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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
ScottishStottie · 17/12/2020 01:31

Please treat this forum as close friends. People that can let you know they don't agree with your decision, but that will still rally round and support when youncome to your senses.

Please please please leave him, but if you really cant atm, then please continue posting ❤

YouokHun · 17/12/2020 01:42

Probably will be the last time I post on this thread as I don’t deserve the advice and kindness.
He’s on the couch, I have been weak and he’s still being horrible. I know it’s not fair to feel sorry for myself as it’s my own doing. I don’t want this yet here he is and I’ve allowed it. I’m so confused

Please try to speak to Women’s Aid and to someone in RL @Panicking40609 who can help you get perspective on his behaviour and who you can go to next time things escalate. You ARE deserving of kindness and there is some advice on this thread that you should listen to.

Belepheron · 17/12/2020 06:35

You poor thing OP, you are confused and struggling. Keep posting whenever you need or want to. This is not thank god a forum only for perfect people who make perfect decisions. Life is bloody hard and we all need all the support we can get. I'll be here for you and I know others will be too. Try and work on your self esteem and confidence. Keep a diary. That can really help you to see patterns, themes and the sheer weight of evidence.

Anotheronetwo · 17/12/2020 06:35

You deserve kindness. It's okay to post again if you need to. It's okay that you didn't manage to get rid of him last night - it was not your only chance to make that decision. You can still end things when you're ready. Tell someone in real life. Keep asking for support. Do not resign yourself to a horrible future. Life can be better than this.

MsTSwift · 17/12/2020 06:43

Oh dear. Leaving a relationship not nearly as bad as yours was quite possibly the best choice I ever made. You don’t need a man at any cost. You won’t be able to have a family if you stay with him 🙁

ChaToilLeam · 17/12/2020 06:48

OP, he has hit a woman in the past, he was threatening to you, you fear he will hurt your cats, he abuses alcohol, you don’t even want him there!

Make him leave, and never let him back, otherwise you will be living in fear. Contact Women’s Aid and get support, it will be so much harder if he is actually living with you.

BackwardsGoing · 17/12/2020 06:53

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to OP? I'm worried that he will really hurt you one day. Or your pets. Please keep reading this thread, people are here to support you.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/12/2020 06:59

OP, you need some professional help. You are in danger and are unable to recognise the gravity of the situation. You are unable to help yourself. Please urgently contact Women’s Aid, your GP, the police, some organisation that can offer you advice and assistance.
From the outside, it’s blindingly, terrifyingly obvious where this is headed. I would bet my bottom dollar that you’ll be pregnant shortly. As the product of an abusive marriage myself, please don’t do that to a child. There are no winners and it would be very wrong of both of you to subject a child to this. This man is violent, and now he knows that he doesn’t even have to make a convincing show of remorse or decency in order to win you back, things are likely to get much worse very quickly.
Again, please urgently contact an organisation who can help you. Today. You are not safe.

Boonlark · 17/12/2020 07:06

Keep posting. It's really easy to fall back into the familiar when you have an abusive partner. And it's really hard to end it. Those of us who've been there aren't going to judge you.

I would recommend avoiding getting pregnant if you can though, you do not want to be linked to him for life.

GlorianaCervixia · 17/12/2020 07:09

OP, it takes most women multiple attempts to leave a relationship. There's nothing wrong with you, he's got you in the cycle of abuse and this is the part where he promises the world, behaves slightly better to make you doubt yourself.

Look here and see if any of it sounds familiar: www.envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

You shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself or embarrassed. Keep talking here or contact women's aid. Just one step at a time.

Jabba2020 · 17/12/2020 07:11

OP, please keep posting. Its such a hard thing to do as you can still see and desperately want the nice life with the nice guy you wanted.
You can have that OP, but not with him. Not with the aggressive violent drunk who chose to scare you, abuse you because it makes him feel better and more in control.
Keep posting, if you don't end it right now you haven't failed, you have the power to take back that control whenever you want. Keep telling everyone what he does, its not easy OP but you're halfway there, you need to continue being strong for you, your pets, your future children.

QuantumJump · 17/12/2020 07:15

We are here to support you OP.

Thespidersweb · 17/12/2020 07:19

@Panicking40609

Probably will be the last time I post on this thread as I don’t deserve the advice and kindness. He’s on the couch, I have been weak and he’s still being horrible. I know it’s not fair to feel sorry for myself as it’s my own doing. I don’t want this yet here he is and I’ve allowed it. I’m so confused.

All I can say is thank you to you all for the past few day

Don’t stop posting.

Leaving some one is incredibly hard. Lots of people can’t just flip a switch and be done. It took me a while to leave my abusive ex.

However. You know this isn’t right and it does need to end - and quickly.

He is an alcoholic and violent with it too. He will hurt you - and possibly your animals.

AND you can still tell him to leave.

Just plan it better. Once he has walked through the door block his number or switch your phone off. Or buy a new phone.

Please don’t feel confused or cornered or guilty - you still have lots of options. Flowers

PM me if you’d like to chat. It took me 4 attempts to finally get rid of my ex.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2020 07:31

@Panicking40609 It is okay. Please keep posting if you need too. X

RandomMess · 17/12/2020 07:35
Thanks

It's hard to end a relationship like this.

Please contact Woman's Aid, please do Claire's Law to get the whole truth.

Take it one step at the time.

HomeTheatreSystem · 17/12/2020 07:46

OP like other PPs I feel you are at greater risk now than before: he has been calculating in seeing how far he can push you and what you will tolerate. This can only get worse.

As you've seen, there's a world of difference between saying sorry and being genuinely remorseful. Were he in any way a decent person he'd have been horrified at his actions in hitting his ex and sought out professional help. But he isn't remotely decent and it will only be a matter of time before he physically assaults you or attacks your pets. For some reason, you seem to believe that you deserve to be treated like this. What is driving that? Is there anything in your family history that has conditioned you to accept this treatment?

Please do 5 things for yourself whilst you come to terms with how to extricate yourself from this situation.

Contact Women's Aid
Read this book by Lundy Bancroft:
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Follow up on the Clare's Law enquiry
Do the Freedom Programme
Go for counselling with a good therapist

Please also count your blessings and do not let them slip away. You are not financially dependent on him, there are no children in the picture and you have your own home. You are in a stronger position than many in this situation. If a clean break is too much for you to deal with, tell him you need time and space to think about your future and he needs to be elsewhere while you do this.

Hopefully you will come to see in time that you want a loving relationship with him and he wants someone to control and abuse. If he stays, he will give you enough of the good stuff to keep you hanging in there but he will also be sure to give himself pleasure from seeing you slowly fragment into a shadow of your former self as you suffer his ever increasing abuse.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 17/12/2020 07:50

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..
Why can't you block him? It's not as if you need to communicate about anything in particular, is it?

You know this wasn't just you being "moody" and the fact that he is now trying to put the blame on you is a classic abuser's tactic. A man with a history of violence threatened you to the point you were terrified he was about to attack you. You haven't over-reacted in the least.

NoddyWithAVoddy · 17/12/2020 08:33

The minute he told me that he had hit his ex, he would be gone. I wouldn't want to be near any man who raised his hand to a woman, much less thinks its acceptable to do so.

june2007 · 17/12/2020 08:37

Noddywithavoddy i do agree to an extent but raising hand to anyone. (man or women does not make a difference.)

GorgonzolaSouffle · 17/12/2020 08:41

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MRex · 17/12/2020 08:47

@Panicking40609 - at any time you can "pop out to the shops;, go to a police station and ask for help. You don't need to prove anything, they will help you with getting him out of your flat. You have seen how he changes, and how horrible he is. You don't deserve this and if you can make the effort now to remove him then you don't have to deal with the added difficulty of him saying it's his home and he has possessions there, which will mean additional time to get rid of him.
My friend returned many times to an abusive prison, and ended up with a brain injury from them. You deserve much better, please grab this chance to escape him. X

MRex · 17/12/2020 08:48

(Abusive person, sorry for the typo)

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 17/12/2020 09:12

OP, as others have said, keep posting.

Please do the Clares Law request. You stopped it last time, but please follow it through. A man like this will not have told you the truth, he will have blamed his ex. You are seeing his true colours.

He is not going to change, he is going to keep on drinking and being aggressive. Do you really choose to live that life?

ForeverBubblegum · 17/12/2020 09:14

Keep posting if it helps op, lots of people take multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Any support we can give will still be hear wether it's your first attempt or 50th.

If you're not ready for a full brake, you can still take steps to protect yourself. You said he was 'in the process' of moving in, could you say you need space to think and put the move on hold? Or if not possible, at least make sure to keep your finances separate, keep in touch with friends and family and make sure your on a good contraceptive. Also, restart your Clairs law application, the version of events he told you will be white washed to minimize his actions, you need to know the full truth of what your dealing with.

beavisandbutthead · 17/12/2020 09:15

Keep posting here, dont isolate yourself away because this cuts off your support. Please do however continue with Clares law as i think that is important

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