Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 14/12/2020 23:49

He said he’s hit his ex. He’s told you who he is. That text is the script that abusers use. This will get worse if you let him reel you in.

Stick to your guns. Also, tell all of your friends and family what happened tonight and that he said he was violent with his ex.

I would speak to the police too, tell you are scared of him because of his actions tonight.

shelbyrae · 14/12/2020 23:50

Please let this be the end of it. No one is worth all the red flags you've mentioned.

I grew up with my mum in abusive relationships and it was so scary to see how she would promise to get rid of him after every incident and then just forget about it or somehow think he'd 'changed'. It went on for years and I ended up being removed from her care.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I really hope that you can stay strong and clear minded and get rid. It's the difference between things getting so much better or so much worse x

SweetCruciferous · 14/12/2020 23:50

@Ginfordinner

Why is he in the process of moving in with you? He needs to be in the process of moving out.

Nothing good will come of this. Raise your standards and get rid.

Couldn’t have put it better.
TenShortStories · 14/12/2020 23:51

He might be lying, he might be genuinely horrified by his behaviour and desperately sorry.

It doesn't actually matter which one it is though - violence that is calculated and violence that comes as part of an emotional outburst that is later regretted are both just as dangerous to you.

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 14/12/2020 23:55

By posting this it seems to me that you know this wasn’t okay. It’s never okay. A relationship like that cannot carry on without it becoming (more) toxic.

Ask him not to come back, block and move on. Plenty of lovely single people out there that wouldn’t put a finger on you. Not that you even need anyone for that matter!

Whatever you need in order to push yourself to end this relationship, do it/ get it. Waiting will only make it harder in the long run and is a waste of time. We’re alive for a finite number of seconds, why spend it being even remotely unhappy/ scared.

StephenBelafonte · 14/12/2020 23:55

he started drinking at 8am this morning? Didn't he have to be at work?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2020 23:56

Please, please don't fall for his bullshit apologies. He is a drunk and an abuser. He is counting on being able to gaslight you. Don't allow this to happen.

iswhois · 14/12/2020 23:57

He won't follow through with any of his promises

Block his number hard as it is

You've had a lucky escape here

minou123 · 14/12/2020 23:59

He has already started to downplay what happened.

I don't want to have ruined something else amazing cause of a drunk idiot episode

To him it is an idiotic, almost silly "episode". And because he was drunk, its excusable.

I am disgusted with myself........but that is not me

He is starting to distance himself from what he did.

UndertheCedartree · 14/12/2020 23:59

Oh, OP Flowers You are being so strong. It sounds like you've finally seen who he really is. And that is going to hurt. Stay strong, block his number and get support for yourself. Keep going, you can do this! Take very good care of yourself - you deserve it.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2020 00:01

@Panicking40609

Sorry if that’s all rambley. I’m still not thinking straight
Why is he moving in with you?? No. Just NO.
Ireallymustgotobed · 15/12/2020 00:02

My arguments (which were really more him having a massive go at me) with my ex sound so similar to your post. 7 years I let him promise me again and again it was just a mistake, it was just his mental health, he would arrange counselling, he loved me so much. We have been separated for nearly 4 years now after I finally realised it would never get better. I am still affected by the way he treated me, that gradual wearing away of my self belief and confidence. Please stay strong, take all the help you need from family and friends and keep him out of your life.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2020 00:02

@Panicking40609

He is definitely out. Ive got my spare key and I’m sticking to my guns when replying that he is not coming back into this house.
Stop replying.

Block.

BritInAus · 15/12/2020 00:03

It wasn't a drunk mistake. He will not stop drinking.
People don't usually just drink at 8am without a long term, serious, addiction.

Couple that with his violence - he is bad, bad news.

I'm so glad you've told a friend. Please keep telling all your friends, all your family. This is not your shame!!! Please, stay strong and block his number. You do not owe him an explanation nor a conversation.

You must be feeling all sorts of things right now, it's ok to cry, be angry, be sad, be disappointed and grieve the loss of what you thought you had. Please just stay strong and don't cave.

DeRigueurMortis · 15/12/2020 00:04

Yes his messages are typical and a red flag.

Drinking since 8am WTF????

Block his number.

Tell all your friends what happened to stop you faltering.

They all say they'd never hurt you - until they do...

...and can't even grasp living under the stress of potential drunken aggression is hurtful in and of itself....

Run the fuck away and then keep running from this bastard.

TheShepherdsCrown · 15/12/2020 00:04

Please get rid of this pathetic excuse of a man. You deserve better.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 15/12/2020 00:06

I took a slap once.

The next time he went for me he nearly killed me.

Keep being strong OP. And although it doesn’t feel like it, better he showed his hand now rather than later.

And drinking at 0800 is also a huge worry.

Good for you for getting him out. Keep it that way.

And I will echo this. No good will come from being in contact with him.

Keep you and your pets safe.

DeRigueurMortis · 15/12/2020 00:08

Oh and if he try's to get back in, call the police.

No hesitation. No sympathy.

Read his message "I don't want to have ruined something else amazing cause of a drunk episode".

It's not his first rodeo is it....he's got a history of fucking up relationships for drunken violence....

BigBaublesGalore · 15/12/2020 00:12

This is a massive red flag and you May have just seen his true colours in time

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 15/12/2020 00:14

I know I’ll have to see him again as his dog is still here with me. I wasn’t going to subject a puppy to being thrown out with him being drunk. But not a chance until he’s atleast sober.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2020 00:14

Please find the strength to forget him. He is right he is disgusting he has shown you who he is.
Don't ignore it or you'll find yourself or your pets on the end of his fist.
I've been there albeit a long time ago it feels like yesterday sometimes.
The beating will mentally scar you it will happen.
I'm passively aggressive to my DP too he'd never ever intimidate me.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2020 00:15

Don't let him talk you around. Have a friend deliver the pup.

SailorKerry · 15/12/2020 00:15

In those texts he says 'you're good for me'. But he is not good for you. How selfish of him. Do not let this man back into your life. Please be safe and move on. You deserve so much better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 00:16

@Panicking40609

I know I’ll have to see him again as his dog is still here with me. I wasn’t going to subject a puppy to being thrown out with him being drunk. But not a chance until he’s atleast sober.
Nope, he can send a friend to do that or you can send a friend to give the dog back to him.
jacks11 · 15/12/2020 00:17

You need to end this relationship. You’ve had a taste of what’s to come if you let this “man” move in. You know he’s been abusive to a previous partner and now you know he can and will do it again. He clearly has a drink problem too. You need to move on, he needs to be out of your life for good.

It’s very clear that he has not changed. I don’t see any evidence at all that his anger/violence is something which he has recognised was wrong, has got help and turned things around- I think it can happen, (though perhaps not common) but it absolutely requires the individual to recognise the problem and take responsibility for their actions and, perhaps most importantly, genuinely want to change. Even then it doesn’t always work. Your partner isn’t really sorry, isn’t really taking responsibility for his past actions or recent events, and is already trying to distance himself from tonight’s events so he can avoid taking responsibility for what happened. He’s also thing hard to minimise the severity of what happened.

Don’t fall for the sob story and the apologies, he doesn’t mean it (or even if he means some of it, that will only be temporary) and he will do it again and again. Or he might do a lot worse than square up to you as shout. No man is worth that risk.