Well well he’s not such a monk after all?

[MadameMonk]

NC for this.

Yep, it’s one of those ‘wife snooped and now sitting in shock’ threads.

The backstory might be a bit different to normal, though. Married 13 years, one DD (9). Him 54, me 49.

It’s been a sexless marriage since we conceived our child, his choice. I tried everything. He knew I had a high libido when we met, that I was an adventurous and fun lover, that it was a big part of my identity and idea of a fulfilling relationship. Loads of counselling later, all he’s said is that he’s more religious now (Catholic) and he doesn’t think it’s ‘right’ to have sex. That, and I’m an atheist (raised Catholic), and that puts him off.

My observations over the years were that he was likely asexual (or very in denial gay?). He didn’t react like other guys I know to sexual stuff on tv, attractive people passing by, etc. No morning erections, found discussion of masturbation distasteful, etc. He basically says he wants to live like a monk

It’s been a devastating sadness for me to be without that normal partner intimacy, not able to model a normal relationship to our girl (no touching at all now for a while). My self-esteem has suffered, but even though it was very tempting to stray I stuck by my vows. It’s been very hard to watch my juiciest, sexiest years slip away. My parents divorced (over infidelity) and I swore I wouldn’t put my girl through it, ever.

Seperate to this, he’s become very conservative in religious and political views over the past 3 years. From quite liberal left, to full-on Trump fan. Pontificates ‘the Woes of immoral modern life’ so much to friends and family on social occasions that they’ve started knocking back invitations if they gauge he’s going to be there. Even the pope isn’t Catholic enough for him- the mass should all be in Latin, etc. Plus some very anti-feminist views that really make me , seemingly coming from some dodgy Men’s Rights youtube rabbit-hole forums (which he denies).

Today I’m packing up the family for a months holiday (not in a lockdown area). Out of my mind busy with 300 lists, and tired from hosting his enormous family over Xmas. I go to put something in his work bag, and a handwritten document catches my eye. I’m not in the least embarrassed to say that I pulled it out for a closer look. It’s a draft ‘confession’, like making notes ahead of going to a church confessional with a priest. It’s listed under the main categories of sin, so def not meant for my eyes or ears.

Apparently he’s got plenty to be sorry for. Including sex with 3 women during our marriage. Except then there’s an addendum, with an asterisk and all, that says ‘+1’. Basically a running tally? Nice. Then another side note that says ‘because of rejection by my wife’. So let’s add ‘lying to a priest’. It also says (as an excuse?) that the women weren’t married. That’s alright then.

Another whole section asking pardon for stealing money from me, his dad (now dead) and his work colleagues. Delightful.

I’m in shock, my whole body is numb. The hypocrisy, and sheer waste of my love and fidelity, is what’s doing circuits in my mind. And needing to hold it together as my DD chatters away next to me about her holiday excitement (after a tough 8 months of hard lockdown in 2020).

I know I need to pretend I don’t know. I’d gone to a solicitor a couple of months ago to see my situation if I divorced him. It wasn’t urgent- I have another property (farm) that he lives in half the week, since the day he told our daughter she wasn’t dressed modestly enough (shorts & tee, at 10? ). Solicitors painted a grim picture for me. Basically he’ll be taking me to the cleaners. Inherited wealth on my side, a bit complicated to explain.

I’ve been such an idiot. Should have ring-fenced my money better, should have demanded more transparency over his finances, should have not been a SAHM for the years I was, should have seen it coming, should have recognised his bullshit hypocrisy, should have taken my fun where I could find it instead of being his ‘soft place to land’ while he was out being a pig.

So, I guess I need a bit of that famous MN support, if there’s some going spare? Some tips, some tricks, something to stop me feeling so ugly and unlovable and stupid. Something to keep my chin up while I figure out where to get some ducks, and line them up? Right now all I can think is: pack the damn bags woman, before your feelings break through and you start howling into a pillow.

@QueenoftheAir

It’s soooo hard not to call him on his hypocrisy. I just keep thinking ‘if only they knew’.

When you are ready to do so, then I hope you will tell friends and family without one skerrick of shame. Too often, wives in this situation feel shame, even when it's the husbands who have broken serious religious vows.

I look forward to hearing about you getting your properties into a trust for your DC, and then divorcing the bastard.

I agree.

Stay strong OP.

To pricks like your husband who love to eulogise to people, their EGO is very precious.

That confession will be very very wounding to him.

You have absolutely no shame or embarrassment to shoulder.

This is all him.

He is scum.

He will be ridiculed which is exactly what he deserves.

Keep your powder dry.

Get organised.

Get rid...

Prepare to dine out on the story of the hypocrisy of your Exh for years.😁👍

@MadameMonk

The out-and-out blackmail some of you are suggesting is strangely comforting. Exposing this level of hypocrisy to all and sundry would be a future option. Except for what it’d do to my DD. Better to assess whether I could successfully bluff it?

There are cards I can play- even though he’s handed me a trick deck. Just gotta get the timing right, and know exactly what I’m looking for... before I yell ‘Snap!!’ and slap down what I know.

Unfortunately the solicitor I saw suggested not much to do with the relationship itself counts for anything- just the $$$, and custody. That’s ‘no fault’ divorce for you. You don’t get more assets because they stole or cheated. The courts look at the contributions of each, the length of time married, & best interests of the kid. I’d be lucky to get 60/40 when all the assets were bought by me in my name. And my earning potential is far less than his (pitiful) contribution. Anyway, it’s complicated, as I say. Don’t try and guess, and I can’t be more specific cos my post is already pretty outing!

But with the letter you now have proof of adultery. Surely that will make a difference with the divorce?

Firstly you need a financial adviser to set up trusts etc and offshore money far away from him. You need to treat yourself to expensive items you can later re sell (Hermes bags hold their value well) and to keep these items away from him, and the house. Essentially you need to have nothing left to split - it's perfectly possible and men do it all the time. Mortgage the farm and use the money for something he cant trace or find.

In the process you can 'discover' his fiscal dishonestly and take actions to log it so it is considered part of his divorce settlement. Obviously at that point you are 'shocked' and have proof so you start the conversation about divorce with the clear understanding that your silence depends entirely on him taking a 'fair' settlement.

I think you need to do more digging yourself and get more proof of all of it. At that point you also negotiate his access - EOW perhaps. At most. He has a lot to lose and you will be in a position to make him lose it - and you will also have few visible assets to split.

You have dropped the ball completely so it's time to put on your big girl pants and do what you have to to protect your assets snd your daughter. It might take six or so months but then you'll be free. Talk to some experts in financial planning/wealth management and get an accountant to see where the missing money went and what went. And for goodness sake check out that storage locker and log missing items/report to the police! You have one child at school so you have the time - time to put a stop to this.

There is no need to run with nothing, your life isn't in danger. But.. when you do pull the pin be sure to stand right back and always have witnesses. This is actually a very dangerous type of person - I think I saw someone upthread mention family annihilators? I agree. So get out and safe BEFORE he knows you know anything. Then when he gets tricky at a later stage you can produce the letter and extra proof. Let him start thinking you know nothing and have stormed out. Then let him think you only know about the missing money, then the stuff, and bit by bit you add a new 'revelation'. Complete with proof to back it up.

The letter tells you where to look, on its own it's not much use. Get the evidence and you can have him out of your life forever.

Bide your time, bide your time.

Get everything set up and then you can scream to the world what a hypocrite he is.

Just bide your time

Wow! @SueDeNimm - stunning & brilliant post - it should be a permanent post at the top of this forum!

@rainbowstardrops

Bide your time, bide your time.

Get everything set up and then you can scream to the world what a hypocrite he is.

Just bide your time

Exactly. And let him think you know nothing.. and then let him think you discovered each thing bit by bit. I would t admit to the letter until the very last minute. It would be all 'I think we need to talk, I'm concerned about some missing money' and next 'I'm concerned someone's been stealing from my storage' etc etc. Once that starts you'll need to get out quite quickly though, once he knows he's caught he will turn nasty. I'd use this window to have his finances checked out thoroughly though. Using whatever means you need to.

If it was me and based on your info about his character, I’d divorce him and let him take me to court over custody. He’s not going to appear “normal” in front of a judge is he

@soopedup, your average cheating, abusive misogynist tends to get everything he asks for by way of visitation in the family courts because of the idea that any father, no matter how inadequate and regardless of his motivation for seeking contact, is better than none in a child's life, and the concurrent idea that any father who seeks contact is actually some sort of a living saint..

There may be a possibility of limiting contact based on views of female modesty that diverge from what is considered normal, but proving that the best interests of the child are not served by contact is going to be a problem given the extraordinary advantage accorded to men in contact disputes.

a judge could consider favourable or equallly on the grounds of the DH though if he argues that the OP wouldn't bring his daughter up in the faith

@thelake, as I understand the OP, the H's religious views have 'developed' significantly since they married, in effect moving the goalposts. The OP has always been an atheist, and presumably the H decided her influence over their children was something he could live with when deciding to have children. There is also the niggling question of the H's adultery and general hypocrisy and what that means in terms of his understanding of the faith.

If it were me (and I don’t know the legalities of this of course) I’d be looking to quietly “sell off” assets to trusted friends or family of that were an option before showing your hand.

usedandabusedx1000
There is a legal term for that (can't remember it off the top of my head) and you can't do it as obviously as that. Sadly.

saffire, no fault divorce means that divorce is all about disposition of marital assets and settling of marital debt. The behaviour of the parties in the marriage is irrelevant.

I agree absolutely with @SueDeNimm.

OP, there was a lady on here once who started taking charge of the shopping and getting the biggest amount of cashback she possibly could, and did all the household purchases on Quidco etc to earn some money. After two years of trying to ignore her horrible husband she had saved about £5k to give her the confidence to start the proceedings.

I think in your shoes I wouldn't necessarily want to divorce if I was scared this would mean your child having to live between two houses 200 miles away. I think I would try and engineer the most separate lives possible, potentially with the influence of the letter, until she is in secondary school and can tell him if and the courts where she would like to live.

And before you start feeling all sorry for him think about it this way. Given the chance he would see you poor and without your child. He would destroy you and her in a heartbeat. Ask yourself why he needed to get back so much? Could it be to clean out yet another bank account?

If you're being overly passive you could be clinically depressed (I certainly bloody would be if I were you) so seeing the gp and getting some meds could help you enormously. He's actively preying on you and you are letting him. You don't strike me as the type - and for your daughters sake you need to re discover your courage.

These people feel no guilt. You are immoral, and therefore he has the right to take what's yours. For gods work. It's pretty psychopathic to have that level of entitlement even over your own church. To just consider you have the right to take whatever you want. He will absolutely take everything you have if you don't step up.

How are you doing OP?

I’d also seperate and not divorce immediately
Start to squirrel your money away
Make plans
In your bed I’d end the relationship and line your ducks up
And try and get a copy of letter and his theft
You can and will move forward

Please listen to SueDeNimm. You mention you dont have much earning potential. See this- the prep SdN advises, as your job now. Every penny of your own money you save from him is your salary. And good luck.

How are you OP? I'm in a slightly similar situation but just a bit further down the line. Found out a while ago that my emotionally abusive H has been leading a double life for many years - bad enough to lose him his job, reputation and possibly some family and friends if it came out.

He definitely has strong narcissistic traits and I've been extremely careful not to reveal how much I know about his secret life. A PP mentioned family annihilators - this is one of my main worries keeping me from moving too fast. I know I sound paranoid, but he ticks all the boxes.

So over the past few weeks I have 'accidentally' found out about relatively minor indiscretions (perhaps 1%) and have initiated divorce proceedings based on those and past emotional abuse. It's been extremely difficult to get the balance right, but so far it's worked. I am sure that, If I hadn't revealed what I knew about the '1%', he would have just gaslighted me, denied any wrongdoing and lied about me in order to preserve his own image. But because he is terrified of me revealing the '1%' to others, he has been on his best behaviour and has agreed not to contest the divorce.

OP you have my full sympathy... it's so so hard not to go in all guns blazing. You haven't posted for a few days... If you have 'cracked' since NYE and the situation has imploded, please don't blame yourself. You're only human. He on the other hand... But it would be great to hear from you and know you and your DD are ok.

Also, if you have not done so already, please make sure you delete your history after using MN; also switch off Google activity tracking if you are logged into a Chrome browser.

As you said, knowledge is power. I strongly suspect that his letter is only the tip of the iceberg. Is there any way you can find out more online? If you can find his posting history on some of his extremist/alt right forums, there may be evidence of his mental state that would count against him in a custody dispute..? God knows what you could unearth about him if you first start digging. If you found evidence of unlawful activities, in addition to his stealing, would you be prepared to report him if it meant him going to prison? Sorry I'm rambling now! Good luck OP.

How are you OP?