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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 22/12/2020 15:55

It’s a good thing you work - please tell me you have your own bank account and your salary is paid to you, not straight into a joint account that you can’t access online? You need to get that sorted asap if it goes directly to an account that only he can fully access. I’d say this regardless of the state of your marriage, and yours does not seem a safe place when your husband treats you (and by the way, your daughter - who will pick up on all this unpleasantness) so unkindly. This is not a nice man.

bottledants · 22/12/2020 15:56

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This is some number in emotionally-manipulative BS he's done on you: you do know that don't you?

His behaviour when it comes to picking arguments is manipulative enough. The passive aggression afterwards, the reassertion of his dominance and power over you, is worse. It's designed to ensure you play ball and don't rock the boat in future for fear of provoking him. A husband who actively wants his partner to live in fear: ask yourself what this truly says about him. The fact that now your child is starting to notice and ask questions is the icing is a further problem: she will grow up to see this as 'normal'.

But it was when I got to this sentence, toward the end of your post, that I did a double-take:

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

That is coercive, controlling behaviour and it is a recognised form of abuse. It will take quite a lot of processing to recognise it as abuse, but abuse, it is, I'm afraid. Can you do some reading around this, OP? Does he have control over your finances? Who you see, where you go?

Did you really just post upthread that you were afraid to take back your own keys? Why? What exactly is it you fear?

He's taught you well as to the consequences of 'rocking the boat', and I'd be reflecting on that as well. TBH, if he insists that a divorce is the right way forward (I doubt this very much; it's in tune with his typical brand of emotional manipulation), I think he would be doing you a huge favour.

Flowers for you.

All of this.
FangsForTheMemory · 22/12/2020 15:56

Sounds like he wants to call you into line so you never argue with him again. I would suggest he move out now let alone after Christmas.

mumwon · 22/12/2020 15:57

change the lock & don't give him new keys
when he says divorce after Christmas raise eyebrow & start packing his bag & put it into back garden shed

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 15:57

@Tigger001

The comment you made is not the problem, his reaction to that is massively a problem. He sounds awful.

Make preparations to leave

Thanks.

I shouldn’t have said it. But it’s like I’m being punished for saying it. I get he’s angry, but I literally walked in with a cup of tea and toast the next day and gave him a kiss and said sorry and I didn’t mean it.

He’s now said we’ll be nice on Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day, and then we’ll start making plans.

I said OK all fine - and now he’s back tracking saying we need to talk it through.

You ladies are like psychics.

OP posts:
Bronzino · 22/12/2020 15:59

Why are you taking the blame for this? He sounds ghastly and like he gets off on destabilising you. Let him divorce you, maybe he does actually want it. Move on. There’s bloody more than this for you.

Arrivederla · 22/12/2020 16:00

Do you really want to live like this op?

Oreservoir · 22/12/2020 16:00

How pathetic is a man who wants to make you beg to stay.
Keep up the breezy responses.
You're doing great.

UniversalAunt · 22/12/2020 16:00

He’s a tricky bastard, isn’t he?

Be careful about him emailing local solicitors - to what purpose I have to ask as he only needs one ? - as you may find that you have to ring round a bit to find a firm that he has not instructed. I assume that he is emailing as the offices may have already closed for Christmas break?

I suggest that you find & ring a local family law solicitor near to you very very soon to arrange an initial appointment to get advice & make a plan for your future. solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/. It will help you get through Christmas if you know that you will be speaking with someone as soon as possible.

Dullardmullard · 22/12/2020 16:01

What happens when there is a next time because there will be.

Coffee4Queen · 22/12/2020 16:02

@TierTired87 do you want to stay married to this man?

Bronzino · 22/12/2020 16:02

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This is some number in emotionally-manipulative BS he's done on you: you do know that don't you?

His behaviour when it comes to picking arguments is manipulative enough. The passive aggression afterwards, the reassertion of his dominance and power over you, is worse. It's designed to ensure you play ball and don't rock the boat in future for fear of provoking him. A husband who actively wants his partner to live in fear: ask yourself what this truly says about him. The fact that now your child is starting to notice and ask questions is the icing is a further problem: she will grow up to see this as 'normal'.

But it was when I got to this sentence, toward the end of your post, that I did a double-take:

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

That is coercive, controlling behaviour and it is a recognised form of abuse. It will take quite a lot of processing to recognise it as abuse, but abuse, it is, I'm afraid. Can you do some reading around this, OP? Does he have control over your finances? Who you see, where you go?

Did you really just post upthread that you were afraid to take back your own keys? Why? What exactly is it you fear?

He's taught you well as to the consequences of 'rocking the boat', and I'd be reflecting on that as well. TBH, if he insists that a divorce is the right way forward (I doubt this very much; it's in tune with his typical brand of emotional manipulation), I think he would be doing you a huge favour.

Flowers for you.

The wisdom of these words. Heed them!
Scaredykittycat · 22/12/2020 16:02

He sounds like a real piece of work.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 16:03

You "win" by getting yourself out of the toxic situation by the way. Thats what his type never realise.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/12/2020 16:05

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He absolutely is enjoying it, OP. Tormenting you is his hobby. OK you have some good times, but always on his terms and under his control. And if you stay with him, your daughter will grow up to believe this is normal and to accept a similar relationship in her own life when she grows up.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 22/12/2020 16:05

Take your keys and don't say anything. If he comments or questions you then say you found them somewhere else - if he says you're lying, well how does he know - did he know where they were all along?

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 16:05

@TierTired87 They are not psychics. It is just that this is a very very old script and many (including me) have had the fun of seeing it play out first hand.

Nymeriastark1 · 22/12/2020 16:06

"I said OK all fine - and now he’s back tracking saying we need to talk it through." So he's had his fun torturing you with it, and now he's worried because you said ok then.

He'll do it again. Your relationship doesn't sound great. Divorce isn't a word you should just throw around in an argument, but he shouldn't of played on it either.

CoffeeCreamandSugar · 22/12/2020 16:06

This isn’t okay. He doesn’t want a divorce he just wants to make you feel like crap. Why would he want a divorce? I bet you do everything for him!

rottiemum88 · 22/12/2020 16:06

@MrsGrindah

Sounds like you should get divorced tbh.
Yep
Folklore9074 · 22/12/2020 16:06

I'd get a divorce tbh.

Dery · 22/12/2020 16:07

“He’s now said we’ll be nice on Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day, and then we’ll start making plans.

I said OK all fine - and now he’s back tracking saying we need to talk it through.

You ladies are like psychics.”

It’s because you’ve taken some power back. When you were frantically trying to apologise and appease him, he felt he had all the power. You’ve reminded him that he doesn’t and you have agency in this too.

Ibid · 22/12/2020 16:07

Of course it’s not all the time - it never is. The being nice bit is how he gets you to stay through the parts where he’s a controlling, manipulative bully.

I know all of this leave the bastard’ stuff makes you want to defend him - it’s only natural.

But he’s actually horrible and it’s no way to live. He took your keys so you can’t go out? If a friend told you that, what would you think of her partner?

Please have a look at the Freedom programme. You can do it online. You really need to examine your choices at the moment to make the best decisions for you and your child(ren).

Flowers
billybagpuss · 22/12/2020 16:08

I said OK all fine - and now he’s back tracking saying we need to talk it through

Hmmm, sounds like he may back track when you don’t play his begging game.

If this is the case take time to get yourself up to speed on bank accounts and all financial things. Get access to the bank accounts, get spare keys cut. He may stop being a prat this time, but if doesn’t mean it won’t happen again and could you trust him going forward. This is good as it gives you time to get yourself into a stronger position.

DorisDaisyMay · 22/12/2020 16:10

What you husband is doing has a name - DARVO

Deny - Doesn't take responsiblity for something that they did that is out of order
Attack - Blames you for something
Reverse - It's what you want
Victim - Makes himself to be the victim in this
Offender - You become the bad guy in this

It is a 'technique' to shift the blame from himself to you, as a way of manipulating the situation, to allow him to do what he wants when he wants.

I am so sorry Flowers - you deserve to be treated with respect.