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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 22/12/2020 14:02

Sounds like you should get divorced tbh.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 22/12/2020 14:03

He took you keys, wtaf. Call his bluff as I'd go mental if someone did that to me.
Don't do the pick me dance

FestiveChristmasLights · 22/12/2020 14:04

I say divorce him and you’ll look back before long and be glad you did. He sounds awful.

nextdoorshush · 22/12/2020 14:05

sounds like he wants to get divorced and has just been pushing for you to do it /say it so he can be the innocent 1 and its your fault. . but ultimately he gets what he wants.

DianaT1969 · 22/12/2020 14:05

Take back your keys! What made you not take them back from his coat?

Badwill · 22/12/2020 14:05

You're not silly for making the comment, you're silly for wanting to stay married to this prick. Take your bloody keys back and take some control over your situation. He's an intolerable twat by the sound of it. Start emailing/calling your own lawyers. Make 2021 the year you leave this idiot and regain some confidence.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:07

@DianaT1969

Take back your keys! What made you not take them back from his coat?
Basically because I don’t want to rock the boat!
OP posts:
HighHeelBoots · 22/12/2020 14:08

Take the keys, get the divorce. Who wants to live with that crap

Newwayofthinking · 22/12/2020 14:08

He sounds horrible

I would crack on and divorce

00100001 · 22/12/2020 14:08

Take the keys back.

Let him divorce you.

You don't need a massive twat in your life. All this "you wanted it,so it's your own fault" bullshit is just bullying and controlling behaviour. He wants you to come crawling and begging.

Call his bluff.

HighHeelBoots · 22/12/2020 14:08

FFS rock the boat or you'll spend the rest of your life tip toeing around him

Lozzerbmc · 22/12/2020 14:08

It sounds like he has pushed you into an argument because he wants to end the marriage...

HollowTalk · 22/12/2020 14:09

I'd bite his hand off for that divorce. And I'd take my keys back, too. That's highly abusive.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:09

@nextdoorshush

sounds like he wants to get divorced and has just been pushing for you to do it /say it so he can be the innocent 1 and its your fault. . but ultimately he gets what he wants.
It’s funny you say this. Some of his comments are very much “goody and baddy” - as if it’s a game someone has to win....
OP posts:
Imiss2019 · 22/12/2020 14:10

Ok say that back to yourself. I don’t want to take my own keys back and leave the house as an adult because it will rock the boat.

You’re in a controlling and abusive relationship

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 22/12/2020 14:12

Don't wait until after Christmas, kick the manipulative bully out now.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:13

@Imiss2019

Ok say that back to yourself. I don’t want to take my own keys back and leave the house as an adult because it will rock the boat.

You’re in a controlling and abusive relationship

Oh, if it wasn’t Christmas I’d probably give it to him. I just don’t want to ruin Christmas. Plus I know if I mention it I’ll get told I’m paranoid and that he took them by mistake....
OP posts:
zzizz · 22/12/2020 14:13

I'd be saying "great, thanks" to everything he arranges which helps with your divorce, and getting on the case myself too. He likes that you're in pain, don't give him the satisfaction.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:13

But I’ve been looking for them and he’s not mentioned he has them....

OP posts:
TopTabby · 22/12/2020 14:14

I would honestly start looking into solicitors yourself. A divorce would be for the best, this isn't a good marriage as he's being a controlling, gas lighting twat. I'm sorry as it sounds like you want to make it work but you have a dd, do you want her to think this is a normal loving relationship?
Agree with him, say you'll get Christmas out the way & start divorce proceedings. Wouldn't surprise me if he started back peddling massively though.

Cakequeen1988 · 22/12/2020 14:14

This is abusive behaviour and coercive control.

He cannot and should not stop you leaving your house. Call his bluff. Call the police and tell them you are being held against your will in your home as he has taken your keys and you feel vulnerable there with your child.

He is manipulating you. Make him leave before Xmas or leave and take your child to a friend or relatives

Username642243 · 22/12/2020 14:15

Has he taken keys before? Bank cards? Car keys? Do you have access to all the finances?

Cam2020 · 22/12/2020 14:16

I think you should take him up on it - he sounds a complete wanker and he is most definitely enjoying wielding this power over you.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:18

@Username642243

Has he taken keys before? Bank cards? Car keys? Do you have access to all the finances?
No, not that I can recall. I don’t have access to all the finances, no. He keeps the majority in an online thing that requires a login to withdraw. I work though, so it’s never been a huge deal.
OP posts:
alecguinnessgenuineclass · 22/12/2020 14:18

Take your keys back and get a spare set cut in case he does this again. Let him crack on with divorce proceedings. Your DD deserves better than this relationship role model. She'll grow up thinking it's normal/acceptable - it's poisonous.