Feel awful saying this but...

[Ginkpin]

Name changed for this post as I feel ashamed of how I feel, but I do need to clear my head about it.

I've been with DH for 25 years, married for 16. We met when we were both young (19/20). Our marriage has always been 'up and down' but recently, I have caught myself thinking 'you're so stupid' and I hate myself for it.

When we met, we were both very similar in outlook/views/goals etc. Neither of us is university educated - I knew what I wanted to do and very quickly got a job in my chosen field (broadcasting) and worked my way up. DH came from a family that struggled financially and university was not an option - he had to work to contribute to the household as soon as he'd finished his A-Levels. He worked bloody hard and has ended up as the Director of a small, but reasonably successful, company.

In the years since we met, I have continued to pursue my interests: art/reading/film/writing/music and always have a couple of books on the go and make an effort to see new and different films (although I enjoy big box office films as much as the next person), go to exhibitions (even if I'm not always sure I know much about the subject), ditto live music - and I write and get paid for my creative writing. As a caveat to all of this worthiness, I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.

DH on the other hand has, over the years, stopped taking an interest in anything cultural. He hasn't read a book for years, can't seem to concentrate on a film or a tv show without falling asleep/forgetting what's happened/missing the point, has no interest in going to the cinema/theatre/exhibitions/concerts - anything really. He watches sport, spends hours looking at social media, works hard, pulls his weight, is not unkind, but not specifically thoughtful, and I've realised that we have nothing to talk about. If i suggest watching something/reading something, he can't be arsed and I honestly feel like he has wasted his brain through lack of exercise. I don't think I"m better or cleverer than him, but I do think I've kept my mind far more active and have far more interests and I am not sure what to do about how I feel.

I have to do all my hobbies with friends because he isn't interested and whilst he has no objection - he's very happy for me to go out and do stuff - I'm sad that I can't share any of it with my partner.

Forgive the long post, but this suddenly feels like a deal-breaker and I don't know if that is massively unfair (I am peri meno and this is suddenly bothering me so much more than it ever has).

I feel angry and sad and just don't know what to do.

If you still love him and want to be with him, focus on what you love and find friends to make up the rest. If you truly think you have gone in a direction where you cannot get back to loving him, divorce and move on.

That’s the perfect recipe for just settling for whatever you have and never dare dreaming for more. Are we back to the 1950?

For a relationship to work, BOTH parties should make an effort and compromise. No reason why just the OP should do so. He is contented in his own little world where the OP basically stays on the side. That’s not ok.
Now it might be that there is no compromise to find. But surely it shouldn’t be about the OP putting the lid over her wish to connect with her DH.

@Ginkpin you need to talk to him and explain how you feel. He doesn’t have to join you in every pursuits of yours. But you BOTH need to find a common ground again and start takin some interest in what the other is doing.

and other comments like this miss the point and it's not as simple as not 'liking the same books or films'. The OP clearly says 'I also enjoy shite tv, scrolling mindlessly through instagram and sport.'
The difference is her DH seems to be interested in only a very narrow range of things.

I don't agree we are missing the point. The OP has deemed certain hobbies and activities 'important' and 'worthy'. The fact is her OH has changed and now finds fun in other things. This causes her to look down on him.

Btw, I suspect you would have less issue with it if you still had a common project, something that is bringing you together and connects you.

I think that often this goes when children have left home and there is just the two of you. Hence the number of divorce around 50yo.

I also disagree that all men are like this and only interested in tv, football and sex. It’s totally possible to find men interested in other activities etc....

@KatherineJaneway, what sort of activities is the DH having apart from work and TV??

I didn’t get from her posts that he was interested in anything at all.

Happiness is compromise and compromise is happiness.

DH has a brain the size of a planet. His passions are music (I struggle and I mean he will pick up on a nuance between composers), sport and economic history/politics and he's a workaholic and hates travelling to New and exciting places. I also work full time but had 8 years at home when dc were small. My passions are travel, people/socialising, Art (I like modern; he likes boats and haywains), racing.

But after 30 years we make an effort. I mug up before we go to the opera, holidays are compromised by a home in France, we plan the garden, and when we do holiday we do always read a couple of the same books and talk about them, sometimes throughout the year.

Fundamentally I still quite like him. FWIW I dropped out of uni; he's Oxbridge. My family had money, his didn't but were teachers and quite chippy. Ultimately we share race, politics and religion so even with some differences have made it work.

Personality and morals are more important than hobbies IMO.

Absolutely.

Are there new hobbies/interests you can both find common ground in?

It would be a shame to throw away your long marriage over this. Good men are hard to find.

I understand you op. My ex is intelligent, university educated, professional. But he had no hobbies beyond watching sport, didnt read and had lots of opinions which weren't based on anything.

A huge part of a relationship for me is to be able to talk. Talk about little things as well as current affairs, history, books, causes etc.

The men I've dated, including my current boyfriend are very clever, well read ,knowledgeable and love discussing things as much as me. I'd rather be alone than just sit next to someone watching endless TV.

But before ditching him, I would talk to him and tell him how important it is to you. He could try and see what you could do together and he may even enjoy it.

I think it's important here that you stop invalidating your own feelings. It sounds like you've grown apart. Why do you think you should feel ashamed?

Your feelings are important. It's really more of a concern that you're not talking to him about it. That suggests more of a rift to me than the fact that your interests have diverged.

I don't agree we are missing the point. The OP has deemed certain hobbies and activities 'important' and 'worthy'. The fact is her OH has changed and now finds fun in other things. This causes her to look down on him.

The OP finds fun in the things she admits sound 'worthy' AND ALSO the things her DH likes – TV, social media and sport.
She isn't looking down on him so much as finding the range of things they can now bond over and talk about narrower than it was.

@Redundant98

Personality and morals are more important than hobbies IMO.

Absolutely.

Are there new hobbies/interests you can both find common ground in?

It would be a shame to throw away your long marriage over this. Good men are hard to find.

It's not as simple as this though.

Yes you're right that in the hierarchy of human need, a strong moral compass is more important than an encyclopaedic knowledge of a particular subject.

But there's no lonelier feeling than being with someone whose mind has closed and who can't be bothered to have a conversation any more: and I speak from experience.

Trying to have interesting conversations with someone who doesn't look further than their football team or whatever, being knocked back and retreating into yourself. It's absolutely soul destroying and will corrode the marriage over time anyway.

Yes there's a way of compartmentalising this so you get the stimulating you need elsewhere etc... but ultimately why? why would your life be improved and enriched by compromising to accommodate someone who is less bright?

Short term the answer is probably kids. But over a lifetime this is a recipe for misery.

People change, that's allowed.

Are you expecting someone to fulfill every need? If so that's way too much to expect from one person. Your man lets you do your own thing so go and do your own thing and enjoy it.

Maybe get a new hobby you can enjoy together.

I understand dumbing down over the years, adult life is hard and sometimes you run out of brain power.

This reads to me like you're looking for permission to leave, or have an affair with someone who you perceive as more intellectual .

I suspect part of the reason you can pursue your 'interests' is because of his hard work establishing his own business and providing an income.

I read novels all the time, my DP doesn't. Although he uses social media all the time, is always watching tech/science stuff on YouTube etc, all things I don't know anything about.

Have you actually tried to have a conversation with your husband - what's he looking at on social media? What's happening with his business? Not wanting to schlep round Tate Modern tilting his head at art installations doesn't make him a less worthy or interesting person. Maybe you need to re examine your own values?

@shamalidacdak

Sorry to say but All men are like this. You're in for a rude awakening if you think you'll find another man who shares your interests. Unfortunately they morph into single interest species and it's usually watching sports , drinking and sex. It's a well known phenomenon that men would just sit on the couch for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for women dragging them out.

I’ve never read such unadulterated crap.

I suspect part of the reason you can pursue your 'interests' is because of his hard work establishing his own business and providing an income.
The OP works too.

@TheCattleGrid

My only advice would be is that in my observations what you describe is what happens to men. An exciting and fulfilled life may be had by you pursuing your interests and friendships and expecting less of him. The chances of finding a middle aged man who isn't frankly boring, stuck in his ways and prefers to tell stories of his youth rather than engage in the world today would be slim. So although I very much sympathise, adjusting your expectations may be the answer.

that's just you I am afraid.

Pretty much all the middle age (and older, much older) men around me either have their first child and get caught in all the child stuff -like any normal parent

or give truth to the famous "middle life crisis" and restart or up their hobbies/sports/ travel and go onto full-on crazy projects

It's the youngest ones who are quite happy hanging out with mates, watching sport, staying in pubs!

Women are being just as active.

I am really sorry for you if you don't have that experience. It might be because it's financially easier, it might be because people realise time is short or they are already secure in their career, but middle age people around me sound exhausting (and very interesting).

@Ginkpin you act like you’ve made the effort to reconnect with him (ie if I asked him to read a book) but you haven’t really. If it’s the connection you miss have you tried embracing his hobby of sport? Watching it with him, going to matches or is it that you want him to just engage with your hobbies as you see your hobbies as superior?

My DH and I have never had common hobbies. He loves sport I love music. He will go to a concert with me and miss songs to queue at bar for drinks, I will sit and make some vaguely interested comments during an important match. He doesn’t like foreign films so I’ll watch them in my spare time, we watch box office types together. It doesn’t bother me at all and certainly isn’t a deal breaker..

I don't get the impression the OP's husband is going to the pub or taking part in sport or going along to football matches, he's sitting in front of the TV or on social media all the time. Extreme passivity towards life would feel very tedious to me. Even just watching a show together in a companionable way would be a start. I would watch sport occasionally with my husband just as a way to bond on a Sat afternoon, but if it were all me and him sitting there passively, presumably for the next 40 year, I would think twice about what my life would look like.

I had this. A DH that used to join me in films, theatre , music. Then kids , etc. came and these things took a back seat.
When I decided it was time to go back, he had no interest , but I had no problem going alone , even travelling alone . And he never begrudged me the money I spent.
I did feel that he was a boring lazy TV watcher but that was OK as he was a loyal and hard worker for our family.

Until he wasn't. Instead of returning to his music or painting that he used to do , he decided his hobby would be online dating . Not so boring now, was he ? !

So now, his intellectual inferiority, his TV watching , his go nowhere and do nothing attitude is no longer tolerable .Which is why he will be gone soon.

Stillfunny sorry you are having to go through this, but your post made me chuckle in a wry way, funny how people who don't have the energy to do anything at all with their wives can sometimes have a burst of energy if someone else comes on the scene. Hope this all goes ok for you,

I sympathise OP. I do sometimes wish DH had more interest in culture. He'll diligently come along with me to the theatre occasionally or sit through an Ozu film but he could take it or leave it and won't ever have an interest in discussing any literature. That said DH does have his own interests and can definitely hold his own in a debate which for me is important in a partner.

I have no idea what my advice would be. I guess if it was me I'd be thinking about whether I'd be happier alone or with DP. If the former then you know what to do.

@Aquamarine1029

You've outgrown him and you're miserable. You've got a good 40 years left, so now you have to decide how you want to spend them. Happy or miserable? I know what I'd choose.

First reply is a LTB response.

This place is shameful at times.

Thank you for so many interesting responses. It's given me pause for thought.

To clarify a few things, he used to play sport well but has put on quite a bit of weight through inertia/drinking (this is not an issue for me), so now can't play. He talks a LOT about how good he used to be//how much he misses it, but does nothing to get in shape ore-engage (this IS an issue for me).

I have joined in with his interest (football) and have grown to really enjoy it. He has a season ticket and if one of the DC isn't going, I sometimes go with him.

It is the lack of curiosity that I can't cope with. I don't mind him not sharing my interests but he has none of his own (apart from watching sport) and glazes over if I do much as mention the plot of a good film or book I've enjoyed. He doesn't know the names of even the most prolific authors/actors - household names - as his oblivion to everything is so great.

To whoever said 'shouting alongside the shouttiest talk radio and ruminating bout his glory days, yes!

And I don't think all men are like that. I have a few male friends with even less of an education who are far more switched on/interested/curious/stimulating to talk to. I have no interest in meeting anyone, but just wish we had more interesting conversations. I wish he could pRETEND to be interested in something sometimes. I mentioned previously that I am a paid writer, he is quite proud of this fact and tells people about it, yet he has never read a single thing I've written beyond the first couple of sentences before handing it back and saying something like 'well done'. It's not high-bow or intellectual writing, it's not about it going over his head, he just isn't interested.

He is good and I'd like to fix things but I now I can't change who he is.

Sorry for typos - on phone with no glasses on!

Do you have any shared interests? Do you have children, animals, do you enjoy doing anything together?

@Poppingnotstopping. Ironically, he wasn't even very good at that . Started messaging OW who was someone he used to know.She lived abroad. I saw the texts , she was all wordy and talking about her day , he would reply with an emoji.
So , even a boring philanderer! He would be lucky if he ever gets anyone as I cant imagine he could bluff being interesting too long.