Well well he’s not such a monk after all?

[MadameMonk]

NC for this.

Yep, it’s one of those ‘wife snooped and now sitting in shock’ threads.

The backstory might be a bit different to normal, though. Married 13 years, one DD (9). Him 54, me 49.

It’s been a sexless marriage since we conceived our child, his choice. I tried everything. He knew I had a high libido when we met, that I was an adventurous and fun lover, that it was a big part of my identity and idea of a fulfilling relationship. Loads of counselling later, all he’s said is that he’s more religious now (Catholic) and he doesn’t think it’s ‘right’ to have sex. That, and I’m an atheist (raised Catholic), and that puts him off.

My observations over the years were that he was likely asexual (or very in denial gay?). He didn’t react like other guys I know to sexual stuff on tv, attractive people passing by, etc. No morning erections, found discussion of masturbation distasteful, etc. He basically says he wants to live like a monk

It’s been a devastating sadness for me to be without that normal partner intimacy, not able to model a normal relationship to our girl (no touching at all now for a while). My self-esteem has suffered, but even though it was very tempting to stray I stuck by my vows. It’s been very hard to watch my juiciest, sexiest years slip away. My parents divorced (over infidelity) and I swore I wouldn’t put my girl through it, ever.

Seperate to this, he’s become very conservative in religious and political views over the past 3 years. From quite liberal left, to full-on Trump fan. Pontificates ‘the Woes of immoral modern life’ so much to friends and family on social occasions that they’ve started knocking back invitations if they gauge he’s going to be there. Even the pope isn’t Catholic enough for him- the mass should all be in Latin, etc. Plus some very anti-feminist views that really make me , seemingly coming from some dodgy Men’s Rights youtube rabbit-hole forums (which he denies).

Today I’m packing up the family for a months holiday (not in a lockdown area). Out of my mind busy with 300 lists, and tired from hosting his enormous family over Xmas. I go to put something in his work bag, and a handwritten document catches my eye. I’m not in the least embarrassed to say that I pulled it out for a closer look. It’s a draft ‘confession’, like making notes ahead of going to a church confessional with a priest. It’s listed under the main categories of sin, so def not meant for my eyes or ears.

Apparently he’s got plenty to be sorry for. Including sex with 3 women during our marriage. Except then there’s an addendum, with an asterisk and all, that says ‘+1’. Basically a running tally? Nice. Then another side note that says ‘because of rejection by my wife’. So let’s add ‘lying to a priest’. It also says (as an excuse?) that the women weren’t married. That’s alright then.

Another whole section asking pardon for stealing money from me, his dad (now dead) and his work colleagues. Delightful.

I’m in shock, my whole body is numb. The hypocrisy, and sheer waste of my love and fidelity, is what’s doing circuits in my mind. And needing to hold it together as my DD chatters away next to me about her holiday excitement (after a tough 8 months of hard lockdown in 2020).

I know I need to pretend I don’t know. I’d gone to a solicitor a couple of months ago to see my situation if I divorced him. It wasn’t urgent- I have another property (farm) that he lives in half the week, since the day he told our daughter she wasn’t dressed modestly enough (shorts & tee, at 10? ). Solicitors painted a grim picture for me. Basically he’ll be taking me to the cleaners. Inherited wealth on my side, a bit complicated to explain.

I’ve been such an idiot. Should have ring-fenced my money better, should have demanded more transparency over his finances, should have not been a SAHM for the years I was, should have seen it coming, should have recognised his bullshit hypocrisy, should have taken my fun where I could find it instead of being his ‘soft place to land’ while he was out being a pig.

So, I guess I need a bit of that famous MN support, if there’s some going spare? Some tips, some tricks, something to stop me feeling so ugly and unlovable and stupid. Something to keep my chin up while I figure out where to get some ducks, and line them up? Right now all I can think is: pack the damn bags woman, before your feelings break through and you start howling into a pillow.

OP you can get through this. To the PP she has already said she is not in the UK I think?

I would get some good legal advice about protecting yourself, and how to walk away with as much as possible (even if that means doing that then waiting a year for the divorce, etc).

Good luck, you will have an amazing life soon, with great sex!

Very strange/stupid/unbelievable of him to write that stuff down and leave it in his work bag at home

Another appointment with a solicitor showing the evidence of stealing and infidelity may have a different take on the advice they will give you. Change your will straightaway. Gather all your information. Slowly slowly catchee monkey.

There are worse things to be than less wealthy than you currently are, OP. One of those things is stuck in a dead marriage with a liar. Yeah, he might get half of the matrimonial assets - if you own two properties neither of you will be homeless. You need to get out, for your sake and your daughter's.

Echoing others, find another solicitor. For one the situation's changed and now you've got a LOT more leverage.

Hang in there. The more you can find out before laying your cards on the table, the stronger your position will be.

So basically, you're married to a complete stranger. What an absolute bastard he is!

I would be tempted to keep that handwritten note and watch him sweat. He wouldn't be able to mention it but he would know/suspect you have it. Then drop a few hints - no need to blackmail. Particularly about theft, along the lines.... "If someone you trusted stole from you, how would you deal with it?" I imagine getting him to move out to the farm will be relatively easy.

Agree it sounds as if the op is somewhere with long school holidays over Christmas period - their summer. Which also means helpful suggestions about divorce and legal issues may be totally off the mark in her country!

OP, best keep your powder dry, say nothing to DH as yet, and use the time you have to phone a lawyer again with what you know now. It may not change the legal position but you may still feel it is worth it to you to get out of the relationship even if it means taking a financial hit - especially given his warped views of what children should be wearing.

OP, I too trusted my late husband when i was in the fog that comes with having babies. He stole my identity and established significant debts in joint names. Please get advice from a solicitor that has experience dealing with narcissists. Also, use that confession document as leverage, they don’t like it when other people whose opinion matters to them may find out what monsters they are. Their image comes first.

Can you transfer any of your assets into your daughters name, or create a trust making your daughter the only beneficiary, to protect your assets from your husband if you divorce?

I also think op is in the USA from her posts but I don’t believe she has stated where she is yet.

I will add the usual too- pls get tested for STD’s op.

Thanks all, it’s really very comforting, and useful perspectives. My ‘to research’ list is getting quite long. Bag packing for beach holiday is 75% done.

I’m not in the UK, or anywhere nearby. I thought I gave enough pointers to that, without being too much more outing. Sorry to be rubbing ‘beach holiday’ in anyone’s faces, but during your summer we were pretty envious of your freedoms too .

But yeah, different inheritance, ring-fencing & divorce laws very likely here. Sorry if that wasn’t clearer. Even the UK tips are useful though, trust me. Knowledge is power.

Small ‘real live’ update: DD and I were just ‘shushed’ because ‘D’H is listening to a Very Important Religious Podcast, sprawled on the only sofa. F*cking hypocrite.

If I get through tonight without jamming the rest of the Christmas ham up him, it’ll be a miracle. Slowly catchee monkey is absolutely the right advice, but it takes superhuman effort for sure. In a parallel universe, there’s a version of me screaming and sobbing snotty tears, and a middle-aged man with 2kg of pork where the sun don’t shine. But that’s a universe where I don’t have a sweet 10yo 4feet away.

I wouldn't be able to resist the odd Tell it to a priest comment if I were you.

Once you divorce him, never look back.

I’m not familiar with divorce law outside of the UK but if you have proof of adultery then why would you have a no-fault divorce? Do some countries only have no-fault systems?

So much for obscuring my DD’s age... I’ve lost track. I give up, she’s 9. So shoot me.

On the upside, I’ll likely have a name-change fail next, and accidentally prove all the troll-hunters wrong once and for all!

I don't think he would in reality want to have your little girl for a huge amount of time though OP - he sounds like performative Catholicism and playing at a religious man is more important to him than anything else. He sounds like an absolute cunt. I hate him for you

So sorry this has happened to you - what a terrible shock - or actually is it? Yes it takes things to the extreme, but he's already shown himself to be a nightmare husband. When things have settled you will see that he has set you free - also your daughter - to live the life that fulfils you. Unfortunate about the wealth side of it - but you will come out the other side and realise that it was a price worth paying to get rid of him. Let him practise his bigotry and weirdness on someone else.

From the few details that you've given, I think I recognise the fringe Catholic group with which your not-so-DH may be affiliated. In theory, it is all about opposition to ecclesiastical reforms and preserving Latin as the language of the Mass. In practice, it has become a bastion for those who espouse a deeply reactionary worldview, with entrenched misogyny and an alt-right worldview all part of the mix. Fathers decreeing that their young daughters wear 'modest' clothing is just the tip of the iceberg. The young people, especially the young women, who emerge from this upbringing often have a very distorted sense of self and are extremely vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships.

If I'm right, just run, run, run.

Where we live, there just aren’t such things as ‘grounds for divorce’. Just the irretrievable breakdown of a marriage, evidenced by a years’ formal separation.

I thought we might have (partially) already satisfied the criteria for separation, but solicitor says not. Will be looking into this further, now, of course.

Have you got real life support?

You do seem to be writing some odd things though. Guess it’s just your way of processing . Why on earth would he write that stuff down though

I'd be considering reporting to police as he has stolen from you and other family members. Wonder what other laws he's broken. Agree with pp, get yourself a GOOD lawyer, someone with an axe to grind. I can understand the shock and anger but what he has just given you is leverage. Use it wisely to get your freedom with as few losses as possible.

Fathers decreeing that their young daughters wear 'modest' clothing is just the tip of the iceberg. The young people, especially the young women, who emerge from this upbringing often have a very distorted sense of self and are extremely vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships.

Being exposed to this is far, far more damaging to your nine year old daughter in the long run than her parents divorcing and coparenting civilly IMO.

Be very careful to only use the evidence as leverage, at no point say anything that could be construed as blackmail. Blackmail in itself is a serious crime that you can go to prison for. Get good legal advice as to what to do with that information.

Tbh I’m glad for your DD you’re leaving this asshole! Telling her she wasn’t dressed modestly enough at 10 yrs old! Imagine what the poor girls teenage years would be like with this man around?

To get all your feelings out, maybe write him a letter, not to give to him, dispose of it when you’ve finished. But I find there’s something very therapeutic in getting all your feelings out in this way.

I can’t give you any further advice as I’m not knowledgable enough in these situations. But know you can absolutely have a wonderful and fulfilling life without this man holding you back.

@RelivingHell

What an unusual story. You don't have any option but to divorce.

What an unusual post, if you think the OP is lying just report it

This is so out of my experince that I can't make any help suggestions but I hope you can find a solution for you and your child. You pb vioulsy aren't in England so even giving legal suggestions isn't necessarily going to be of any help