Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

[TierTired87]

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

His behaviour at the hospital is very much the type of situation I was alluding to earlier, where your perception of what's normal and loving will be so skewed that you see selfish, negative behaviour as a positive.

You think he was being kind by dropping everything to sit at the hospital not leaving; in reality the "everything" that he dropped was in fact your daughter, who very likely needed her parent to be with her and strong for her. Instead he made it all about him and his need and emotions.

If he truly cared about you to the extent he portrayed to his mates at the hospital he wouldn't be such a shit to you now. His "love" for you is entirely conditional and based around how you benefit him.

My DH regularly tells me how lucky he is to have me. ExH always told me how lucky I was to have him.

Exactly.

A decent partner would have given you the comfort of knowing your child was in sage hands and being looked after.

Not this showman.
Make it all about him and dump your daughter with a neighbour so he can make an exhibition of himself with his theatrics.

Again, I bet the hospital staff were having a right conversation about him.

Normal men do not indulge in such theatrics.

Are you afraid of him, OP?

“You think he was being kind by dropping everything to sit at the hospital not leaving; in reality the "everything" that he dropped was in fact your daughter, who very likely needed her parent to be with her and strong for her. Instead he made it all about him and his need and emotions.

If he truly cared about you to the extent he portrayed to his mates at the hospital he wouldn't be such a shit to you now. His "love" for you is entirely conditional and based around how you benefit him.”

This. Showboating public declarations of devotion while being a bastard at home: that is typical abuser behaviour. I don’t know if he’s significantly older than you (sorry if you’ve said and I’ve missed it) but I’m guessing there is also an age disparity here and he has been used to pushing you around and you looking up to him and doing things his way. It all sounds very unhealthy, OP.

And please, if nothing else, sort out the financials - stop paying money into an account that he controls and you can’t access. How would you feel if your daughter were doing that?

He should have been parenting his daughter. The fact that he came to hospital and sat outside shows it was all about him. He threw himself a pity party and showed all your friends how good a husband he is.

Narcissists are all about grand, public gestures. The fact he did this and your daughter had to be left in the care of a neighbour says it all.

This.

So many of us have pointed this out and I wonder if you can now see that what you considered to be proof of him being decent was actually him getting attention at the expense of his own daughter having a parent present so she could feel safe, secure and cared for.

Friends gave him a little chair to sit on to get attention while your daughter, his daughter, was in the care of a neighbour.

Can you see now that it wasn't proof of his dedication to you?

When you love someone you don't treat them like shit. They don't trap them in a home and lie about doing so. They don't assassinate their character saying they have no backbone then bollock them when they find one and stand up to them. They don't make the other persons illness about them and their public persona. They don't punish them after an argument with silent treatment.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you.

Staying with this man will make it more likely your daughter will replicate this relationship. She will think that men are entitled to bully and control women, and that women should be submissive and never prioritise their own feelings, wants and needs.

OP, I am genuinely shocked that when her mother was in hospital, your daughter had to be cared for by a neighbour and her own father didn't go to check on her once. That is terrible, I would never forgive my husband if he treated our precious girls' like that. If I was at my most ill and vulnerable, he would know the one thing he could do for me would be to protect and love our children. That is such terrible, lazy, neglectful parenting. Weren't you furious when you got better?

@HeadNorth

OP, I am genuinely shocked that when her mother was in hospital, your daughter had to be cared for by a neighbour and her own father didn't go to check on her once. That is terrible, I would never forgive my husband if he treated our precious girls' like that. If I was at my most ill and vulnerable, he would know the one thing he could do for me would be to protect and love our children. That is such terrible, lazy, neglectful parenting. Weren't you furious when you got better?

Completely agree. I was once critically ill, in hospital, and the only thing I wanted from my husband was my children to be cared for and protected from what was going on.

I didn't need to communicate this to my husband because any decent parent would know this.

We spoke on the phone while he looked after our children.

That's what a good man does.

The idea that my neighbours would be looking after my children while he prostrated himself in front of friends and the hospital staff would be hilarious if it wasn't so shocking.

What a disgrace.

Your poor daughter.

I hope you are waking up to your reality.

You both deserve better.

My DH was beside himself (apparently he cried an awful lot and even though he hid it the teens knew) when I was rushed to hospital and kept in a few weeks ago.

He however carried on running the house and looking after the DC!

@RandomMess

My DH was beside himself (apparently he cried an awful lot and even though he hid it the teens knew) when I was rushed to hospital and kept in a few weeks ago.

He however carried on running the house and looking after the DC!

Running the house and looking after the children is love. Sitting outside in a chair being supported by others is not.

Love is an action, love is a verb.

@HeadNorth exactly it's not great at being emotionally supportive due to his childhood but his actions show that he loves us very much.

I was wondering if the weeping and wailing outside the hospital was because op H didn't want to do the "wimmins" work of looking after DC and housework! What use was he to anyone sat there?? Needed to be centre of attention???

I'd also bet that he has another private account and that he siphons money off the joint account into it regularly.

The thing that stands out to me OP is that he is expecting you to manage his behaviour not him! He is an adult but expects you to change your behaviour because he's unreasonable. How dare he tell you that you need to apologise more quickly and that you don't just have to apologise you have to grovel to him all day to pander to his ego. Please give serious thought to leaving him.

[quote RandomMess]@HeadNorth exactly it's not great at being emotionally supportive due to his childhood but his actions show that he loves us very much.

I was wondering if the weeping and wailing outside the hospital was because op H didn't want to do the "wimmins" work of looking after DC and housework! What use was he to anyone sat there?? Needed to be centre of attention???[/quote]
That was my immediate thought too.

As other PP, when I was in hospital unwell during pregnancy DH stayed with my older DC (not his biological DC), and kept the household running and calm. One of my closest friends then decided to invite older DC for a sleepover and DH came to hospital to be with me. But till he was sure my DC were happy, safe and with friends who are pretty much our family he would not have come to sit around at the hospital. The worry for my DC would not have made his presence at all comforting.

he is a total muppet

He had a chair outside the hospital when you were ill so he could puff away on fags and get loads of sympathy from his mates. Your poor kid.

Don’t have any advice to give, but wanted to say he sounds like a gaslighting prick. I hope things work out well for you whatever you decide.

You need to speak to women's aid. This behaviour is manipulative and controlling and they will help you see and understand it.
It sounds like a big step but they will help you!
Would you want DD tk be treated like this?

Sounds like an abusive man ( who by the way will as you say be enjoying this but sadly will have no intention of divorcing you) you'd be best to initiate the proceedings yourself as he'll eventually change his mind like it's a favour and remind you you're forever indebted to him for forgiving you. With that the Porter shift and these situations will become more common and more easily triggered. Massive red flag time so listen to it!

This is really chilling. All the more so somehow, for your calmness and acceptance of so much of what he does, OP.

The thought of your DD growing up in this atmosphere bothers me greatly. She is learning that a relationship involves accepting control and abuse.

Also look up FOG - Fear, obligation and guilt.

That's probably where you are at the moment.

Bet you he's being "super husband" at the moment after this row, and that's probably why the OP hasn't been back. She's guilty for starting this thread and complaining about him, she feels silly now he's being all loving and feels she overacted.

This is why women stay so long in these situations sadly.

Op he isn’t a normal functional person, he is behaving like the star in one of his productions. You and dd are the bit players, you are meant to behave in the way he wants you to and adore him at all times no matter how much of a bellend he is being.

I’ve been in a very similar relationship and it wrecked my self confidence and mental health. Nothing was ever good enough and t was always my fault. He took no personal responsibility for anything. It took several of these type of fallouts for me to see the light and 3 attempts to actually end the relationship. You are about to enter the honeymoon period, expect his best behaviour and lots of sex. As soon as he’s happy that you are back in your box he’ll go back to being his usual angry self where nothing is good enough. And then the cycle starts again.

I’m far far happier on my own and I also have a dd who is didn’t want thinking that it was a normal way to live. Oh and the shouting? Mine was never physically abusive but the shouting and the staring triggered my adrenaline and fear response. I was frightened of him. Get out and get some counselling.

❤️

Have you an update @TierTired87?

Divorce is the only good option here.

What a colossal mess. Please heed all of the brilliant advice here OP. You are at a crossroads.

One path is more of the same, worsening over the years before you wake up at 60 and realise you have wasted your life with an abuser and taught your daughter to tolerate abuse or have a daughter who blames you for staying in such a toxic environment.

The other path is freedom, where you'll very likely look back in years to come and feel horrified at what you coped with. It's the more frightening path because it's not the devil you know but you will get your life back.

This tale is as old as time. The scripts and patterns are as old as time. You and your situation are not unique. You're not the first and you won't be the last. For God's sake please listen and act.