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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife wants a ‘break’

536 replies

Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:39

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:57

PurplePansy05 Yeah, both in our late 40’s.
you’re right, I love her to bits. I think I probably always will x

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:58

AppleJane Sorry, I missed this comment. No, we bought the house together, we own it jointly

OP posts:
AppleJane · 28/12/2020 21:59

Ah okay, and do you both pay half the mortgage?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 21:59

Marmozet Thank you..,, another piece of sound advice I think

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Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:01

AppleJane No I pay the mortgage - I earn much more. We both contribute to the household though. It’s just what works for us

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Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:02

Shaniac Sorry, I missed your last comment.
Thank you, you’ve been extremely helpful

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PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 22:03

OP, she can't kick you out of the house for an unknown period of time in these circumstances. What an utter joke. You're way too submissive to her unreasonable demands.

I did think along the lines of other posters' suggestions, my gut instinct is that she met someone else. I'm sorry, you don't deserve this BS.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 22:03

You need to go back home immediately. Tell your wife you love her, you will give her space and you want to fix your marriage, but you will not be kicked out of your own home.

5pForAPlasticBag · 28/12/2020 22:03

For her to essentially ask you to leave the family home and sleep in your car, she has a moral duty to give you an explicit, full and honest reason - she’s your wife, that’s part of the deal. Simply saying she needs space, you’re not the man she married, you know some of the reasons why etc - are all vague and doing nothing but leave you with more questions than answers - it’s a kind of psychological torture. You may not be strapped to a chair but there’s white noise playing in your skull and that ALL on her. She is putting you in an emotional stress position with no commitment on how long that will go on for and no truthful reasons given for why. There’s a name for that kind of behaviour - emotional abuse.
If you normalise such behaviour by acceding to her demands for space without adequate itemisation of her reasons, then you become complicit in your own abuse. Do not let her keep you in a holding pattern of misery - make her spell out her reasons CONCRETELY. If she can’t then she is either being dishonest or she doesn’t even know what they are herself - either way, thats her issue, not yours and she should be the one sleeping in the car until she can be honest or until she can get her head straight.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:04

PurplePansy05 I really really hope that’s not true :(

OP posts:
AppleJane · 28/12/2020 22:05

I don't think you should stay away long. Especially as she's not given you any valid reasons as to what you've actually done. I'm presuming you both don't get angry and throw things at each other etc?

How old are the children?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:05

Aquamarine1029 Thank you . More sound advice

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Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:07

5pForAPlasticBag - I’m lost for words. Thank you so much. I know I’m too soft, but that’s gives me some real clarity and thought. Thank you again

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Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:09

AppleJane 100% correct. No raised voices, no shouting etc.
Girls are 16 and 17 so not youngsters

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Marmozet · 28/12/2020 22:10

@5pForAPlasticBag

For her to essentially ask you to leave the family home and sleep in your car, she has a moral duty to give you an explicit, full and honest reason - she’s your wife, that’s part of the deal. Simply saying she needs space, you’re not the man she married, you know some of the reasons why etc - are all vague and doing nothing but leave you with more questions than answers - it’s a kind of psychological torture. You may not be strapped to a chair but there’s white noise playing in your skull and that ALL on her. She is putting you in an emotional stress position with no commitment on how long that will go on for and no truthful reasons given for why. There’s a name for that kind of behaviour - emotional abuse. If you normalise such behaviour by acceding to her demands for space without adequate itemisation of her reasons, then you become complicit in your own abuse. Do not let her keep you in a holding pattern of misery - make her spell out her reasons CONCRETELY. If she can’t then she is either being dishonest or she doesn’t even know what they are herself - either way, thats her issue, not yours and she should be the one sleeping in the car until she can be honest or until she can get her head straight.

Actually having read this you really can't just be left to keep waiting as it's simply not fair on you and you deserve answers.

PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2020 22:11

I know, I hope that isn't the case for your sake but ultimately I understand you came here for an honest discussion and looking at the circumstances from a female perspective, that is my gut instinct.

Either way, who demands that a husband who pays a lion share for the house leaves and makes him sleep in his car as a result just because he's allegedly "changed"? Do you recognise just how insane this is?

Would you ever treat her this way? If not, why do you accept it?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:12

Marmozet I thought exactly that when I read that advice...,

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Marmozet · 28/12/2020 22:14

I do think there is a lot more to this and yes my gut instinct is that there is someone else. Of course I could be totally wrong there but to me she certainly isn't being honest about her reasons.

I personally don't believe in breaks and if someone isn't sure that they want to be with you and you haven't done anything wrong, then they simply don't deserve you.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:15

PurplePansy05 I think I’ve been in such a daze , shock even, I didn’t really consider myself until I left. My mindset was ‘my wife needs this so I will give it to her’ . Unfortunately I didn’t think how much torture it would be for me.
And no..., of course I would never do that to her. Never

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AppleJane · 28/12/2020 22:15

Struggling73 there's no nice way to say this but you need to consider that her plan was to marry you and have you pay all the bills.

You've been friends for 12 years and perhaps she reached a point in her life when she realised she would never own her own home and looked around for a way to achieve it.

On the other hand, Covid has made many people act out of character and she may just be feeling closed in like most of us are right now.

Go home and cuddle your dog and keep yourself in a separate room but firmly state that you both need to talk and you can help her move out is she's still adamant.

Marmozet · 28/12/2020 22:16

@PurplePansy05

I know, I hope that isn't the case for your sake but ultimately I understand you came here for an honest discussion and looking at the circumstances from a female perspective, that is my gut instinct.

Either way, who demands that a husband who pays a lion share for the house leaves and makes him sleep in his car as a result just because he's allegedly "changed"? Do you recognise just how insane this is?

Would you ever treat her this way? If not, why do you accept it?

Yeah, if a man did this to a woman based on the reason she's changed then there would be uproar.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:18

Marmozet Thank you again. All of this advice has been brilliant. Just what I needed. I’m definitely going back on Thursday and I will be telling her I want us to work, but if I can’t make her happy then it’s up to her to move or we work it out until the house is sold and all of that other practical stuff . ... I need to be in my own home

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SnowyOwlWan · 28/12/2020 22:20

Maybe what feels like companionable silence to you feels like a tortuous silence to her. I know people who've said to me that they have nothing to say to each other because they're always together, always at home, not at work, not meeting colleagues. I'd say it's tough, but If I'd married somebody 18 months ago I would try and get through covid and not blame my new spouse for the lack of conversation for the time being.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 22:21

AppleJane I can see how it would look like that but it’s not the case. She owned her own home when we got together. Infact t I moved into it with her until we bought this one.
I’m going to take your advice though, I’m going home. I’ll give her as much space as possible while still being there, and spend some quality time with the dogs x

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Shaniac · 28/12/2020 22:21

@PurplePansy05 i thought the same. No sane woman throws her husband of 3 months out because he has "changed", during a pandemic. With no time frame or explanation. That sort of behaviour is reserved for really bad relationship troubles not something easily solved by talking.

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