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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
TrialOfStyle · 22/12/2020 15:29

It's a power game. He wants you to grovel and beg to keep you dangling.

Call his bluff and kick his sorry arse out - and do it before Christmas. I know it sounds hard and not ideal, but he's going to whip up your anxiety and you're going to have a miserable time not knowing where you stand.

Spend some lovely time with your DD, do what you want to do and remember that YOU are in control of your life - don't let him dictate the terms. Flowers

FelicityPike · 22/12/2020 15:31

Well he’s a bastard, isn’t he?

isthismylifenow · 22/12/2020 15:31

As a pp said, now that things have been highlighted, do you think you are in a controlling relationship? We just go along thinking things are normal until one day we actually think wtf this isn't right.

justasking111 · 22/12/2020 15:32

You have had very good advice on here, listen to it @TierTired87

TrialOfStyle · 22/12/2020 15:32

If he refuses to leave, just agree and walk out of the room EVERY SINGLE TIME he mentions divorce.

(And get your keys back and keep them, and all your bank details, somewhere safe and secret).

AcornAutumn · 22/12/2020 15:33

@HighHeelBoots

Take the keys, get the divorce. Who wants to live with that crap
Adding my voice to those agreeing with this.
ZooKeeper19 · 22/12/2020 15:33

@TierTired87 oh OP. sorry you are going through this.

Please look at the link that @Lemonpiano provided. You are living in a situation you may not really be aware of.

This -> I don’t have access to all the finances, no. He keeps the majority in an online thing that requires a login to withdraw. I work though, so it’s never been a huge deal. this is a huge deal. You are without any means to access your money. He controls your life, your finances, what you should and can say, when you should go out (taking the keys was no accident).

Please stay smart about this and talk to people who will help you organise your life, and leave. Good luck.

diddl · 22/12/2020 15:34

So he "goes on" at you for an hhour, yet you're made out to be the bad guy & apologise-WTF??

Presumably you were looking for the keys & would have been wrong to take them from his pocket (according to him).

If he wasn't abusive it would be acceptable to say that you'd had a quick look through coat pockets & he'd left them in one of his.

Can he be locked out of his own huse?

Presumably you can't swipe his keys & deny all knowledge?

Well, he's horrible isn't he?

You'd be well rid.

If he's goading you & you know it-what would happen if you walked away?-would he let you?

Frazzled2207 · 22/12/2020 15:34

the keys thing might be a red herring. My husband has mistakenly taken mine in the past and forgotten that he had then ages later we found them in his coat or bag.

Take your keys back and email your own divorce lawyers. Horrible man.

Norwester · 22/12/2020 15:35

Congratulations, you're getting freedom for Christmas.

Find and hide passports for yourself and dc, find all financial info. Don't worry if you cannot find a password for the online account - just make sure that you have an account number and know the bank it's with. Get a hold of any house deeds, birth registration certificates, etc.

You can start finding a solicitor tomorrow.

And take back your damn keys. Better yet, get those locks replaced and keep his key, insisting that you gave it to him already, as a pp suggested.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 22/12/2020 15:36

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but if he denies having taken your keys , why should it "rock the boat" if you take them back? He can't have it both ways.

Sorka · 22/12/2020 15:37

Take back your keys and shove him off the boat.

Your life will be so much better without this arsehole in your life.

Can you kick him out or tell him if he feels that way he can leave now? He might do it...if only because he thinks that would be hurting instead of helping you.

noideawhatusernametochoose · 22/12/2020 15:40

As above - this is sounding like control. Can you speak to a solicitor asap?

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2020 15:42

Christmas is already ruined, tho, isn’t it? He’s trying to keep you in the house and denies you access to joint finances. Open a new account in your name only and direct any wages child credit there. As long as you not physically unsafe, do as you want and stop tip toeing round him. Do you understand that he doesn’t have the right to do this to you? As a pp says, imagine your daughter telling you this in 15-20 years. What would your advice be? I’d be doing fuck all for him from now with his constant ‘You want a divorce’ nonsense. Fine, let him pay for it and do all the work.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 22/12/2020 15:42

Serve him divorce papers on Xmas Day just like Dirty Den, and mean it @TierTired87
Hides your house keys and talks to you like shit? Stop apologising and stand up for yourself, your husband is a dick!

billybagpuss · 22/12/2020 15:43

Is the internet bank account a joint one? If so get in touch with the bank and sort out your own access then take screenshots of everything.

yeOldeTrout · 22/12/2020 15:48

I hope this is a wind up. Don't want to think someone actually believes it's ok to live like this.

Dullardmullard · 22/12/2020 15:49

I’d be going grey rock on him from now on

I’d be taking them keys though and sorting out a divorce ASAP

He sounds a right knob

Tt101 · 22/12/2020 15:49

Give him divorce for Christmas.

ursuslemonade · 22/12/2020 15:51

Op I'm sorry to be blunt but you must be crazy for not wanting to rock the boat and apologising over and over. He is a piece of shit. What were you thinking? Crack on with the divorce and good luck with your new mental terror-free life.

Allergictoironing · 22/12/2020 15:53

@Thewiseoneincognito

Oh OP, what a mess and just before Christmas. You should divorce so you’ll both be better off without eachother. He seems deeply unhappy with you. You will feel a release once it’s all finalised and he can move on to happier times.
Oh I doubt he's "deeply unhappy" with the OP, he's got her exactly where he wants her. Works, looks after the kid(s) & house (bet he does very little of the childcare, or housework either). Someone he can push around & bully, and has trained into a subservient role so they walk on eggshells around him and don't think about why he has control over every aspect of their life. He's getting off on the power trip, and I would guess he's pretty satisfied with the situation as he has everything he wants out of it.
TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 15:53

Oh my word!

I’ve just been doing some work and checked back here. Going through responses now. Thanks ladies.

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 22/12/2020 15:54

The comment you made is not the problem, his reaction to that is massively a problem. He sounds awful.

Make preparations to leave

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 15:55

@yeOldeTrout

I hope this is a wind up. Don't want to think someone actually believes it's ok to live like this.
But it’s not all the time. We laugh, we joke, we complete each other.

He just said to me “I’m never nice”. I’m like WTF! 😂 It is always very black and white with him, no middle ground. Always been that way!!

OP posts:
Henio · 22/12/2020 15:55

@nextdoorshush

sounds like he wants to get divorced and has just been pushing for you to do it /say it so he can be the innocent 1 and its your fault. . but ultimately he gets what he wants.
Exactly what I thought
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