SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Thanks lemonstartree for starting this thread I was amazed to see that so many on here are going through the same thing.

Can I just ask how did you decide that enough was enough and ended the relationship I want him to go but I can not seem to stay strong and always give in to him which is making me feel so stupid for putting up with this.

Hi Snowhite

there rae lots of threads on here that i wrote as 'sosickoftheweed' and other pseudonyms that I cant remember - so this has been going on a long long time.

I was always aware that my h smoked cannabis, when we met it didnt seem like so much of an issue - he was single, and it semed to me that he had a joint in the evening the same way I might have a glass of wine.

over the last 3 years especially it just got ridiculous, I found him smoking weed at 6 am, at lunchtime, more and more. he smoked in front of the children (became much more of an issue to me as they get older , obviously) he became increasingly agressive - both in his denial that there was any kind of problem with his drug use, and more generally. he kicked the children with not reason, was always shouting and was very agressive with me if i asked about his cannabis - or about where all our money was disappearing to.

about 18 months ago he insisted on stiopping work to 'look after the kids' . well you can guess the rest. im not actually that much of a controlling person but the whole thing just got completely out of hand. he was extremely abusive and agressive to me about that time - so bad I called the police - and that was his 'last chance' on the aggresion front. We went to counselling, but his drug abuse just escalated (oF course I did'nt know the extent of it at that time)

the last straw was him hitting our 5 year old son around the head (and I mean hitting) and screaming abuse at him ' that he was 'f*ing evil' and trying to control me by threatinging the children, I left that day.I was so lucky that I had somewhere to go- my brother too me and the children in, and offerred us stability and a home for a week.

it was very very hard not to go back - I too have 'given in' so many times. I seeemed to need constant constant reassureance that this was right - and I was helped by so may people on this - and another forum - who reassured me and e-mailed me telling me of their experiences growing up with an abusive addict for a parent.
I did it for the children because they get only one shot at childhood and I couldnt bear them to look back and think I didn't love them enough to protect them from him

Hello - Can I join your club? I'm supporting my partner as he gives up drugs, I've got a thread about it down the list called 'I'm tired of stoners' (sounds a bit like yours, Lemon, I'll have a look for yours, it sounds like it might be an insightful read).
I've got an update, but I'll put it into my thread so I don't confuse the two things, in brief, he had a few spliffs over the weekend after several weeks clean.
Anyway, let's see if we can help each other get through the tough times as there are plenty along the way, it seems.

Annoyed byit ; welcome

I have read your other thread and I feel for you.

Atilla wrote most eloquently on my other threads in the past - and I can honestly say that I did listen - I just wasnt ready to act at that time. One of my earliest threads is from November 2005 - when my youngest ds was 9 months old. It took me almost 2 years from recognising that there was a serious problem to acting. In one wa I regret that, but in another i now have the 'comfort' of knowing that i tried as hard as I could

And yes, the postings by Atilla and other did open my eyes and help me to see that his behaviour was NOT normal and that not everyone behaves like this...

it is very very difficult to leave an addict - actually I think you only can when YOU too hit rock bottom - ie enough is enough and you KNOW that nothing you have ever tried will/can work.....

0y current problem is that having ben 'clean for 7 weeks or so; and having found a job my h now thinks I should have him back because he is different.... I am reading the lundy bancroft book about abusive men and am inclined to believe that he may ( and I say may) have addressed his addiction problem, bt he has not addressed his abusive behaviour... and the two are not synonymous....

he says children need two parents...

pants

Lemonstartree I read your reply earlier and cried you are so strong I wish I could find the strength inside me to leave him but every time I find it he manages to convince me that he will change.

The situation at the moment is that for the third year running he has failed to pay the council tax because the money went on weed not that he has admitted that but they don?t do they. I feel stupid and humiliated that this is the 3rd time he has done it and I should have really kicked him out when he did it the first time. When I found out for the third time I really thought that?s it I am not having it anymore told him to pack his stuff and leave .I felt strong that this was it, but then the tears came begged me to help him get off the weed so guess what he stayed this was a week ago and I have not seen him roll a spliff and I am just hoping that he has stayed off it but I have a nagging doubt that he has been lying. His mood was awful last week but I ignored it because he was coming off it but on Saturday he was fine which makes me think he has had some and tonight I went in the garage and found Rizla papers on the floor and now I feel sick for once again he has lied to me again or perhaps I maybe jumping the gun and thinking the worst.

Sorry for the epic post but needed to let off steam xxxx

I'm glad someone has started a thread on this. I was thinking of doing it myself.
I threw my dp out on Saturday after yet another drinking binge. I've done it loads of times before and when he came back I always gave in, believing he really meant it.
He had been really good for ages and I really thought we'd turned the corner, but once again he let me down and this time enough is enough.
This time it was different in that he totally scared the dc. It took that to shock me into action - he could do what he liked to me, but if he hurts my boys that's another matter.
I feel really lost and alone - part of me wants him to come home, but I can't do that to the dc. They need to see me being strong so I am all day, then when they are in bed I can fall apart.
At least I know I'm not the only one going through this.
Attilla - I'm sure you'll be along soon. You were so right about everything. I'm only sorry I didn't listen to your earlier

can I join too please. my xh was never physically abusive but he left in March after finding out he has been abusing prescription and over the counter medication for 11 years.

I just couldn't take anymore. His behaviour was becoming more and more irratic, the kids couldn't breath without him jumping down their throats.

I had alreay took him back after an affair 2.4 yr ago.

I just can't belive I never saw any of this, I always thought it was me with the problem and me that was unhappy but it wasn't it was him.

Don't even know why i'm writing all this down again but hopefully it will help someone realise that they are not on their own.

Hi ginnedupmummy and notsofarnow

I hope we can offer each other support here, its vrey easy to be prescriptive about how we( the partnrs ) should behave, but so much harder to put that stuff into practice.

I am lucky in that I am not economically dependent on my h (just as well or we would be homeless) so I can support myself, the dc and the house irrespective of waht he does/does not do.....

hope you are alll ok tonight...

lst x

snowhite

does he accept that he has a problem ? does he WANT to be different ?

what support do you have in RL, does anyone know about his habit ??

I am strong today, but may not be tomorrow; and I was not strong enough to leave for a long time. (even tho' I knew I 'should')

what is your situation ? can you get some stuff together as an emergency bag? - just in case?

sending you a strengthening hug (((snowhite)))

lst x

Hello everyone - just reading your comments now and it's making me so upset for you all, I want to say something that will help but I don't know what that is... but I have got lots of hugs for you all xxxx

Years ago, my ex-h cheated on me and from what I'm thinking about my own dp's drug usage/going clean and what you're also saying, it's reminding me of how I felt way back then... the lies, the promises it will never happen again, the when he's going out, I wonder if he's seeing who he says he is or is he seeing his drug friends, the never being totally sure whether he means what he says or if he's saying it to keep you happy - god, there's so many parallels.

Lemonstartree - you said something brilliant: we all have different limits and only we know when enough is enough, though I suspect we stretch our boundaries to accommodate their behaviour, which stresses us out more. And, when you suspect their useage is higher than they let on, I don't know about you but my worry goes into overdrive. Also, you said about whether they know they have a problem and if they want to change. I spent the past few months thinking his behaviour was something I could accept - it was normal in his world as all (every single one) of his friends use drugs. Beacuse he'd use at all times of day or night, in all circumstances, especially romantic ones with me, it just became more and more abnormal for me to see him doing it and I woke up and realised I couldn't handle it any more. Just so you all know, I don't use drugs, I like an occasional drink, but don't even smoke cigatettes.

Snowhite - your post is exactly how I feel, you see the paraphenalia (rizlas, or a mirror) and you get that sense of dread. It's unbearable that they seem to put their love of weed or whichever is their addiction ahead of you, I want to know if its a conscious thing, or if it's an illness of addiction thing and they don't know they're doing it. Or, like Atilla says in other threads that we are enabling them. God, it's all going round my head in a big unholy stew.

Ginneduppumpkin - hello, i'm so sorry to hear about yor dreadful weekend, how are you feeling and how are you coping? Do you know where he has gone to? Has he been in touch? How are you managing to keep going? You've been a great help to me on other threads, I hope you are ok. xxxx

Hello erveryone. Thanks Lemon for starting this.

I'm feeling so confused, and drained and beaten down. He says he wants 1 more chance, that it is totally clear this time, and if he does it again he'll leave without an argument. He promises to get help.

I feel obliged to let him stay and see if he does get help, but at the same time I just want to get on with my life.

Last night he says I'm wrong to not give him another chance, that I'm failing dd by splitting up the family, that he'll get worse if he's on his own, that we'll all do much better together.

I hate loking out for lies, for rolled up tickets / bits of paper etc. He's got better at lying I think as I've got better at working out what he's doing. It feels like our relationship has shrunk down to me acting like Poirot, and him doing his best to deceive me and do what he wants.

He owes money to his parents and they keep on at us both about when is he going to pay them back. The last month i reckon he's spent all his salary on it, and I'm paying the bills from some money my mum left me, luckily we have no mortgage or rent at the moment, but I feel so vulnerable and uncertain about the future. I just want to be happy!

Princess

I know just how you feel..

it is so hard to make the break, because the addict is so skillful at manipulation. and so very skilled at making YOU feel responsible.

I think it is easier to set conditions once they are gone. fwiw I dont think my h believed me whan I said that if he did this again (the physical violence to our children) it would be over. he now talks about being given a 'second' chance!!

Princesshobnob - if he 'gets worse' on his own then thats his choice....

is your money safe from him phn?
why not tell his parents where the money has gone ? let them deal with him.

When I kicked my h out I gave him £500 and told him I would not support him when that was gone. Given that he was living with his parents and had no accommodation or food costs, I though that was ok for starters. he spent it in 5 mins and is moaning now because he has no money ... Like most addicts he has no idea of the consequences of his actions.

hope you are all ok today

lst x

Ginneduppumpkin

I had so many e-mails fomr people who had lived as children in a home where one parent was an alcoholic or addict of some sort. I think hth loss of ocntrol terifys children and if you DONt keep tham safe then who will ? Its an awful choic between you husband or your children, but I think you have made the right one.

It does get better - once he has found somewhere to stay then it will get better.

will he be prepared to get help ??

wishing you strength

lst x

You know, Ginnedup, when I was little, we grew up in a disfunctional house, my father was a voilent alcoholic and the fear was immense. I wouldn't say my mother put up with it as she would lash out at him. Now I've grown up, me and my brother both feel a total lack of understanding as to why she didn't move out/throw him out/ask him to leave as we were at risk. You have done by far the best thing you can do and you know you and your dc will be safe. You can't control him but you can provide a safe home around you and he is not part of that.

I'm thinking of you ((((xx))))

Thanks everyone.
I'm lucky too in that I am financially independent of him (council house in my name, my job,CSA from ex and child benefit will just about pay for everything). The difference with us is that they are not his kids, so its easier for me to separate them from this.
I too grew up with an alcholic dad, although he wasn't violent, it was awful seeing what it did to my Mum and I hate that I've fallen in love with one too - you would think I should know better
(D)P phoned today - very sober, and said he wants to come over tonight and talk. There are a few financial issues outstanding so we do have to talk, but I know he'll try to wear me down. I have got to be strong and not let him worm his way back in or I know I'll hate myself for it, but I still love him.
If I'm on here tomorrow saying he's back you have my permission to track me down and slap me!!

GUP

Saw your earlier comment to me - please do not worry about not listening to me earlier. You just weren't ready to hear it from a stranger with her blunt writings, that's no bad reflection on you at all. I am very glad you have now had your own epiphany re him.

I hope you can find the strength, courage and conviction within you to keep him permanently at arms length from you.

You will though have me back on your case bigtime if he worms his way back into your life!!!.

I leave you with that thought and my best wishes

Attila x

Gosh, you are quite scary when you get going aren't you

I will be strong. I feel quite in control now. His stuff is out, once the money is sorted I don't need to see him unless I want to so it feels like a clean break.

I have some phone numbers to give him and a printout from a local alcoholic centre.

That's all I can do now isn't it.

Hi GUP,

Your first sentence made me smile. I'm actually quite placid in RL but stand for no crap particularly now I am 40 years young!!.

Good on you GUP and with regards to him yes, that is all you can do. What he chooses to do with the information you give him is up to him, you are ultimately only responsible for your own actions.

regards

Attila x

You are right.
I do keep having a recurring nightmare in my head that he'll die and I'll be at his grave wishing I'd spent more time with him and not been so harsh. This is basically what happened when my dad died, I gave up on him and refused to speak to him for the last year of his life because he was constantly drunk or on drugs and his flat became a druggies hang out. I know I was right to do that really and he was no fit state to be a grandad to the kids but I still feel so guilty that I avoided him and deprived him of his grandchildren. I think that may be at the root of a lot of my problems.

GUP, you didn't deprive your dad of his grandkids - he did that himself, by making the choices he did. You were protecting your children.

But I know all too well, that while you can logically tell yourself what's right, it's not always so easy to believe it truly, or feel good about following that decision.

But congratulations on making the decision, keep up your strength.

Unfortunately I am financially dependent at the moment, sort of. I mean I have some money my mum left me, and if we sold the house I'd have a share of that so would then be OK. But would have to find somewhere to live and at the moment I'm a sahm, with a place to go back to uni next yr. If only he'd really get help and pull himself together... but I struggle to believe he will because up to now he's even refused to stop socialising with people he admits lead him into temptation (and he does it without their help anyway)

Its all too easy to blame the friends but they are their own men and quite capable of saying no - but they don't want to.
I've got friends who drink more than me, take things I wouldn't take etc but if I don't want to do something then I don't do it. End of.
He's just left. I think I took the wind out of his sails because he thought it would be the same old conversation, full of promises but I wouldn't let him stay until he's got help.
He's going to make an appointment at the doctors tomorrow and we are going to make an appointment with relate too. I should be happy about this, but I'm crying. He was so lovely tonight - his old self again and it took every ounce of strength not to let him back in.
Why do I feel so crap?

GUP - it sounds like you are both doing some really positive things.

When you experience their nice normal side, it's so hard to keep in mind the reality of the bad side. You just wish it could be like that always.

I don't blame his friends but I don't think it's helpful for an addict who's at the beginning of attempting to get clean (as he promises to do) to hang out with people who may ask him to contact someone to get some for them, or do it in front of him, or ask him if he'd like some. Cos think it would be hard for him to remain strong.

Anyway, he's just got in, about half an hour late (I hate that even that makes me suspicious) grabbed some porn and gone to watch it. He said he hasn't done anything, but I think it's odd to come in, and your first priority is getting some porn on. No hi, how are you, no dinner. So suspect he has had someting or he's just not on same wavelength as me AT all. Maybe both.

Oh dear phn I don't know much about how drugs affect people but you're right - that doesn't sound normal. I know what you mean about being on a different wavelength too. When you know someone so well your instincts tell you what's been going on and no matter how much they deny it deep down you just know.

I'm trying to feel positive and I believe dp wants to do this, but there's that voice inside my head that says he'll screw up again.

Someone said futher down the thread that if we drink etc then we know when to stop now I believe that is missing in an addict - they just don't know or don't have the ability to stop.

As for having dp, dh back because they seem 'normal' or that you see the part of them that you once remember as being what you fell in love with. It doesn't last and they become accomplished liars and will go to extreme lengths to cover their tracks.

my dh used to buy cocodamol take them out of the box, wrap them up in his hankie and keep them in his pocket so I wouldn't find them. He did this successfully for 11 years with me only finding them literally a couple of times.

But what you have to ask yourself is a) can you live with the wondering everytime he is late home or goes out what he is doing.
b) can you afford when dc get older to know that this is acceptable behaviour, or that the children might find drugs, porn etc.

In my case dp doesn't drink every single day, but when he does he really does iykwim!
So the majority of the time he is lovely but its the monster he becomes when he drinks that I can't cope with.
The blame for this latest escapade lies solely with Polish beer being so much stronger . Of course it took 20 bottls of it before he sussed that!