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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 22/12/2020 14:59

When I see stories like... the only thing I can think to say is, how would you react if it was your daughter in this scenario? And she was married to a man who treated her like this and took her house keys so she couldn't leave without him?

Remember you're setting an example to her and her relationship expectations will be largely built on the decisions you're making today.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 22/12/2020 15:00

Take your keys back. Or tell him that you are calling a locksmith in case you lost them outside of the house, see if they magically appear then. If they don't then carry on with the locksmith, and make sure you get a couple of sets cut and keep one safe.

If you pay money into a joint account, then stop that and put it into your own bank account and just pay your share of bills etc.

Tell him that you accept his decision, that you said something in the heat of the moment, but he is making it clear that he does actually want a divorce, so you will be consulting your own solicitor.

He is acting like a twat. I don't see any future in a marriage like this though, even if he does stop acting like a twat right now.

suggestionsplease1 · 22/12/2020 15:00

This is a manipulative power play and I would bet as soon as you call his bluff by making progress with a divorce he will sh*t a brick and back down..

But have you not had enough now?

It sounds like these childish bullying games might characterise his interactions with you. He's working to the premise that you have it in your head that a divorce is the worst thing that could happen.

It's really not. Take your power back and stop dancing to his tune.

Honeyroar · 22/12/2020 15:03

Christmas is already ruined. You’re arguing and sleeping in separate bedrooms and your child has commented. No point playing happy families, it sounds like you’re set up for an awful Christmas. Get emailing your own solicitor. And rock that boat. Rock it until it capsizes and then swim for the shore.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 22/12/2020 15:05

Either he wants to get divorced or he is a passive-aggressive bully. Ether way I'd let him go.

RB68 · 22/12/2020 15:06

He's already ruined Christmas. Get him out I say tell him to move into his parents/siblings etc. Get your keys back and I would stress he is manipulative and abusive

You need access to finances asap and stop being a walk over.

soopedup · 22/12/2020 15:06

You’re sleep walking through your life. Does your salary go into the account you have no access to?

Oreservoir · 22/12/2020 15:07

Tell him to crack on. He's doing you a favour in the long term.

soopedup · 22/12/2020 15:08

and forget all this “don’t want to ruin Christmas” nonsense. It’s already ruined because of Covid. Do you go to church every week? No. Then come on. Stop prevaricating and get some guts.

MadeForThis · 22/12/2020 15:08

Take the keys and go to a friends house

SandyY2K · 22/12/2020 15:08

He's manipulative and sneaky. His behaviour was designed to wear you down and he doesn't sound nice at all.

What he wants now, is for you to beg him, then he will gain all the power in your marriage and it's designed to put you in your place and obey him like a good dog.

Nothing you say indicates he has any respect for you. Stop engaging with him, beyond what you need to and let him get on with the divorce. I'd love to see if he actually files..rather than wanting you to quake in your boots.

You sound scared of him and it doesn't sound like a relationship of equals....would you like your DD to be married to a man like him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2020 15:10

Give yourself a lovely Christmas present and take him up on the offer. He's vile.

And take back your keys!

Bk21 · 22/12/2020 15:15

He's took your keys so you don't go out anywhere. He is controlling and manipulative. He has made this out to be your fault when he is the one who pushed you to saying what you did. If you let him get away with this next time he might decide to take your phone etc. You need to set your boundaries now. Tell him he shouldn't be speaking to you like this or taking your keys. If you don't act now it'll only get worse. He will think he can do what he wants and will still get you to stay with him and it's you that's apologising when it should be him. He should be making amends with you not the other way around. Please OP you deserve better than this. Put your foot down so he knows not to do this again.

Gobbeldegook · 22/12/2020 15:16

Take your keys back and go get yourself a second set cut. Careful not to let on too much to him, he sounds abusive and manipulative. Sort out your finances so he doesn't have access to your money and get yourself away from him at the earliest opportunity.
When he took your keys did he actually lock you in?

Topseyt · 22/12/2020 15:17

Take your keys back! What is stopping you? Don't just hang them up where he can get them either. My house and car keys live in my handbag, where DH and the DDs fear to tread without my express permission. You need to hide yours or keep them on you at all times.

Take him up on the divorce. Life will probably improve dramatically once the dust settles afterwards. Appoint your own solicitor. See how he reacts, but above all else stay strong.

Xerochrysum · 22/12/2020 15:17

He's doing what he is doing because he knows you won't leave him. I would cancel Christmas with him and go somewhere, with your dcs.

MadameButterface · 22/12/2020 15:20

Start playing him at his own game, be sneaky. Make plans to get your own solicitor but don’t let on. Take your keys back, don’t mention them again. If he asks ‘oh you found your keys then’ say yeah they were in my work handbag. Two can play the gaslighting game. Don’t beg him to reconsider, be pleasant but distant. Think of him as an annoying work colleague. Make plans for your life without him. Have something to look forward to (men like this are always wankers about something around the house, not letting you decorate how you want etc, or taking up more than their share of room with all their shite clutter, so start a pinterest board of how you’ll have things when he’s safely in the bin). Read The Art Of War by Sun Tzu, it’s free on kindle. Let him think you weak and compliant while you make plans to turf the fucker out. Merry Christmas Flowers

updownroundandround · 22/12/2020 15:21

@TierTired87

Or get the locks changed for "security reasons" as yours is lost, and dont give him a new key😇.

Absolutely, do this !!

You know full well that you've been bloody tip toeing around his petty mood swings and mind games for years............Now it's your turn

Once the new lock is in, tell him you left his new key on the kitchen table, and when he says he can't find it, play innocent and say ''Oh,......well that's where I put it for you...............are you sure you've not taken it and misplaced it ??''

Get your hands on any and all financial paperwork you can over Xmas and play the innocent until he returns to work after Xmas (or even just goes out if he works from home), then pack up all his crap and leave it outside for him to collect, reminding him that he should be ready for this because he's contacted a solicitor and he's kept banging on about a divorce all Xmas !

You deserve better, much better, and so does your DD.

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 15:22

Sounds like he's manipulating you into begging for his forgiveness. i'd call his buff and agree to see the lawyer. In fact I might call my own lawyer as he sounds a nighmare!

Teaga · 22/12/2020 15:23

He’s manipulating you.... sounds like a horrible man. I would divorce him and leave him to his nasty game playing.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 22/12/2020 15:24

I don’t understand why you’d rather be trapped in your house rather than call this man out for stealing your keys! It sounds like he’s revelling in the power and enjoying turning it all around on you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that?

HesterShaw1 · 22/12/2020 15:26

Goodness. Why would you not want to get divorced from him?

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you would have a nicer life without him in it.

SweetLoveOfCod · 22/12/2020 15:26

He sounds childish and controlling. He’s definitely enjoying the opportunity to throw his weight around and be the ‘injured party’.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/12/2020 15:27

This is some number in emotionally-manipulative BS he's done on you: you do know that don't you?

His behaviour when it comes to picking arguments is manipulative enough. The passive aggression afterwards, the reassertion of his dominance and power over you, is worse. It's designed to ensure you play ball and don't rock the boat in future for fear of provoking him. A husband who actively wants his partner to live in fear: ask yourself what this truly says about him. The fact that now your child is starting to notice and ask questions is the icing is a further problem: she will grow up to see this as 'normal'.

But it was when I got to this sentence, toward the end of your post, that I did a double-take:

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

That is coercive, controlling behaviour and it is a recognised form of abuse. It will take quite a lot of processing to recognise it as abuse, but abuse, it is, I'm afraid. Can you do some reading around this, OP? Does he have control over your finances? Who you see, where you go?

Did you really just post upthread that you were afraid to take back your own keys? Why? What exactly is it you fear?

He's taught you well as to the consequences of 'rocking the boat', and I'd be reflecting on that as well. TBH, if he insists that a divorce is the right way forward (I doubt this very much; it's in tune with his typical brand of emotional manipulation), I think he would be doing you a huge favour.

Flowers for you.

Thewiseoneincognito · 22/12/2020 15:29

Oh OP, what a mess and just before Christmas. You should divorce so you’ll both be better off without eachother. He seems deeply unhappy with you. You will feel a release once it’s all finalised and he can move on to happier times.