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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 22/12/2020 14:18

So you're willing to be his prisoner so you don't rock the boat?

You need to capsize that boat OP, or a lifetime of placating the controlling dick awaits.

Blueemeraldagain · 22/12/2020 14:18

I know it’s a huge Mumsnet cliche, but what would you think/do if your daughter rang you in 20 years time and said she was unable to leave the house because her partner had taken her keys?

Tell him to leave. It will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

The only thing I would advise is divorce him. Much better to be the initiator in these circumstances.

Username642243 · 22/12/2020 14:21

The advice on here is to always get as much financial information as possible.
The keys thing is such a red flag to me. Any history of violence /intimidation?

Justa47 · 22/12/2020 14:21

@TierTired87

It’s emotional abuse and it’s all a power play.
This is not a good place to be

If he continues these power plays you need to leave with your DD.

Sorry to say it will get worse.

InkieNecro · 22/12/2020 14:22

Get rid. He's doing it all for show because he's enjoying you begging and apologising. He likes seeing you distraught. Do NOT let him come crawling back, he enjoys being cruel and imprisoning you.

Would get Christmas out of the way but without his presence, you don't need him wrecking it. He will either mess with your head and being super nice and sweet but go back to being mean the next day, or he will ruin it.

You don't argue often, because you're afraid of the fallout?

lazylinguist · 22/12/2020 14:22

Christ, what an arsehole. Call his bluff. Go along with the divorce thing, partly to catch him out in his pathetic game, and partly because you probably should divorce him, as he sounds like an unpleasant twat.

Chloemol · 22/12/2020 14:23

Get all the papers you need in order, take back you keys, then look to leave
He is abusive. Why are you staying?

Craftycorvid · 22/12/2020 14:23

I’m concerned that he took your keys and that he has control over finances. I think you need to be emailing a few lawyers of your own, OP.

Whonew · 22/12/2020 14:24

Take your keys, rock that boat as currently not rocking it means putting up with a controlling mans bullshit.
Christmas is one day you can mentally choose to leave this shit behind ie your husbands mindgames.
Stop playing them have your Xmas with dd don't expect any help from this man and then let him follow through with his divorce threats. You may find that his need to win actually means that you get peace away from him and you ultimately win

PenguindreamsofDraco · 22/12/2020 14:25

Oh FFS. This is not normal, you have to know this isnt normal.
Read back what you've written. How have you got to the stage where you'd rather stay in the house indefinitely than "rock the boat".
Good Lord wake up.

Cameleongirl · 22/12/2020 14:29

Please take the keys and get a spare pair cut. Then open a new bank account in your name and have your salary paid into it. Do these things now, OP, as he may start moving money around and if you can’t get into the online account ( which sounds as if it has joint savings on it?), he’ll gain the upper hand even more.

Seriously, OP, he doesn’t sound like a nice person, can you imagine your DD being treated like this? Good luck.💐

dottiedodah · 22/12/2020 14:36

He sounds rude and abusive TBH. Maybe call his bluff?! He seems to want to have power and control over you! If he is this nasty then maybe he is not happy in the RL .Very mean just before Christmas though .

dontdisturbmenow · 22/12/2020 14:40

In regards to the divorce, well you did call it and that might have been a steo too far for him, even if you didn't really meant it, you still said it. Maybe he is playing games to scare you, maybe he means it.

The key thing though makes no sense. Why would he take them, why would you be checking in his dog walker jacket if he's never done this before and why oh why would you not ask in this instance for his keys to go and get doubles.

Does he or you work?

torquewench · 22/12/2020 14:42

Get your keys out of his pocket. Hes told you he hasnt taken them, so he can hardly say anything when you do and go out without him, can he? Or get the locks changed for "security reasons" as yours is lost, and dont give him a new key😇. Get your own lawyer instructed, pronto! Family lawyers are usually quite busy in the new year, so probably best to get the ball rolling now 😉

TabithaTowers · 22/12/2020 14:46

My DH used to do this.
I called his bluff, packed a bag, booked an appointment with a solicitor.
He backed down and never did it again.

Postmanbear · 22/12/2020 14:47

OP I suspect there are more examples of abuse now you have started realising this is not right. I would call women’s aid and get some advice. Hiding your keys and having control over all of the finances are very bad signs 💐

PrincessNutNutRoast · 22/12/2020 14:49

Basically because I don’t want to rock the boat!

It's not a boat, it's a snake cage and it's sinking fast anyway. You need to get off it.

Fbtw · 22/12/2020 14:50

Get your keys and copy them.

Start to make your exit plan.

I have to say, I wouldn’t come back from someone saying they want a divorce. I would then move forward with a divorce.

beavisandbutthead · 22/12/2020 14:50

stop apologising to this man...he is a horrible human and not a loving partner. I feel sorry for your DC being caught up in his nasty games. He is showing you who is in charge, contacting solicitors, taking your keys....he is a bully. Enjoy your Xmas and go and see a solicitor

barbrahunter · 22/12/2020 14:51

I'm another whose ExDH used to 'threaten' with divorce. I was not working, had no money and nowhere to go. So I bided my time, got myself trained and then divorced him. No one has the right to be cruel to you, OP. If you can't leave right now, start making plans. My life got a whole lot better once I divorced my ex.

LKJG · 22/12/2020 14:52

He sounds like an utter bellend to me.

frazzledasarock · 22/12/2020 14:55

Does this marriage make you happy?

Are you happy living like this?

Take your keys back. Don’t say anything to him. What’s he going to say, where are your house keys that I confiscated from you & hid?

Make sure your bank stuff and money are completely separate so you can leave if you need.

Start emailing solicitors yourself. Get yourself a very good solicitor and get rid of this horrible man from your life.

Starlight39 · 22/12/2020 14:58

Just take the keys back but hide them somewhere yourself. He can hardly ask you for them back, can he, as he doesn't know where they are?? Then copy them and put them back as a PP said.

In the longterm he sounds awful. If he's always the one starting arguments and goading you then why are you the one who has to apologise over and over? He sounds like a clever bully (well, he thinks he's clever anyway). Start working out plans for your life without him, including an appointment with a solicitor in the new year. If you can find out how much money he has then do that too.

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2020 14:59

If walking on eggshells and profusely apologising still means having to suffer then what is the point? The cycle will only stop when you stop accepting this bullshit and start extricating yourself from his abuse.

There isn’t a different him waiting around the corner.

Lemonpiano · 22/12/2020 14:59

I think you need this:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It sounds like you've lost your sense of how it's normal to be treated in a healthy relationship, which is really sad.