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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
HighSpecWhistle · 22/12/2020 16:11

This is emotional abuse.

Sounds like you really should leave him. Any sane person would have moved on by now, it's obvious you weren't being serious. We all day things we don't mean. Sounds like he's enjoying seeing you sad, which is worrying.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 16:12

@billybagpuss

I said OK all fine - and now he’s back tracking saying we need to talk it through

Hmmm, sounds like he may back track when you don’t play his begging game.

If this is the case take time to get yourself up to speed on bank accounts and all financial things. Get access to the bank accounts, get spare keys cut. He may stop being a prat this time, but if doesn’t mean it won’t happen again and could you trust him going forward. This is good as it gives you time to get yourself into a stronger position.

The prat comes out every now and then, but not often. But way more often over lockdown.

He’s always worked from home though as he runs his own business, so even before I went back to work - it’s not that having us around is a weird tipping point for him.

Ironically (probably used wrong) I’ve almost signed off using his business for a big contract at work.

I mentioned earlier I was working - I was talking to alternative suppliers.

OP posts:
InkieNecro · 22/12/2020 16:12

We aren't psychic. We've experienced it ourselves and know how much happier we are without someone abusing us.

Sertchgi123 · 22/12/2020 16:13

@TierTired87

Please listen to the collective Mumsnet wisdom on here. The thread is full of insight into your situation.

I know it's really difficult for you to see what's been going on. This is your whole life, your home, your family and thinking about losing it all is very frightening.

However, what you're living with is domestic abuse. It's not only horrible for you, it's acknowledged that it's damaging for children to live with domestic abuse.

Try talking it through with someone from Women's Aid.

Flowers
TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 16:13

@InkieNecro

We aren't psychic. We've experienced it ourselves and know how much happier we are without someone abusing us.
This entire thread has really made me feel not so alone right now. Flowers
OP posts:
DriftGames · 22/12/2020 16:15

Calmly discuss divorce plans with him. Go as far as you can with it - he will either carry on until you actually divorce, or he will panic that you're serious and give his game up.

He sounds like a bit of a bellend though, especially hiding your keys (massive safety & security issues here - he either leaves the doors unlocked so you can't lock up after yourself and means you cannot lock yourselves in for safety, or he locks the doors behind himself meaning you couldn't get out in a fire). Take your keys back, please. Thanks

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/12/2020 16:16

He's an abusive bully and he's gaslighting you. I would hazard a guess that he does actually want to divorce but needs to make you to blame so he can be "oh poor me". You need to end this, it's poisonous Thanks

Vintagevixen · 22/12/2020 16:17

OP you are walking on eggshells in your own home.

I know, this was me a few years ago.

It's abuse. Please consider your future very carefully.

1forAll74 · 22/12/2020 16:19

It's hard to know what to say about this. Is your Husband usually so off hand like this, and is your marriage so fragile, that divorce is mentioned in any other arguments. Only you know your Husband, and the state of things in your marriage. He might just be playing silly buggers with you, because you annoyed him, even though you did no wrong really.

category12 · 22/12/2020 16:20

Go and get your keys.

You know that
Plus I know if I mention it I’ll get told I’m paranoid and that he took them by mistake....

So just take them back without saying anything and put them somewhere safe he won't find them/keep them on you.

What's he going to do when he finds they're no longer in his pocket? Go screaming round saying you've taken your own keys out his pocket that he has said he hasn't got them in?

Marleymoo42 · 22/12/2020 16:25

He's playing power games and he sounds pretty controlling.

Set it out for him 'either you want to divorce me or you want me to believe you're pursuing a divorce either to punish me or to play power games. I'm not going to abase myself by begging you to stay with me. If you want this marriage, it's your turn to grovel so start apologising or get back on the phone to your lawyer.'

I cant advise you on your marriage but I would have serious concerns about the type of person he is. He's controlling your finances, not letting you leave the house and is messing with your head. I would consider this abuse and would be worried that his behaviour might escalate and he'll make you feel like it's your fault.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 16:27

@category12

Go and get your keys.

You know that
Plus I know if I mention it I’ll get told I’m paranoid and that he took them by mistake....

So just take them back without saying anything and put them somewhere safe he won't find them/keep them on you.

What's he going to do when he finds they're no longer in his pocket? Go screaming round saying you've taken your own keys out his pocket that he has said he hasn't got them in?

That’s a really obvious point I actually hadn’t considered! Heads all over the place.
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2020 16:30

Why would you want to live like this? I don't care if you 'laugh and joke' at times. I have a feeling if you count the shitty times AND the times you walk on eggshells to avoid more shitty times there are going to be a hell of a lot more of those times than the laughy/jokey times.

You referred to 'us' being around him, I assume that means there are children involved in this?

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 16:30

@1forAll74

It's hard to know what to say about this. Is your Husband usually so off hand like this, and is your marriage so fragile, that divorce is mentioned in any other arguments. Only you know your Husband, and the state of things in your marriage. He might just be playing silly buggers with you, because you annoyed him, even though you did no wrong really.
No, we don’t bound around divorce often - or ever, I think.

But people say things they don’t mean in an argument. Like this one, anything I have said has been explored and drawn out in excruciating detail - without any acknowledgement on his part for the hour of berating I endured before I said it. It feels
like one rule for him, one rule for me.

OP posts:
HereIAmOnceAgain · 22/12/2020 16:32

@InkieNecro

We aren't psychic. We've experienced it ourselves and know how much happier we are without someone abusing us.
Bit late, I was going to post the same. H has gone on and on in arguments about how horrible our relationship is in the past. First time I genuinely said if things are that bad for him we should separate. He back tracked very quickly, maybe because he could see I wasn't continuing the argument I genuinely meant it. It's a tack tic to make you feel guilty and to blame.

The fact he took your keys and you won't just take them back is telling. H gaslights and blames me and I feel anxious at the idea of confronting him but I'd still quietly take back my keys and maybe hide them somewhere safe. I think the idea of getting more keys cut is a good one.

diddl · 22/12/2020 16:34

"But it’s not all the time."

But it shouldn't be any of the time!

People can snap, but blaming your OH, goading until they retaliate, playing games.

No one is worth having to put up with that shit.

queenofknives · 22/12/2020 16:35

He doesn't want to divorce you. He wants you to run around after him, begging his forgiveness for whatever he decides you've done wrong, feeling isolated and alone, and him to be in total control of you, your feelings, your relationship and everything else.

As pp have said, it's emotional abuse. Divorce sounds like a good idea - for you. He won't want it, so make sure you get your finances and plans all in order, get yourself a solicitor etc, before you break the news to him.

unlikelytobe · 22/12/2020 16:42

All sorts wrong here - his reaction, hiding keys, financial control, threats without discussion and the idea that he 'completes' you. No, you're a whole individual in your own right and a good partner will not intimidate you into not rocking the boat, prevent your freedom etc.

diddl · 22/12/2020 16:43

"The fact he took your keys and you won't just take them back is telling."

Absolutely-because if he hasn't got them, what can he say when the keys that he hasn't got disappear fromhis pocket?

You are walking on eggshells not to upset him-why?

He doesn't give a shit about upsetting you!

Techway · 22/12/2020 16:44

Op, do you think he will get better? Are you trying to find a solution or the words that will make him behave kindly towards you?

It is this thinking that keeps women (mostly) in toxic relationships.

How long have you been married? In my experience toxic men start off nice and gradually get worse, until you are walking on eggshells and everything you do is devalued.

If this is the first time you have heard of emotional abuse then it may take some time to get your head around it however what people are saying is true. It is based on our experience and many of us have been in your shoes.

Yellow78 · 22/12/2020 16:44

The taking the keys thing is so very messed up. Why would he not want you to leave the house without him?!

XmasBelle · 22/12/2020 16:45

@Lozzerbmc

It sounds like he has pushed you into an argument because he wants to end the marriage...
this
CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 16:46

Ironically (probably used wrong) I’ve almost signed off using his business for a big contract at work.

I mentioned earlier I was working - I was talking to alternative suppliers.

My first thought was “nice one” but I suppose you are slightly cutting off your nose to spite your face in that he will need money to pay maintenance for the children.

lotusbell · 22/12/2020 16:47

I split with my husband this way, except I was 8 months pregnant at the time. We were arguing and I said something along the lines of "well maybe we should just split up then" to which he replied "Maybe we should". I hadn't meant it but he did. Turns out he'd been unhappy for a while and hadn't had the guts to do anything so i helpfully handed it to him on a plate. I only got answers out of him years later by which point I'd got over it although it was horrendous at the time. That was 13 years ago and we thankfully get on ok now, I think it would've happened at some point anyway.
I've no advice really other than just keep your cool and try and get through Christmas for the kids. He does sound like he's playing a game but hold your own.

diddl · 22/12/2020 16:47

I'm not sure if he wants a divorce or just to keep Op in line & make sure that she keeps dancing attendance.

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