Feel awful saying this but...

[Ginkpin]

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

Do you have kids? If so, be very careful of upsetting their stable home life because you are a bit bored.
I feel sorry for your husband, he sounds nice - works hard, supportive of your interests. I think you ought to try harder to find common ground. Peri menopause does sometimes make women think differently about things so don't rush to change things that you won't be able to undo later.

I worry that I am your DH. I have a niche but intellectually demanding job and especially since the birth of DS I am so tired I want to watch easy films in the evenings. I don't like music anymore, don't lime art, don't really want to travel as it's such an effort with young DC. I try but I think DP can see my eyes glaze over when he starts talking about current affairs. Like you OP, he is a man interested in everything.

I just hope he has the patience to wait for my brain cells to return. Either way I would at least want the opportunity to correct it if he thought it were a deal breaker. So talk to him - but diplomatically! Lack of shared interests as opposed to he is stupid..

I would feel sad, too. No one wants an old man who sits in his chair all day.

Does he enjoy puzzles or games? Can you gift him some little puzzle books for Xmas? When Covid is over, could you invite friends over to play cards or whatever? I find when I'm brain dead from work/stress, things like these help stimulate in an unpressurised way.

You can’t get it all from one person tbh. You’re allowed to build and cultivate your own intellectual interests.

I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him

Oh yes you do

He sounds like a basically decent bloke but just not very interesting.

He's a company director - surely that takes a lot of effort and enthusiasm and must be pretty worrying right now with a pandemic and brexit?

(I'm self employed and stressed about the future and really don't have much mental energy left after finishing work for anything else. If I had employees to worry about as well I have no idea how I'd be coping.)

If he's respectful and pulls his weight at home then I'd hesitate to jump ship - I'd look to pursue my own interests with friends and try to get him to do something together a couple of times a month.

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

What utter tosh! You've met them all have you?!

-how do you feel when you hear his key in the lock?
-do you still feel happy walking alongside him down the street?
-do you still respect him? (It doesn't sound like it.)
-do you laugh together?

I'm not sure it's about sharing the same hobbies or interests is it? I think that's pretty irrelevant tbh. It's more about whether you fundamentally like one another as people.

Don't underestimate how the menopause can throw you off kilter for a good while - speaking from experience!

I haven't read the whole thread, but I just want to say, no, not all men are like this. My husband certainly isn't. He's in his mid 60s and is as intellectually curious now as he's ever been (i.e., a great deal) with a great many different interests. My brother, my Dad and most of our friends are similar.

My Dh is 42, I'm much younger. I like watching new and different films, love museums and galleries and live music. He's not as interested but he goes with me and we make our own fun out of it. He likes his own hobbies and I go with him, we even golf together because he enjoys it.

If you can't accept that the two of you have different interests and spend your free time differently, you either need to consider ending the relationship or try to compromise and get yourself involved in what he does, and encourage him to be involved with your interests. He might not feel very welcome to go out with you if you go with friends so often, he might need a nudge to remind him that there's more interesting things to do than scroll through Facebook.

Good luck OP

Even if he did enjoy reading - it still doesn't mean you'd be able to discuss books with each other as he may prefer a totally different genre than you. My DH reads a lot about 20th century history, politics and economy. I can't stand it and prefer same topics up to 1900. I love fiction, he will read only Robert Harris and John le Carre. Personally, I don't see this as a dealbreaker - if I want to discuss a particular book I have other people in my life who share my interests or would join a book club. I don't think you can find everything in one person, nor would I consider that healthy.

@TheCattleGrid
My only advice would be is that in my observations what you describe is what happens to men.

Lol 😆

@shamalidacdak
Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex.

Lol 😅

@AnyFucker

I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him

Oh yes you do

Nothing wrong with owning this. Having to dumb yourself down to be on someone else's level is a fast-track to misery.

Sounds like it’s the social media that is the issue. If he was doing less of that you could at least watch TV together without him falling asleep.

Can you explain more what he is looking at? Is it friends’ lives on Facebook, Instagram on a specific theme, political chat? I’m actually surprised that there is “hours” worth of pure SM content to amuse a middle aged man- as opposed to him reading eg articles that someone has linked from social media, or chatting to friends on WhatsApp, or watching You Tube videos?

My husband reads quite a lot but it’s mostly fantasy and science fiction and neither of us want to discuss it, so I find him more boring when he is doing a lot of reading. We do enjoy joint TV watching- Netflix dramas, Masterchef, QI etc. He even got into Sewing Bee with me!
This may be controversial but if he falls asleep in front of the TV have you tried watching TV while you eat? If you eat round a table, how are your dinner table conversations?

This does not sound like fun!

I think as everyone has said, you need to segment out whether you basically enjoy life with him but miss that intellectual excitement, or whether this lack of interest in life of his has spilled into everything, so he doesn't enjoy cooking or eating out, having fun, chatting about stuff, having a laugh. Also, do you feel supported in your own life by him- in many ways he's presumably supported you to write, go out, create your own life and this isn't a trivial thing.

I don't think this would be for me at all, I like to chat on about Tv shows, films, work, everything and the thought of someone just sitting on the couch is not thrilling. I wouldn't mind if they didn't want to go out constantly, but if you can't even find a Netflix show to watch together, it does suggest you are just completely mismatched now, or at least don't have any other points of contact in your lives.

I can't tell from what you've said if this is one fly in an otherwise reasonably happy ointment, or whether his lack of interest in life is impacting everything else, fun, humour, sex life, holidays- if it's got to that stage, I think moving on is entirely reasonable.

These

I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him

That's how it comes across to me. His interests are now just different to yours

Personally I wouldn't want to ditch a partner of that length because they didn't like the same books or films as I do.

How important is the fact that you see cultural interests 'superior' to sport or is it really disappointment that you don't share interests.

and other comments like this miss the point and it's not as simple as not 'liking the same books or films'. The OP clearly says 'I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.'
The difference is her DH seems to be interested in only a very narrow range of things.

All long marriages need a shake up sometimes. I'd talk to him and say that you are concerned you're growing apart and that you are sad none of your interests are shared. Brainstorm some things that you would both genuinely enjoy doing together - something (anything) fitness related would be good - climbing hills or doing a long walk or training for a long cycle ride/triathlon etc. Or renovating the house. If you have a couple of things you enjoy together, then the other things you've listed that you love are really healthy - getting you out in the world and mixing with friends.

But also, look out for things you love connected to his interests. If you love exhibitions and museums, drag him off to a car or aircraft museum or an exhibition of mechanical toys - something a bit blokey that you can also see the appeal of.

I'm glad my husband doesn't think like this. He's really clever and I'm, well, not... However, I'm kind, funny, practical and have a ton of common sense which he is severely lacking. We compliment each other brilliantly and have been equal partners for 20 years. We manage to find lots of things to talk about that don't require MENSA membership. Pretty sure he doesn't feel miserable or that he has "dumbed down" to my uneducated level!

If you still love him and want to be with him, focus on what you love and find friends to make up the rest. If you truly think you have gone in a direction where you cannot get back to loving him, divorce and move on.

But if you do divorce and move on, you may find it hard to find exactly what you’re looking for.

This is sound advice. A lot of couples don't share interests and hobbies, but it doesn't mean that they aren't happy, they just don't rely on each other to provide everything they need in life.

DH and I have followed a similar path. We had similar tastes and interests when similar when we met 35 years ago. Since our D.C. grew up my world has expanded. I've been to uni, had a successful change of career, I've travelled and expanded my many hobbies particularly theatre (although not those two so much this year). During this time my DH's world has shrunk to work, tv and family.

I do find it sad sometimes that he doesn't share my passions. Seeing the world is great but it would be better if he came too. But he doesn't insist I stay at home with him and I don't insist he travels with me. It's called compromise.

I suppose the difference is that DH and I are content with the status quo. Even though the passion has faded, our mutual enjoyment of one another's company and respect for our differences continues. We love each other. If you've lost that as well as the shared interests then it might be time to call it a day.

I think what you describe is pretty common. A good friend of mine just recently told me she can’t remember what she and her husband used to talk about before they had their kids as (the only topic of) conversation. I found that really sad, but again, probably pretty common. Only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker, or if you want to try and fix things - or at least improve them. It’s been a shit year in some many ways - time for some time out and a holiday, either together or separately - to think about where you want your life to go, over the next phase of it..?

He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really

Did he enjoy those things earlier on in your relationship and has no stopped enjoying them?

Our tickets for live music have been cancelled & no date given for the future yet

We are still receiving refunds for things that we planned in march 2020

Lots of museums & other entertainment have been closed this year, due to the virus

What are both your plans for retirement ?
Perhaps that will help your discussion