Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

PurplePansy05 Thank you, I really appreciate it. I’m struggling. I’m also incredibly grateful for all of the kind advice (even the bits I didn’t want to comprehend) x

JudyGemstone Thank you. You’ve summed things up pretty well. I do however acknowledge I’ve probably changed a bit to, but down to the situation you’ve described so well. That bit is easily fixable though

Are you on your own? Do you have anyone to talk to/go for a walk with to clear your head a bit in real life? Please look after yourself x

SandyY2K Thank you for the advice and comment. I’d like to think the love was equal. Everything was perfect or so I thought, until the last few weeks at least.

PurplePansy05 I’m staying with a family member, but I have literally nobody I can talk to. I think that’s why I reached out on here. I needed to get it off my chest and release some of the things running through my head. x

Understandable, lots of us do it whenever needed. Is there a chance you could reach out to your friend who you spoke to before? You shouldn't be alone IRL with this, unless that's what you prefer right now of course x

I always suggest the poster visits a solicitor to see what would happen if you separated. Then the future is not blissful happiness with the DW OR homeless misery it is a different future, not what you hoped for but doable. So then you can discuss things from a calmer perspective.
I think she my have come across someone at her new job and she is going off you because of that.
The chaotic house sounds awful, I would find that stressful.
Why can't you all eat together in the evening. You can cook and clear up.
The two girls will possibly leave home in the not too distant future. Does she want to live alone? How do you get on with them, if they are uncomfortable with you there living with them they might have passed this to DW and she is responding.

I have to admit that when DH and I worked opposing shifts and then had to get used to being around each other all of the time again, it was very hard. Very hard. Sounds like she was used to you not being there and now you are all of the time.

I noticed you mentioned about the shirt bring left on the floor. You didn't think it was worth getting so annoyed about. Do you tidy up after yourself? Do you tidy up after yourself all of the time? Or does it all get left for her to have to deal with all day until you decide to tidy it up? These things aren't big in themselves. But when it is over and over again, it is like water on rock. You mention the routine has gone to pot. How much time do you take to sit down together and spend quality time together? Do you still make an effort with her?

I also disagree that a new job automatically means an affair or she's had her head turned. Maybe getting out of the house and doing something new has given her a confidence boost and is now making her look at other areas of her life. I know I did the same.

I think you need to sit down and talk. You need to hear what she has to say. You need to really listen to what she is saying. I'm saying this because I had a really rocky year with my DH while we got used to being together a lot more a few years ago. But we came out of the other side by actually communicating and listening to each other.

I must confess- first thing I thought when reading this was “she’s found someone else”

Nothing’s changed my mind since

PurplePansy05 Not really. He’s more of a straightforward bloke with the attitude of ‘f* that..... go home, tell her to sort herself out and if she can’t then move on ‘ 😂 x

Your relationship sounds rushed. The 12 years that you have been friends prior, don’t amount to much because a platonic relationship is very different to a romantic one.

Your relationship may have worked simply because you didn’t spend much time together and COVID probably has exposed that. Your relationship simply may not have enough of a foundation to overcome whatever it is that she finds unsatisfactory.

I’d give it a few weeks longer but make it clear that you will need to talk and find a way forward.

Sittinginmyoodie Thank you. Everything you say makes a lot of sense. I’m not untidy but she has commented that her and the girls were always used to their routine - I’ve obviously disrupted that. And like I’ve said I acknowledge the fact I’ve made less effort than I used to perhaps. Not an excuse at all, but circumstances have allowed that to happen. I know though that that’s easy to fix. Since I left I’ve made some life choices for. Self - in terms of my own well-being, and I feel healthier and more alert for that.

AgentJohnson Again, that’s a common sense comment, thank you. That may well be the case. I’m just hoping she’ll work through her problems, both on her own and when she’s ready, with me

You sound like a really great guy, I admire how you have conducted yourself, with the best intentions, but ultimately it might not be the best way to get things resolved. You both need to have a good honest chat about the future, face to face. Good luck

Previous posters have urged the OP to “really listen to her”. That’s the problem. He has and she has come out with some wishy-washy garbage. Since the OP has moved out the impetus for her to properly communicate her mindset has plummeted. In order for her to do the emotional deep dive required to offer up the actual answers the OP deserves, she needs to be the one sleeping on a friend’s sofa for the next few weeks, not him. He knows where his head is at. She’s the one with the brain fog (assuming she’s not being dishonest). Don’t enable her dysfunctional behaviour by letting her live in this fantasy realm where a man has to sleep in his car on Christmas Day based on some ephemeral dissatisfaction she has with her life that she can’t articulate.
Nothing quite focuses the mind quite like staring at the ceiling of temporary accommodation wondering how your life just suddenly turned to shit. It should be her asking herself those questions, not the OP.

My first thought was "she's despoerate for spacve because you're working from home."

If she's been a single parent all that time, then went to sharing a home with you but plenty of alone time because of your workday routine, she may well be feeling suffocated having you ever-present.

I've been with DH for 30 years and I've found aspects of this year enough to make me tear my hair out. He's never not here. It throws all my rhythms off.

Talk with her.

oh god, so many fat-fingered typos!

5pForAPlasticBag - where have you been all my life 😂. I don’t know you, but I wish I had someone in my life to offer that kind of straightforward, no nonsense, real advice. Thank you so much

SpiderGwen The problem is I can’t talk to her at the moment. Of course I will when she’s ready. Your comments make perfect sense though. Things are becoming a bit clearer in my mind after listen to you all, both in terms of what I should do and what may have caused this. I can’t thank you all enough

NellyDElephant Thank you very much, that’s a nice thing to say.

In my mind it could be two things - either she married you for freindship, rather than a great passion, and now she has started work she has found someone who has knocked her socks off

Or as others have said, she is used to living the way she likes and now that you are around all the time, even if you are working, she is feeling suffocated and like she has to 'entertain' you rather than just get on with her own thing. I can emphasise with that - Ive been a single parent for 18 years and I like the autonomy of doing my own thing. I similarly like to spend time with my DP when I see him at set times - which sounds a little bit like how your relationship ran, as it appears you were out of the house a great deal. However Im not sure truthfully whether I could cope with living full time with him, nor him me, as Id feel as if I was being very rude if I was ignoring him to spend 3 hours browsing on MN, even though I know thats my own issue (the obligation to feel I should be giving attention)
when you have compartmentalised your life and your attentions into different blocks of time, it can throw you completely when it all changes and overlaps (but I have ASD so this may be a personal thing)

just to add, many women who have been SAHM or worked PT and have organised their life so that it works well, report a similar thing when their previously workaholic partner retires, and suddenly expects them to allow them to tag along onto the wife's routine, or resents them going off and seeing friends. Men who had never previously given any headspace to how their wife was filling her day, wanting her to suddenly switch all attention to him, or account for her whereabouts

NettleTea Again, that’s is a great comment, and I understand that completely. I don’t think I’m demanding in her time, if anything the problem may be the opposite. As routine has died it’s become more difficult to have quality time alone.

yes it can be hard to do that when you are 'there' all the time.
perhaps thats something that needs addressing
but as I say - it may be her perception that she 'cant' just get on with her own thing while you are there, even if its not true. I know thats my feelings, even though its not true. Its caused problems for me in the past. so the problem may be that she is feeling stuff thats entirely down to her own issues

5pForAPlasticBag what a fantastic post.