SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Bump!

Well, name chnged for this

Caught my partner with cocaine in house a few times

He swore he would stop

went to gp, he saw a counsellor (bereavement counsellor) as he lost his mum 4 years ago, she was young he is 24, bt tht did no good

I have a dc from prev partner whom calls him dad and we have toddler together who has special needs epilepsy etc, cant walk etc

Anyway, I found cocaine, an empty bag shoved dwn bk of couch

I am devastated

WE were just getting bk on track about to move bk in with us etc, he has admitted he hasnt stopped

I have told my sister and parents again as was soo gutted

Was soos strong and adamant it was over but seen him earlier, sed he is soo sorry and i deserve better and shud get rid of him, etc etc, but that he loves us soo much and wants to gt help...my family are "get over him"etc etc and will prob give up on me if I stood by him

Soo upset wat the hell do I do?

Wat would u do?

Any1 else have same issues??

Hi sickfedup - everyone here with VERY similar issues, sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

What to do? Don't think anyone has an answer for that one - you need to do what's right for you and your family and it's so hard to firstly find out what's right and then have the strength to carry it through. Your partner needs to sort himself out - there is nothing you or anyone else can do to help him if he doesn't want to be helped, he is the only one that can change. Don't beat yourself up about it and try to get your family to support you as much as they can - no matter what your decision will be, you will need them more than ever.

How's everyone? llareggub, are you still out there? I'd really like to hear more about your experience, if you could share it with us.

Thanku snowiebear, soo hurt and confused, bn together a long time and bn thru a lot etc

He says he will get help etc, but sed tht before but nw saying he will get urine tested anything he says t prove he is not gonna be doing it again

Sickfedup-I'm very sorry to hear of what has happened.

You need to be able to step back from it all so you are able to get a clearer perspective on things. As you have said, you are very hurt and confused.

When you are feeling as devestated as you are feeling, it is very easy to make snap decisions about anything and everything - you are automatically reacting to an enormous hurt/injustice.

You are in danger of reacting to being let down, to your children being let down. It is only human to feel like this but ultimately it will harm you more than him. Sadly, the fact that you have already been through this same scenario bears witness to this fact.

So, I urge you to find help for yourself. There must be support groups for the partners of drug addicts - I'm sure NA would be able to recommend something for you.

Once you have that help you will begin to see a little more clearly SSX

Hi haven't managed to check in here with everyone for a while.
Things had been fairly quiet and positive with BIL starting new job and attending meetings. However since he started his job, his meetings have tailed off, due to his working hours.
MIL mentioned to DH that she thought he was drinking again.
Well last night he came round, I was out having a meal with some old workmates, came home to find DH quite upset.
Apparently Dh had gone into the living room to do something and when he walked back into the kitchen BIL was swigging from a bottle of whiskey that he'd found in one of our kitchen cupboards! Goodness knows how he found it, he must have gone through all our cupboards looking for alcohol.
At this point DH just asked him to leave. He has made it perfectly clear that he is not welcome here if he has been drinking.
I have told Dh that he should just leave it now and let BIL come to him when he is ready to apologise and address it (again)
I feel ok about it, not so stressed as I was a few weeks ago, Thanks for the advice re: PND, I actually feel ok and feel quite calm about the whole thing.
Dh is very upset though.
Sickfedup - I am no expert, but echo was SS and Snowiebear said. You wil get lots of advice and support on here X

co-anon is specifically there to support partners of coke users and addicts who are affected by the drug use and want support.

mabel - sounds like you are handling it well, it must be very tough on your dh to see his brother let him down again and to kick him out, even though that was the right thing to do and cut off any possiblity of enabling. tough love can be so hard to do in practice, its so easy to talk about it in theory.

mabel1973

Wondered how you were getting on with the alcoholic BIL. Am saddened - but not really surprised to see that BIL screwed up again.
He will continue to do so. You're not the people to help him, you cannot and should not enable him either. Enabling just gives a false sense of control.

His attendance of meetings have tailed off due to his working hours - I am sorry but that is a really poor excuse for him to utter to you. Do you believe this man?. My guess is that your BIL is no longer going to those meetings at all. Your BIL is in no way ready and or willing to accept any help at all; he probably kids himself and denies to everyone around him including himself.

My original counsel still stands:-
His brother will bleed you both dry if you do not set proper boundaries. You have to set boundaries for your own sakes otherwise you will continue to ride that merry go around.

Your DH should not be letting his brother in the house under any circumstances; let alone when you are out. Its not on at all, he needs to realise that.

Your DH as well needs to understand and accept the full realities of his brother's alcoholism. You need to realise as well that BIL could apologise until the cows come home but it won't be a heartfelt apology and certainly not meaningful. Addressing the issues with him will be a waste of time; he won't listen to your entreaties or pleas re drinking.

Did you talk to Al-anon; they can help both you and DH.

Attilla - i see where you are coming from. I didn't contact AA before, because with BIL getting his job and attending meetings things seemed quite positive. However obviously all that has changed, so I think I probably will.
DH has not heard from his bro since thursday.
To be honest I would happily not let him in the house again, but DH keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt.
When you say we are enabling him, do you mean, that by giving him what we feel is 'support' we are almost condoning what he's doing because we are being understanding. Do you think the answer is to cut him out of our lives until we see that he is serious about getting help?
Harsh as it sounds, I would have no problem with that...he harmed one of my children (even if it was unintentional) and put them at risk, I would struggle to forgive that, DH however see's things differently, he is a much more forgiving person anyway, but as it's his brother, and his parents are next to useless, he feels he is the only person he can turn to.

Hi mabel1973,

Re your comments:-

"To be honest I would happily not let him in the house again, but DH keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt".

Your DH needs to stop giving his alcoholic brother the benefit of the doubt. its not helping yourselves or his brother. Your H needs to talk with Al-anon; infact if he is unwilling to do so then you make that call and get their information to show him. You need to help your own selves first. He needs to see the realities of his brother's alcoholism and how it affects everyone around them.

"When you say we are enabling him, do you mean, that by giving him what we feel is 'support' we are almost condoning what he's doing because we are being understanding".

Yes. In a word.

"Do you think the answer is to cut him out of our lives until we see that he is serious about getting help?"

Yes again. Enabling only gives a false sense of control. It ultimately helps no-one let alone his alcoholic brother because enabling also shields the person from the consequences of their actions. He was still permitted by your H to enter your household after he hurt one of your kids!. They certainly don't need to see their alcoholic uncle.

There are no guarantees here; your BIL could lose everything and still choose to carry on drinking. This is completely down to your BIL; he has to choose.

"Harsh as it sounds, I would have no problem with that...he harmed one of my children (even if it was unintentional) and put them at risk, I would struggle to forgive that, DH however see's things differently, he is a much more forgiving person anyway, but as it's his brother, and his parents are next to useless, he feels he is the only person he can turn to".

This man accidently harmed one of your children whilst drunk. That is a total dealbreaker; he should never have been permitted to re-enter your home after that incident. You must both set boundaries to this man; he will suck you both dry otherwise.

Your H cannot and should not be acting as his brother's rescuer or saviour. It does not work. Did you not mention previously that his parents also have drinking problems?. His brother is only responsible for his own self. You and H are only responsible for your own selves and your own children.

Your H will likely hear from his Brother again when he wants something off him. Your H cannot be manipulated by his brother.

Mabel1973 - I hope it's Al Anon you are contacting for you & H....it's BIL who could be getting help from AA (to clarify the differences between the two!)and it is up to him to contact them, not anyone else.

Echo Atilla - what on earth could happen if there is a 'next time' that BIL comes around? It doesn't bear thinking about. You both still have an element of control here - at least you are able to stop him entering your house...Even if your H doesn't want to contact Al Anon, there is nothing to stop you from doing so.

Your H may change his mind once he sees how well you are dealing with the situation. And it would help you to see where your H is with all this - he is still sure that ultimately he will be able to save him, despite the protestations of 'he can't ever come to the house again'. BIL will try again when he is desparate - but at least you will have some tools to arm yourself with if you try Al Anon. ATB, SSX

Bump!

This post is not entirely related to this thread, and please excuse me if I am going aginst MN ettiquette...

There is a post on relationships "untitled" about a poster worried about her mother's drinking. perhaps you are the best people to offer some help???

Hi BH, what would you like help with?

How is everyone else?

I haven't been able to post as STBEH has managed to infect the computer so I can only post at work....I'm so looking forward to the weekend as he is at his parents so me & DD will have a lovely calm weekend instead of madness.

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while as I've found things a bit too difficult to deal with, let alone articulate.

Cutting a very long story short, things came to a head again two weeks ago. DH would not leave, I was standing my ground and the world was going to hell in a handcart around us. I spent lots of time during lunch breaks at work re-reading the thread to keep me from taking the final turn round the bend, and kidding myself into my DIY-detachment prowess. Talk about being in denial! Attila, please feel free to kick me bum ANYTIME!

DH in proper AA-driven rehab for the last two weeks, did his Step One today and spent his two hours phone time having (yet another!) honest conversation with me. Difference is, he'll remember this one in the morning. He has decided he is doing two more weeks treatment... It feels as if our chats this week where like the first time we have really talked for years and we are not fooling ourselves as to how hard this is going to still be. I am also working on my own recovery - still unable to go to meetings, but definitely doing my best to get some inner balance in place and looking forward to some sessions at his rehab place. DH tells me our local AA meeting is an open one, so it may also be a good, depending - in any event, if I need to travel further afield, it'll be OK soon.

How do I put this across? It's not that I am feeling hopeful, but I see little point in being defeatish - I am prepared to work on regaining my balance as an individual and he is prepared to work on his sobriety and all that impacts it. For as long as those two stand, I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I miss the man I adored, I've been grieving for him for ages, please God, let us work at making it all alright.

Attila, this is the time to say some upliftin, old chum. By Jove, we need it.

Love to you all.

I don't often post, but lurk a lot, snowiebear it is so wonderful to hear the hope in your post, i really hope that things have turned a corner. when i couldn't get to meetings because of location, i used to do online meetings and they were really helpful, it made such a difference to connect and i never felt alone. it might be worth checking if al-anon do any online meetings as a stop gap until you can get to RL meetings. good luck

Snowie

Nah, I'm not going to give you a kick up the bum - that would not be constructive!. I will instead pose some questions to you that you may or may not have thought about already.

Two weeks for your H is but a very short time; he needs to keep going even when the going gets really hard which it will. Does he think in his head this is truly his last chance with you?. Do you think he will truly stick it out this time?.

What will you do if he gives up on AA and stops going, what will you do then?. Me may also have periods when he relapses which is yet another issue.

Whether or not you will get the man back that you adored initially is another question entirely. Its down to him and him alone on that front. You are not ultimately responsible for him.

As for yourself I would second 12stepmom's suggestion re Al-anon and their meetings as they are specifically for family members of problem drinkers. You may find their literature very helpful as well. You need outside support too.

12stepmum, Attila, thanks for the messages - good tip re: online meetings, I never knew they existed! I'll Google it and if I come across a useful link, post it here - I know I am not the only one having trouble getting to one.

Attila, I'm going to do my very best to sincerey answer your questions. If anything, I owe it to myself - I know you are the voice of reason!

"Two weeks for your H is but a very short time; he needs to keep going even when the going gets really hard which it will. Does he think in his head this is truly his last chance with you?. Do you think he will truly stick it out this time?."

Two weeks for me is also a very short time, but I am hearing him saying things I never thought I would and making choices that are positive, like staying on for another two weeks to progress with his steps. He realises that as much as he would like to be back home, it wouldn't last if he doesn't do his level best now to be prepared. He know this is it as far as our relationship goes, he has even asked whether I would take him back, as he would understand and accept it if I didn't. From my experience of seeing him through the revolving door of physical rehab too many times to count, I think he's going to have a better chance now to stick it out, he's not coming out as a 'dry drunk'. Quoting him "I've got this for life, and I'm going to have to deal with this always - are you OK with it?" It's been helpful that he has seen a number of people that have lapsed after over 20 years... excuse the pun, but it has had a sobering effect on him.

"Whether or not you will get the man back that you adored initially is another question entirely. Its down to him and him alone on that front. You are not ultimately responsible for him."

Accepted. But I am responsible for myself and I am going to do my best to get sanity back into my life - I need balance too, I've lost it. I also accept that we both have to be good people to be around each other if we aim to recover from this mess together. He working on his recovery, me working on mine. Out of synch, we would need to be apart. If we are both succesful, we will have our marriage back and DS will have parents to feel proud of.

"As for yourself I would second 12stepmom's suggestion re Al-anon and their meetings as they are specifically for family members of problem drinkers. You may find their literature very helpful as well. You need outside support too."

Couldn't agree more - I'm extremely glad for the suggestion of online meetings, I'm also looking forward to getting some family therapy sessions next weekend at his rehab clinic and if everything is well, attending regular Al-Anon meetings soon. I am very grateful I came clean with my family and friend after the Xmas fiasco, and for a couple of friends that knowing what's going one keep me in check and offer unending practical and emotional support.

I am counting my blessings tonight. I am not ignorant, I am not deceiving myself, I am not blinded. But I am strong and I am praying that the people that matter to me will also be strong. We said "for better or for worse"... I feel as if we'd done most of the 'worse' bit. Not scared of working at it, not scared of looking at myself and making myself better.

Just keep onto this hope and determination, because its so easy when things are looking good, but so easy to lose faith and hope when the downs of real life kick in or if youh ever get let down or feel disapointed (and it will happen at some point). that's when having a support network and having a 12 step program under your belt make the difference between getting through things manageablely or completely awful and impossible.

coda (co-dependents anon) might be worth a look too, great for keeping yourself separate, boundaries and not enabling. their overall goal is healthy relationships. good luck!

12stepmum - thanks for the good advice. I don't feel yet as if thigs were looking good, they are looking "addressable", with the right tools.

Very briefly, I'm at work... I said I'd post details of online meetings if I found them, so here they are.

I'll try posting again in the evening.

Hi Snowie - I'm so pleased to hear that your H has taken the decision to go to rehab - and to stay there for at least another 2/52. The longer he can stay there the better for both of you; this will give you much needed space to see things more clearly as well.

A word of 'advice' about attending an open AA meeting - it would help if you can get some Al Anon under your belt first (even ringing the General Service Office - as you cannot get to a meeting). I only say this because it would help you to understand the disease of alcoholism better. You can always CAT me about it if you would like more info.

I would echo Atilla - but also I would suggest to enjoy the good days to the full, and not to project to the future. It really is 'one day at a time'. It is so good to hear that you are able to have a deep and meaningful conversation that he will remember the day after. But again - one day at a time - as Atilla suggests, you have to try and be prepared for the time that he doesn't remember....to try not to react the way you used to. It is all about your recovery as well as his.

Incidentally, did anyone watch the Piers Morgan Interview with Sheila Hancock last night on ITV? It is repeated during the week (but I don't know when) - it's a must to see if you need help like us....

Bump!

How is everyone? Any updates?

Hello all, this thread is heart wrenching at times and so optimistic at other times. I haven't read all of it, but a fair bit. Good luck and very best wishes to you all and your loved ones.

I read the thread because to my total shock a very close friend of mine was hospitalised this week having fainted and going into an epileptic fit.

I hope you don't feel I'm gatecrashing.

I've skimmed through to try and find someone in a similar position to me but I didn't, in terms of this is a close girlfriend and not a partner.

I am shocked that the hospital diagnosed the fit as being due to excessive alcohol. I have had my suspicions over the last year that she was drinking a lot more than she should, or was letting on. Her dp had an affair and left her about two years ago and she was devastated. I tried to be there for her, she's not a domestic goddess but I've been to her house and bleached the kitchen etc on several occasions, just lending a little support. Her house is so lovely but she didn't care about it. We've had a bottle of wine together on many occasions, she's a great laugh, so bright and sharp and funny, great company and our dcs are good frieds too. She'd throw great parties and she'd come to mine for bbqs etc. (Both when she was with her dh and after he'd left). We've been friends for about 10 years now.

But I began to suspect that 'something was going on.' My friend called on me many times for emergency childcare, the children lost their keys, I'm still at work blah blah. I'm very fond of her children, particularly her 11 year old dd. I've caught her out several times lying that she was at work when actually she had been out drinking after work, she has come to pick the children up a couple of times armed with a bottle of wine as a thank you and then proceeded to drink it herself. I work full time and am a single parent too.

Just things like that, so as you can imagine I was getting concerned but any time I tried to talk to her she clammed up.

I'll just stop there as I am very fond of her and it feels deceitful and disloyal even writing this.

She got out of hospital yesterday. Her exh picked her up from hospital and filled the cupboards with food etc and then I think he's left her to it. He phoned me to say she was out and it was he who told me what the hospital said. He also said that she would be needing professional help.

I'm so scared of being perceived as meddling/interfering. I'm absolutely at a loss as to what to do. Wait to see if they need me. Phone to see if I can do anything?Do nothing?

Sorry this post turned out so long.

Hi Monty
You are on the right thread - this is a support for anyone who is affected by the behaviour of the addict in our lives. Even though you may feel that there is no-one out there with exactly the same problems that you are experiencing, you will find that the behaviours of the addict is exactly the same! And a lot of people 'lurk'....

I would say that you could always give Al Anon a try; they have been an enormous support to a lot of us here and you can always CAT me if you would like more info. You can contact them by phone or via the net.

What you are finding out now is just how much you are 'enabling' your friend - by that I mean that she is not taking any responsibility for her children, herself....I know it is hard to stand back and watch things go wrong, but by continuing to bail her out, she is being sheilded from the excessess of her behaviour. She is manipulating you into being the main carer for her children because you will always be there.

The hospital is right - she does need professional help but She is the only one who can do that - it won't happen until she hits rock bottom.

Give Al Anon a call....

SS Thank you for responding.

I recognised the 'enabling' bit a while ago and took a big step back. I was at a party at her house and my friend's sister was there and thanked me for all the support I'd given to her sister (same age group as us and single with no dcs, very capable woman)and I couldn't help thinking but why don't you help? Then another close friend of hers advised me to stop 'helping' as it wasn't helping. It was then that it began to dawn on me that my friend was in trouble with alcohol. I stopped the socialising aspect as I couldn't bear to 'encourage' her ie our bottles of wine together and stuff. Then it progressed to the stage where I only ever heard from her when she needed childcare. The last time she phoned me was on a precious day's leave from work at half term in Feb, she phoned asking if I could have her dcs and I told her I couldn't as I wasn't feeling well (which was true) but in the past I would have had them even then. She rang me on Mothers' Day saying she felt like ending it all. I went and saw her the next day and she looked awful, a disaster, the house was in such a state and so was she. She has had the dcs schools on her case due to children missing so many days and she's been in trouble at work due to her own absenteeism. It was obvious that she was quickly losing her grip.

I'm now devastated that things went so far as her being hospitalised. I care a lot about her dcs.

I'm now in a predicament where I don't know what to do. Nothing?