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Original poster

Why won't he move in?

299 replies

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:20

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

OP posts:
wimhoffbreather · 12/12/2020 22:15

@baublesforme

Well he would come with me to have his name on the birth certificate, I couldn't imagine him not. He does help with the kids yes, he will cook sometimes, will tidy up a bit occasionally but I do most of it, I suppose I've thought that normal because he technically doesn't live here. I will ask him to contribute next time I see him, see what he says. He works full time yes, I have no idea what he spends his money on, he only has bills at his house, so he must be saving a lot I suppose.
But just cause he comes with you that doesn’t mean your baby has to have his name....what do you want here? Do you want to give your baby his name even if he is not living with you?

As honeyroar says you need to challenge him when he says shit like “but you know I love you”. He’s just placating you op.

I think he’s realized he likes his life as it is, living alone, seeing his kid at the weekend...he’s trying to get into position to do this with your baby

Wolfiefan · 12/12/2020 22:19

He will cook sometimes?
He’s not all in is he OP?

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 22:26

I think he’s realized he likes his life as it is, living alone, seeing his kid at the weekend...he’s trying to get into position to do this with your baby

Well he can, but he won't be in a relationship with me if that's the case.

Nope he's not @Wolfiefan 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 22:29

I don't know @wimhoffbreather. I was planning on the baby having his surname yes, but now I'm not so sure. My first child, I wasn't with her dad when she was born, he is on her birth certificate but I have her my surname, my reasons back then was that I'd never marry her dad, I wanted her to have my name so that's what I did. So maybe I'll do that this time.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 12/12/2020 22:43

He hasn't moved in because he doesn't want to. He's not committed to you in that way and he likes his own space. You explaining all the benefits of it to him (not that you should have needed to. Why...?) won't necessarily make him budge. It hasn't so far, has it?

I don't know why some pp's are saying it's a 'big step' for him. He's a grown bloody man not a scared teen that needs coddling having found out he's going to be a father.

You're pregnant & you didn't do that alone nor did he use protection, I assume?

He needs to man up tell you the score one way or the other so you can plan. I'm sure you're scared too but you'll get on with life and whatever changes have to be made.

Cakles2010 · 12/12/2020 22:47

I think you need to be really firm here you've said you've gave him an ultimatum but you've not stuck to it so he's able to string you along as he thinks you'll agree to this current situation.

Will be hard for you op but ultimately you say you'll be happy to parent alone so make that known to him and tell yourself if he doesnt make a choice your doing it alone

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 22:50

The thing is, this commitment was made very early on in your relationship before he really understood what he was committing too. The reality of living in a house with five kids and financially supporting will have unfolded much more since then. I suspect he just likes spending time alone with his daughter at the weekends and to have his own space to come snd go to,

User775633244 · 12/12/2020 22:54

@Bluntness100

The thing is... He's an adult and needs to be communicating this to the OP. You might be comfortable treating grown men like children who are allowed to just string others along because they changed their mind. I happen to expect adults to be more mature than that.

Nothing has changed but his viewpoint. So he needs to grow up and face the consequences. Or should the OP just let him string her along some more?

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 22:54

@Bluntness100 he said not even a couple weeks ago that he wants to live with me properly and he even said he wants to get married! He also isn't going to be financially supporting me and my kids, not really, I work, I also get maintenance from the kids dad, so he will only have to contribute his share, he won't be paying for everything.

I'm having a long hard think at the moment on what to do from here

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 12/12/2020 22:55

Definitely don't give the baby his surname!
Hope it works out OP.

Givemeabreak88 · 12/12/2020 22:58

The reality is he wants to have his own space to be able to go to when he wants a “break” from you and the kids, that’s the reality, my ex was the same, kept telling me how great it was to have his own space, he would come and stay at mine for 3/4 days, expect sex, expect cleaning and cooking whilst he put his feet up then went back to his for another 3/4 days when he wanted a break, he never moved in, funnily enough when we broke up you know what he did, met a woman and moved her in after meeting her ONCE, six weeks after we broke up, it wasn’t about not wanting to live with anyone it was about not wanting to live with me and have the family unit, he liked having little responsibility and leaving me to do most of the work. If he came round and I asked him to change a nappy I would get “it’s your turn” because he did it last, yeh it was “my turn” for the whole 4 days you weren’t here, Trust me you will start to resent him!

Givemeabreak88 · 12/12/2020 23:00

My ex also “wanted”’to marry me, it never happened funnily enough, you do sound a bit naive sorry, I was 21 when I was with my ex but for someone who I’m guessing is much older and has 4 children you do sound rather naive.

Hunnihun2 · 12/12/2020 23:01

@Inaseagull

Does he contribute to your household while staying there all week? Help with shopping and bills and housework?

Are you sure he has his DD every weekend and not just eow?

This with bells on
momtoboys · 12/12/2020 23:02

I'm so confused. Your oldest has his fathers surname, you other 3 have their fathers surname, you go by your maiden name now so if you give the newest baby your maiden surname he or she will be the only one that shares a name with you? For that reason alone I would give new baby dads surname. Oh, and to answer your question, he doesn't want to move in with you. It can't get much clearer.

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 23:02

@Givemeabreak88 yeah this is what worries me. I'm already starting to resent him, so I just know I will when the baby is here and we're in this same situation. There's no way I'm going to have him here during the week and go home weekends when baby is here, absolutely no way.

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 23:04

No my eldest has my name. Then I married someone else, had 3 children with him, so they all had his surname. We divorced, I now have my maiden name again so the same as my eldests.

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 23:08

Maybe I have been naive but I only said about him wanting to marry me because someone said that he had obviously changed his mind... I'm 30 by the way and I'm in no hurry to remarry, he knows this.

OP posts:
MacbookHo · 12/12/2020 23:14

I’d say his ex has “thoughts” about his moving in with you and won’t let him have his DD if she does.

TwentyViginti · 12/12/2020 23:17

He lives with you for free 5 days a week. If he moved in, he knows he'd have to pay his share of food and bills.

Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 23:27

@MacbookHo no trust me that's not the case at all. She knows we are having a baby and knows we planned to move in together

OP posts:
Original poster
baublesforme · 12/12/2020 23:31

@TwentyViginti well this thread has made me see the light... I'm going to tell him he's not staying here Monday to Friday anymore. He's been doing exactly what suits him, well it doesn't suit me.

OP posts:
SatishTheCat · 12/12/2020 23:38

I think you are wise and are making the right decision. I hope it works out for you Flowers

Honeyroar · 12/12/2020 23:44

Yes I think you need to put your foot down a bit and call the shots. He will hopefully show his cards - one way or the other...

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2020 00:15

@litterbird

Moving in with your 4 children, 2 from different dads, introducing a new baby into the world that has a different father then add his 5 year old into the mix is very challenging for the most stable of relationships. I admire your positivity in thinking all this is a good idea and you are not scared at all. I truly think your current partner is terrified of the situation. He will be moving in with children who are living by different rules between you and the fathers of your children, rules that he has for your child together then the rules how he raises his 5 year old with his ex. Can you understand the dilemma he may be facing? Both of you need to step back and think seriously about what is best for the children.
He's been staying there all week when the kids are there. If he's worried that op has different rules to him and he won't be able to parent his child the way he wants to whilst living with her, he needs to pull up his big girl pants and stop lying. It isn't like he sees op a few night a week without the kids there and doesn't know how their household works
itsoffical · 13/12/2020 00:30

It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds and shouldn't be moving in.
Good luck I hope it all goes well with the new baby.

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