SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Sorry I haven't been able to respond sooner.

This may come accross as sounding harsh but please please don't be sucked back in by any guilt you may have that she has got so bad. You can still care but you have to be very careful that your feelings for her & her children don't beome used and abused - because they will. You cannot 'save' your friend but you can help yourself to deal with your reactions to her drinking.

Had you not gone to see her after Mothers' Day you would've been non the wiser to the state she was in. I don't know if her sister is receiving any help for herself but she is actually doing the right thing - it may appear that her sister is uncaring but really she isn't. Your friend realises that her sister cannot be 'relied upon' to bail her out so she turns to you because she knows you will.

I cannot 'advise' you on whether you should or should not get in touch with her now - if that is what you are asking? I understand your devastation at discovering how bad she has become, but ultimately, her downward spiral may yet be her salvation and she may decide to seek sobriety through AA. She really has to hit her rock bottom - you also need to know that your friend losing job, house & kids may not be enough to hit rock bottom either.

SS thank you again.

I think my friend's sister is either not aware, or in denial that the problem exists to be honest. I don't know her that well but that's the impression I get, although perhaps she's just a lot brighter than me.

I have tears now thinking that it might get worse for my friend, but most of all for her dcs. I was hoping the hospitalisation would be her rock bottom but now realise there might be worse to come. She did actually phone me earlier and said she was tackling the house one room at a time. I also learned that she had signed herself out of the hospital. She didn't mention anything about her plans to go forward or the word alcohol for that matter. She did thank me for my help with the dcs yesterday (I went round and got them out to school while she was in hospital).

Shortly after this her exh phoned me to give me an update, and we had a little bit of a chat. I said to him I don't know what to do and that I used to sometimes go round there and help her but I now realise this was no good. I explained to him that I hadn't realised just how bad things were. He said 'we've all been there, going round and clearing up and then she just goes back the same'. So its clear that I wasn't the only one doing it. He also thanked me for what I'd done.

I'm really greatful for this thread and thank you SS. Perhaps I'll leave it for a few days and see what happens.

My friend's exdh is going round to hers for dinner on Sunday so at least he's sort of keeping an eye on her. Perhaps that's why he left. I think he's living with another woman now.

What a nightmare.

Hello all,

Monty, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Its terrible to see someone hitting self-destruct like that

snowie, thank you for the link, I might give that a try, as I am unable to attend the local meetings.

Here things are as usual, mostly ok, bordering goodish. still drinking though, and some days the white of his eyes look distinctly ill, usualy red, but there's been a couple of occasions now where I could have sworn they were tinged with yellow. Stupid twunt.

Anyway,big step forward for me, and my head is still processing the reality, but last sat I ended up filing a non-recorded DV report. His beaviour was nowhere near as bad as it has ben, but something snapped. I will not have my children hearing his shit. I will not have them seeing me hit, even though it was a small hit, compared to other times [fuck me, look at how much I've normalised his past behaviour]

Ayway, I am now on the system. Don't really know what happens now, except that info will be passed to my gp, hv, ds's school, dd1's pre-school... It was mortifying to sit there and be asked why had I not reported some of the past incidents. the copper wasn't happy about letting us go, but we knew he'd be fast asleep. once asleep an atom bomb wouldn't wake him.

Sorry, this has turned into another me post, I just neeed to get it all off my chest

Hope everone else is ok xx

Hiya, I'm still alive... just gone through a few weeks of trying to get as much time to regain balance as possible and frantic activity.

Monty - all SS's comments are spot on... please get in touch with Al Anon, they will certainly help put things in context.

Ready - how good to hear from you! I'm very proud you took such a huge step - I never could myself - well done... made me feel very emotional, sometimes when I read about all the crap we have to put up with, I wish in big moments like this we could physically be there, to hold each other's hand.

DH has been back for a week and a bit - so far, so good. Hard work, but positive. He completed Step 2 and Step 3 before coming back home, and has been attending AA meetings since he came back.

SS - definitely not projecting, and concentrating massively on Al Anon. I've got lots of work to do on my recovery, everything up until now it's been about DH's recovery, and now about his sobriety - need time for me. Re: understanding the disease, I've covered a fair amount of ground over the last 10 yrs +, but there's always more to learn! One of the books I've found very helpful in the past is "Under the Influence" - have any of you come across it too? It'd be good to discuss it.

Hi everyone - just a quick one as I've been away for Easter with no internet....

I have an appt. with my Barrister later on this am; we go back to Court next Thurs. So it's all slowly cranking into gear - and if he won't play ball and finalise then I'm getting an injunction cos there is no way I'm living with him for another 3/12 until we go back to court again. And hang the cost - I'm beyond living with that madness anymore

DD & STBEH are at his parents so I'll be lapping up the peace even though I'm working for 3 of those days!

Hey, what do you think of the Governments' latest proposal about stopping benefits for alcoholics?! Can't see it working myself, but would be interested to hear what anyone else thinks.

Snowie & Ready - great to hear from you both. Snowie - who is the author of that 'Under the Influence' book?

Hi SS - good to hear from you. You must be at the end of your tether by now, I hope all goes well next Thursday and that it puts an end to the (immediate) situation.

The authors of the book are two doctors, Milam & Ketcham - you can still get it from Amazon.

Re: the Government's latest wheeze - I cannot see it working either! There was an AA being interviewed by Radio 4's PM programme yesterday, and she basically said the only thing that will get an alcoholic into recovery will be reaching their own rock bottom, and that cannot be externally imposed, by the Government or anyone else. The issue is being hotly discussed at Radio 4's PM blog.

I hope everyone else is OK.

Thanks Snowie! I shall be buying the book next week when I get paid....

My meeting went well this am - but I had to keep reminding myself that STBEH's mind is a very sick one and that his take on reality is not to be taken seriously. Which is extremely difficult when his 'side' come out with blatent nonsense - it all looks so 'normal' on paper. But then again, after 7 years of madness, it isn't surprising that I still could fall for it and actually believe it....and then get wound up with myself for being taken in

SS - keep strong, you can do it! I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Aw thanks Snowie!

STBEH announced last night that his father may be bringing him & DD back tomorrow instead of Sunday....I'm already working - he knew this and now I'm going to have to leave early . I haven't reacted but I'm so mad. Almost to the point of wanting to say 'yeah, I'll come and collect you both instead' then drive off before he gets in the car! Don't mind me, I'm just venting off.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Thinking of you, SS.

Let us know how things went.

Hello everyone!!!
Firstly I am sorry I haven't been on this thread for such a long time.
Snowie - I'm glad to hear that DH is still doing well with his recovery. It is such a hard step to take and I hope he is one of the success stories.
Ready - well done you for reporting his DV. Its a small step but its good for you to show him you won't put up with his rubbish. Its also good for your dd to see you standing up for yourself.
Squirrel - I am that the divorce is taking so long for you (its been over a year now hasn't it?). You must have the patience of a saint to put up with it so long.
And as for me ... well things are going well for me. I am still with DP (don't shout at me please!!) but he is a lot lot better than he was. He does still drink but nowhere near to the excess that he did last summer and I really can't remember the last time I saw him drunk.
I am a lot different in my outlook now. He still doesn't live with us and I've no plans to change that (ever!). I have stopped stressing about him, and started to concentrate more on my dc, my friends and family and my job. I guess I see myself now as a single parent with a boyfriend which suits me a lot better. The dc are happy with the situation, they have a great relationship with him and their biological dad and his dd is like a sister to them both.
Before you jump on me Attilla (I'm fully expecting you to!) I'm not making excuses for him any more and I'm not enabling him. I've detached myself to the point where his drinking really doesn't affect me, and so far it is working, the less I seem to care the less he drinks. And if he does drink then he doesn't see us.
I will still be buying a copy of the book Snowie recommended. It looks very interesting reading.

Hi Ginnny,

I was wondering how you were getting on so was very pleased to see an update from you.

You have come a heck of a long way and I am very pleased to read your present day situation. It does come across as being a lot happier for you and your children. I am very pleased that he does not live with you all as well; he was just stressing you all out.

Ok, so you are still with him (I plead the Fifth!)but he is of secondary importance.

Stay strong and importantly maintain the boundaries you have set. I think you have shown him that, finally, you are not to be trifled with.

Do you still attend the Al-anon meetings, I hope so as I am sure they have helped you tremendously. This is not to deny you any credit at all as you have done a lot of work too.

With best wishes

Attila

Hi Attilla.
Yes he is of secondary importance - a great way to put it!!
I've learnt to be more selfish and I'm not dependent on him for anything at all. If we see each other now it is completely on my terms and he knows full well I won't put up with any of the shit he put me through in the past.
We are a lot closer now, I think because we are more honest with each other, I know he'll never stop drinking completely and he knows I won't live with him or be near him when he drinks so we've reached a compromise.
I haven't been to alanon for ages now. I don't feel I need it at the moment, but I'll definitely go back in the future if I need to.
I hope everyone else who started out on this thread are doing OK - PrincessHobNob, Lemon, Zookeeper etc.

Hi Everyone - Ta Daaaa....went to Court yesterday and It Is All Over Now -

I have managed to keep the house, I pay him a settlement in 3 instalments over the next year(less than 1/2 what he started asking for....)and........fanfare of trumpets........he has to move out within 7 days of receiving the 1st instalment (which he'll get next week). How fab is that?

I feel very relieved that it is all finalised; I don't feel any bitterness/resentment/anger. And I feel at peace. I guess that I've had 16 months of hassle (to put it mildly) to get used to it .

So to anyone else who may be thinking of divorcing an addict - I am proof that there is life afterwards, that the addict can & will survive if you start to focus on yourself and your DC's instead of waste valuable energy & resources in trying to change them & their behaviour. It's vitally important that you use that energy to get yourself well & strong - and especially when there are children involved.

yay, SS! fantastic news! well done you xx

That's great SS.
Its the start of a whole new life for you and I hope you are very very happy.
xx

Hi, just popped in briefly to say I'm so happy for you ss. Must be a huge relief after all this time.Here's to a much happier future

ginny glad you've found a way to manage your situation works for you

snowie hope things still going OK

Ready glad you're making progress too

Hope everyone else is ok.

As for me - things have been worse than I ever imagined i would let them get, but I'm working on how to extricate myself. Just wish could turn back the clock, but hey. He's not living here at the mo, though comes and goes as he feels, and I'm trying to get support for the future. Sadly I didn't protect my future, and took the easier path of letting him take control of my life, instead of doing what i always knew I should and not only leaving long ago, but staying gone. In many ways I feellike I alowed him to ruin my ife - certainy ruined it financially. But the dc are great so at least can't entirely regret meeting him.

Princess - I felt the same when things were really bad; I'd look at our DD and it would make me smile.

How is it that your P is able to 'come & go' as he feels? It is never too late to start taking control yourself....please don't let all the 'if only's' get in the way of what you need to be doing now. You have to start being strong now, you can be strong now. Sending you lots of encouragement and strength ((((()))))

How is everyone else?

I've been reading this thread for a long time but never posted. I threw my husband out on Friday as I couldn't/can't cope with his addiction (cannabis) any longer and the affects it has on me and my children...

When I look back, I guess I've been enabling him for a long time. We've been married 7 years this August but grew up together so know each other very well. He has various mental health issues including PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and possibly borderline personality disorder. When we got married he wasn't smoking and he was aware that one of the biggest factors in me divorcing my first husband was cannabis (best thing I ever did!), that relationship was abusive and he was a bastard. DH has never tried to hurt me or the kids, he is loving, kind and thoughtful but totally irresponsible. I've been carrying this family for too long now and couldn't cope with his constant promises to give up, then never carrying out his promises and manipulating me into putting up with it. He stayed at friends on friday night but they couldn't put him up saturday and he came back and threatened suicide and begged me to stay in the shed (he's been homeless before and was consumed with the fear of things that had happened to him then); my parents put him up in a hotel for the weekend - for MY benefit, not his. So, today he is officially homeless and is going to the council to find out if they can help. I've tried so hard to detach myself from him but I love him so so much. I tried to get him sectioned last week following him almost taking an overdose but they didn't take him in the end.

I'm trying so hard to keep strong. He is finally starting to realise that this is a result of his behaviour and not something I'm doing to him - I begged him not to push me into this but he just kept smoking and smoking and smoking. He is a true addict in every sense of the word - he can't sleep, eat or poo without a joint. A couple of weeks ago he self-harmed because he didn't have anything. That was when I told him he should find somewhere else to live, he had two weeks but didn't make nearly enough effort because he didn't believe I'd go through with it.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really - my head is spinning all over the place and this post is probably just a jumble of words. I'm fed up with being the victim, I'm trying to take control and stand up and take responsibility and do something about it. I'm hoping and praying that he finds somewhere to live, then pieces his life back together and learns to become responsible for himself so he can come home clean. He seems to be on board with this plan but he's always been good at saying what needs to be said - he now needs to prove it.

Not sure if I should go out for the day as I'm half expecting him to come here and beg for me to let him stay in the shed...

Sorry to have rambled, already feel better for getting this all off my chest

Hi Purple.
So sorry you are going through this, but you have done the right thing.
I would say YES go out today and don't be there when he comes round asking to stay in the shed. That is his way of manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.
He is a grown man and can sort out his own housing situation.
I hope he finds the help he needs.

Hello

I don't really know where to begin, but my dh is an addict- of various things it seems. I found out 2 years ago (not long after the birth of our second) that he had been using cocaine to the point of putting us in debt badly. Stupid me believed him when he said it was finished and for a year we were in a cycle of me getting bank statements to prove opposite and him telling lies. He finally seemed to kick his habit 6 months ago, but since then has "worked" late almost always and regularly goes absent for a night or weekend (it started slowly, but has got progressively worse).
A couple of months ago I discovered he has an OW (he claims its not physical,but...)
I asked him to leave last month after a warning that one more night away would be the end and he has. I'm just so sad. I've lost the dh I always loved to this horrible lying monster. I have 2 young children who won't have a daddy. I live overseas right now and know I won't cope here without support so I'm making plans to move back to the UK but it all breaks my heart. I have a home and friends here and could offer my children so much more in this country, but I'm so lonely and forging a career would be so hard without support.

I'm lucky dh is not abusive (in fact as he absents himself from me I don't really have to see him drunk much!) and he has let me take all comtrol of the money he earns so financially we are recovering, but how do you ever get over losing someone you love to addiction? The man I married has all but gone but I can't openly grieve for him or even tell anyone but close friend what is going on...

Thanks for listening, I just had to share this and reading that other people u7nderstand as they go through it too helps so much

Hi bobblehead.
You can tell people about it. It is no shame on you and you will find that people are understanding. It is his problem and his addiction. It is heartbreaking to see the person you love turn into such a monster, but you have to remember that it is the addiction taking over their brains. The man you love is still in there somewhere but until he can kick the addiction he will remain the monster.
Is the OW an addict too? Addicts tend to surround themselves with other addicts as a way of making their own behaviour seem 'normal'.
Well done for making the break. Its the right thing to do for you and your dc.
You might want to look further up this thread where there is a link to AlAnon. They do have online meetings in case they do not have meetings where you are, and I think you will find them very helpful (I know I did)
good Luck.

Thanks Ginny

I do think the OW has problems. Obviously dh has told me huge lies about it all (including that he has never mer her but he often refers to her as a "psychbitch" and did once say she seems to have a bit of a coke habit and many "issues".

I'm feeling a little better today. Much stronger generally that life will be ok no matter what. We also spoke tonight and it felt that it was dh I was talking to, not the addict monster. He is coming home at the weekend on the understanding it is a 6 month trial and I will leave for good if I'm not happy about it after that time.

Glad you are feeling better.
Make sure you set strict rules for him when he comes home. I would say no drink or drugs at all and absolutely no contact with OW.
If he breaks the rules now, knowing how close he is to losing you then he deserves all he gets imo.
Also, I know how hard it is but you really must stick to your ultimatum this time. I made so many ultimatums and caved on them and in the end I think DP lost all respect and just thought he could walk all over me.

bobblehead, I totally agree with ginny, I'm living it now too - so comforting to know we're not alone! I take my hat off to you because my xh turned out to be sleeping with another woman and I made the decision to divorce him as a result. My situation was a little different as he had been abusive for 8 years and looking back, it was the excuse I needed to get out of the relationship. Keep strong, hope things go OK...

DH ended up approaching my parents for help so he's staying there for now. He's going to group sessions at the local drug dependency clinic as well as one to one sessions. Its a bit cloudy as to when his last joint was but I know for a fact he hasn't had one since Monday so we're now on DAY 4 and taking it a day at a time. I've detached myself as much as possible as he needs to do this for himself without my help. My parents are buying some home testing kits so he can be tested on an ad-hoc basis as he can't be trusted just yet. In the meantime, I'm concentrating on running the house, looking after 3DC's and thinking about how I can get myself strong for when he gets home or this will all have been a waste of time. I need to find myself again but I miss him dearly as he really is my best friend/lover etc. If it wasn't for the green we'd have a near perfect marriage!

Looking into what support I can get - have noticed you guys often mention al-anon so might look down that route. Also looking at relate too.

PLP xxx