Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

Does he contribute to your household while staying there all week? Help with shopping and bills and housework?

Are you sure he has his DD every weekend and not just eow?

I had this exact same situation, got pregnant early on but the father refused to live together or move in despite saying he wanted to make a go of the relationship, this went on for years and I hanged on way longer than I should have as he would always promise that eventually we would, he would stay here them go back to his for a few days leaving me to do all the work alone then wouldn’t see why I got annoyed, he treated coming her like a hotel, he even said coming to my house was “like a holiday” trust me for my experience he may never change his mind and move in, my ex didn’t. He would always have some excuse like “oh all my friends partners said they would prefer it this way” the thing is we both didn’t have other kids from previous relationships to worry about either.

@baublesforme

I will be putting him on birth certificate, whatever happens, I don't have any doubts about him being a good dad. Baby was going to have his surname, but now I'm not sure. 3 of my children don't have my surname already, I was married when I had them so they have their dads, I've gone back to my maiden name now.

I'm still adamant that being in a relationship and raising the baby living separately wouldn't work for me. When we said we would have this baby, it was agreed we would live together and he would help support me financially. If he's gone back on this, that's his right, but I also have the right to not do something I don't feel comfortable with. I've had to have a lot of time off work due to pregnancy related illness, I'm struggling financially as it is, while he is comfortable, well off even! So I'm starting to resent him for that anyway. That's the problem I think, him not moving in like he said he would is causing resentment. I definitely don't want to force him though so I'm going to take some of your advice and stop with the ultimatum.

You're sure Jan? Had he given you any money for the baby's things? Cots, travel system etc?

I can understand not wanting to rush into living with someone- and a year in is pretty early for that decision. However if you’ve decided to have a baby with someone you’re in a relationship with surely you’re past the stage of dithering over living together, you’ve decided on an even bigger commitment anyway. Personally I’d tell him that his empty promises are starting to stress you, which isn’t great when pregnant, and he needs to step up and be a little more open and honest about his feelings and why he isn’t. I’d say I wasn’t putting pressure on, if he doesn’t want to that’s fine, but he needs to start talking. And I wouldn’t be skipping along playing the happy girlfriend at this point either, I’d be making plans for doing this alone.

Do all your kids have different Dad’s?
Maybe he doesn’t want to support you all financially.

I'll try and answer some of the questions... yes he has bought things for baby, pretty much everything actually, pushchair car seat clothes ect, he has bought all that. He hasn't contributed financially to my household bills or rent though. He definitely has his daughter every weekend, 100%. I have 4 children, eldest from a long term boyfriend 12 years ago, and my other 3 are from my marriage that broke down a few years ago. They all go to their dads from Friday to Sunday.
I'm not scared to be a single parent, I've done it before, I can do it again, but I don't want to, I do love this man and we have a great relationship generally. I just know that I'll resent him if we continue as we are when baby is here and I don't want that, I also don't think that's healthy for the kids or anyone.

Does he know money is tight op? Who is paying to feed him 5 days a week?

Do all your kids have different Dad’s?
Maybe he doesn’t want to support you all financially.

he said from the beginning he would help support us financially. I don't need him to support us completely my children's dads pay fair maintenance and I also work. As I've already said, my eldest has a different dad to my other 3, so no, not all different dads, not sure why that even matters though!

@SleepingStandingUp yeah he does know money is tight, I cook for us during the week when he's here, so me.

If he's there 5 nights out of 7, why isn't he contributing to rent or bills?
That sounds like cocklodger territory to me.

Thanks @Honeyroar, it is starting to stress me out, it's just frustrating.

He sent me his usual message tonight saying "I miss you so much, wish I was with you" so I said well it's your decision that we're not together right now! So he says "but you know I love you" he just avoids any mention of it. It's driving me nuts.

@Plumplumbadum not sure really, I'm realising maybe I'm being a bit of a mug 😩

[quote baublesforme]@SleepingStandingUp yeah he does know money is tight, I cook for us during the week when he's here, so me. [/quote]
I'm struggling to think the best of a guy who has no mortgage, works, only has 1 child to pay towards and will happily sit on your house 5 nights a week eating food you've paid for and never think to grab a bag of groceries.

I'm glad he's paying towards baby already, make sure if it goes tits up you know the minimum he should be paying.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what sort of fella lets a mum of four feed and house him for five nights without contributing. Not a decent one that's for sure. He knows you're struggling, you're carrying his child.
He may have bought the baby equipment, but he convinced you to carry on with the pregnancy despite your doubts. Also, the money he's saved from his living costs must have paid for a lot of it.

So, he is there four/ five days a week. What's that like for him. Are you providing all meals etc? Electricity, WiFi, watching TV together? What does he offer and what does he pay for?

@lalafafa

Do all your kids have different Dad’s? Maybe he doesn’t want to support you all financially.

Well he's just as responsible for the pregnancy and he's the one who said he definitely wanted the baby. So maybe he should of thought about that before having sex with her.

Not that there's anything wrong with your relationship history op

@User775633244 he doesn't pay for anything.... he has bought everything needed for the baby but no he doesn't help with my bills or food or anything. I feel like a bit of a mug now because I hadn't really thought about it

Moving in with your 4 children, 2 from different dads, introducing a new baby into the world that has a different father then add his 5 year old into the mix is very challenging for the most stable of relationships. I admire your positivity in thinking all this is a good idea and you are not scared at all. I truly think your current partner is terrified of the situation. He will be moving in with children who are living by different rules between you and the fathers of your children, rules that he has for your child together then the rules how he raises his 5 year old with his ex. Can you understand the dilemma he may be facing? Both of you need to step back and think seriously about what is best for the children.

Honestly? I would end the relationship.

I see what some posters are saying about him being afraid to move in so soon etc, but tbh that ship sailed as soon as the OP fell pregnant. Why should the OP be the one doing all the work when he can just swan off whenever and wherever he wants without the responsibility? He wants the best of both worlds, OP doesn’t have that choice. So I am not hugely sympathetic to any doubts he’s having. He should either commit or leave, this halfway point just isn’t acceptable.

It's really not good enough, he is taking money from a large family who are struggling financially, and you have said he is aware of that? He's not confused that you're independently wealthy? I agree with previous posters, I don't think this is indicative of a good person. You should ask him to contribute the next time you see him and see what he says.

You can't put him on the birth certificate if he doesn't come with you.

No decent man spends all week with a single mother of 4 and doesn't contribute financially. Does he do anything? Help with the kids? Cool? Clean? Or is he just another mouth to feed, taking up space on your sofa?

Ah, and I see he doesn’t contribute either.

Does he work? Where does all his money go?

Well he would come with me to have his name on the birth certificate, I couldn't imagine him not.
He does help with the kids yes, he will cook sometimes, will tidy up a bit occasionally but I do most of it, I suppose I've thought that normal because he technically doesn't live here.
I will ask him to contribute next time I see him, see what he says.
He works full time yes, I have no idea what he spends his money on, he only has bills at his house, so he must be saving a lot I suppose.

“but you know I love you” what a cop out reply. I’d say “No actually it’s not obvious. You come across as all words sometimes.”

It does seem he doesn’t wish to move in. It seems you’re having your fifth child. Maybe the reality of such a busy home has been a shock to his system and he likes the peace and quiet of his own place to spend time with his daughter.

He should however be honest with you.