Feel awful saying this but...

[Ginkpin]

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

It is the lack of curiosity that I can't cope with. I don't mind him not sharing my interests but he has none of his own (apart from watching sport) and glazes over if I do much as mention the plot of a good film or book I've enjoyed. He doesn't know the names of even the most prolific authors/actors - household names - as his oblivion to everything is so great.

Yep. This was the dealbreaker in my marriage and honestly something I couldn't make peace with in any future relationship.

I don't really care what someone's interests are as long as they are passionately held and explored with curiosity. I could even respect a man who cared passionately about golf or fishing if they did it with a real hunger.

But I can't get past passivity, a closed mind and lack of engagement. I genuinely don't see what the point is in being in a relationship with someone like this.

Talk to him.

I was married for 13 years, together since we were 16-ish.

Thought we were happy - he was a bit more 'outgoing' than me, always wanting to make new friends and liked to be centre of attention, whereas I was quite happy with my family and close group of friends we'd had for many years.

I thought we were happy though and he certainly never said or acted any differently, until he had an affair with a 12 years younger colleague. When I found out, he told me I never wanted to go out with my friends, he was unhappy, etc.

Basically, he wanted more excitement and to turn back the time to before we had children, so he found someone he could do that with.

I did want to see my friends but I valued spending my limited 'free' time on my long standing friendships over people I barely knew and most of my friends now live all over the country.

Rather than give me the respect of talking to me about this, he had an affair and broke our family up.

I think EvenMoreFuriousVexation makes a very good point. It takes a lot of energy and focus to keep a company running, especially with C-19 and Brexit etc. He probably talks to people all day. Maybe he just needs a bit of quiet when he gets home because he has less energy than he used to when younger?

My DH of 26 yrs has honestly driven me stark raving mad WFH during lockdown (office moved in to dining room) but it has made me appreciate the intensity of his work a lot more.

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

My DH isn't like you have described at all. We do loads of stuff together, share lots of interests. He hates sitting on the couch more than I do and is often the one instigating getting up and about. We are always planning our next adventure or trip.

I wouldn't settle for anything less.

I don't think you should force your ideas on other people. Enjoy your hobbies and let him enjoy his. If you feel thats a deal breaker and you want to leave then you won't be the first.

It’s hilarious that some posters think this is something that happens to all men in middle age. Who do you think is writing a huge proportion of the novels, conducting and playing in the orchestras, running the theatres and arts festivals, making the documentaries and art, writing, directing and singing in the operas, dominating arts and humanities research? Do you think these are women-and-young-men-only fields?

Only you know what you want to do, but long term relationships require compromise.

I see a lot of friends on my own and we sometimes do cultural things, which DH isn't keen on. I also visit places with my brother fairly often or we go on country walks together. I don't wish I was with DH when I'm with my friends or brother as I enjoy their company and, when he is there, the conversations are different (not worse necessarily).

He does play tennis. He would like me to as well - and I have played in the past - but he is good at sport and I am not. I don't like the feeling of being the "weak link", and he understands that. He has friends he can play with and belongs to a club.

On the other hand I enjoy running and he tries to jog but isn't as good as I am, so I have no wish to go running with him. I am happy to have music to keep me company.

We do find TV programmes we both like and try to have a series on the go all the time, but we also watch things separately.

I'm an avid reader. DH used to read books but hasn't done for years. His loss, as far as I'm concerned. I don't mind not being able to discuss books with him, though it would be nice. I sometimes try to persuade him to read something I've enjoyed, but to no avail these days.

We do talk a lot though he has a tendency to go on at length so I find it hard to keep listening - actually don't really bother! I like to keep up with current events as in check out the main stories but don't share his in depth interest...... When he gets together with my dad / brother / bil, they are all the same and go on for hours about politics etc. I lose interest and slope away if there is no one else to talk to.

Etc etc. None of this makes me want to leave him. I have some other issues with him, but not around shared interests. Though we have talked about taking up a new activity to spend more time together - something we could do when the weather is better.

@Maigue

It’s hilarious that some posters think this is something that happens to all men in middle age. Who do you think is writing a huge proportion of the novels, conducting and playing in the orchestras, running the theatres and arts festivals, making the documentaries and art, writing, directing and singing in the operas, dominating arts and humanities research? Do you think these are women-and-young-men-only fields?

You're right... men are often prodigious in generating cultural output but that isn't necessarily something that works in parallel with maintaining their relationships.

My dad was a great example of this: a prolific writer with a very open and curious mind in relation to his work and professional sphere but he basically checked out of family life; family was just an enabler and a backdrop to him and he made very little attempt to engage with my mum at any level beyond just that she was the mother of his children.

It's possible for a man to be a great intellect/artist/scientist but to completely compartmentalise this and keep his life partner and children at one level of remove -- in fact it happens a lot.

@TheCattleGrid

My only advice would be is that in my observations what you describe is what happens to men. An exciting and fulfilled life may be had by you pursuing your interests and friendships and expecting less of him. The chances of finding a middle aged man who isn't frankly boring, stuck in his ways and prefers to tell stories of his youth rather than engage in the world today would be slim. So although I very much sympathise, adjusting your expectations may be the answer.

Why is being considered in the wrong for not sharing his wife's interests? If he were to moan about his wife not sharing his interest in sport etc. the responses would be totally different. They've grown apart as they've grown older, many do, but it's unfair to dump all the blame on one person.

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

Seriously?? What a massive generalisation! I know loads of men who have hobbies and interests. In our family and social circle we have men who are sailors, swimmers, cyclists, DIY enthusiasts, footballers who play and watch matches, who are into music, politics, reading... icy the same a many of the women 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️.

OP it sounds like you’ve grown apart, and this needs to be discussed with your husband.

Absolutely, @thepeopleversuswork — although I roll my eyes at the whole ‘pram in the hall’ thing, as I’ve found that parenthood has made me more, not less, productive — but my point was more that male producers and facilitators of cultural endeavours don’t suddenly turn into couch potatoes falling asleep over Dave reruns when they hit 45, which lays an axe to the idea that an inevitable male life stage.

He sounds like he’s lost his spark and his curiosity. It’s not that he doesn’t like the same things as the OP, he doesn’t seem bettered about anything much. I would hate this.

Maigue the worry I have and this is something which I find very depressing is that there are very few men who are both intellectually curious and driven and good supportive partners.

I have to say I have yet to find one who crosses both camps. All the partners I have had have either been kind, gentle, supportive and ultimately quite dull men who will put you first but will eventually bore you or they have been self-centred, clever intellectual showboaters with very fragile egos who basically require you to be a mother substitute.

If I had to choose I'd probably opt for the first as long as I had other outlets. There's nothing worse than sacrificing your life on the alter of someone else's cleverness -- my mum basically lost herself to this and it ultimately destroyed her self-esteem completely.

I'd like to think this is an over-simplification and that there are some partnerships where both partners are allowed to "shine" and to support one another but I'm in my late 40s and haven't found this yet. I've made my compromise and I'm happy(ish) with it. But it hasn't given me a lot of faith in men's ability to cover both bases.

the question is perhaps not whether or not he shares your hobbies but whether there are other things that you enjoy together.

Not all men turn into couch potatoes - though even if DPs have intellectual hobbies it still doesn't mean that you will automatically share them. My DP is really into obscure philosophy whereas am much happier with more mainstream philosophical strands - he complains that I don't care about his interest, whilst I complain that he is too much into analytical philosophy rather than contemporary sociological thought. We are both academics so obscure cultural pursuits are our thing - unfortunately, not the same ones.

But the point is whether there are other things that you find exciting about each other. And only you can tell.

And to those suggesting that I think I'm somehow 'better' than him: at the core of who we are, no I don't. But I do think I've made more effort to remain interested and interesting. The brain is like any muscle and you have to exercise it you don't, engage with the world on your partner beyond the basics, it slows down. Sometimes trying to even have a basic conversation feels like an effort because he has slowed down to the point of being almost inert.

It's not the same thing as being laid back. It's a kind of dulling, passive negativity that's pretty depressing amd draining to be around.

The flip side of all of this is that I love him. We have children and shared history and I don't want to be unkind to him (which is why I've come here to sort my thoughts out).

Again sorry for typos and random punctuation. Stupid phone.

I can relate to a lot of this.
Many of us can it seems.

For me, the deal breaker was that he put all his effort into protesting that his was the 'right' way. So, eg, I didn't sneer at him for NOT reading any of books but he started to sneer at me for reading lots.

I think it's a bit telling that he will be proud of your paid writing in front of others - ie bask in the reflected glory - but not actually bother to read it when only you are around - so not REALLY interested?

DH was 'proud' when I, after many years, SAHM, got a 'good job and wore smart office clothes' but wouldnt do his share of looking after our two disabled children so I could have enough time to rest between work shifts to enable me to carry on with the job.

So, OP, does your H either put down your different ways or maintain a facade with others but not with you?

OP, this man is your husband of twenty years. Why aren't you talking to him frankly about it?

Forgive me if I've missed the post but do you have children?

It sounds as though he has grafted endlessly his entire adult life and as you say his brain is rusty. He most likely exhausted his brain a long time ago and lives in a perfunctory state of 'being'.

Perhaps he doesn't even realise how set in his ways he has become.

I think you need to sit down and put everything onto the table. In the new year turn over a new leaf - find a new hobby together, book at the theatre (covid permitting), art gallery etc, whatever you used to enjoy. Alternatively find something new to enjoy together. He won't wake up tomorrow with the same interests at twenty but maybe you can have new interests together.

If that doesn't work then you really need to look at your situation and assess if you are happy.

However, are you looking back with rosy tinted glasses and wanting to relive your glory days? We would all turn the time machine back to our youth and relive the times with those we love(d).

He sounds like a good man who you love and who loves you. You have built a life together, I would not be hasty in throwing your empire (however tedious you currently find it) away because you are frustrated. The whole world is bored and frustrated at the moment and our worlds feel so small. Write a list of what you want from your life and share it with him.

Start small - book a weekend away/a meal/a day out and see where it goes. You can fall in love all over again if both parties are willing, it just takes effort. If he is unwilling to make one then you have a clearer answer.

A few more thoughts:

My DH has run his own company since his early 20s. He has worked ftom home for many years. He is pretty obsessed with it. It is also "reasonably successful". Its hard for him to totally switch off and at weekends his fall-back position is to go to his office upstairs. I think running one's own business does take up a huge amount of energy and drive, though DH takes more care of his well-being since he had a health scare three years ago.

My job is full on too and I have a lot of responsibility. We also have two mid to late teens who have needed a lot of input in recent years for various reasons.

Overall my zest for intellectual stimulation has reduced over the years. There are books I read in my twenties that I couldn't face reading now, as I need to relax and switch off. The "middle years" are quite stressful for a lot of us.

Perhaps that's how your DH is feeling OP?

@52andblue That's a really interesting observation.

So as I mentioned, I go to football with him sometimes, I enjoy the match very much and like having a bit of a chat on the au home. But I can't really get as worked up about every pass/decision to the degree that he does, but I know he likes to dissect it all, so I do it with him and share my opinion on whether someone might have been off-side.

But if I suggest taking to kids to - say - Tate Modern, DD would be quite up for it as she is doing ART GCSE but DS assumes it will be boring because his dad does a yawning gesture to him. It's not quite as horrible as being Sherry, but the inference is 'dull'. This is when I find myself thinking 'you're stupid' because how does he know it will be dull if he doesn't try. And why would you try to close your DS's brain to new stuff.

*sneery

My 30 year marriage to a man who was all sport, sex usually with other women and booze broke down .
I was lucky to meet a man mid 50s who likes the kind of thing I do, especially dowsing and homeopathy.
He wasn’ t into either but when he tried them and they both worked he was committed.
He keeps up with social affairs as do I, he’s a lovely man

He can be a bit boring and I can be a bit apathetic..but hey..we are pushing 70 so it’s allowed

Not all Middle aged men have given up.
He’s also faithful

@Ginkpin - he really shouldn't tell the kids that art is boring. In fact, no one should tell the kids that stuff is boring...I hate it when women complain about sport, but equally, it's annoying when men complain about their partner's hobby. That's just rude and is a question of respect i.e. you should respect his hobbies and he should respect yours and it's fab if you can expose the kids to as many different things as possible.

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

Indeed, I’m sure every single one of the books, films, plays, art works OP enjoys were produced by women

Lots of men ARE interesting to talk to I've found though through my job in a hospital.

From the healthcare professionals to many of the patients I enjoy conversations with them. It's just a certain laddish type that can be boring or the type that have set in their ways.