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Original poster

Wife wants a ‘break’

536 replies

Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:39

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP posts:
litterbird · 28/12/2020 19:45

Firstly can you expand on what you thought wasn't right and how did you handle your stress? Can you think of things that you have done differently since you have been married? Just trying to figure out what has triggered this sudden abandonment of you and the marriage. Sorry to hear you ended up in your car it must have been an awful shock. One other thing....it might be barking up the wrong tree.....has there been any mention of anyone else she has become "friends" with?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:53

Hi. I know she has a lot of stress - work, daughters, money etc. We hadn’t been talking much for a few weeks. I just didn’t pick up on the reason. COVID hasn’t helped. We are both at home whereas I used to be out most of the day commuting. Maybe I have become lazy and complacent - making less effort to look good etc as I’m barely leaving the house. If that’s the case I’m sure that’s something we can talk about and sort out. I just don’t understand. I’m lost.
I don’t think there would be anyone else.

OP posts:
litterbird · 28/12/2020 20:34

It may be she is under a lot of stress, I can feel totally emotionally disengaged if the stress gets bad but dont necessarily leave my partner. Can I ask you if she was over the top with the whole wedding thing, planning it, talking about it constantly, only thinking about the wedding? The reason I ask is my friend went through something similar. She was so focused on the wedding and all the trappings of it, as soon as she was married she realised that this was it and after her and her husband settled into the groove she bolted as she thought it would be all Disney and flowers and hearts. If she saw you getting lazy, maybe not helping as much around the house and being together 24/7 it could be that there dream of what marriage was like with you didn't match the reality. Give her some space but dont let her kidnap your life, you need to figure things out yourself and see if this can be fixed or not.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 20:42

Hi again, thank you that, it makes sense, we both wanted the marriage but she was the one pushing for it to be sooner rather than later.
It just feels like she’s given up way too easily, I’ve had an inordinate amount of stress in the last year or so too but I’d never give up on my marriage.
My problem is I want to go back. It’s not just my wife I’m away from but my whole life. The step kids, my house, the dogs, everything. I want to feel comfortable again, even if that means it’s a bit awkward at home as we will be living separately as such.
I know 6 days isn’t much space (I want to go back in New Year’s Eve) but to me it’s felt like a lifetime. Do I need to man up and go back and let her deal with her own issues while I’m there? We have a big house - I can keep my distance.

OP posts:
Shaniac · 28/12/2020 20:45

Are you contributing to the household chores, bills and childcare (if the daughters are young enough?)

Coukd be stress. Do you think she may be suffering with depression? My dp is very unwell (either flu or covid) and highly highly stressed out about a situation we are in at home. Hes told me twice yesterday he wants to be alone and doesn't want me in the house anymore he wants everyone to go and leave him alone. With dp i know its extreme stress causing it and he doesn't really want to split up. It can be very hard to talk if your partner is like mine and won't share emotions or say whats bothering them.

Have you sat down to talk to her about her feelings and what you can do to help? I know its hard but dont make it about you right now until you know how shes feeling and whats really going on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2020 20:49

If there are step children she can't very well leave to get space herself.

The pandemic has shown massive cracks in relationships that might never have broken without it.

I don't think it's about 'manning up' (something that rarely if ever works to make matters better). It's about explaining that you want to be at home, you'd like to work on things and understand she needs space. Which you will give her in the home. It may push her to actually end things but that might be what is needed.

Shit time of year for this Flowers My first marriage failed at Christmas so I know it's shit.

litterbird · 28/12/2020 20:50

Yes, this is your home and your life too. You need to talk, you need to express yourselves, both of you. You have a right to be there. Go back and even if it is awkward you need to see if you can support her issues and she equally has to support yours. Get marriage counselling if you can and if you think it will help.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 20:51

Hi, I do contribute to the chores and bills and pay the mortgage. I also help with the girls yes.
We did talk, but all I really got out of it is that she thinks I’ve changed. I think if I have (and I sknowledge I probably have a bit) then now I know I can do something about it.
I know I shouldn’t be making it all about me, but I’ve struggled massively since I left. Really struggled like you wouldn’t believe. At least back home I’d have the girls around, my dogs around and a sense of familiarity to comfort myself with.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through tough times too :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 20:55

MrsTerryPratchett I’m sorry to hear about your first marriage. You’re right, it’s a shit time for this to happen. I’m a grown man who spend Christmas Day in his car crying on his own. Pathetic.
You’re right - going back might push her to end it, but I’m praying it might just help her to see and realise I’ve taken note and I’m changing. While I’m away she won’t see that (there is some logic there in my head! )

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 20:58

litterbird Thank you so much - that’s exactly where I’m coming from, I guess I needed to hear it.
I’m thinking going back might be the end of my marriage ...,, but then so might staying away. All I can do is do my best to rescue it and see where it takes us. And I will. She’s the love of my life

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 20:58

OP that's difficult. I must say, I struggle to understand where she's coming from, it's quite a big decision to make so quickly after you got married. I personally would invite her to sit down and talk before you leave so that you also have time to think things through. Then have another conversation when you're back. Otherwise I don't think it's fair to leave you wondering what's going on, just not mature. Is she perhaps overwhelmed with both of you being at home full time, the pandemic and other stresses you mentioned? I guess it's quite a big change and a lot to take in early in the marriage? But then in a good partnership, partners communicate that and that goes for both of you.

mrwalkensir · 28/12/2020 20:59

The children are hers? Why did her original relationship break up ie does she claim it was all his fault?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:02

mrwalkensir Her first marriage ended 12 years ago, as did mine, they both just fizzled out as such. Yes, the girls are hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:04

PurplePansy05 I agree totally - our communication isn’t what it used to be. I don’t really understand why. We did talk before I left but I think I was in so much shock nothing was really making sense to me.

OP posts:
Shaniac · 28/12/2020 21:05

Thanks op i know its a shit time now. Did she say how you had changed? Tbh it doesnt sound like its strictly to do with you changing. It sounds like shes got something else going on in her head shes not sharing.

Shaniac · 28/12/2020 21:08

Just caught up. If her last relationship fizzled out and now shes saying you have changed the problem may well be hers. I do think you need to go back and confront this though op. Im sorry your relationship might end but you going away wont save it either. She needs to be an adult and either talk about it and see if its salvagable or end it properly its unfair and cruel of her not to.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:10

Shaniac I think it’s mainly the routine ( or lack of with COVID) she said I used to leave the the house at 4 am , we’d talk during the day, we’d all eat together, we’d talk at night, and that was our time. It worked. Now I’ve been working at home since March the routine has gone. I get out of bed, log into work, we don’t talk, we all eat different things at different times. It feels chaotic and disorganised, I get it, I agree. I think lots of nightly things have become apparent because we are spending so much time together. The nightly things combined have become too big for her to cope with :(

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 21:11

OP, no wonder you didn't take it all in, I think I'd be pretty gobsmacked tbh. I think you need to go into this all ears, don't commit to anything, don't make promises, let her speak and just tell her you take it all on board, you'll give her space, come back on X date and you'll have another conversation then. I'd play it calm and cool now. Think aboit things in the meantime too, is she the perfect partner for you? Do you feel loved? No signs of her withdrawing from your relationship over the last few months?

stealthninjamum · 28/12/2020 21:12

Op I’m sorry you’ve had such a miserable time. Flowers

I think if you go back it would be a bad move. It would show that you don’t respect her need for space and I do think she’s much more likely to completely end the marriage if she feels pressured. I also think you need to give her the chance to miss you.

My stbexh announced he was leaving after 20 years 2 years ago - just before Xmas - and I did everything to persuade him to stay. I promised to be better, go to counselling, I shouted at him etc etc. He left and I now think if anything I turned him away by begging him to stay.

As it happens I have a happy ending and I am much happier without him, but I realise that for you it seems inconceivable but that you will be happy again. Honestly one day you will be.

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 21:12

Couples therapy

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:12

And thank you...,, I agree with that. If she needs ‘time’ but can’t quantify what that actually means, I could be away for. Mother week, another month, a year? Who knows, s as lol that time waiting for a signal to come back, or a signal to say it’s over. I would be a wreck. It would be agony for me

OP posts:
Shaniac · 28/12/2020 21:13

Is it possible for you to get back into a routine of all eating together? Set aside time for work then set aside family/alone time? Being together none stop is so difficult i hated being stuck inside with dp for 5 months its a huge strain but its one that can be overcome if both parties want it to.

PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 21:13

But that's still really childish of her, you don't just tell your DH to move out because of these things, you talk them through and get your priorities right together. She doesn't sound like a nice person from what you're describing, OP.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:16

stealthninjamum All of that makes sense... thank you. I just honestly don’t think I can be away from my home, my life any longer. I really don’t (and yes I know if I go back New Year’s Eve it will have only been 6 days)

OP posts:
longcoffeebreak · 28/12/2020 21:17

I think she is being really hasty from what you have said. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some timescales and clarification.