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Original poster

Why won't he move in?

299 replies

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:20

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 12/12/2020 17:57

I think he's quite sensible TBH
as long as he's with you most of the time why shouldn't he keep his own home? You've been together a minute and got pregnant in no time at all.

litterbird · 12/12/2020 17:57

I suspect due to the relationship being so rushed and the pregnancy after 5 minutes of meeting you he may well be having cold feet. Think you need to prepare for raising the baby alone for now. He may come round later on. He hasn't moved in because he doesn't want to. Sorry OP.

ScalpHelp · 12/12/2020 17:57

Seems like he’s having second thoughts about living with you/a newborn

LisaLee333 · 12/12/2020 17:57

@baublesforme He definitely doesn't want to commit.

You got pregnant VERY soon after you met. Was this baby planned? I especially mean by him ??? I can't imagine any man dating a woman for 14-15 weeks and thinking 'heyyy, let's have a baby!'

Seafog · 12/12/2020 18:02

So if he gave you a date, and it came and went, and it happened again, did he give reasons why?
Also, living together is hard, especially as you only known each other a year, so I can see why he is not jumping on it.
If he wanted to live with you, he'd be there now.

nimbuscloud · 12/12/2020 18:08

Maybe he thinks it may be better for your children if he doesn’t move in
Maybe he thinks it’s better for his own child not to part of a blended family at weekends
Maybe he just doesn’t want to

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 18:09

But OP, your dp needs to find a way to ensure his dc is happy too. Bide your time, it is still early in your relationship.

FallingStar21 · 12/12/2020 18:10

What a dickhead - fine if he doesn't want to move in but to keep lying to you like this? You deserve the respect to know the reason. Stop being patient with him, stop begging for and awaiting answers. His (non) actions have shown you enough and he will most likely continue to string you along.

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 18:10

Baby wasn't planned by any of us. But I was the one with doubts of going ahead with the pregnancy, I was the one worried about it being too soon, how it would affect my other children, how it would be ok financially, he didn't, he made it clear he wanted this baby from the very beginning.

If he doesn't want to move in, that's ok, I've said all along that's ok, I'm confident we would co parent just fine, i have no doubts about him ring a good father. My issue is, he keeps saying he wants to, and that he will, it just doesn't seem to happen.

It's obvious from the replies that the only reason he hasn't moved in is because he doesn't want to, and I'm going to have to accept that. But when I've asked him, and said do you not want to live together? He says of course I do, and we will!

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 18:13

If he has concerns about moving in, he hasn't told me. I've asked him time and time again if there is a reason he doesn't want to, he says that there is no reason and that he wants to and that he will!

He's had plenty of chances he could tell me it's not what he wants, but he insists it is.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 12/12/2020 18:14

Well he obviously doesnt feel ready for some reason! Do you think he is getting cold feet now?Its one thing talking about it, and another actually doing it physically so to speak.I would have a heart to heart with him and say that you need to be together FT ,or its not happening at all and stick to it.

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 18:15

You're right @dottiedodah. Yes I think that's what I need to do unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 18:16

He could be getting cold feet yes... I guess that's what's happening 😔

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 18:18

So your kids are going to have the sudden arrival of a baby and your boyfriend moving in to contend with? How selfish of him to expect them to deal with that in an even shorter timeframe than the possible one you had - obviously you getting pregnant so early on meant it would always be a huge impact on your existing kids.

To be honest maybe it's better for your kids for you to delay him moving in for a while, because if he moves in last minute before baby arrives and it doesn't work out then they're going to have to contend with yet another change if he leaves again.

I think I would be saying to him that he's made it clear moving in isn't a priority, so for the sake of stability for all the kids involved (yours, his, and baby on the way) you think it best he help as much as possible but not to officially move in until he's shown it's a priority for him as you're not willing to drag him there unwilling when you'll have so much on your plate already.

I wouldn't feel ready to move in with someone with children after a year, as I would feel it's way too soon for those children to have a parents partner move in. But of course that's rather complicated by the fact you're having a baby together.

Clymene · 12/12/2020 18:21

"And I've made it clear to him if we are not living together when the baby is born I won't be continuing the relationship with him and we will co parent."

Well obviously this is why he's stalling. He knows you'll end the relationship if he tells you he doesn't want to move in.

im5050 · 12/12/2020 18:21

If he wants to move in he will
It’s his actions that matter not his words and his actions are saying No Fucking Way
I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate either

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 18:24

@Clymene

"And I've made it clear to him if we are not living together when the baby is born I won't be continuing the relationship with him and we will co parent."

Well obviously this is why he's stalling. He knows you'll end the relationship if he tells you he doesn't want to move in.

Ah I missed this. Yes this seems clear, he wants to stay together but not to move in and due to the ultimatum he knows you won't go for that so he's stalling.
SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 18:26

I think it's time for deadline talk op. You're 8 months which really means baby could come anytime now.

What's his loving situation? Renting? So needs to give notice.
If you have birth next Friday night would he being his daughter and be with you or say see you Monday?

If it's a deal breaker, you must make it clear out are you willing to continue as you are?

If he's at yours all week does he work?

Namechange8471 · 12/12/2020 18:28

How old are your children op?

Are they excited about him moving in? Will they be dissapointed?

Just thinking it may be best to put the hold on the whole relationship for a while. Like pps have said, new sibling and new adult moving in is a big step, even worse if it goes tits up.

vanillandhoney · 12/12/2020 18:28

When did you give him the ultimatum?

Are you really going to break up with him and become a single parent if he doesn't move in with you before your due date?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 18:28

I wouldn't feel ready to move in with someone with children after a year, as I would feel it's way too soon for those children to have a parents partner move in. But of course that's rather complicated by the fact you're having a baby together. He's only they're when the kids are though, so to them he's basically already living there. When he does home they go to dad's

Coffeeeeandcake · 12/12/2020 18:29

Honestly OP, a man makes is very, very obvious if he wants to be with you. If he is t trying to be with you as often as possible it’s because he doesn’t want to be.

litterbird · 12/12/2020 18:30

He's probably quite scared at everything. He is just telling you what you want to hear but the actions are opposite. He is trying to balance his 5 year old and the enormous responsibility of a new born with someone he barely knows. Thats terrifying....arent you terrified OP? This is such a huge life event with blended families to work out. You don't say much about how you feel about him and you have made it clear you will go on your own with the baby if necessary. It sounds very practical without any emotions involved.

1forAll74 · 12/12/2020 18:31

Sounds like he is still assessing things, despite what he says to you, and he does not like you making all the plans for everything.

Shingleballs · 12/12/2020 18:31

It seems like he’s prioritising his oldest child by spending time with them on their own.
Does he feel like moving in with you and your children, and then a baby coming all within a year might be too much for her. It’s a lot for both of your kids to take in really.

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