Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

My bad - wrong thread!!!

I wasn't going to come in on this one but monkeymonkey made some valid points, albeit a little harsh.
The decision to go ahead with the pregnancy came from both OP and her DP, but at the end of the day the final decision always rests with the woman., as it should. There is nothing wrong in pointing that out as it is always relevant to these type of discussions.

There are far more aggressive and nasty posts on MN that get by without being deleted. I sometimes think that the person reporting the post either can't tolerate seeing a valid but opposing view in print or it might just be that the post has genuinely gone too far. In this case I am not saying the person that reported monkeymoneky did it for either of these reasons.

Please would you let us know what happens OP, if you don’t mind OP.

It's difficult for you both! Obviously you have lots going through your mind, he does too. I'm sure he's more than a little scared and feels under a lot of pressure.

If you can I would just let it bounce along until after the birth if necessary. If once the baby's feet hit the ground, if he's still not interested, then you have problems. I would hate to see either of you push the other into a regretful decision.

@Bluntness100

I hate to say it but it’s because he doesn’t want to.

100% this!

How are you OP... are you doing okay..

@BlueThistles things are ok thank you, I'm waiting to see if he actually does move in next weekend like he's said he will, I said id give him till then.

Oh dear. I’ve been following this thread. He has you by a string OP.

I also think it’s quite selfish of you to move a man in because you have fallen pregnant quite quickly. I don’t see how this plan is beneficial to your children or his DD.

Why does he get to call all the shots?
He’s made his reluctance clear.
Focus on you and your kids.

I just keep thinking about your 4 existing children OP, and the fact that in the past year they’ve had zero time alone with you. They’ve gone from being just you and them, to suddenly having a stranger there the entire time they’re with you. And 3 months into that set-up (and at the start of the pandemic whilst they must’ve been trapped at home) finding out there’d be a 5th sibling by this random man they’d just met. Not only that but they’ve had to contend with meeting and getting to know your boyfriend’s daughter (a tricky step in any family blending), and now your kids aren’t sure whether or not their Christmas weekend will spell the blending of two households or not. This would be a HUGE shift/step in any kids’ lives, and the fact you’ve allowed yourself to be manoeuvred into a position where you’re unable to tell your four children what their Christmas light look like just a week beforehand is pretty depressing to me.

I’m not meaning to have a go at you OP. I’m sure your situation feels difficult.
But it’s your children I really feel for. This amount of constant change and this sort of uncertainty is likely to have long-term effects on them.

Is he getting grief from his child's mother or is he nervous to tell his child or his ex?

@londonscalling no she knows we're planning to move in together, she knows about the baby ect. In fact, she's surprised we haven't moved in together already!

@MuckyPlucky you clearly haven't read the full thread. He is not a random man they just met 🙄. They've known him years, they've been living with him for 5 months now and get on just fine so your concerns about my 4 existing children are not needed. I didn't post here on advice about my children, I posted about my relationship. Most people on here have been super helpful and made me realise I've been a mug so I'm trying my best to sort it. My kids dad was an abusive narcissistic prick, still is actually, so I find it hard to set boundaries In relationships.

Is he supposed to be moving in on Boxing Day .. he won't be able to now will he with lock down or will he ? it's a strange time to be moving in right? why not Christmas Eve ?

Day after Boxing Day, it was just the day that we decided on. We have continued seeing each other through all the lockdowns so that won't make a difference. I'm about to have his baby, he's my birthing partner so there's no way we won't be seeing each other regardless

I hope he stays true to his word OP... wishing you a very Merry Christmas

Thank you @BlueThistles I will update on here either way.

Good luck with tomorrow.

Today's the day OP, how is it going?

What is he going to do with his place if he moves into yours?

I hope there is a big ass white van unloading outside your house right now OP!!

His dads going to live there for a while by the sounds of it, so won't be empty.

Well... he's not made any movements so far. He's messaged me this morning, but nothing about coming here or moving in. So we will see. He knows the score. I'm still serious, I'm not backing down.

I hope you are okay OP, sorry it's turned out like this.

Don’t do this to yourself OP and your children.

The man does not want to move in with you. His actions are reluctant and I can bet if he does move in it won’t last.

Anybody who moves in with you needs to do it on their accord

It won't make any difference to my children because he's here already whenever they are.

Anyway, he has done it...! I'm in shock.