Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel awful saying this but...

242 replies

Ginkpin · 18/12/2020 01:56

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2020 01:59

You've outgrown him and you're miserable. You've got a good 40 years left, so now you have to decide how you want to spend them. Happy or miserable? I know what I'd choose.

VenusTiger · 18/12/2020 03:04

Is this what happens when couples retire, they split up? Or if reversed, would we be 'accusing' you of going through a midlife crisis?

Only thing I can suggest is that you open up to him and tell him your fears OP, otherwise you're doing the very thing you accuse him of: growing apart. He's stuck in a rut and maybe isn't enjoying the ride either? Talk.

TheCattleGrid · 18/12/2020 03:16

My only advice would be is that in my observations what you describe is what happens to men. An exciting and fulfilled life may be had by you pursuing your interests and friendships and expecting less of him. The chances of finding a middle aged man who isn't frankly boring, stuck in his ways and prefers to tell stories of his youth rather than engage in the world today would be slim. So although I very much sympathise, adjusting your expectations may be the answer.

Thankssomuch · 18/12/2020 03:38

I agree with *thecattlegrid’. My DH and I are on very different pages intellectually (if I’m at Glyndebourne he’s home playing Angry Birds) but as we got together later on in life I sort of knew what I was dealing with. I love reading but don’t expect to ever be able to discuss a book with him. Our relationship works on other levels though; and I get my ‘intellectual stimulation’ from my work and sometimes friends. Are you looking for a soul mate? Not everyone finds one, but why do we expect to? I think it’s a question of either accepting your DH as he is or calling time on the relationship. We aren’t here to live up to the expectations of others, ultimately. But we do have choices.

LocaNel · 18/12/2020 04:01

Are you married to my husband TheCattleGrid ?? Especially your second sentence about revelling in the glory days of yore. I never expected someone who'd travelled widely in Asia and Africa to become so parochial and bigotted, so devoted to the shoutiest talk radio...such a total gammonAngry

LocaNel · 18/12/2020 04:05

Blush doh third sentence..bleary-eyed

CiderJolly · 18/12/2020 04:25

He sounds like a good man to me. I don’t think you can get everything from one person.

shamalidacdak · 18/12/2020 04:34

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

Wiredforsound · 18/12/2020 04:38

My DP isn’t into books or ‘intellectual’ pursuits, but he uses social media to keep up to date with current affairs so he’s always well informed, manages some really interesting projects at work which he talks about, and we enjoy doing things like cooking together and walking. Are you sure you’re bored of him, or have you just lost the connection?

Wooddie · 18/12/2020 04:44

I could have written your post a decade ago. Like others I thought long and hard about what I wanted, why I got married in the first place and our shared life together. I decided to have those conversations with my DH and to reflect on what I did too. We are different but I changed my life so that I got the things I was missing from elsewhere, both of us did more that other wanted and we both made a conscious effort to find things that we could share. No one is right as you have become different and need to close that gap. It has worked . Grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

onyourway · 18/12/2020 05:02

I think you've lost respect as he doesn't have a curious mind? I hear you Thanks

WanderingMilly · 18/12/2020 05:11

Oh dear, this was my marriage years ago. I tried to talk to my DH about it but he wasn't having any of it....I wanted us to share more things together or discuss current affairs or something...anything. He became defensive and quite angry, buried himself in his work so much that it was his one and only (boring) conversation (and that's if he bothered to talk). His defence was that I'd changed.

We divorced, I'm much happier and get all my conversations from lots of friends/family/colleagues instead.

ItisRainingAgain · 18/12/2020 05:21

Yeah I know what you’re saying OP, my relationship with my now ex started young (16/19) and we ended up in our 30s as very different people with the only common ground shared children. I gritted my teeth and plodded on for too long but ended it about 6 years ago. I’m now in my late 40s and with a new partner.

Only you know if you want this to be your life for the next 40 years. But you are losing respect for him and interest in him. Do you have any common ground in your relationship or is it now just two people sharing the house?

And not all men are like him, that’s a very sweeping generalisation.

Notcrackersyet · 18/12/2020 05:33

That was my ex. He just vegged in front of the tv every night. No activities, very small social life, no plans for the future. I left. I’m happy!

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2020 05:34

Op. You’ve just grown apart. He is who he is, there is nothing wrong with who he is, and you are who you are. You’ve both grown up and are not compatible.

Try not to look down on him, your choices are not “better” they are just better for you,

It is time to end the relationship when you start to feel as you do.

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 18/12/2020 05:34

Second what others have said about a lot of men being this way.

And it is fine to get different things from different people in your life. Your life partner is unlikely to provide you with everything you need physically, intellectually, socially etc for your whole life.

If you still love him and want to be with him, focus on what you love and find friends to make up the rest. If you truly think you have gone in a direction where you cannot get back to loving him, divorce and move on.

But if you do divorce and move on, you may find it hard to find exactly what you’re looking for.

Mybobowler · 18/12/2020 05:51

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.
I can't work out if this comment is a joke or not. You don't really believe this, do you? Hmm
Goatinthegarden · 18/12/2020 05:53

I think it’s a bit sad that so many posters are writing men off as boring and uninteresting.

DH and I have both our own and shared interests. Indulging in our own pursuits gives us some time to ourselves and something to talk about when we come together. I work with plenty of men who share my academic interests and we have really engaging discussions on the topic - amazingly men over 40 are capable of being interesting.

OP talk to your husband and see if you can motivate him to find some interests. He might be stuck in a rut and need some help out of it. Try and find some shared interests (they might not be the same as the interests that you are currently cultivating).

If at the end of that, you find yourself still unhappy, then it’s time to consider what to do next.

Bamboo15 · 18/12/2020 05:54

I see your problem OP, but just as a different take from the posters here, it can be a good thing to have different hobbies nd friendship groups, I wouldn’t expect or want my DH to share every Bobbie with me. It also reads a bit as if you want him to join you in all your hobbies when they aren’t his thing.

If you want to spend more time together could you find some new hobbies to try together that you would both enjoy and never one before?

berrygirlie · 18/12/2020 06:02

If you find it divorce worthy, then it's divorce worthy. But I wouldn't jump out off the boat without at least discussing it with him.

I'd genuinely say if this is the one thing that's going wrong and otherwise he's a decent bloke, it makes more sense to try and fix this thing rather than start up with a new man who has an entirely new set of drawbacks (as we all do).

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 18/12/2020 06:16

@berrygirlie

If you find it divorce worthy, then it's divorce worthy. But I wouldn't jump out off the boat without at least discussing it with him.

I'd genuinely say if this is the one thing that's going wrong and otherwise he's a decent bloke, it makes more sense to try and fix this thing rather than start up with a new man who has an entirely new set of drawbacks (as we all do).

This.

I think what's also relevant here is whether you'd rather be on your own or whether you're assuming, perhaps subconsciously, that if you left him you'd find an interesting, intellectually stimulating new partner.

KatherineJaneway · 18/12/2020 06:20

I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him

That's how it comes across to me. His interests are now just different to yours but he has no objection to you pursuing hobbies, he just doesn't want to share them.

Personally I wouldn't want to ditch a partner of that length because they didn't like the same books or films as I do. I'd think long and hard about this as you may find the grass a great deal less greener.

RantyAnty · 18/12/2020 06:22

Maybe you could find out what interests he has or would like to do and see if you can connect on one of them.
He may not have thought about it that much as he has gotten stuck into a routine.

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 06:23

@CiderJolly

He sounds like a good man to me. I don’t think you can get everything from one person.
There is a lot of truth in this.

Also people change as they grow older and long term marriages go through ups and downs. There has to some compromise on both sides. It’s good to have a wide network but talk to your DH before you feel like you’re getting nothing for him.

I do think you feel better than him because you list all the things you do as positive and mostly negative about him. Once you start to see him or his efforts as inferior the rot sets in. Maybe you have actually outgrown each other.

speakout · 18/12/2020 06:24

I think growing apart is common, but there is no universal solution.
My Oh has morphed into someone who wants to listen to cricket or classical music and tinker around with hard drives all day.

However I am a bit older than you- didn't meet my OH until I was in my late 30s, and had done a great deal of wild and interesting things by that time.
20 years ( and two kids later) we have grown apart, but still have an amiable and functional relationship.
We work practically well to run the home, we support each other in work, we bothe have outside interests, we enjoy our shared financial situation allow us a much bigger home than either of us could afford together.
It works for us, and I can't see that changing.
But then we both had 20 years of sowing our wild oats as adults before we met, so all that wild sex with different partners/full moon parties on a Thai beach/ being carefree and single was truly out of my system before I settled down.
Which is perhaps why I am happy to dawdle in the slow lane!
You may be different.
I