decide to get married. However I would really really love for once for him to show some romance, some effort and to do sometime special. I don’t care that it’s an old fashioned way of looking at it. I want a nice proposal - nothing public but something that he has thought about.

We are both 32 nearly 33. I would like to have a baby before 35 ideally and we both agree being married first is best. So surely it’s got to happen soon?

My friends are all showing their rings in multiple Instagram posts, already wedding planning and I feel I am living vicariously through them!

I suppose I’d like to know if anyone else has been through the same with a similar DP and if they ever did end up married?

There are two things for you to think about.
The first is do you really want to spend a lifetime with someone who lacks spontaneity and romantic inclinations? (No judgement either way just actually ask yourself if you will still be happy with the lack of romance when life's stresses have increased)
The second is does he actually understand the timeline? Many men don't, my then partner starting making comments about what we could call our future children etc and I responded in earnest that I wouldn't have children without being married and as I was in my thirties he had about a year to propose, as we would need a year to save for a wedding and would need to be starting ttc two years from when he mentioned it.
He hadn't realised the fertility implications of our ages as mens media tends not to contain articles on fertility!
He did propose and we did get married, and I am very happy with him.
Unfortunately I got cancer so children are not a possibility, now it's about keeping me alive as long as possible.
He has been great through all the treatment, the most romantic things he has done include washing and dressing me before cleaning the house before he went to work.
But he was romantic before, not in a public showy way which would embarrass me but he has always bought me small presents or cards just because, brought me tea in bed etc.
Getting married or me getting sick didn't change him.

Remember instagram/facebook is not real life.

My cousin announced they got engaged on New Years Eve as though it was some big event. In fact the wedding has already been planned and booked for some time, so the engagement announcement is just for show.

I asked my DH to marry me. It was very spontaneous but the least romantic proposal ever. We have been happily married for 20 years though.

You know who he is and there’s no point expecting him to change. He may be romantic in his own ways and less interested in performative gestures or social media fluff than you are. Or, he’s happy with the status quo and isn’t bothered by marriage. Tbh if you’re arguing about it then you’ve already got bigger problems than not keeping up with your ring wearing friends.

You’re in your 30s, want to be married and have a baby. The proposal just isn’t a massive deal in the scheme of those things.

I’ve been married twice, first time was a big insta-worthy proposal, garden filled with candles on a snowy night, down on one knee, romantic words - shit marriage. And a calm quiet chat in the curry house waiting for a takeaway followed by a small wedding of just close family a couple of months later. Still married, very happy, had a baby, wouldn’t change a thing. We’re equals and treat each other as such. Something as significant as marriage is something we discussed and agreed together.

You need to stop caring what’s going on in other peoples’ relationships and start being honest with yourself and your man about what you want and where your lives are going.

Stop waiting around as if marriage is something he’ll bestow upon you when you’re good enough and have earned it. You’re an adult. You want to be a wife and a mother. If he’s stalling about marriage, even if you get your proposal you’ll have a nightmare getting him to set a date, dragging him down the aisle and getting him to ttc.

You get one life. Start owning it.

I’m not romantic at all , it’s just not me . We were together for 19 years before we got married, we just talked about it , I said fine you sort it out and we’ll get married, quick register office , weekend in a posh hotel in York ...... sorted. Still together now. Most men aren’t very romantic and gushy about weddings like women are.

We were out having a bar meal in a local pub. He said “are you doing anything next Friday?” “No why?” “Well I thought we could get married” and carried on eating his dinner! We got a special licence and that was it married at the registry office 6 days after the proposal! That was almost 39 years ago and I never had an engagement ring.

My ex strung me along for 7 years. Proposed, had engagement party and looked at venues.

He then told me he didn’t actually want to get married before marrying someone else 6 months after we split.

I learned my lesson.

When I met DH I told him I was happy to keep dating unless he planned to move in, in which case I would expect a proposal within 12 months.

He did, on the sofa one night after a takeaway.

He was too nervous to choose a ring so we went shopping together the next day.

I also told him I didn’t want kids so if he did, he shouldn’t marry me.

We were 29 when we met and 33 when we got married.

My advice is tell him what you want but be prepared to walk away if it’s not what he wants.

@MrsGrindah I did the same with my ex H - after 5 years I proposed to him (leap year) and he said yes, mainly because - as he used to tell all his friends - 'to shut me up'. He'd always said he didn't want to get married at all, was totally unromantic and saw an engagement ring as a 'waste of money'...so I didn't get one. He also point blank refused to wear a wedding ring. I totally ignored it all, and we got married when we should have split up.

He was a crap husband and the marriage limped on until I finally ended it after 9 years. I could kick myself for wasting most of my 30s on someone who just didn't want the same things as me.

I gave my ex an ultimatum. I wanted to be married before having children, and I thought that after four years he should have some idea if he wanted to marry me or not. He didn’t think I would follow it through. I did. Five months later I was engaged to now DH. Ex said to me at the wedding that it was the biggest mistake he had made. Fortunately he’s now happily married with kids, but not before stringing someone else along for several years.

I’ve never worn a wedding ring either , ( except the weekend we got married ) can’t stand wearing rings , never bothered our woman in the slightest.

Some of these replies are harsh but they are also right I'm afraid. You need to take back control here, talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. He needs to step up or you need for seriously think about what it is you want. Romantic proposals are all well and good but you've said it yourself, that's not your guys style. If you want that, then you should look for a partner you're more compatible with.
There is nothing wrong with going after what you want, that's a myth created by men, don't passively wait and hope.

I also understand the desire to be swept off your feet but it is the least important thing when it comes to working out whether someone is the right partner for you. You know he’s not romantic so don’t expect romance here either. My DH isn’t romantic either but he has a host of other qualities which are far more important to me.

As PP have said, this is about building a future together which you hope will involve children and with your biological clock ticking. Yes you probably still have several fertile years ahead of you. But it’s only your biological clock that’s ticking - not his. He could well father children well into his 40s, 50s and even 60s. So if you want marriage followed by DCs with this man you have to drive this forward. Don’t give him all the power. You’re not an ornament waiting to be plucked off the shelf. You are an equal participant in this venture.

For balance I need to add plenty people are happy to cohabit. Marriage isn’t the zenith of a relationship
Do obviously read up on the legalities of cohabitation
There is no such thing as common law wife. Cohabitation doesn’t confer same rights as a wife
Look into inheritance tax gain
Make a will
Nominate each other as NoK and register it with GP

If you’re both happy to continue with cohabitation,do that

Why not face the issue head on? Make a nice meal, over wine, say "I really happy with you and I'd like to get married this summer in a small wedding at a Registrar's Office. Is that something you want?" Then be silent, don't fill the any conversation gaps for him. Let him take his time to answer. Really listen.
If you don't get up from that table having set a date and seen some enthusiasm on his side, then you have your definite and final answer. I suspect it will be a weak "no" where he tries to string you a long and says he'd rather wait. It's still a no. Move out and move on. You gave it your best shot and it's his loss.

@noirchatsdeux And isn’t it ironic that we insisted on getting what we wanted, only to discover we really didn’t have it at all!

I proposed to my DH, but it was something we had discussed and I never had any doubt about it. It was something I was excited for. I did the cliche thing and took him to Paris. But I did it after we had been living together for 18 months and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, have children with him yadda, yadda, yadda. The proposal happened because it was an active joyous step in our lives. I would be weary about proposing to someone who just doesn’t seem interested even after a conversation about marriage.

Haven't read every response but my view is, given your age and length of relationship, have a serious conversation and find out if marriage is on the cards.

It's over 25 years now, but I'm fairly sure I raised it with my bf (after nearly 4 years, he stayed at my house one night in the week and every weekend) and we decided there and then. No proposal, though he did provide the ring later. We started planning the wedding straight away and were married 6 months later and in the process of buying a joint home.

I will say I have been instrumental in most, but not all, of the major decisions we have had in our marriage. But we have always been able to agree on the big stuff.

@MrsGrindah Yep! I stupidly ignored a whole field of red flags, the most serious being his refusal to tell his parents about me...for 5 years..met all his friends, but he wouldn't acknowledge my existence to any of his family. God I was so stupid, and I didn't even have the excuse of extreme youth, I was 30... I totally fell for the sunk cost fallacy.

OP, i think you should really have a serious conversation with him about setting a timeline. I would discuss and agree a year you'd like to get married and do the same with having a child. I ddon't get what the big deal is about having this conversation, if you want to get married sooner rather than later, talk about it. Or else if it's not a huge deal for him, he may never get round to it.

Also try not to compare yourself to your friend's situation. If marriage is important to you, I would focus on working towards that, rather than the engagement. Once you both decide when you'd like to get married, then the proposal will naturally follow surely

Also, if you want to have a baby and be married before 35, then you need to have this conversation and start putting things in to action ASAP/yesterday!

I had a complete surprise, beautiful, romantic proposal that I could not have planned better myself, with the perfect ring. We'd been together 10ish years and had 2 children.

I was adamant I didn't want to get married for several of those 10 years tho, and he was the same. We set up wills, insurance, completely joint finances (I have access to every penny we have) as we weren't getting married. Then I had dc1 and changed my mind. We had a conversation and I left it with him.

About 4 years later (LOTS of life got in the way!) he proposed.

We got married 4 months later, immediate family only - weddingy weddings make me anxious 😆 and 2 years later nothing has changed (except we had to reregister the kids and make new wills!).

I would have been ok if he hadn't changed his mind about marriage, so it's not the same as your situation, but I did get a beautiful surprise proposal after many years together.

@Danu2021

You need to tell him that if he doesn't get married, you can no longer waste your time.

Say it because you deserve to have your time respected.

Mean it.

If the conversation doesn't go well, move out.

Who would want to marry someone who needed a threat/ultimatum to get him to the altar?

I would be careful re kids, too. He may give lip service to the notion without truly wanting to be a father.

This whole scenario sounds forced.

YANBU. There is a real life balance, somewhere between you saying “Marry me now” and waiting around until you can no longer have children. You need to have the conversation where he knows your intentions, e.g I want to ttc at such age so I need to be married by... and if he doesn’t propose in that time frame you have your answer.

Please take heed of the warnings on here.

You are distracted by entirely the wrong thing. A proposal doesn't matter in the least. Plenty of people are not 'romantic' in that way and would either dislike or just not want to propose.

But while you're agonising over what is nothing but a detail, your fertile years are passing. His reluctance to propose/set a date might just be because he fondly imagines you have years yet, or it might be because actually, he doesn't want to be married and have a family, and he's been letting you think he does because he likes being in a relationship and is happy to let it ride.

If this is the case you NEED to find out asap. If you get hung up on wanting him to propose and not wanting to bring it up yourself, you could end up sleepwalking into a future with no family.

You have to bring it up - properly. NOW. Even setting a date means nothing really, if he's reluctant, or worse, stringing you along, at this rate you could easily get 3 years down the line and be in your later 30s before you are married and even trying. That's not good.

You have no time to waste here.

If he isn't a romantic type then he probably isn't going to do a super romantic proposal.
When we got engaged the whole thing was a lovely idea and went hilariously wrong. I have no idea what DH actually even said so it could have been anything.

I know couples who got engaged before we did and I was green with envy at their stories. Going away to personal and special locations, on important anniversaries, huge romantic gestures etc.
The thing is, DH isn't like that. He's a bit dopey and silly, very fun and terribly unlucky...so the proposal actually suited us perfectly.

If your DP is very matter of fact or unthoughtful, then expect a proposal to be the same, or not at all!