Morning everyone
I'm ok today thanks.
Relate was helpful - I went in feeling alright and then the minute the counsellor opend her mouth I wept and wailed and basically ranted for over an hour. She will probably need counselling now!
One of my main frustrations is that dp who is in complete denial about his drinking has shown his anger by refusing to communicate with me at all - if I phone him he hangs up, if I email him he ignores me , but he does send me tha odd message telling me I am selfish for ending the relationship, usually with some abuse attached. He has seen the dcs very very sporadically - three times in four months and before he went he was a very involved dad, so it has come as a complete shock to me. and yet I hear from his family that he is heartbroken and wants to come home which, even though he has been a complete pig and as latched himself onto another woman (who seems to live in pubs) upsets me.
Talking to the counsellor made me see things with a bit of perspective. She made me think that for the moment at least I should leave well alone and wait for him to approach me about the children and that as he is drinking still I am not dealing with a logical person.
We all know addicts are the most selfish people out there!
I don't feel brave for having ended it - I simply had reached my rock bottom with him.
Actually its probably been very good that he has been so awful since he left because it has made it easier for me to hold onto my aim, which is to create a carefree, happy home without the shame, suspicion, arguements and friction that addiction brings. I want to be able to bring friends home without wondering if I'll find him drunk or worse for wear and I want that for the dcs too.
I admire you GUP for trying to support your dh. I can recognise so much of my own behaviour in yours. I always had dp back before becasue he would be nice and apologise but this time when that didn't work he became nasty which is why I am still alone - I would probably have caved in had he been kind . I hope that your dh stops for good or that if you are going to reach your rock bottom, you do it soon. I think a letter to the doctor telling her what's going on would help.
Lst, keep going. I tend to get really down when I am tired and you must be so tired most of the time. It must be so hard to resist taking him back, especially if he is being his old self. If you thinkk thatif you took dp back the whole miserable cycle of addiction would start up again then don't do it. If you can't bear the thought of sepaerating, then it might be an idea to think in terms of months, so that you could think that if he is still the same by , say, February, you will think again about reconciling. By that time you will have a bit of distance and perspective and be able to think more clearly. I wouldn't tell him that though!
Secretsquirrel, I loved your "I didn't sign up for this crap" comment. That makes such sense and is my new mantra.
Mickeylou - my exdp was a professional and lost a few jobs over the years. His drinking was raised each time bt I always made excuses for him ("what's wrong with having a drink at lunchtime?") I wonder how many people already know. I have started saying to anyone who asks that I couldn't live with his drinking and nobody is surprised. It's liberating to lose the secrecy. It's difficult to know when support turns into enabling someone to carry on drinking. I hope your dp can do it, I really do. You sound much stronger than me.
notso farnow - are you still seperated form your ex? YOu must be further down the line than me. How are you feeling? Are you glad you separated? Can you inspire us?
Princesshobnob what are you up to?
Attila, are you a counsellor? You manage to say things that are quite hard to hear becasue they are so true but it's very helpful to read your comments.