SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

when we got home from our summer holiday this year my h disappeared ot of the door within 5 minutes to go an buy drugs. he was away nearly 3 hours.

of course i got a mouthful whe i suggested what he did was not normal (or acceptable)

princess - that is not normal - (nor is it acceptable IMHO)

trouble is addicts are so bloody good at making it seem your fault,,,,

Evening all, do you think that even if your dp?s got clean would you ever believe them ? I asked myself this question today and I am not to sure of the answer could you forgive them for all the things they have done, the lying, promises, the heartache they have put you through. Also once they were clean would you always be suspicious of them looking for clues that they are taking it again. All this has been running through my head because he has supposed to have given up but he is just to calm being really nice. I would have thought that it would take at least a few weeks for him to feel normal and a bit calmer and all the cannabis to get out of his system that?s why I am suspicious, went back into the garage to if the rizla is still there and it is in exactly the same place so maybe he has given up I just don?t know ! The real test will be this weekend as he gets paid so we will see.

Big hugs to you all x x x

hmm i have been in the position of forgiving him after he is so called clean and tbh have believed him. At times I have questioned him but have been constantly assured that i'm being paranoid etc.

When he left and he became clean because basically he nearly killed himself it turns out that he had only actually been clean for maybe 4-5 months about 3 times over the 11 years.

So for me I will always wonder if he was taking again.

Snow white I haven't got that far yet so I honestly don't know. I think you have to forgive the past misdemeanours or you will never move on, but I honestly think you will never trust them 100% again, you will always have it in the back of your mind that they might be up to no good.

I don't think I'll ever trust anyone 100% again though, as I've been lied to or cheated on by every man in my life, so that's just par for the course with me. I've got used to it now

nsfn I think you hit the nail on the head on a previous post that they are acomplished liars they know exactly how to hide things.

No. For me trust is gone. My H told me all the time that he was 'cutting down'; hardly smoked at al; never smoked in front of the children.

all lies

that the money I could, SEE disappearing was 'in my mind'

that the smell was 'me being paranoid'....

he is currently hung up on 'addiction is an illness; its not my fault'

any thoughts ??

I say bo**ocks its still a choice - not like getting cancer...he has had so many choices and chances...

Actually I am very angry with hi for trashing my family and hurting our children, and I wont have it swept away as " oh dear I'm ill"

Snowhite - I think the canabis come down takes 2 -3 weeks with irritability, poor sleep and agitation. Its not awful lik e stoppping alcohol, but psychologically hard I think..

need to sleep now

best wishes to all, Lst xx

GUP,

Re your comment:-
"I don't think I'll ever trust anyone 100% again though, as I've been lied to or cheated on by every man in my life, so that's just par for the course with me. I've got used to it now".

You don't have to get used to it or accept that as your lot in life. This mindset of yours can change with counselling and emotional work on your part (and that is going to be very difficult). You will need to unlearn the destructive relationship patterns you saw whilst growing up. After all, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents. I think I have written before that children who grow up in homes where alcoholism is present can often go on to find partners who are themselves alcoholic. Many of these people can become super responsible for the alcoholic.

Princesshobnob is on the money here - your childrens' grandad made choices of his own volition. You did not deprieve him of his grandchildren - he did that on his own. It was thus taken out of your hands and you needed to protect your children.

Know I bang on about counselling but I think it will be very helpful for you to see a counsellor on your own. I've also mentioned Al-anon - they could help too.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward has a chapter in it re alcoholism. You may want to buy a copy.

I wish you well.

Attila x

Thanks Attilla
x

feel absolutely sh*t today

dont really know why except that I am tired. I expect som of the adrenaline that has kept me going until now is starting to fad away and I am left in the position of being sole carer for 3 young children, having a FT job, being pretty skint as a result of havig to pay for everything AND childcare too ( at least I'm not paying hundreds of pounds each month for his weed)

just feel flat, short tempered and hopeless.

everything is too much effort

kids are great but I cant be bothered today

hope everyone else is ok esp GUP and princess HN - stay strong !

Hi alls, I listened to Attila a couple of months ago and contacted Al-anon. They put me through an ACOA (Adult Childrent of Alcoholics) meeting group and that was the best thing I've done for myself for ages. I wished I'd known about ACOAs so much earlier. I listened to the problem and cried in total shock. There are quite a few books and websites. I hope this can helps. I'm sorry to hijack, I really wanted to say thank you to Attila and offer my support.

I totally second what Attila said in her last post, and also wheredowegofromhere, so glad you found some support from those fellowships.

My late husband was an alcoholic and I recognise so many of the promises and the emotional blackmail that many posters have shared on here. Difference is that I'm also a recovering alcoholic and it wasn't until I threw in the towel and sought help from AA that I started to recover.

My husband carried out one of his threats: he committed suicide 3 years ago. I felt enormous guilt that I wasn't able to help him, and ultimately responsible for his death. I do know now that until he was ready, like me, to admit defeat, there was nothing anyone could do. It was a harsh lesson to learn but that is that reality for an alcoholic or an addict. It's progressive and terminal if left untreated and nothing and no-one can do anything but the addicts themselves.

It's important for loved ones to look after themsleves in this, there is a risk of trying to be the saviours/rescuers, which sometimes makes things worse. Some people find that they want to support their partners through the recovery but you need the tools to do so. The best thing you can do is go to a 12 step based fellowship (ACOA, Al-anon are fantastic) to learn how to look after yourself. It's not always easy to break away from an unhealthy relationship, but hopefully you may achieve a better understanding of how you can live a more contented life yourself.

Well I know he's done it again. Suspected earlier as gave me money he'd taken out of bank but had kept back £50, and was sitting in room watching endless porn - either taken something or has 2 addictions.
Then this evening went out supposedly to pay for electrician for tenant, came back, straight upstairs to porn again. I went to go to bed - have to be in with him as my sister is staying, demanded he turn it off, he refused, turned it off for him - he's gone downstairs to watch it, so i checked his pockets and phone - found paper it comes in, 2 train tickets issued at a time he claimed he was with electrician.

Although I am angry, frustrated and underneath the rage, also deeply sad, in some ways I am relieved that he has done it now, as I haven't had any time to start trusting him again or experiencing his normal side, so this time I am determined nothing will make me give him another chance.

Only problem is I have family around the next few days and would rather not ave big scene of arguments and chucking out in front of them.

Don't really want to tell them what he's done either. Not sure why.

Lemon - I think addiction is classed as a mental illness sometimes, but it's definitely about choices too. Of course he could have made different choices, but like all addicts he put his needs/desires/addicition before anything and anyone else.

I can imagine how hard it is for you, but at least you don't have to support his habit anymore, and gradually you'll escape from the emotional burden that an addict is. I tink it is exhausting just coping with the suspicion, the doubts, the blame, the behaviour and the lies.

princesshobnob

I am so sorry he has done this again what a twat. and after everything you said....... I know you expected it , but its still had isnt it... like every time my h said he would 'not smoke for a month' and managed 1 day ........

Can I sugges that you ask youself WHY you dont want your family to know ? are YOU ashamed ? because YOU ae done nothing wrong......

I never told a soul about my h's behaviour until after the first time he became really abusive. Then I told only 2 very very close friends (one of whom I hardly ever see) I think I was ashamed and afraid to start a ball rolling that I wouldnt be able to stop... ie if everyone knew they would ell me to leave him, which I knew I should, but couldnt face. Does that make any sense??

when it all blew up in August I fled with the kids to my brothers and then Itold him and then my mum and then everyone else...and that gave m e strength to stay away. Could you consider confiding in your sister and asking her for her help and support ??

I hope you are ok

lst xxx

Lemonstartree - I recognise that feeling,its how I felt on Sunday and Monday, like a bit horrible ache inside. Much as you are doing the right thing, you are still grieving for your dh and what might have been. I don't know the answer to it - I think you just have to ride through it till you come out the other end.

Kokeshi - how devastating for you. I've looked at the link and it makes a whole lot of sense - it describes me to a tee.

Princesshobnob - I agree with LST about hiding it from your family, but I know why you do it. Nobody except my Mum (and you lot) know about my dp. In my case I don't want everyone to think I'm a failure (which I know I'm not). I want to keep the illusion going for a while longer.

As for me - well I slept with him last night. I know I shouldn't have but I was so down and lonely and miserable that it felt right. Its only now I'm thinking "why did I do that?". I've put myself back on the treadmill again and given him hope.

He's not moving back in till he's been to the doctors and we've been to relate though. I just hope he still takes me seriously.

I've just had a thought

I'm think I'm as addicted to him as he is to drink. I know I shouldn't do it, but just can't stop myself.

That's a bit scary!

Hello. ive just been reading this thread as it struck a cord with me. lemonstartree you might remember me from an earlier thread.

my dh is an alcoholic and has pretty much ruined our lives over the last year although ive only been aware of the alcoholism for about 5. amongst other things he has taken three overdoses, one of which landed him in intensive care. he has drunk a small russian state's worth of vodka, been generally unpleasant and smashed things in the house. by august/september i was absolutely resolute that was it and i wasnt going to take anymore. he wasnt living at home and was really getting used to being on my own. its so nice to get up in the morning with ds not having to resent dh for staying in bed because he is ill and by this i mean hung over or still drunk from the night before.

anyway he seemed to turn a corner in september. he was like himself again and i agreed to spend some time with him. he bullied me into letting him move back in - he said i either let him come home or ihad to end it completelely. i wasnt ready for that so he came home. Big Mistake - thigs were great for a few days and i was sucked back into playing happy families.

within a few more days he was drunk and nasty again. it culminated with him putting his fist through the back door of our house. ds got used to him being home again so confused him and i felt heartbroken and let down all over again.

A few more weeks down the line and hey presto hes sober again - telling me he has changed and wants to try to get our family back to the way it was. i have said he cant come home to live but have spent time with himn and he has come to the house to see us.

i feel as though i am setting myself up for yet another fall but its so hard to move on when he is acting like the man i married again.

do you think people can really recover from addiction or am i kidding myself?? he is going to AA.

Sorry this is such a long post. xx

i have just re-read my post. apologies for the terrible spelling!!! xx

Mickeylou

hi there, I do indeed remember you ! I'm sorry you have had such a hard time.

I dont know how or why some people recover from addictions -in that they dont drink/use anymore and others dont. All the 'dry' alcoholics I know (and I know a few in my line of work) take it one day at a time, dont ever think they are 'cured' and KNOW THAT THEY CANT TAKE ANY mnd altering substances at all.

my h was an alcoholic before I met him, and although he gave up alcohol he just switched the addiction to drugs.

I also think that the acceptance that you are an addict, and the deniel. ansiety, grief that goea with that take smore than a few weeks to sort out. I think it probably takes a couple of years sober before the addict is 'stable' and in a better place. Sorry if that sounds awful But alot of addicts are the same in that its 'all or nothing' eg 'let me come home or its all over' and they are not prepared to wait for anything - ie Ive been clean for 6 weeks so now we can forget about all that.

Mickeylou I wouldnt dream of teling you what to do, BUT what about telling you h next tiem that f he choses to 'end all contact with you' that is HIS choice. You would like to keep seeing him and haveing contact with him, but noT with him living at home. Try not to allow him to bully you into doing something that you truly dont want to.

I think I am in a different place to alot of the other people here. I dont miss my h at all. i dont think I love him at all any more. His manipulation makes me SO angry - now I am away from him I see it for exactly what it is. Ive got nothing left for him. So its much easier to be strong.

wishing everyone strength
lst x

Hi everybody, I was wondering how are your respective relationships with their families? Mine has been non existent ever seen I said I wanted out of the relationship for my sake and DS. It's taken forever to arrange the finances to buy him out, so I think that they do not take me seriously.

They do not support me at all, maybe they are in denial about his drinking, however MIL has attended al-anon so I find this hard to believe. This is what SIL last said to me 3 months ago: 'Have you any idea how dangerous alcohol withdrawal can be, it generally requires help and a drug called Heminevrin for any one who is physically dependent . I do not see how you have helped him in any way.' Putting all responsibility firmly on my shoulders.

This is sad, for DS's sake especially. How do you all get on?
do you all get on?

My h's family have been fantastic. I am very very lucky.

I know they probably think that part of it is 'my fault' in terms of the relationshi breakdown, but they are under noillusions abou his behavious to me and the kids. My MIL saw some of his abusive behaviour lasy year and told me she 'was astonsihed that I took him back that time' His dad has been very supportive.

I really eally needed that at the beginning. constant reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I feel sad for you that his family cant/wont see that you need support....

It's sad all around because until they see he has the problem they will carry on blaming me. MIL went as far as blaming me for his drinking once, saying that I wasn't understanding enough of how emotional he was and that he had very low self-esteem. As if that was enough to justify drinking yourself up to 15K debt in 2 years...

My dp's family all rely on me to stop him drinking. When he's good they say how lucky he is that he has me, when he's bad they ask me what went wrong - as if I can control it!!!

We have relate on Monday night - don't know what to expect really.

He had to cancel doctors as he couldn't get away from work so that appointment is on Monday too now.

When they were still talking to me and he was calling them drunk they would always ask me what was the matter with him on that particular day? I'm the one being insulted but was told I was not understanding enough. There's nothing to understand - feeling a bit low right now.

Another week's gone by, I'm kind of dreading the weekend now. He has a leaving do tonight and an engagement's party tomorrow. He's going to be drunk all weekend, sorry 'very tired'. It's going to be fun, fun, fun.

hi all, my in laws are not speaking to me anymore. we are in lots of debt which they expected my dad to dig us out of. they offered to "lend" us half what they expected my dad to "give" (nb my dad lent dh £70K to set up his own business before we knew about the drinking!) their offer of help was conditional on me taking dh back. i told them i wouldnt be blackmailed and would make a decision based on what was best for me and ds. my dad was less polite.

also my mil used to look after ds for me three days a week - she doesnt anymore. mainly because she took him behind my back to the hospital after the serious overdose. ds is only 2 (tomorrow).

i have been letting dh have ds on a sunday at his parents (where he is living)on the understanding there is no drinking. they have made it clear they want him more but i've had it with them at the moment.

his mother especially has always been so in my face and over the top about how they think of me as a daughter etc - they dropped me like a bomb as soon as i started sticking up for myself.

wheredowegofromhere i can completely relate to what you are saying. i have also been blamed for his drinking - they think its all caused by the debt and that i should have been aware of the extent of this. when i have tried to sort the debt out they have told me to stop bombarding him as they dont want him ending up in the morgue.aaagh! what they wont admit is he had a drink problem before he even met me. i see that now and think it dates back to his uni days. they know it too but its easier to blame me!

Sorry for the rant the topic hit a nerve or ten!!!

i hope you all have a happy weekend without any horribleness. love ML

Hi everyone. Just a couple of things from my experience.

Alcoholics/addicts CAN recover although it is always going to be "one day at a time" my DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean and sober for over two years BUT we went through hell - and he went through 3 x detoxes and rehab! Life is by no means perfect, we are broke (he is freelance and it is very hard to get work after having been "off the radar" for a few years. He goes to AA about 5 times a week - can't imagine him ever stopping now.

Mikeylou I feel for you. I had no support - pil live away and didn't believe he was drinking (he said he wasn't and they believed him, todl me I must be lying). My mum and dad (both now dead) were no support. My dad was ill, my mum used to say "everyone likes a drink".

It is lonely, even now, living with a recovering alcholic, it's a bit like being divorced. Friends don't know how to cope, don't understand why you didn't leave, done't understand why he didn't "just stop" and you never get invited out anymore as people can't handle someone who doesn't drink at their dinner parties.

Wheredowegofromhere - I don't know if you go to alanon but they would tell you you didn't cause his drinking and you cannot control it. I have recommended the Getting Them Sober website and books before. They were a lifesaver to me and my children. However your sister in law is correct - it is VERY dangerous for an alcie to go "cold turkey". Last time we were desperate to get my dh in to detox he threatened to just do it alone and our gp very quickly got him in to hospital! AA sayings - if you lock up 10 drug addicts and 10 alcholics in a room for a fortnight after two weeks you will have 10 very angry but clean drug addicts but you will probably have two dead alcoholics. One of the hardest things I went through was the time DH was DESPERATE to stop, had really reached rock bottom and I was "prescribing" the lowest level of vodka to "keep him safe" before he could go in.

AA and alanon are wonderul as you realise thousands of others have gone through and are going through the same thing.