Well well he’s not such a monk after all?

[MadameMonk]

NC for this.

Yep, it’s one of those ‘wife snooped and now sitting in shock’ threads.

The backstory might be a bit different to normal, though. Married 13 years, one DD (9). Him 54, me 49.

It’s been a sexless marriage since we conceived our child, his choice. I tried everything. He knew I had a high libido when we met, that I was an adventurous and fun lover, that it was a big part of my identity and idea of a fulfilling relationship. Loads of counselling later, all he’s said is that he’s more religious now (Catholic) and he doesn’t think it’s ‘right’ to have sex. That, and I’m an atheist (raised Catholic), and that puts him off.

My observations over the years were that he was likely asexual (or very in denial gay?). He didn’t react like other guys I know to sexual stuff on tv, attractive people passing by, etc. No morning erections, found discussion of masturbation distasteful, etc. He basically says he wants to live like a monk

It’s been a devastating sadness for me to be without that normal partner intimacy, not able to model a normal relationship to our girl (no touching at all now for a while). My self-esteem has suffered, but even though it was very tempting to stray I stuck by my vows. It’s been very hard to watch my juiciest, sexiest years slip away. My parents divorced (over infidelity) and I swore I wouldn’t put my girl through it, ever.

Seperate to this, he’s become very conservative in religious and political views over the past 3 years. From quite liberal left, to full-on Trump fan. Pontificates ‘the Woes of immoral modern life’ so much to friends and family on social occasions that they’ve started knocking back invitations if they gauge he’s going to be there. Even the pope isn’t Catholic enough for him- the mass should all be in Latin, etc. Plus some very anti-feminist views that really make me , seemingly coming from some dodgy Men’s Rights youtube rabbit-hole forums (which he denies).

Today I’m packing up the family for a months holiday (not in a lockdown area). Out of my mind busy with 300 lists, and tired from hosting his enormous family over Xmas. I go to put something in his work bag, and a handwritten document catches my eye. I’m not in the least embarrassed to say that I pulled it out for a closer look. It’s a draft ‘confession’, like making notes ahead of going to a church confessional with a priest. It’s listed under the main categories of sin, so def not meant for my eyes or ears.

Apparently he’s got plenty to be sorry for. Including sex with 3 women during our marriage. Except then there’s an addendum, with an asterisk and all, that says ‘+1’. Basically a running tally? Nice. Then another side note that says ‘because of rejection by my wife’. So let’s add ‘lying to a priest’. It also says (as an excuse?) that the women weren’t married. That’s alright then.

Another whole section asking pardon for stealing money from me, his dad (now dead) and his work colleagues. Delightful.

I’m in shock, my whole body is numb. The hypocrisy, and sheer waste of my love and fidelity, is what’s doing circuits in my mind. And needing to hold it together as my DD chatters away next to me about her holiday excitement (after a tough 8 months of hard lockdown in 2020).

I know I need to pretend I don’t know. I’d gone to a solicitor a couple of months ago to see my situation if I divorced him. It wasn’t urgent- I have another property (farm) that he lives in half the week, since the day he told our daughter she wasn’t dressed modestly enough (shorts & tee, at 10? ). Solicitors painted a grim picture for me. Basically he’ll be taking me to the cleaners. Inherited wealth on my side, a bit complicated to explain.

I’ve been such an idiot. Should have ring-fenced my money better, should have demanded more transparency over his finances, should have not been a SAHM for the years I was, should have seen it coming, should have recognised his bullshit hypocrisy, should have taken my fun where I could find it instead of being his ‘soft place to land’ while he was out being a pig.

So, I guess I need a bit of that famous MN support, if there’s some going spare? Some tips, some tricks, something to stop me feeling so ugly and unlovable and stupid. Something to keep my chin up while I figure out where to get some ducks, and line them up? Right now all I can think is: pack the damn bags woman, before your feelings break through and you start howling into a pillow.

I'd start looking into getting an RC annulment. Him not wanting children, or not wanting more might be grounds, "Simulation of consent; that is, the conscious and positive exclusion at consent by either or both of the contracting parties of one or all of the essential properties or "goods" of marriage: a) exclusivity of the marital relationship; b) the permanence of the marital bond; c) openness to offspring as the natural fruit of marriage"

An annulment (assuming you were married in church) makes the marriage not exist in the eyes of the RC church. This means that (RC church not legal) what you brought to the marriage is yours.

As a Catholic he should not seek a divorce but he can live separately from you.

Obviously there is a legal side, and there are many more qualified people than me to give you advice.

Is it absolutely certain that the note relates to him? Could it be a sketch for a (bad) novel, or notes about someone else?

If your marriage is in the state it is then I'd still be seeking another legal opinion about finances. Putting some of the assets in trust is a good idea.

NoDon'tDoIt what the hell? What do you agree with??

@sashh, the RC church will only start annulment proceedings after a civil divorce has been finalised. While the parties to an annulment are advised that anything they divulge to the Tribunal must be kept private, the danger of taking information used in the annulment process and attempting to use it in the divorce proceedings remains, and has to be guarded against.

Plus, the Marriage Tribunal concerns itself with the circumstances that prevailed at the time of the decision to marry and the time of the marriage. The Tribunal assesses whether the marriage was built on a valid foundation, not what happened ten years after the engagement. An annulment is not a divorce or an alternative to a civil divorce..

Further to the PI suggestion and the theft of money - what did he spend that money on?

@FortunesFave reported thread, will soon see

It's familiar ;)

Well I’m sorry the ‘tone’ of my life is suspicious to some upthread.

Happy to wait for the MN message that confirms my long, normal, posting history. Do I get an apology at that point?

Why on earth someone would make up this set of posts is beyond me. I can tell you that even in real life, there’s not much payoff in this situation for me. Anyone who’d get their jollies at the mere mention of women 50+ daring to have or want a normal sex life probably have better online options, dontcha think?

If he's so staunch Catholic I doubt he will want to divorce so offer true him to live separate lives as long as he signs a financial agreement that you have the assets you entered the marriage with and 50% of any acquired during your marriage excluding inheritance which you keep whoever it was

@MadameMonk

Can I assure you that you have plenty of years ahead for fun. Had the best year of my life since meeting my dp despite a global pandemic!

You do know he is just a low key abuser right? All that not wanting sex talk was to make you feel unloved. It is common for people with npd for example, to withhold sex like monks, for this purpose. Solely to not give you what you desire and the feeling of being loved it would bring.

Then the sudden change of political and ideological values....narcissists have no real sense if self. They claim to commit fully to things and then change them on a whim. Often they claim to believe the opposite of you, just to be antagonistic or make you feel small.

He is vile. Cheating is just icing on the cake. You would be doing your daughter a favour to teach her that women should not live with nasty, cold assed monsters.

The ‘rejection by my wife’ comment is him trying to control the narrative so he can justify his infidelity. He probably even believes it himself after all this time.

It sounds like you are comfortably off, even 60% of what you’ve hinted at would make for a happy life for you and dd, although the not divorcing option could be a plan as long as he then doesn’t use any future relationships against you as infidelity.

Plenty of time to prepare your ducks so hoping you are able to relax and get some perspective on your holiday.

So many mn ladies are so strong, armed with your information no way would I be able to keep it to myself.

I haven’t doubted the authenticity of your posts @MadameMonk.

Troll hunting is likely to get posters banned.

@MadameMonk is there any way you can bide your time to enable you to “hide” some of your assets?

^^ to all that.

To the posters asking about the money- I imagine he ploughed it into his various ‘businesses’, that are actually glorified, vanity, money-pit hobbies.

But I was stupid enough to give him some access to one of my accounts, and not press him enough to share any cash he made into the family account. He’s probably sold stuff of mine from a storage locker we have too. I had a couple of years where I really ‘dropped the ball’ with tracking my finances, as I recovered from traumatic birth. He likely took advantage then. Hard to say- I’m at that point where I don’t trust any memories or anything he’s done, retrospectively.

My head’s in a spin, and nausea is setting in. I’m trying to bury myself in the packing, but I’m sure we’ll end up opening our bags to find 30 tees but no pants, or some such!

I don’t think I have the money to spend on a PI, but it’s an interesting thought. Maybe the ‘forensic accountant’ type, rather than the stakeout type? I’ll give it some thought.

^^ YY to all that billybagpuss says.

I agree you need to bide your time too and make sure you can lock your assets away from this man.

Can you perhaps put as much of your money away in your daughter's name? A kind of early inheritance. Stop him getting his weird, grubby paws on it.

Yes, the forensic accountant type, but I think you would find out some interesting information if you were to hire someone with a high quality camera.

Unfortunately if he got access to an account of yours there may be some plausible denial of theft available for him to plead. However, theft from his father and colleagues may be another matter. But you need to take an inventory of your money and also contents of the locker.

I'm no help at all, but I just wanted to send a virtual hug

Don’t try to ‘blackmail’ him in any way. Just divorce and don’t look back. And don’t warn him.

Countless men decide that committing physical harm is better than divorce or public disgrace. And he already sounds nuts.

I’d get a second opinion @MadameMonk from a SH Lawyer re your assets. I’m presently using a lady that I’m sure has a pair of balls swinging under her desk! (PM me if you want her details)

It may be time, as others have said, to organise your finances, ringfence stuff for your DD in the form of trusts, and employ a PI. I would personally spend some time on this, before announcing what you’ve found in his bag.

Keep your powder dry and use the time wisely, because when you tell him, and it all goes tits up, it is much harder to sort.

Final thought...maybe you should suggest he joins the priesthood? 😉

Such a waste of your life, it’s very sad.
Can you put any of your stuff in your DD’s name so that he can’t touch it ?
Do you trust any of your family enough to symphony some money to them , to keep it for you ?

I had a fantastic divorce lawyer - my ex could have taken me to the cleaners but she managed to mitigate that significantly. Feel free to PM me if you'd like her contact details. And best of luck!