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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife wants a ‘break’

536 replies

Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:39

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:22

SnowyOwlWan That’s a very good point, thank you.

OP posts:
Purplethrow · 28/12/2020 22:22

I agree that she needs to be more specific, she’s saying you’ve changed but not saying how , which doesn’t give you a chance to rectify anything.
You can’t say to someone ‘don’t do that’ they reply ‘don’t do what?’ And then say ‘I don’t know’

She needs to at least give you the courtesy of sitting down and discussing this with you.

PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 22:23

Indeed, Marmozet. If OP' wife was male, she'd be flamed immediately. And I am flaming her because based on what we were told, that's what she deserves. Equality is equality, partnership is partnership, no BS here.

OP. I'll say this bluntly. I suspect she wanted you out because she's now seeing someone else and she's testing the waters. I would not be surprised if she was out shagging, frankly, and she couldn't have done that with you wfh and being home all the time.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:24

Thank you so much to all of you. I needed to hear this advice and comment - even the bits I might not have agreeed with. Honestly guys, I’m so grateful to all of you

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:25

PurplePansy05 Shock :(

OP posts:
Shaniac · 28/12/2020 22:25

Op you sound lovely i hope it resolves for you soon. Always feel free to come on here to vent if you need too.

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 22:28

Ask for couples counselling. Talk it through with her and a therapist

Shamzki · 28/12/2020 22:28

I would also suggest couples therapy, but if she doesn't want to go, then that's not an option.

My first reaction after reading your message reminds me of my ex. Out of the blue, he said he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted to do next regarding our relationship. I was shocked, stunned etc, loved him endlessly, did way more than my share of the chores, life management tasks, paid more of the bills. I was devastated. I left the house, more fool me. If he wanted space, he should've made arrangements for him to leave the home. Turns out, he'd met somebody else, and wanted the "time and space" to develop a relationship with her.

You sound like a really nice guy, too nice for her perhaps. If she wants time and space, let her leave the family home, consider(not too much) whether you want her back or not.

People hide their motives for such things very well, especially if you are a caring, trusting type of person.

So my advice would be:

  1. suggest couples therapy first(which I suspect she won't want to do as my ex didn't either)
  2. if she wants time and space, let her move out, in the meantime, if she stays, you have to reconsider how you want that dynamic in the house - separate bedrooms etc, or just move out and get your own place altogether and move on
  3. Reconsider if you really deserve and want to be with her after this
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:29

Shaniac Not quite lovely enough for the one person it matters with though :(
Thank you for saying that, it’s really nice of you

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 22:29

Sorry for being harsh. I might be cynical, but the timing of it, Christmas, lots of people being off, it just makes sense. Well, more sense than what she has told you so far.

Whatever happens, look after yourself OP and I hope things will work out in the best possible way for you xx

Shamzki · 28/12/2020 22:30

Oh yeah and when she says you've changed, that's just her trying to distract attention away from herself and whatever unpleasantness she's got going on

AppleJane · 28/12/2020 22:31

Okay so putting that aside, you're left with a very sudden change and no explanation.

Is it even possible that she could have met someone else? Does she leave the house for any amount of time. Is she secretive about her phone? Has she changed her appearance recently?

To be honest if it's not someone else it could be a mental health issue.

I'm not suggesting you contact the children but would they usually text you and have they since you left?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:31

Shamzki I’m sorry you went through similar. Heartbreaking isn’t it :(
Thank you for that advice..., it makes sense completely

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:32

PurplePansy05 Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:35

AppleJane She started a new job a couple of months ago but that’s all.
Funnily enough I’m speaking to one of the girls right now on text

OP posts:
AppleJane · 28/12/2020 22:42

A new job. New people to meet. It's definitely possible then that she's met someone.

I had a male friend in a very similar situation to you and sadly she used the excuse of space when really it was just a long goodbye. He was left waiting for her to come home for months until he found out from someone else she had a new person.

I know you love her deeply but you deserve to be treated kindly x

Thewiseoneincognito · 28/12/2020 22:43

She sounds like a difficult one OP. You’ll be better off getting rid, hard at first but you will look back in a years time and see you dodged a bullet. You could bag yourself a stunner too if you sort yourself out and take some pride in your appearance. Winner winner 👍🏻👍🏻

mistletoeandsigh · 28/12/2020 22:51

It sounds a bit strange. Have a look back over the past few months - the communication, the sex, the effort to engage with one another. Can you see anything that might have caused this?

Graphista · 28/12/2020 23:06

Cherchez le mâle!

Sorry

But sounds classic cheaters script to me!

I've been there and there's soooo much that's familiar.

Sorry you're going through this but I think you need to investigate this possibility at the very least and be prepared to find out there is someone else.

I even wonder if the push for the marriage was an attempt to put herself out of temptations way thinking if she married you it would change his or her mindset and make them more likely to stick to not seeing each other? A scenario I've seen happen in real life, usually the man is married. Sometimes marrying someone else is to "punish" the lover too or to try and push them into leaving the wife.

Dery · 28/12/2020 23:09

“She sounds like a difficult one OP. You’ll be better off getting rid, hard at first but you will look back in a years time and see you dodged a bullet.”

I think this is right. I don’t think it’s you, really, OP. This is the risk you take with getting married too quickly. Very swift marriages can work out but they often don’t because the couple only know each other in a honeymoon phase context. You two didn’t spend enough time getting to know each other as a couple experiencing the daily grind and after some of the shine had worn off. It feels to me like she is regretting having got married and, whether or not there is someone else on the scene, she wants the freedom that comes with not being married. If she was serious about making your marriage work, you wouldn’t be out on your ear after 3 months of marriage with vague mutterings about needing space for an unknown period of time.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2020 23:11

Did she move into your house OP?

If she truly wants to end the marriage then as hurtful as it will be for you, it had better happen sooner rather than later. Do not let her keep you dangling until the marriage has been in existence for a year.

Go back. It's your home too. She knows full well what she's about, she's just pretending she doesn't, because she doesn't want to tell you what's really going on. A pp said earlier "Don't let her kidnap your life". Wise words.

Does she know or care where you're sleeping? In the middle of a pandemic in particular, she's cool with you being outside, upset and away from home? You say you were friends for years. This isn't friendly though is it?

Your friend is also right. Presuming you are telling the truth - You need to open your eyes, and fast. Talk with her. Then make your decision from there and take off the love goggles when you do. Hope you can be reconciled but if you can't then things need to be sorted out sooner than later.

Her behaviour sounds dodgy to me but then again you know her, we don't on here...

SandyY2K · 28/12/2020 23:12

Like a pp I suspect there's someone else involved. She says you've changed...but so has she. Surely the wife you knew and loved wouldn't do this...especially at this time of year. Although no time is great.

I also feel she's playing on your love for her, because not many men would move out of the home they pay the mortgage on for no good reason.

Would you say the love is equal or do you hold her in much higher esteem than she does you ?

Shes being far too wishy washy and I do hope she's not taking advantage, knowing that you love her so much.

A marriage takes 2...it can't just be you moving heaven and earth to please her, because ultimately she won't respect you and will lose attraction for you.

You sound like a good person...don't be a doormat.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2020 23:13

& what Dery said

If she was serious about making your marriage work, you wouldn’t be out on your ear after 3 months of marriage with vague mutterings about needing space for an unknown period of time

JudyGemstone · 29/12/2020 10:38

As someone who was a single parent for years before moving in with a partner I also wonder if she's got too used to running the home her way and having space for her herself and her daughters.

It sounds as though your day was crazy, 4am start and a late finish! You must have had only very set times together that she could integrate into her routine comfortably. And now you're always there and she feels it encroaches on her personal space/time.

I could be wrong of course, but if I'm not then it really does show a real dearth of self awareness that she can't articulate this and instead is attacking you and accusing you of having changed, when it's the circumstances that have changed.

Like fuck would I be paying a mortgage for a house I didn't live in, so if she is really sure she wants out then she'll have to sort something out properly. Don't let her walk all over you.

PurplePansy05 · 29/12/2020 10:48

Hope you're ok today, OP 💐

If you want to talk, please do. Hope things work out ok and as quickly as possible.

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