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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 15/12/2020 00:17

He doesn’t deserve the pup either Sad

Jux · 15/12/2020 00:17

Stay strong.

Block him on all social media and anything else which might allow him to contact you (or stalk you).

He WILL hurt your pets. He'll hurt you too, but your pets can't make sense of it when they are hurt, and you can't betray their trust in you.

Keep him away always.

You will be fine, sad for a while but that really is transitory.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 15/12/2020 00:18

Reading that screen shot it’s all about him, nothing about you - up to am including ‘your good for me’. Nothing about how he made you feel, nothing about you at all, except that he’s sorry because he fucked up, so he now doesn’t get to move in with you. He sorry because of the consequences to him. Not because he hurt or scared you. Big difference.

Jux · 15/12/2020 00:18

Sorry. Thread had moved on a bit before I hit post.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2020 00:19

Don't be sad see this as a lucky escape before he moved in.

Eekay · 15/12/2020 00:23

You've done the right thing OP. You must be really shaken. I would strongly advise having someone with you when he collects the dog or even better having someone take it to him.
He'll try to talk you round and he could be dangerous if you're alone when you tell him No, it's over.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2020 00:23

You should NEVER be in this man's presence again. He can send someone to pick up his dog. Or someone else can be at your house to give the dog to him at the doorstep.

Yes, you'll have a big of heartbreak over this. it's the death of the dream of the life you imagined with him. But he was NEVER that man and better a broken heart than a broken neck.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2020 00:24

That should say a BIT of heartbreak. Definitely not a big one!

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 15/12/2020 00:27

@minou123

He has already started to downplay what happened.

I don't want to have ruined something else amazing cause of a drunk idiot episode

To him it is an idiotic, almost silly "episode". And because he was drunk, its excusable.

I am disgusted with myself........but that is not me

He is starting to distance himself from what he did.

This, 100 times this.

He's not only trying to persuade you OP, but he is busy here convincing himself it's not who he really is, so he has his own full permission to forgive himself and not address it if only you'll go along with it and forget it.

And the messages are scary. "I only wanted a fight" means "I wanted you to give me an excuse to lash out". People don't want fights usually... but there are people who like to give themselves permission to let loose. He's very quick to give himself a pass for his anger, isn't he? It doesn't bode well for the next time. Best not be around to see it, I reckon.

I hope you've had a good hot cup of tea and vented to a friend, it sounds like you had a big shock. Look after yourself. X

Member869894 · 15/12/2020 00:27

That you are even thinking of letting this man move in says to me that you really need to work on your self esteem and question what love means to you.

Donotgogentle · 15/12/2020 00:28

Whatever this is it is not love Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2020 00:28

I married your (hopefully) ex.

I fell for all the apologies.

I wore bruise make up on my wedding day. RUN AWAY.

RubiksLego · 15/12/2020 00:29

Something like this happened to me and here’s what I did - I’m hoping people don’t admonish me because it started out by giving him a second chance but I loved him, he succeeded in gaslighting me so much and making me feel so, so sorry for him.
Anyway, there were a few incidences like squaring up to me, looking over me, getting in my face - all while drunk- that scared me. He was able to gaslight me by saying after that he wasn’t being agressive, I was just so sensitive that I projected that, how dare I say he was aggressive to women when he never was etc. One incident happened when he couldn’t deny it, he backed me into our pantry, I curled up and he still stood looking over me shouting and threatening me.
He eventually left but the messages started, the pleading, he’d do anything - therapy, anger management, give up drinking etc etc ‘I just can’t lose you’
So I said ok, let’s take a break for 6 months while you go to therapy and anger management and stay off the drink, we can then get back together and you can stay sober. I knew and he knew that would never ever happen, he always promised and never followed through but by saying that I could tell him and myself that I gave him another chance. I said dont contact me for 6 months - if you are being serious and would ‘do anything’ what I’m asking for you to do is no contact and do all the things you’ve promised.
He obviously didn’t, went two weeks and told me I was being unreasonable, unfair etc etc but it proved to both of us that ‘I’ll do anything to get you back’ really meant ‘I’ll say anything to get you back’ when it got in any way uncomfortable for him.

RubiksLego · 15/12/2020 00:32

I want to add that I’m not saying you should do what I did, I wish I had the self worth to have ended it after the first time....or even second, third fourth.
Those kind of messages are so horrible, especially when you really want to believe them, please stay strong

Kalula · 15/12/2020 00:34

Can I ask why you decided to enter into a relationship with him once he told you he had hit his ex? That would have most women turning on the heels and leaving in that very moment. Why would you want to be with a man who hits women? And why would you invite him into your home, let alone to move in? I don't understand. Did you think you'd 'be the one to change him' or something? He admitted to you that he hit his ex. What is it about that, that didn't seem serious enough that you continued in a relationship with him?

Wafflingonagain · 15/12/2020 00:34

Hi, this only the second time I’ve posted when I posted before I was on the verge on suicide and a lot of lovely people messaged me left comments and helped me through that horrible night.

But I felt I have to reply on this, for me and a lot of other women this is how it starts, the squaring up I mean and it can escalate from there. It has for me in every relationship I’ve been in.
It may not for you but do you want to take that risk?
Things have changed for my child and I, we are renting a place together alone.
If you ever need to talk please please pm me x

Wafflingonagain · 15/12/2020 00:35

*of not on

38DegreesToday · 15/12/2020 00:35

So he hits women which he’s admitted to, and you want him to move in with you? And now you’re worried because he might hit you and hurt your pets. Confused

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 15/12/2020 00:35

I’m annoyed with myself. The anger is wearing off and sadness creeping in. Thinking about how it was just him getting in my face, I feel unreasonable when he’s saying sorry. I know I shouldn’t. Can’t help it. He doesn’t know this

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 15/12/2020 00:38

Stay strong OP. Please don't give in as he won't change, whatever he says, no matter how upset you are or how much you love him. You know what to do.

Krampusasbabysitter · 15/12/2020 00:41

Don't let him have the puppy. A violent drunk should not have a dog. Please make sure it goes to a good home if you cannot keep it.

As for your current feelings, post on here but don't communicate with him. You know you haven't overreacted. Ignore the idiotic post trying to victim blame you for being passive-aggressive. It doesn't matter!! You have a right to be pissed off with a drunk slob on your sofa. It still does not excuse his behaviour. If he wants to stop drinking and change then he needs to prove this and be clean for at least a year and have some therapy etc. On his own volition while he is single.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2020 00:41

@Panicking40609

I’m annoyed with myself. The anger is wearing off and sadness creeping in. Thinking about how it was just him getting in my face, I feel unreasonable when he’s saying sorry. I know I shouldn’t. Can’t help it. He doesn’t know this
Sorry's easy to say.

Harder to mean.

And do you really trust him with that puppy?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 00:45

Do you want children one day?

Is this the father figure you think they deserve?

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 15/12/2020 00:45

Feeling tired at last so not going to fight it. Thank you all for tonight I will update tomorrow.

Goodnight Flowers

OP posts:
minou123 · 15/12/2020 00:49

I read a good blog once about people using "I'm sorry" to manipulate others.
What he means when he says sorry is:

I feel guilty because of what happened, and guilt isn’t a good feeling. I’m saying that I’m sorry to make myself feel better, not you.

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