Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

Ime he may feel guilty your baby will have him full time and his dd won't... And so will your dc....
I hope you have discussed him financially supporting you and the baby. When I fell pregnant by surprise my now exh didn't live with us until ds was 15 months. So much resentment on both sides. We plodded on miserable for years.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes actually that makes sense, you've made some good points.

@Clymene maybe, but I don't think he wants to lose me, and I've given him no reason to think I won't follow it through.

@SleepingStandingUp

He owns his house, no mortgage, he said he would move closer to me, and rent his house out, that was always his plan he said.
If I was to have the baby in the next week or so, he would be with me, I have no doubt about that, his daughter would go with her mum if he happens to have her at the time. I'm being induced though so hoping I get to my induction date rather than I go naturally!

Yes he works Monday to Friday, he stays with me, goes home Friday after work and has his daughter there.

He said this, he said that, but he hasn’t actually done it! That’s all the evidence you need. You are a single parent.

I've given him no reason to think I won't follow it through

Other than ignoring all his broken promises and the string of dates to move in that have passed without him doing anything?

All i can say is then . You need to sit this big child down and have a straight talk with him. But you know it will be just more mushroom food. And not what you really want to hear . why did he not commit to the mother of he's first child . because he's playing you like he did her. Bottom line : A ONE MAN/CHILD. BABY MAKER . LOVE UM AND LEAVE UM

My children are all between ages 3 and 12. They all like him, and have got used to him being here all week, he's here all the time that they are really. As someone pointed out, at weekends they are at their dads anyway.

Ive been around his daughter a fair bit now, and she seems to like me, seems comfortable with me, she's spent time with me when my partner has gone food shopping and he's left her with me, and we've spoke to her about us all living together, all the kids seem excited about it.

I gave him the ultimatum a few months ago now. But I've reminded him of it since a few times.

Yes I will end our relationship if we are not living together by the time I have the baby. I do love him, and we have an otherwise great relationship, but living apart while in a relationship and raising a child isn't what I want and i would resent him, it just wouldn't work for me.

I'm not terrified no, but I am a bit scared yes, as it's a big deal but I'm quite a practical person I suppose.

We have discussed everything financial yes.

@user131426479642 yep you are probably right there.

@axile234 he did commit to his ex, they were married, now divorced, it just didn't work out, no real drama.

These replies have really helped, Its made me realise a few things.

I think it might be best to take a deep breath and a step back OP and think about whether you really want him to move in now that he's made it clear he doesn't really want to?

Wouldn't it be better to take control and say that you want to minimise the impact on your kids, you know the baby's arrival will impact them hugely already so can you focus on coparenting the baby and parenting your own children (and him his) for the next few months then revisit the moving in discussion?

Moving in under duress + new baby + resentment from you that he wasn't proactively willing + resentment from him that he had to move in = extra stress at a time that will already be hugely stressful.

Taking the pressure off you both moving in could actually be beneficial for everyone especially your kids.

But he does need to commit to stepping up coparenting wise regardless of what happens with you as a couple.

I think holding off on the move in could be best for everyone.

@axile234

All i can say is then . You need to sit this big child down and have a straight talk with him. But you know it will be just more mushroom food. And not what you really want to hear . why did he not commit to the mother of he's first child . because he's playing you like he did her. Bottom line : A ONE MAN/CHILD. BABY MAKER . LOVE UM AND LEAVE UM

Do you know op and her partner? Cos I can't see anywhere it says he didn't commit to her or that it was him that left.

So, the children all spend their weekends with their dads? I think if you continue to hassle him then you'll be doing this new baby on your own. He wants to spend time with his daughter on her own (he scores brownie points for this in my book!) as does your ex with yours and I'd let it ride tbh - is it better for him to be there during the week to help or to break up and have little help?

What does co-parenting look like for you op? Are you happy him taking a newborn out alone or do you envisage him visiting for an hour at a time a few times a week etc?

OP, he was of course wrong to agree to move in and then stall, but he should never have agreed to in the first place. You got pregnant when you barely knew one another, and especially as you both already have children, it’s just far too soon to blend your lives and families, especially as one of you is evidently reluctant.

In all honesty, i think this more than just about moving in. Im sure he does miss you, he's a parent already so when you say you made the choice to continue and have the baby he had some kind of idea of what that would entail, and I'm not saying he doesn't love you or want to be with you. But let's be honest this is a lot, in a very short space of time and I think reality is creeping up on him.
Yeah it might be he is just a twat or wants to get out of doing the hard graft that comes with a new born. He might be a selfish arse who has had 2nd thoughts and is now happy to leave you to do the donkey work knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. This is the unfairness of nature, obviously you have no choice now, ultimately he does.
On the other hand maybe he's just in panic mode. He may have just realised that you getting on with his child and him getting on with yours is a whole world away from blending your families, moving in together and dealing with a new born, especially for a very new relationship.
I know that's not fair on you, I understand that means that the deal has changed and ultimately, as a woman you will have to bare the brunt of that.
But does it necessarily mean it's the end. Firstly you need to have an open conversation with him, one that allows you both to be completely honest about how you're feeling, you absolutely deserve and need to know the situation and as a consequence where you stand.
Does he just need more time, do you need to draw up a new plan, one that involves his share of child care, one that also meets his financial obligations towards your shared responsibilities but one that at the same time also allows this situation to develop at a more timely manner. Yes it may mean you live apart a little longer, it will also mean you do the lion share (but isn't that always the case) but if it means you know where you stand, have a stage by stage plan in place, both of your children have the time they need to adjust and eventually you end up as a happy family isn't it worth discussing. The alternative is you force something that shouldn't be happening yet and it all goes tits up. I get living apart is an unconventional situation when you have a baby together but in all reality this isn't a conventional scenario.

Could it be that he wants to put his 5yo first by considering that it would be a lot for them to meet and move in with someone they are not familiar with, and 5yo would probably not take well to having to share attention with you and a new baby?

Sorry I have only just now read your comment explaining that his children have spent time with you. But it's still a big commitment and a big deal for a 5yo

Everything has moved incredibly quickly - you've been together a year, you're eight months pregnant and you both have children from previous relationships. That's a huge amount of change in such a short period of time - and now you're basically telling him he has to move in or get lost.

Will it really, genuinely be better being a single parent? How do you envisage him co-parenting a newborn baby?

@vanillandhoney

Everything has moved incredibly quickly - you've been together a year, you're eight months pregnant and you both have children from previous relationships. That's a huge amount of change in such a short period of time - and now you're basically telling him he has to move in or get lost.

Will it really, genuinely be better being a single parent? How do you envisage him co-parenting a newborn baby?

I agree with what you've said

I have actually co parented with a newborn before , my eldests dad left me while I was pregnant, he had her from about 3 weeks old, every weekend and she's now 12. So I'm not a stranger to co parenting with a newborn. But we haven't really discussed doing that with this baby because he says that's not what he wants!

If he doesn't want to move in, I've told him he just has to say do and we will make a new plan, the reason I've given the ultimatum is because he insists it's what he wants and what he's going to do but not doing it.

I've taken all comments on board I'm having a good think about everything now!

If he doesn't want to move in, I've told him he just has to say do and we will make a new plan, the reason I've given the ultimatum is because he insists it's what he wants and what he's going to do but not doing it.

I don't think you dishing out ultimatums is going to encourage him to open up to you.

@vanillandhoney maybe not, but I have my own expectations, and one of them is that we live together when the baby is born, which is what was agreed when I found out I was pregnant, and he's insisted he wants all along. Before the ultimatum I asked him loads of times... are you sure this is what you want? I told him I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to or felt like he had to... but he still insisted it's definitely what he wants.. so I feel as though I've been led on which isn't nice.

Op, could he be saying he wants to because you gave him an ultimatum and basically threatened him sith ending the relationship?

It doesn’t appear he proactively suggested this.

Also, you’re eight months pregnant, which means he needs to move in in the next month, has he even started looking for tenants? Removal men? As otherwise his home will be empty?

Could he be planning to just basically keep it as is, live with you during rhe week then go back to his place at the weekends?

Or maybe he’s giving himself a plan b.

As you’re already eight months, he needs to move quickly really.

Personally I’d stop sith the ultimatums and threats, stop trying to force him, don’t mention it again, and see what happens. See if he raises it or makes plans. If he doesn’t then you know for sure.

I gave him the ultimatum a few months ago now. But I've reminded him of it since a few times.

Thats bot an ultimatum then, is it. Because he didnt follow through and youre still waiting.

And why does your ex get every weekend and youre left with the grunt parenting work

And why does your ex get every weekend and youre left with the grunt parenting work

Yes this does irritate me but that's a whole other thread.

@Jenifirtree I meant I said to him a few months ago that if he hasn't moved in by the time the baby is here then I won't be continuing the relationship. We've spoke about it since so he knows it's still how I feel.

I think for the sake of all the children involved it is better if he doesn’t move in.