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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 20/12/2020 01:13

We are all here for you, OP, we understand how difficult it is. Keep talking to us.

BaskingMad · 20/12/2020 02:11

Please see tonight’s events in perspective, OP. This is a trend he is settting. Is this what you want for yourself? No. Please look after yourself, there’s too many of us here threading eggshells on daily basis due to partner’s tempers. Don’t be one of us.

Panicking40609 · 20/12/2020 12:27

Hi all. An update for you. Sorry I’m still a bit fragile so may be all over the place.

A few days ago he started back at work, I hadn’t let him here for about 3 days and his dog stayed with me. Didn’t completely stop talking during this time but very low contact and me reiterating we weren’t together.

FF to last night and I had a moment of weakness and invited him round after work as he wanted to see the dog and such. He passed out asleep at some point and we were using his phone as a hotspot for the laptop which went off so I went to put it back on and found numerous sexual messages pictures and videos to his ex, he’d downloaded datings apps and other things to secretly message on. I packed up all his things, woke him and told him to leave.

I was so determined but we ended up arguing then talking And I told him how much the drinking was an issue. He’s out right now, he knows I don’t want this. But I do love him for whatever reason

OP posts:
gypsywater · 20/12/2020 12:31

He has no respect for you. You're honestly worth more.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 20/12/2020 12:39

But I do love him for whatever reason

I'm sorry, he doesn't love you. You don't behave like this towards someone you love. Please get rid, the world is full of much, much nicer people to have relationships with.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2020 12:42

@MaryLeeOnHigh

But I do love him for whatever reason

I'm sorry, he doesn't love you. You don't behave like this towards someone you love. Please get rid, the world is full of much, much nicer people to have relationships with.

And try and unpick what you mean.

What actually is loveable about him?

Jenifirtree · 20/12/2020 13:01

You don't love him, op. You don’t even like him. What you feel is lonely.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/12/2020 13:02

You may love him but that will pass if you are strong and keep him away.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 13:04

I told him how much the drinking was an issue.

And the aggression and the sexually messaging other women and the violence towards a precious partner and the emotional abuse and the blaming you and the utter lack of giving a single fuck about you.

This man's behaviour made you worried he would hurt your cats. Threatening a woman's pets is a known tactic of abusers. Even if he didn't verbalise that threat you felt he was capable of it. You are complicit in risking not only your own safety but your pets safety.

He’s out right now, he knows I don’t want this.

No he doesn't, he knows you think you love him and that despite all of the above behaviour by him, you've continued to think that and stay with him.

You say you split up but you didn't really and now you're together again as far as he's concerned.

But I do love him for whatever reason

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He certainly doesn't respect you. He hates women. He hates you, really he does.

He hates that you had the audacity to believe (fleetingly) that you were worth more than being threatened and frightened and he feels vindicated that you've now behaved how he thinks women should. Accepting the behaviour of violent, cruel men because men are entitled to do whatever they want and women should let them.

To him, women are for fucking, using and intimidating. That's what you're for for him.

This all sounds cruel and it is not an attack on you, it is a factual and honest account of what's going on because you need to read it and take it in.

The biggest question - do you want to have children one day? If so, consider what kind of mother you want to be. If it isn't one complicit in the abuse of children and willing to create a life with someone you know to be a violent, problem drinker who has shown a total lack of responsibility, accountability or honesty - leave this man.

I really hope you can summon the strength to do so as soon as possible, before he hurts you. Or your cats.

Please read this and realise it is all true Thanks

QuantumJump · 20/12/2020 13:08

OP, it's ok to think 'I love him but this relationship isn't working for me.'

Boonlark · 20/12/2020 13:17

Sometimes we can love someone but also know that they aren't healthy for us to be with. The feelings take time to come, and they take time to go.

Also, him arguing is a tactic. He uses it to get to a point where he sounds reasonable. I've learnt that I have to pay attention to their actions much more than their words.

Is it worth writing down all the things he's done, and see if they match up with his words?

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2020 13:36

Please don't let him back.

gypsywater · 20/12/2020 13:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Has it spot on. Please heed her words.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/12/2020 14:00

Sorry but you’re being such a doormat and silly. He doesn’t give two hoots about you.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2020 14:02

OK, fine, you love him. I get that. But sometimes love is just not enough. And this is one of those times.

You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean that they are right or good for you.

You don't have to deny your feelings, you can freely say you love him. It's just the truth. But that doesn't mean that you have to act or 'give in' to those feelings. You can fight them, just as an addict fights their compulsion to use their substance of choice. Because they know that that time of indulgence will equal 10 times the misery.

Love can be 'gotten over'. Not in a day or a week, but it can and will fade against acceptance of cold, hard truth. That this man is an abuser. That he will hurt and possibly kill you. And that he doesn't care one iota if he does either. All he cares about is that HE is satisfied. That HE gets what he wants. You are only an object whose purpose is to make his life easier. He doesn't even see you as a human being. Because no one could treat someone they love, or even simply 'really like' as despicably as he's treated you.

It's hard, I know. But it can be done and you can do it. To start with you are not responsible for his dog or his job. See, right there you're simply an 'object' to provide pet care. And he's using the dog to hook you into his life. You need to cut him out of your life. Tell him you will not longer watch his dog and no longer wish any contact with him whatsoever, and block him.

Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will cry and wail. Yes, you will miss him. But that will fade and you will feel an unbelievable 'lightness' in your life. He is dragging you down into his own mud. You deserve to fly.

Coyoacan · 20/12/2020 14:31

OP, your feelings for this man are like my feelings for alcohol and cigarettes, unhealthy. I managed to give them up after many years and having undermined my health, I hope you can get rid of this man while you still have life, limb and sanity. The fastest you get rid of him, the better chance you have of meeting someone decent.

BlueThistles · 20/12/2020 14:43

Stop talking OP... get him out.. you know you deserve better than this filth... honestly you will be okay... Flowers

VinylCafe · 20/12/2020 15:57

@AcrossthePond55

OK, fine, you love him. I get that. But sometimes love is just not enough. And this is one of those times.

You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean that they are right or good for you.

You don't have to deny your feelings, you can freely say you love him. It's just the truth. But that doesn't mean that you have to act or 'give in' to those feelings. You can fight them, just as an addict fights their compulsion to use their substance of choice. Because they know that that time of indulgence will equal 10 times the misery.

Love can be 'gotten over'. Not in a day or a week, but it can and will fade against acceptance of cold, hard truth. That this man is an abuser. That he will hurt and possibly kill you. And that he doesn't care one iota if he does either. All he cares about is that HE is satisfied. That HE gets what he wants. You are only an object whose purpose is to make his life easier. He doesn't even see you as a human being. Because no one could treat someone they love, or even simply 'really like' as despicably as he's treated you.

It's hard, I know. But it can be done and you can do it. To start with you are not responsible for his dog or his job. See, right there you're simply an 'object' to provide pet care. And he's using the dog to hook you into his life. You need to cut him out of your life. Tell him you will not longer watch his dog and no longer wish any contact with him whatsoever, and block him.

Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will cry and wail. Yes, you will miss him. But that will fade and you will feel an unbelievable 'lightness' in your life. He is dragging you down into his own mud. You deserve to fly.

This 1000x. I'm also wondering if you actually love him or love being in love.

gypsywater · 20/12/2020 16:42

Would you honestly rather be with an man without any respect for you, who will end up beating you black and blue, than be alone?

Holothane · 20/12/2020 16:57

Do you want every day like this, loves fades bloody quick I can tell you, once your unhappy every day now imagine children into the mix, that’s if he’s not too drunk, angry to concieve them, the money worries, the rows the stash of drink. Will he come home, ruin Christmas again after all the others he’s ruined, dinner not right any excuse to drink. You wondering if you’ll be hit again terrified pets. Yes carry on and that will be your life.

Topseyt · 20/12/2020 17:29

If you keep allowing him back in then this behaviour will continue. It will even get worse. Much, much worse.

This is going to be your life from now onwards if you stay with this loser, or if you keep letting him back in. Do you really want that? Do you enjoy feeling the way it makes you feel and the insecurity it brings?

singlemummanurse · 20/12/2020 19:45

You don't love him, you're codependant. You need to stop thinking you can fix this man, he doesn't need you, he doesn't love you. He will love bomb you, then beat you and make you feel its all your fault so that you let the cycle repeat until either he kills you, he beats you severely enough that he goes to prison or you finally have enough that you find the strength to leave. This is not love, this has no resemblance to love. You deserve love and all the wonderful things that come with it. If you let this carry on you will have a miserable life. Coming from a nurse that has been on the ward when a woman was reluctant to leave the man that gave their kid a black eye trying to hit her when holding their innocent baby and the baby that had to be delivered prematurely as the mum had such a horrific head injury from the dad stamping on her head that she needed emergency surgery so her and her baby didn't die. Men like this don't change and he has made it clear he doesn't want to, what you allow to happen next is up to you but I guarantee you, you deserve so much better. Please get in touch with womens aid, even if you don't resolve to leave him right now please just take the time to talk to womens aid.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 20/12/2020 20:08

Oh, OP.

These things are not the same as being in love:
Being in love with the person you think he is
Being in love with the person you want him to be or think he could be, if only xy and z
Being in love with the person he says he is (I.e harangues and bullies you to believe)
Being afraid to be alone
Being afraid that you will feel a failure if a relationship breaks down
Feeling less of a reject if you stay with him

It is hard because most of us feel a little if these things when a relationship is being lost. The loss of a relationship is hard. It is a loss.

But this relationship is lost even if you stay in it.

It is just a situation in which you will find it harder and harder to function as yourself.

The sexual messages to his ex are nothing short of disgusting.

How dare he?

Find your anger.

Sending love and strength to you.

Whatever you do now, keep a little part of yourself deep inside that says ‘I am worth more than this’ and never, never let that flame go out.

Women are beaten up an average of 7 times before they leave a man.

Just saying....

WhatDoHedgehogsSay · 20/12/2020 20:46

I wonder why you think you don’t deserve more than this. You don’t love him, because this isn’t love.

CisMyArse · 20/12/2020 21:38

One chance we get at this OP.
One life.

Stop putting up with this.