Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

@baublesforme

And why does your ex get every weekend and youre left with the grunt parenting work

Yes this does irritate me but that's a whole other thread.

You sound like a bit of a superwoman tbh! Sorry it must feel overwhelming at the moment but you're clearly Uber capable - make sure you get as much help as you can from other people too

[quote baublesforme]@vanillandhoney maybe not, but I have my own expectations, and one of them is that we live together when the baby is born, which is what was agreed when I found out I was pregnant, and he's insisted he wants all along. Before the ultimatum I asked him loads of times... are you sure this is what you want? I told him I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to or felt like he had to... but he still insisted it's definitely what he wants.. so I feel as though I've been led on which isn't nice.[/quote]
Maybe he did want to move in with you, but is scared to say he's worried or having second thoughts? I mean, of course you're allowed to have your own expectations but I do think you're jumping the gun slightly to insist he moves in or you'll break up.

You've all gone through a LOT this year - a pandemic, a new relationship, blending families and a pregnancy on top of all of that. Maybe it's best to continue how things are for a while and re-evaluate once the baby is here and things have settled down a little bit.

How you co-parented with your ex is also not necessarily how things will work with this guy, so just because you've navigated it before, doesn't mean this time will be as simple.

No I don't know them . And if you read my comment . I did ask WHY he did not commit . So please get off your soap box . LOL

@nimbuscloud

I think for the sake of all the children involved it is better if he doesn’t move in.

Yes, I totally agree. Far too much, far too soon. Having a baby with someone isn't automatically a reason to live with them.

As for why he is always saying this stuff, some people just like saying that for a little romantic thrill. I had an ex who refused to consider living together after 5 years, but he would often text me things like "I miss you so so much, I'd do anything to be with you right now". We would both be home doing nothing (and homes were just 15 mins apart) so I'd reply that he should come over. He didn't want too .

Yes, I think you should leave it for a while. You sound very capable. Maybe it would be best to stop giving ultimatums, mentally prepare for the possibility of single parenthood, and see how things go. If he steps up (whatever form that takes) then great; if he doesn’t, you can cut your losses. I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate though, or give the baby his surname(!). Put your kids and yourself first and see how things go.

I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate though

What the fuck? Why on earth not?

@TornadoOfSouls

Yes, I think you should leave it for a while. You sound very capable. Maybe it would be best to stop giving ultimatums, mentally prepare for the possibility of single parenthood, and see how things go. If he steps up (whatever form that takes) then great; if he doesn’t, you can cut your losses. I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate though, or give the baby his surname(!). Put your kids and yourself first and see how things go.

Agree re surname but why on earth shouldn't she put him in the birth certificate?! He is the baby's father and not abusive or dangerous.

@nimbuscloud

I think for the sake of all the children involved it is better if he doesn’t move in.

This. Too much way too soon. Dealing with the arrival of another baby is enough, without the boyfriend and his daughter too.

He's put off breaking the news while you're pregnant , that on reflection he's realised he doesn't want to live with you and your kids and the new baby and has no intention of moving in.

So, there's no point letting his DD get used to you, or visit your home,  because she's never going to live in it or with you.

 He still sees you for  sex, because he's a cocklodger. 

her future home, because she's never going to live with you.

Ohhh dear OP major 🚩 here. It doesn’t sound good at all.... bottom line is your partner knows deep down why he doesn’t want to move in.

I wouldn’t give up your house either OP to go live with a man you have children and a responsibility to house them if it all goes tits up it will effect your children.

It all sounds like too much too soon. I will be interested to hear how you get on once the baby has arrived.

@vanillandhoney

I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate though

What the fuck? Why on earth not?

I agree with this well I actually mean surname. OP should give her baby her surname because if she needs to travel it causes issues in the airport having to explain that is your child but you just have different surnames. Not to mention OPs partner sounds irresponsible

I would stay as you are for now. He clearly isnt ready yet. You could force the relationship to end when baby comes but if he would be supportive and loving and helpful during the week and help manage the early sleep deprived months why not carry on.

If in 6-12 months nothing has changed and the situation isnt working for you then end it.

But if the relationship actually works and you just had an unusual living situation-does it matter as long as you are both committed?

If there are other signs of issues around commitment thats another thing...

Perhaps he just needs more time, i wouldn't write him off and be so all or nothing. But likewise i'd begin to process it may never happen.

I kind of think it's sensible him not rushing it and I don't think it has to mean he doesn't live or want to be with you.

Assuming he hadn't met your children just a few months in when you got pregnant, I think it's wise he didn't move straight in because it's a lot of new relationships to manage, and that can be tricky when time is taken, more so when it's rushed and not only do you have boyfriend and girlfriend still adjusting and building their new relationship, but also your two children meeting and building a relationship with him and adjusting to a new man in their life, then your partners little girl would have also had to adjust to not only dad having a new girlfriend, but also him having a new home with two new children there and also a new sibling on the way.

I agree with this well I actually mean surname. OP should give her baby her surname because if she needs to travel it causes issues in the airport having to explain that is your child but you just have different surnames.

Surname is one thing, but playing games by refusing to put him on the birth certificate is just childish.

I don't agree with leaving his name off his child's birth certificate if he doesn't do what you want either. I've seen this suggested on a few threads as a way to make a man do something he's hesitant or has said no to recently.

@vanillandhoney

I agree with this well I actually mean surname. OP should give her baby her surname because if she needs to travel it causes issues in the airport having to explain that is your child but you just have different surnames.

Surname is one thing, but playing games by refusing to put him on the birth certificate is just childish.

Exactly this, @vanillandhoney is bang on.

I 100% agree baby should have OP's surname - no reason at all for them to have his other than outdated tradition which needs overhauling!

But the birth certificate? The birth certificate registers the father who has both rights and even more importantly responsibilities- the idea of not doing this as some sort of power play or punishment for him not moving in would be madness, immature and not in the child's best interest. He has his daughter regularly and clearly has a good relationship with her, he also is on fine terms with his ex according to OP. Nothing to suggest anything untoward at all so why shouldn't he be on the birth certificate?!

They've both decided to go ahead with a pregnancy very early in a relationship, they both still have responsibilities and rights.

Honestly stop asking him and start offering reasons why it isn't convenient for him to come over through the week. Works both ways and you need to start being more self sufficient if that's the way it's headed x

I agree with this well I actually mean surname. OP should give her baby her surname because if she needs to travel it causes issues in the airport having to explain that is your child but you just have different surnames.
Not to mention OPs partner sounds irresponsible

OP can give her baby her surname if that's what she wants to do. Your give the baby your surname would apply even if he did live with OP. There's always the possibility there's times OP would travel with her fella.

How is he irresponsible? OP hasnt said he's an irresponsible father. She wouldn't want him moving in if that were the case. She's mentioned nothing that warrants her removing his parental rights.

I will be putting him on birth certificate, whatever happens, I don't have any doubts about him being a good dad. Baby was going to have his surname, but now I'm not sure. 3 of my children don't have my surname already, I was married when I had them so they have their dads, I've gone back to my maiden name now.

I'm still adamant that being in a relationship and raising the baby living separately wouldn't work for me. When we said we would have this baby, it was agreed we would live together and he would help support me financially. If he's gone back on this, that's his right, but I also have the right to not do something I don't feel comfortable with. I've had to have a lot of time off work due to pregnancy related illness, I'm struggling financially as it is, while he is comfortable, well off even! So I'm starting to resent him for that anyway. That's the problem I think, him not moving in like he said he would is causing resentment. I definitely don't want to force him though so I'm going to take some of your advice and stop with the ultimatum.

@FakeFakeNews

*I agree with this well I actually mean surname. OP should give her baby her surname because if she needs to travel it causes issues in the airport having to explain that is your child but you just have different surnames. Not to mention OPs partner sounds irresponsible*

OP can give her baby her surname if that's what she wants to do. Your give the baby your surname would apply even if he did live with OP. There's always the possibility there's times OP would travel with her fella.

How is he irresponsible? OP hasnt said he's an irresponsible father. She wouldn't want him moving in if that were the case. She's mentioned nothing that warrants her removing his parental rights.

In the nicest way. I say this and I only have one DS. If I have understood OP has children by different men and in the airport it’s very likely that they would question the surname.

OP has not commented on his parenting skills because she doesn’t know first hand as her child isn’t born yet. Honestly I don’t want to upset OP. Let’s not delude OP.... they could go on holiday together and I could win the lottery tomorrow and then that would able be to give up my job

It’s irresponsible of OP partner to agree to having a child and then mislead OP about moving in considering he has a child already and OP already has children too. Very irresponsible!

He owns his house, no mortgage, he said he would move closer to me

Has he supported you with anything you have needed to buy for the baby so far?

Hate to join the chorus here op, but if he wanted to move in he’d be there already. I think he just says all the right things cause he wants to appear like a ‘good guy’ to everyone rather than tell the truth. He’s burying his head in the sand as to what he will do in future.

Whatever you do don’t give the baby his name. You should have at least one of your children with your surname, unless you by some chance marry this man in future. But until then, give the baby your name.

How many children do you have? And are they all away from you every weekend? Is his daughter maybe concerned about the situation and he is doing this to keep his daughter feeling more secure? It's a big step for her.

When we said we would have this baby, it was agreed we would live together and he would help support me financially.

You've now listed several things you "have no doubts" about. Did you have any doubts about him following through on this when it was originally agreed? Or was that another area where you had "no doubts"?

Maybe you would be better off if you allowed space for doubts and placed slightly more value on yourself and what you need.

Separately, I can't for the life of me comprehend why you would not keep your baby's name as your surname. It makes no sense to change the baby's surname.