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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 14/12/2020 23:12

"He hit his ex"

RED FLAG

There's currently a live thread on here from an incredibly brave woman who's just left her violent husband;the violence started before they got married;his siblings told her he'd been violent to his ex before her;3 years later she's left following escalating abuse.

Don't give yourself a chance to be her;get out now.

Your boyfriend is the reason why things like Claire's law exists.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2020 23:13

Is this regular behaviour op?

copperoliver · 14/12/2020 23:13

Are you mad why are you letting him move in with you ?

Don't let him move in tell him to stay at his own flat and walk out of his life.
He's obviously got issues drinking at 8 in the morning. X

NewlyGranny · 14/12/2020 23:14

I'm so sorry. He's not the person you thought he was. He never was that person. He never will be. He is a future faker who relaxed and showed his true colours too soon, before he had you nailed down.

You have had a narrow squeak and you will live to be grateful for this day, which gave you your life and your freedom back. Right now you need to be gentle with yourself and mourn a bit for the life you thought you would have with him. It was never real, but you believed it for a while, so it will hurt to let go.

What you need now is the stop letting him live rent-free in your head. That means blocking him every which way and going no-contact, so he doesn't weaken you by using up your energy fighting his efforts to love-bomb you back into his fantasy world.

If you waver, find a copy of "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and read it before you even consider contacting him.

Better things and nicer people are in store for you.

copperoliver · 14/12/2020 23:15

Stay strong. X

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2020 23:15

We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

What? Is that a typo and he's in the process of moving out?

Are you saying he was going back to his own place for the evening because he hasn't yet moved into your place?

Well, that is easier, if he hasn't moved in yet. You can just say NO!

Jabba2020 · 14/12/2020 23:16

He hasn't even moved in and its started.
This is just the start.
If you accept his apology this time.
Accept his behaviour.
Make allowances.
It will be worse next time and the time after that and the time after that.
You deserve more, end this immediately.

TeaLibrary · 14/12/2020 23:17

OK are you locked in and safe? Did he hurt you? I think you need to call the police. You don't want this violent scum anywhere near you or your pets. Hes an abusive drunk and no way should you be letting him in to your home again. Are you able to sit down and try to make yourself a cup of tea with plenty of sugar. Block his number on your mobile so he can't text or call you.

DowntonCrabby · 14/12/2020 23:19

You are worth so much more than this OP Flowers

Tinselandbaubauls · 14/12/2020 23:20

The fact he’s drinking at 8am is a massive red flag. Get out now .

MRC20 · 14/12/2020 23:20

Do you have a close friend or family member you could call? You're no doubt in shock. Make sure he can't get in the house and do not answer the door 🙂 if he comes back xx

Chloemol · 14/12/2020 23:21

He’s drinking early in the morning, he’s admitted hitting a previous girlfriend, and has now shown you his true colours

Time for him to go

user1473878824 · 14/12/2020 23:22

Please listen to @NewlyGranny’s excellent advice op. x

Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2020 23:26

Salutary lesson - never trust a man who hit is ex.

Hope you are ok now.

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 23:29

He is definitely out. Ive got my spare key and I’m sticking to my guns when replying that he is not coming back into this house.

OP posts:
minou123 · 14/12/2020 23:29

NewlyGranny

I'm so sorry. He's not the person you thought he was. He never was that person. He never will be. He is a future faker who relaxed and showed his true colours too soon, before he had you nailed down.

I echo what NewlyGranny has said.
Listen to this advice.

Take a deep breathe. You will be emotionally all over the place
Tomorrow, tell all you friends and family what has happened. The reason I'm giving you this advice is, he will overload you with "I'm sorry", "itll never happen again", "I didnt actually hit you, you are too sensitive" etc...
You need people, on your side to give the strength.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2020 23:29

This is horrific, op. I sincerely hope you know he can't move in and this relationship must end. To stay would be to invite disaster.

Craftycorvid · 14/12/2020 23:32

He is a violent man with an alcohol problem. You have had a glimpse of who he really is: don’t let him back into your life.

HollowTalk · 14/12/2020 23:32

You were seriously thinking of moving this man in? Are you insane?

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 23:33

The apologies and begging are already in full swing. I’m not letting myself cry. I’m blocking out all of the upset so that I can focus on the angry. I’ve told a friend what he did so that someone is able to hold me accountable if i get wobbly on being strong

OP posts:
Leaannb · 14/12/2020 23:33

@CandyLeBonBon

Is this regular behaviour op?
What does that matter? It only counts if he threatens her or hits her more than once? Once is enough
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 23:34

Thank fuck you are telling this op. Next time you may not be so lucky. Imagine a relative having to ID your body...
Keep him away. Police if necessary...

Pumpkintopf · 14/12/2020 23:34

Please please stay strong op. Don't let him convince you that this was a one off, a moment of madness because of the stress of the move, because he loves you so much... No. You should never be made to feel unsafe like this. If you start to waver, reread your original post and the many wise replies here.

DaughterOfEvilReindeer · 14/12/2020 23:35

If you let him back you are showing him that you will allow him to get away with this behaviour. He will do it again and it will escalate.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 23:36

Block him now. No good can come of contact. At all.