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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why won't he move in?

299 replies

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:20

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/12/2020 17:22

Have you asked him for a definite date? It seems like maybe he likes having his own space and doesn't really intend to move in

StephenBelafonte · 12/12/2020 17:23

Could you move in with him instead? Or is he the same about that?

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 17:25

I hate to say it but it’s because he doesn’t want to.

Rainbowshine · 12/12/2020 17:25

How is he planning on caring for you and the baby in the early newborn days? Has that been discussed? Otherwise is he doing the procrastination to avoid that? I think you need to have some expectations set here that he needs to step up before the baby arrives.

FelicityPike · 12/12/2020 17:26

He obviously doesn’t want to.
I would prepare to be a single parent.

VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 17:27

There is only one possibility.
He doesn't want to.

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:28

I have asked him for a definite date, he has given me one, then another, then another!

I can't move in with him as I have my children during the week they are all at school here, he lives 45 minutes away so don't want to uproot my kids school. Plus my house is bigger.

It does sound as if he doesn't want to, but he insists he does, and he genuinely seems to miss me at weekends, that's why I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 12/12/2020 17:29

He doesn’t want to move 45 minutes from his life. He’s trying to keep the door open.

StephenBelafonte · 12/12/2020 17:30

It's odd you don't see him at the week-end . Are you sure he's single?

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 17:31

If he wanted to he would op. I’m sorry but actions speak louder than words.

HolyBuckets · 12/12/2020 17:31

If he wanted to he would have.

Growapair · 12/12/2020 17:31

It sounds as if he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t want to. Otherwise he’d be there. He’s telling you what you want to hear while trying to think of a way out of this. I’d fully prepare to become a single mother just in case. Do you have proof of his earnings in case it comes to claiming maintenance etc?

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:32

How is he planning on caring for you and the baby in the early newborn days? Has that been discussed? Otherwise is he doing the procrastination to avoid that? I think you need to have some expectations set here that he needs to step up before the baby arrives.

He says by the time the baby is here he will 100% be living with me. He says he wants to be here.

If it came to it and I have to be a single parent then so be it, I've told him that too! I'm not scared to be alone, I have had a newborn on my own before and I can do it again, but we get on well, are happy together and he has said he wants his future with me and our children.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 12/12/2020 17:33

Sorry op but he's full of shit. Dump the loser and focus on your kids and future baby.

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:34

We do meet up at weekends sometimes with the kids, but only for lunch or a day out.

Yes I agree with those saying if he wanted to he would! And I also agree actions speak louder than words.

I know what he earns and yes I do have proof of it because we were looking for somewhere to rent that was sort of in the middle but we haven't been successful finding anywhere which is why we agreed he would move into my house for now.

OP posts:
Alonelonelyloner · 12/12/2020 17:37

He doesn't want to.
Being a mother to his child will last approximately a lifetime longer than your life with this man.

0nlineDes1gn · 12/12/2020 17:41

Perhaps a case of - his actions speak louder than his words ?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 17:44

Does his dd and ex know about your baby?

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:47

Does his dd and ex know about your baby?

Yes they both know. His daughter seems happy about it, he told his ex months ago that he would be moving in with me, and she knows about the baby.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 17:48

Maybe he doesn't want to uproot his daughter just as you don't want to uproot yours. Maybe he thinks it's too soon for his dd.
At a guess, when the baby arrives, he'll carry on spending weeks with you and weekends with his dd until he is ready.

Daphnise · 12/12/2020 17:48

You have only known each other 5 minutes, yet are pregnant and expect him to move in.
He won't, and I can't say I'm surprised. It's too much, too quick.

So there's little alternative but to accept it- you'll be a lone parent and he'll be a part time parent. Maybe.....

axile234 · 12/12/2020 17:52

Clearly you can see if he moves in with you that's all his freedom gone. And further more . He's treating you like a mushroom . keeping you in the dark and feeding you on shit . Talks cheap. Action speaks louder than words.

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:53

@Mintjulia he hasn't said that's the case at all, and he wouldn't be uprooting her as she is with her mum during the week so will go to school as normal, no need for her to change schools.
And I've made it clear to him if we are not living together when the baby is born I won't be continuing the relationship with him and we will co parent. Everything was discussed when we decided to have this baby, I didn't put words in his mouth he said it's what he wanted.

OP posts:
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:54

@axile234 I wouldn't say he has much freedom anyway, he spends the week with me, and has his daughter all weekend, so to be honest he doesn't really go out! He would have far more freedom living with me as he could actually see friends weekends while I'm home with the kids.

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 12/12/2020 17:55

To be fair, I wouldn’t move in with someone after a year. He doesn’t want to. That’s why he hasn’t.

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