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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 18/12/2020 17:25

How are you now @Panicking40609? Please don't let him stay on your sofa another night. Please call the police to ask him to leave. Flowers

KittenCalledBob · 18/12/2020 17:31

We're here for you OP Flowers

sadie9 · 18/12/2020 17:47

You are not weak. You have boundaries. There's nothing wrong about you. You don't need to be fixed. Take heart.
You are in a co-dependent dynamic. You probably learned this as a young child.
It's a learned pattern of responding. It can be unlearnt and you are already in that process. You are no worse than anyone else.

Very needy men often end up with women who put their own needs aside for the man. It's not that you don't have boundaries, it's that you put your needs aside in order to please the man and keep the relationship going.

In this pattern of responding, the woman also uses the man as a way to distract herself from her own difficult feelings.
You might notice you spend all your time thinking about him, analysing his behaviour, talking about him, him him.
Meanwhile, you don't know your own feelings because you keep sweeping them aside. You don't know your own needs.

It's not that you don't value yourself, it's that you are placing a much higher value on having a relationship at any cost. Because you learned that somewhere.
The man is doing the same. He's in the relationship for security but he treats you like an object. Some days you are 'amazing' other days you are a 'fucking bitch'. That's not 'relating' that's using you as an object to make himself feel secure.
He lovebombs you to get back in, then when the part of you that needs that has fallen for the bait, he devalues you by treating you like shit. That's all his stuff. You can't fix him.

The cost for this relationship with this particular man could be very high.
It could cost you a physical injury or even cost you your death.
You could also contact Al Anon. Get support in real life, start opening up. Look up co-dependency.
Start finding support for you, you deserve it.

cyclingmad · 18/12/2020 19:47

You need a hard shake, why are you allowing this to happen, stay strong and just say no. We're all reinforcing for you that you deserve better so use that as strength.

Homebird8 · 18/12/2020 20:06

You need a hard shake

So not just squaring up to then? Shock

OP, you are experiencing what many others have been through before you, and it’s hard. Hard to be in the midst of, seemingly harder to leave and hardest if you stay.

Is he visiting or resuming the intention to move in? Can you suggest some time before he lives with you that you can use to make less pressured decisions?

gypsywater · 18/12/2020 20:10

This man will end up eternally terrorising you and your pets :(

Holothane · 18/12/2020 20:15

Please hang in there please don’t live with Christmas drink and violence, the worry is awful, get rid off him if not for you but your cats they will feel happy again, they can sense your distress.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/12/2020 20:23

There’s nothing to think about, you’re not his saviour. He’s going to beat you up repeatedly and if you die then he’ll find another one.

cyclingmad · 18/12/2020 22:09

When I said hard shake not that her husband nees to give her one but when it was just a saying as in wake the feck up shake you would your friend to snap out of it

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2020 23:42

@Panicking40609

"I’m just losing the will to fight through atm."

Please. please get some help. Why do you feel you cannot fight him?

You know you are worth more than this.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2020 23:43

www.womensaid.org.uk/

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2020 00:56

Is he still there tonight?

I think if you can get him to go home tomorrow it will be easier for you to gather yourself together. You need to put some space between you.

Can you invent a reason that you need to be somewhere and so he needs to go home?

mathanxiety · 19/12/2020 04:34

What do you mean when you say you "don't deserve the advice and kindness"?, @Panicking40609

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2020 08:23

Is he causing trouble again OP?

QuantumJump · 19/12/2020 08:24

How are you feeling this morning OP?

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 19/12/2020 09:15

Op, I've been reading your thread this morning and I have to admit I'm worried about you.

How are you doing?

Please keep posting. There are many of us on here who found it difficult to end an abusive relationship. You absolutely do deserve support and kindness, as PPs have already said.

You are worth far more than you currently realise.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Figgygal · 19/12/2020 09:18

Oh why Op? You’re better than this

Embracelife · 19/12/2020 10:37

You can do this op
You are in control of your life
Not him

Jux · 19/12/2020 13:10

Please keep posting.

There are many women on this very site, who have been through similar to you now. Many women 'leave' multiple times before they manage to leave permanently.

Keep thinking about your kitties. They don't deserve to live with a violent thug of a drunk. You have no idea how he treats them when you're not there. Don't waste your brain thinking "he loves them", he loves you doesn't he? and yet...... why would he hold himself back on a mere animal?

Protect your pets if you find it hard to think about protecting yourself.

Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.
Contact Women's Aid.

BlueThistles · 19/12/2020 21:26

has OP gone ?

dublingirl66 · 19/12/2020 23:14

You can do it

I lost the will

Then got the fight inside of me again

Stay strong

Get the scum bag out of your life

TRIST ME HE IS PLANNING TO DO ALOT WORSE TO YOU

sazzysazz337 · 20/12/2020 00:43

OP are you okay?

I’ve just RTFT and I am genuinely so so worried

Holothane · 20/12/2020 00:47

I keep thanking my blessings as I’m away from the awful Christmas with my ex the fear of him not coming home or being drunk. Please get out while you can.

BaskingMad · 20/12/2020 01:06

Don’t let him move in... you’ve seen his face with the mask off. Just don’t. Tell him his behaviour made you rethink things and moving in is off.

Drinking from 8am?... who does that. Only someone with a drinking problem. And adding the fact he’s hit ex in the past... you don’t need to be the next punchbag.

Take care of yourself please. Imagine living like this on a regular basis, you deserve better

BaskingMad · 20/12/2020 01:07

Please do yourself a favour and get away from this man. Please.

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