Feel awful saying this but...

[Ginkpin]

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

How important is the fact that you see cultural interests 'superior' to sport or is it really disappointment that you don't share interests. I mean you could go to football matches with him.
My DH has many hobbies, not cultural but specialised and some aspects need a very able brain. However they are deadly boring to me.
I admit we don't have much to talk about, but when we do we don't always agree on things, politics, whats on the news. So endless conversation wouldn't necessarily be that enjoyable.
Good female friends could compensate for this. But it's not simple finding those with similar interests.

People change as they get older and my DH is not the same man I married and he has turned into Victor Meldrew. He moans about everything and I hate to say this but I feel happier when I am by myself. Don't leave it too late to start again if this is really what you want. It is too late for me to start again but it isn't for you.

Ignoring the whole hobbies thing, what else does he offer you and is that enough?

I’d talk to him and say you miss doing things together. Maybe just share one or two things every month so it doesn’t become a chore? Phrase it as spending time together.

But it's not that they're into different things is it, he's not into anything. Watching sports and social media is just lazy inertia. If he was actually into the sport, played it, coached it, attended games in person that would be different. I 100% disagree that all men are like this though. My two best male friends are emphatically not. They have numerous interests and hobbies (but both have young children so they tend to be home based, involving the kids like gardening). They are actively interested in politics, one is a governor of a local school. My partner is not my 'intellectual equal' I'll admit, but he does read and is interested and interesting. And since meeting me I have seen him actively reading stuff in my area. OP, as others have said, in the end, you are entitled to leave but I do think you need to warn him that this is how you're feeling and give him an opportunity to change (or not). So many women on here have been left in midlife having lost themselves in domestic duties while the man developed an interesting life outside the home. Don't be that guy.

OK say you leave and find an arty, intellectual romantic type, he'll likely be vain and skint or vain and only looking for 25 year olds. Good for a fling but not a happy life partner.
Are you embarrassed by him? It sounds like he's done well in difficult circumstances.
Are there things you do enjoy together?
Do you both like holidays?
Have a read of Alain de Botton's book about long term marriage, also his 'book of life' website.
I don't think what you're looking for comes from a man so I don't think you should rush into ending such a long relationship

@Schehezarade

How important is the fact that you see cultural interests 'superior' to sport or is it really disappointment that you don't share interests. I mean you could go to football matches with him. My DH has many hobbies, not cultural but specialised and some aspects need a very able brain. However they are deadly boring to me. I admit we don't have much to talk about, but when we do we don't always agree on things, politics, whats on the news. So endless conversation wouldn't necessarily be that enjoyable. Good female friends could compensate for this. But it's not simple finding those with similar interests.

This! So because you see your interests as 'cultural and interesting' you are superior and he is lacking? It does come across like that. So if a poster said, "my dh is very sporty and active and is always trying to make me take part in activities or chat about it, I don't want to and he says I'm really boring and now wants to divorce" would posters be saying how right he is? Also the poster who says her dh is a "bigoted gammon" more fool you for choosing to stay with him them, but how cool kid are you for using the gammon terminology..get down with your bad self.

I do think people grow apart as they got older, I've been married over 30 years and neither of us is the same person that we were when we met in our late 29s. I know my DH has changed then so have I, if we met today we probably would barely have enough to talk about over a cup of coffee .
We pursue our hobbies and interests separately, we have completely separate friends but I don't expect one person to be responsible for my happiness and we have so much shared history that I suppose we just compromise on many things .... but of a rambling answer ... not sure what the answer is.

I agree with the comments that he sounds like a good man.

You have friends who you can share your interests with. I wouldn't give up a life together because you don't like the same things.

I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him

Of course you do, your post is dripping in superiority.

Ooh, also, why not go in a writer's retreat by yourself? I would love to do something like that. Maybe you have a novel in you.

One of the main things that brought us together was love of books/theatre/culture and that hasn’t changed for either of us now we mid 40s. Now kids teens we enjoy watching stuff together like the crown / little fires everywhere etc. So it’s not inevitable

@BreatheAndFocus

Ignoring the whole hobbies thing, what else does he offer you and is that enough?

I’d talk to him and say you miss doing things together. Maybe just share one or two things every month so it doesn’t become a chore? Phrase it as spending time together.

Good advice.

Maybe suggest a film with a takeaway? Afternoon walk?

All other things aside, do you love the man. We all change as we get older, mentally physically.MY dh has only ever read one book in the 30 odd years we have been together, but he does really complicated crosswords, some without clues, word searches, etc.Sometimes I could kill him, but I love him and he makes me laugh

‘ art/reading/film/writing/music’ are not ‘worthy’: apart from your paid work, they’re just hobbies and interests, like any others.

Not sharing hobbies/interests can work fine IMO. If the issue is that your H is dull company, that’s a different issue.

I think so long as DH doesn't stop me doing the things I enjoy then he can watch as much sport as he likes - he procrastinate like nobody l have ever met which drives me insane. No spontaneity at all. But ultimately l really enjoy his company and am looking forward to growing old with him. Follow your gut OP but as PP have said no such thing as a perfect man xx

Do you have children? My son is very young and often he is about the only thing that DH and I talk about...great at the moment because it’s a joint project but I suppose we are at risk of that classic empty nest thing when he grows up and we have nothing left to talk about.

This is why I think my stars all the time I'm no longer married.

Men atrophy in middle age and stop trying if they are married. It's so depressing. TheCattleGrid is right that they just become incredibly dull and stop using their brains.

I don't really know what to suggest. It's that awful trade-off between someone who is nice, kind and reliable but dull as ditchwater and throwing yourself out there again. Not a win win. I guess the question is whether you can build an alternative life for yourself sustained by other people.

Does he find it hard to do with social media? It's being designed to become more and more addictive. I recommend watching the Social Dilemma on Netflix.

My ex was highly intellectual, enjoyed the arts, theatre, opera etc and we shared lots of interests. He was also selfish, stubborn and had a huge ego. I ditched him for a kind, caring man that read very little and didn’t care much for the arts. My DH is an incredible father and husband. Personality and morals are more important than hobbies IMO.

*hard to stop

OP what if he had hobbies that really didn't interest you? I am sure you wouldn't want to tag onto someone else's life just because they wanted you to join in. You should be happy that he doesn't mind (and nor should he btw) that you pursue your interests. There are plenty of women on here whose partners don't want them doing stuff apart from the relationship and that must be stifling, you don't have that.

If he is good in other ways and is essentially good and kind, shares house responsibilities and still has respect for you I think you need to let go of this internalised resentment. Although if he isn't really any of the above, then it's time to part ways I reckon.

It comes across that you're rather indignant and miffed that he isn't interested in the type of things you like doing and that he should be !

You've grown apart , you both need to get talking to see if you can find some common ground.

I don’t think it’s the lack of intellectual interests that bother the OP, but rather the lack of any curiosity, energy, interest and enthusiasm in any subject and she’s listed her own in comparison. Phones are brain rot and addictive and if he’s just sat about on one refusing to even give new stuff a try then that would bother me. Not because they were not into the same stuff - but because they have given up on any new experience beyond the familiar.

I’d say you are into reading and culture OP and he’s not. That’s ok. He can do what he wants! Him being boring is not ok ... and he sounds super boring :(

Is he under a fair amount of stress or suffering with MH? Usually I don't jump on threads with the old MH line but I can't concentrate on anything, fall asleep during films, scroll mindlessly through SM as escapism and just can't get into anything. But, I'm stressed to the max and have low level depression and anxiety. My brain is simply just running on full. Could you try something more low key together? You seen to have quite a set idea of what worthy activities are but your DH sounds intelligent enough to be accomplished at his work