Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

My concern is that she has done this to you once, so even if you patch things up, you won't feel secure in future. I suggest you ask her outright if she has met somebody else - even if she hasn't acted upon it. You need the full picture.

“My concern is that she has done this to you once, so even if you patch things up, you won't feel secure in future.”

This, too. Her explanation is going to have to be extremely compelling for you to be able to move beyond this. But I don’t think she wants to. I think she’s regretting having got married.

Great post @5pForAPlasticBag

I WFH and DP being at home all the time also drove me nuts this year but the idea of throwing him out to sleep in a car on Xmas Day just because of that, or a bit of untidiness, is truly beyond the pale. You just don't do that to people you love.

gannett That what I’m struggling to comprehend, I just don’t get it. I can’t think of many things my wife could have done that would have made me want her out.... especially in those circumstances

DianaT1969 Yeah I know I need to ask her.... even if I get the answer I don’t want

Dery I guess you are probably right .... I’m clinging into the hope she will decide she’d rather work on ‘us’ and try and rekindle what we had

I've been thinking about the fact you say you got married 3 months ago so about the end of Sept?

Surely most of us had experienced all the lockdown fatigue and tripping over each other thing by then so I'm not convinced it is necessarily to do with that.

I'm leaning now more towards a mental health issue. Which might be why she's struggling to explain to you.

Perhaps she's spent time distracting herself organising the wedding, getting married, finding a job, starting a job. And now she's crashed with no new distraction? Plus the winter time can be extra difficult for those suffering from depression.

You said one of the daughters was texting you. Have they expressed their opinion on the matter? (Teenagers usually like to do that!!)

AppleJane That a good point. She has had a mental breakdown before, not too long before I met her (romantically). Yes, we got married in September.
The daughter has been saying she didn’t want me to, she misses me etc.... but she also thinks her mum needs this time to sort herself out, her feelings etc.

@Struggling73 - it’s really awful that you’re going through this. I hope my conclusions are wrong and that this is something that can be got beyond. PP are right, though, you do need to go back even if you move into the spare room for a while. It’s not right that you should be shoved out in the cold when she’s the one wanting to split.

The only thing you know right now is that she's not giving you answers. We've been assuming that is because she's hiding something but if she's having a mental health crisis she might literally not know herself what's going on to be able to put it into words.

Who do you know that was around during her first breakdown? Are you close to her parents?

When is she due to go back to work after the Christmas period?

So was her mental breakdown just 18 months ago?

@5pForAPlasticBag

OP,

I would be so wary of anyone who purports to care about you and would have you leave your home on Christmas night to sleep in your car.

Disgraceful behaviour.
Beyond selfish and IMO abusive.

I think you are being played.

I tjink you need to pack your bags promptly and return home.

Tell her if she needs space, she needsto find it in the house or move out herself.

Prepare yourself that the relationship is over and tell her that you will not be treated like garbage that can be shuffled out the door.

She may no longer want to be with you, or have met someone else.

Whatever.

You need to not accept her bullshit and her giving you the run a round.

I think the new job may indeed have given her sight of different options.

As the marriage is so short, selling up and dividing asssets should be straightforward enough.

Personally I would never trust a person who would force you to sleep in your car.

I wouldn't let a dog sleep outside at the moment.

I think you need to find your anger and self respect.

Wishing you the best.

As you can see OP most of us don't see making someone sleep in their car at Christmas as acceptable! But it's also not 'rational'. I have no experience of a person having a full blown breakdown but it could fit with that too.

@DianaT1969

My concern is that she has done this to you once, so even if you patch things up, you won't feel secure in future.

Spot on.

This kind of behaviour has you living on edge and walking on eggshells in fear of the next time.

You'll end up (if you reconcile) biting your tongue and in fear of the next time she doesn't know what she wants....for me it would erode the fundamental trust that should exist in a healthy marriage.

You don't have to answer this, but has there been a change in the intimacy between you? Or the affection in the way she relates to you/looks at you or talks to you?

There hasn't even been an apology for her behaviour.

There's a book called No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. You might find it interesting.

AppleJane Yeah it was only just before we became a couple. Unfortunately I’m not close enough to any of her family apart from the girls so I can’t really talk to them

@5pForAPlasticBag Again, I’m finding your responses inspirational...every time I read one I’m more convinced you’re right. Thank you

I was freezing cold just emptying the recycling, so the thought of my husband sleeping in the car in these temperatures is unimaginable.

@DianaT1969 Thank you. I’ll check out that book for sure.
Re intimacy, yes, but only over the last few weeks where things haven’t quite been what they were.
You’re right about the trust thing too. If it sorts itself out, will it happen again? All things on my mind

SandyY2K In the plus side, I’ve discovers motorway service station showers are actually ok :)

Yes unless there has been shouting and raised voices, i think letting you sleep in your car is a bit harsh.

I agree with others, she needs to figure out quickly if its over or if you are sleeping in your car because she needs space.

WE ALL NEED SPACE

me and two teens in a tiny house

@Struggling73

SandyY2K In the plus side, I’ve discovers motorway service station showers are actually ok :)

God you are very positive.

Not being an armchair psychologist here or maybe i am but you sound like i used to be. So well trained in your childhood to have no needs that you find it hard to identify a need a feel that you have the right to have that need never mind get it met.

Go home. Sometimes I need space, I go and sit in the spare room with ear plugs in for an hour. I do not ask dh to leave the house.

You can be too nice in this life.

SnowyOwlWan I guess ultimately I’m just trying to do the right thing. Rightly or wrongly she is my wife and I love her. If I can help her I will.
Having said that, I can’t put myself through what I have in the last few days anymore. My mental health is suffering.
I’m really not positive at all, but after reading all of this amazing advice my kinder is definitely changing to centre more on me and my own needs.

Kinder?! That should have said ‘mind set’

Fluffycloudland77 Thank you :)