Feel awful saying this but...

[Ginkpin]

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

See I think you have missed the problem entirely OP, that rather than having an issue with his lack of interest in anything outside football, you have a problem with his lack of interest in you. If I had a guess I'd say that the issue is a lack of emotional connection between the two of you, that only exists when you talk to one another. And it doesn't have to be about hobbies or interests or whatever.

He and you are people, you have interior lives that no one can access unless you permit. That means unless the two of you talk to one another about how you're feeling and actually going, you won't connect. Forget all the hobby bullshit, have you spoken to him about how you feel about covid and lockdown? Are you anxious? Scared? Does he know? How does he feel? Are you worried about your jobs? What's going on with that? It sounds to me more like the issue is you are trying to talk about irrelevant stuff instead of taking about actual important things which you have stopped talking about, because of life etc. I'm not blaming you, it happens because people fall into routine, but this is the death of a relationship, not having no common hobbies.

OP, I have a few friends in a very similar position to you. Two left their husbands. One has had relationships but is now pretty much single except for a FWB, the other lives with her partner but she is facing similar issues (like yours) with him to hose which meant she divorced her DH.

OP, you have options and I think if your marriage is dead you’d be crazy to stay but don’t think that you will necessarily find a man who fits in with all you want/need.

I think it’s time to have a frank and honest conversation with DH. It may be he’s fed up but isn’t sure how to improve matters.

@Hiddenmnetter makes a v good point - it’s the lack of emotional intimacy - the care, soothing, the “how are you?” that is critical. It sounds like he has totally withdrawn and dissociated from the world in general by hiding and blunting his emotions with alcohol. That’s a very lonely place to be in a marriage for both of you.

Yes I think from PP you are describing a lack of emotional intimacy and interest in each other’s lives. You’ve explained your frustration and anger with the situation. However despite some gentle questioning on this thread you’ve not really responded with any insight about what he might need from you. Many men can only remain emotionally intimate if they are physically intimate too but they daren’t acknowledge that. The selection of replies show women who have re-engaged with their partners and made it work through counselling or other means and those who have moved on. Those that have moved on have had mixed success in finding what they want and need. I enjoy complete freedom to do what I want which includes all sorts of social events, cultural visits and solo travelling. Occasionally I’ve been sad that I have no permanent partner but mainly find my life so much better than it ever was but I acknowledged early on that I was going it alone. So you can’t force him to change, you can accept how things are, work together to try and regain something worthwhile or leave.

@cheesecrackersandcorona were you wikispeaks? if so i found your thread very quickly via google!

@Ginkpin I agree with the comments about emotional intimacy that it might be this affecting both of you, and certainly for me if I were to change relationships, that would be the number one deal breaker when finding someone, over and above any other qualities, that we have emotional intimacy. BTW, and I know that this is not really the point at all, in relation to what you have said about his lack of interest in programmes, I find it really hard to engage much film or drama because so much is rehash and predictable same with a lot of literary fiction

@cheesecrackersandcorona I’m interested to hear your story. I’m in a similar situation to OP - lots of low level persistent drinking and just lack of interest in life / curiosity about new things. So glad you found happiness. Do you mind me asking did you have kids. For me, that is the big block. And the fact that my OH does not want to split. At all.

Yep. There it is! No idea why I couldn't find it last night.

I think I've married a big dependent baby www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1128032-I-think-Ive-married-a-big-dependent-baby

I don't want to hijack ops thread though. We split 8 years ago.

Ah - it's a bugger, but I think you might just be restless. Don't do anything rash. I don't think there is such a thing as a soul mate, you can't get everything from one person.

Can you find something / a couple things that you both enjoy, and properly try and refresh your relationship? It also might really be worth saying to him you feel disconnected, and what does he think?

It feels like you can bring this one back to life, while accepting you can't share everything.

In a year or 2, if nothing has improved you might feel you need to make changes. But no relationship is perfect, break ups are expensive, lots of people regret them... so you need to be certain.

See I think you have missed the problem entirely OP, that rather than having an issue with his lack of interest in anything outside football, you have a problem with his lack of interest in you

Well, I'm obviously not the OP, who should clearly respond to this in her own time, but is it really so difficult to think that the problem might just be exactly what the OP says it is without it being a metaphor for something else? That she really does want someone who engages with the wider world, reads the occasional book, and has the attention span to watch a TV show without falling asleep or going back to his phone, and her DH, who used to be this person, apparently no longer is?

@Djouce Well, I'm obviously not the OP, who should clearly respond to this in her own time, but is it really so difficult to think that the problem might just be exactly what the OP says it is without it being a metaphor for something else?

Of course it might be exactly as the op said, that his lack of hobbies and interest in her hobbies is the problem. But that doesn't gel with any experience of relating to someone else that I have either lived or ever heard of. Shared interests are a beginning for spending time together. The important thing is spending time together and talking about yourselves to one another. That's what creates emotional connections. This is what OP is describing an absence of. The lack of intellectual stimulation (as others have rightly pointed out) is not nearly such an issue- you can find intellectual stimulation with friends, colleagues etc. Emotional connections can't be shared with others in the same way- they belong principally to your (sexual) partner.

Well, we'll have to disagree, @Hiddenmnetter . (And again, this is not to speak on the OP's behalf -- this is me.) For me, it wouldn't in the least be about shared interests being a starting point for spending time together, or talking about yourselves to one another, it would be about being married to someone who shared an interest in culture, the contemporary world and ideas for themselves. These things for me are enormously important, and I couldn't imagine being married to someone for whom they were a closed book.

Can I offer a male perspective? I've seen this happen with some couples I know - the man becomes happier doing nothing, the woman, once the children grow to an age where they can operate on a day to day basis without starving or generally needing constant care, find they have more time to do triathalons/write books/give TED talks. And it has ended some marriages. So you may want to think a few years ahead and wonder if when the children at university or whatever, will you be living a separate life to him. (I know someone upthread said this in far fewer words, slippers and wings).

It's really tough. You have made some efforts, will he?

And whilst you are not looking, it's absolutely not the case that we are all like your OH and it is unfair to make that claim.

Good luck.

@BlokeHereInPeace yes. My 2nd husband is active and engaged in life/our lives.

We do have some very separate hobbies and friends but honestly that just makes things more interesting. We operate as a unit with respect for one another's interests and professions.

He hasn't 'settled' and become dull (like my first husband) who I babied. It wasn't all XHs fault. He is still a good Dad but we are very different people and would have aged badly together.

Lots of interesting things to consider.

I wish I knew what he wanted/what it would take for him to re-engage. The only time he is remotely animated is when he talks about work or football. I engage with both topics with clear interest - ask questions, acknowledge work stress, ask if I can help with work stress. I am physically affectionate, tell him all the time that he is loved and appreciated etc. From a purely practical perspective it would be MUCH easier/better to fix this marriage than head off looking for greener grass that may not exist. Making things better is definitely my preference. I just can't seem to get him to understand how much he is hollowing me out with his apathy.

To those asking about shared interests: When we met - pre-kids - we travelled a lot. Asia, Europe, a Ski Season etc. We lived abroad for just over a year at one point and both loved travelling more than anything. We both also had a big love of music (I used to DJ) but now, even that has become boxed in. He will listen to music but it's the same stuff he was listening to when we met (fine) but he has no interest in hearing new music/bands - even if it's the same genre.

It's almost like he has closed shop and wants absolutely no new information/knowledge/stories/tunes/ideas in his head.

I just think (like everyone) you need some space from each other. If you were just dating once a week you'd both give it your full attention.
Have you seen Esther Perez (I think) mating in captivity on YouTube?
Give it a watch and see what you think

I completely understand about the lack of shared hobbies and watching films/reading books. In fact I did exactly the same with Breaking Bad thinking that would be a hit for us both but he got bored. Can't get him interested in anything other than sport really. Always on phone on WhatsApp groups or football news etc.
Every now and then it gets to me and I feel sad not being able to share a good drama with him or chat about a book but we've toddled along ok together this year and I guess I've tried not to dwell on it.

How has the last few days been? Did you find any time to talk and reflect?