Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

PurplePansy05 She’s amazing. Up until this point I would change a thing about her. I’m just so confused at the moment :(

Shaniac I’ve suggested this before. It just hasn’t changed, perhaps I need to be more forceful and not give up on things like that. Keep talking until it works

You say you pay the mortgage, did she own a house prior to your marriage? Did you buy together? She can't just kick you out of your own property. Seems odd she pushed to get married so quickly.

longcoffeebreak The answer I got on Christmas Day was ‘it’s impossible for her to put a timescale on it’ - not great I know

Whatsnewpussyhat Yes, yes, and I agree. It wasn’t a kicking out as such. It was a request for space and I tried to do the right thing and respect that, in hindsight I wished I had stayed, but I was just in total shock

Oh, OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like she is treating you kindly though, would you benefit from taking a step back and considering her behaviours too? It really sounds unusual that she did something like this on such rush and out of the blue. Usually there's something brewing up before. So either we're not getting a full picture or the issue is with her. Is it the case you thinks he's so lovely because you have known her as a person for a while, but only now you're learning what she is like as a partner?

sorry OP - it's horrible. Let your family that you've crashed with let you get cozy. At least if you're all prepared for it to be a while, you might sleep better xxx

*you think she's so lovely, sorry lots of spelling errors there

“But that's still really childish of her, you don't just tell your DH to move out because of these things, you talk them through and get your priorities right together. She doesn't sound like a nice person from what you're describing, OP.”

This. How quickly did you decide to marry after you became romantically involved? Maybe the whole thing was too hasty and that is what she’s realised. But the way she’s handling it seems immature and unreasonable.

PurplePansy05 Not at all, I love her as a partner, she’s my soul mate.
As for the full picture, I think I’ve been as honest as I can. She did try to say ‘but you do know about some of tongs that are bothering me’ but I had to say no I didn’t, and if I did, a little annoyance (for sake of arguments leaving a short on the floor - I’ve made that up) Isn’t in the same ball park as ‘this problem may result in our marriage ending, I tried to say if something is bothering you t hat much, it needs pointing out explicitly so it can be addressed. I guess that’s where our communication has failed :(

You need to be forceful here op even though its difficult. Trust me im pretty submissive in ny relationship, dp is the dominant one and any time hes wanted to throw in the towel and leave me or have "space" i have had to be very firm and tell him he needs to talk about it and i am not leaving the flat until he acts like an adult and say i wont beg to stay but he needs to tell me to my face its over and he doesn't want to try and make us work. Im not saying this approach will work for you and your wife but you need to be more forceful now. She cant keep you away from your home indefinitely. Its your home and you have a right to be there regardless of her feelings.

Dery We’ve been friends for many years and we gradually fell in love. We only got together 18 months ago, and after about 6 months decided to get married - which we did 3 months ago

Shaniac Thank you. A friend has said that to me. he actually said ‘go home, tell her you love her and you want the marriage to work, and that you will do everything you can to make that happen. However, you need to be in your home. You will even give her space in your home. If she can’t cope with that then she can feel free to leave.
Of course, that’s a bit harsh sounding, but he has a point.

PurplePansy05 My typos have been awful, trying to type too fast!

Are you sure there isn't anyone else OP? Just seems like there has to be more to this.

mrwalkensir Thank you, but I don’t intend to be here after Thursday. I think the advice from you lovely folk has convinced me I’m doing the right thing

Your friendship should have been a sound basis for your romantic relationship. But it sounds to me as if she got too used to life as a single woman, is struggling with the realities of married life and is regretting having married again. It’s probably not a reflection on you. She may just have got too used to the freedom of not being married.

Marmozet I’m not sure you can ever be 100% sure, but I’m as confident as I can be

Was it your house prior to marriage? Did she move in?

Your friend is totally correct.

Dery That Avery sensible comment. I must admit I haven’t really thought about that. The confusing thing to me is we were together for over a year as a couple before we married. If I’ve ‘changed’ as she is saying then that suggests it’s all been in the 3 months since we married

I think you should go home and tell her you're going to fight for her. But I do think you should respect her need for space and leave it at that. Stay at friends and family for as long as you can as I think she needs to have this time to miss you.

FWIW, you sound like a good guy and I appreciate you admit you're not entirely faultless and perhaps you got comfy/bit lazy, but haven't we all. None of what you've described is big enough for your wife to act the way ahe did and I think you need to be careful not to take too much blame upon yourself here. For a start, she is bad at communication and making unreasonable requests - leave your house without agreeing when to return, in the pandemic? And on what basis, some minor issues? I would say these are red flags about her if I'm completely honest.

PS You obviously love and care about her, I'm not saying for you to throw in the towel and it doesn't sound like that's what you'd like to do at all anyway. I am just saying as an outsider that there seems to be some imbalance here that doesn't sit right with me, and as much as it's often the case that I'd support the woman, on this occasion I don't. I think you deserve better treatment. Are you in your 40s, I'm guessing from the background story? I am baffled about her lack of maturity.

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Was it your house prior to marriage? Did she move in?

OP please answer this question.