SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Lemon - you're not a cow. You sound great to me. I wish I was more like you.
Dp was meant to be taking me for a meal tonight, but he was half cut before we left the house and he got steadily worse, his curry was really hot so he started necking the wine down like it was water
Anyway we ended up in a horrible dive where they were doing karaoke, and some of his mates were in there. He went outside for a fag and I had just had enough so ... I legged it. I just told his mate I was making a move and ran home (only round the corner).
He hasn't come home yet, but there will be a row when he does. I've never done that before. I just thought to myself "why am I here, what am I doing" so I upped and went.
I got home 20 minutes ago, so he's obviously stayed to 'enjoy himself'. Not too bothered about me then!
It was awful though, everyone in there was rolling their eyes behind his back. He's such an embarrassment when he's pissed, I was cringing, and ashamed to be seen with him.

How can ou stop loving someone ? I did love him when we married, I love him when our children were born, I loved him for a log time. I thought i loved him rightup until he went. But now - I know that I cant love him -or i would miss him, want to see him, etc. So where did that love go ? why did it die, or did I never love him inthe first place. And if that is so, then do i really love anyone ? ram I just selfish and self centered like he say ????

GUP - what a horrible evening, I'm glad you were closeenough to home to just leave. Hope you are OK this morning - what time did he get home ?? When he has been like this, does he apologise ? does he realise that others are laughing at him?? Would he listen to anyone else about his drinking ? eg a mate

Princess- sounds like a really stresful way to live. Can you make some plans in your head for being seperate from him perhaps put a little money away into a secret account. Perhaps if youthink it through enough you will be able to carry it out .....

Zookeeper does your H see your dc ?

do have days where I feel brave and proud and strong to have ended things and other days where I feel weak and ashamed and wonder if I could have done more to help. I miss the lovely person that deep down he is .

I know exactly how you feel !

sending you all hugs

Lemon, its like they are 2 different people. Your dh that you married, had dc with and lived with is a different person to the addict he ended up as.
Love is not unconditional, as much as you can love someone 100% if they change or constantly let you down, eventually that love will die.
Don't believe his bullT, you are not self centred or any of the things he called you. Addicts typically try to deflect the blame off themselves and that's what he's doing, trying to make you doubt your own feelings.
Stay strong, we're all here behind you!
(Dp came home, threw up and passed out) He bought me a cup of tea this morning and said sorry. He's gone to work now and I'm doing my own thing with the dc today, so he can ^&( off!!

GUP - how are you? I think it's really good you thought about yourself and your own happiness and left. He's making his choice to drink, but you don't have to put up with his choices.

Lst - I think it's very hard to keep loving someone who doesn't meet your needs. An addict is selfish, you aren't selfish for standing up for yourself and your children. Of course you are capable of love. You must love your dc and yourself, because you got your husband to leave. And did you encourage your husband to get help? Did you give him information on how to get help? Did you stand by him for a long time hoping your support would help him? Then you DID do enough to help him. But letting him live with you is not helping him, it is making it easier for him to continue. You can't make him change - maybe he never will, but at least now you don't have to have the consequences in your home.

My partner still says I should let him stay because he's been good lately. Let's remember that he's done 4 days without drugs. But he has never done drugs every day, he can do a week without, or even longer occasionally, then do it every day for 2-3 days or whatever. He doesn't seem to realise 4 days clean does not mean he is cured. But again, yes it's me who is selfish etc. He found a cheque I have for less than £7 and started moaning that how can I say he is wasting money if I don't pay it in straight away???? Cos that's really comparable with spending £450 in 1 week????

How can I stop responding to him with anger, because it is just making me feel worse, not solving anything, and awful for dd to hear. I want to be able to stay calm. I think he deliberately tries to make me angry sometimes, so he can say i have problems, that I am to blame for everything. He says I flare up, so how can we talk about things sensibly? But it's like he's focusing on that as the problem, instead of that addiction.

I know I am not perfect, but the main problem is NOT me. I sometimes struggle to remember this. Listening to you all, and puttig my jumbled thoughts down here helps me - I just want to be strong enough to make him leave the house. He is still talking as if we are buying the house, and doing it up. He is self delusional!!! But sometimes I catch myself thinking, maybe we will do these things. Am I brainwashed? I know that is the path to financial ruin unless a miracle occurs and he suddenly stops. I'd love that to happen, but I am a realist.

That's my problem too Splish. The anger. He knows exactly how to push my buttons, he goes straight for my weaknesses and sets me off. That is why now if possible I try to walk away before he can do that, which is what I did last night. If I'd stayed it would have turned into a major row, then of course this morning I would have been to blame for kicking off .
I feel for each one of you, I really do, and MN has helped me so much. Its good to be able to pour all your feelings out into the PC and get instant support from people in the same situation.
Long live Mumsnet!!!

sorry, ss is me too, forgot who I was this morning

glad I'm not the only one who gets angry then gets the blame

Also I think I have problems being assertive, and use anger to help me. I was thinking of going to the GP to see if I could get counselling - with this, mum dying, mc.all in the last 8 months... is it no wonder I feel like I'm going mad???

That's a hell of a lot to deal with in such a short space of time, and your dh is not helping or supporting you at all.
I went for counselling last year, I had an accident and my dad died in the space of a week and I couldn't cope at all (dp was being a git as well at the time!). It really did help. I would definitely recommend it. It is good just to be able to pour your heart out and know you won't be judged, just listened to.

I would second the counselling thing... can be really helpful in ordering your thoughts

My H is clean (he says.. and this time I believe him) and attending NA meetings. He has been clean for about 6 weeks I guess, and he looks alot better.

he says he realises now what he has too lose/has lost.

why do I feel like its all too late.

I feel guilty because I dont want him back, clean or not. I just want him gone.....

Feel exhausted and unable to get past the guilt/worry/expectation that I 'should' forgive him and try (yet) again....

.....??

You don't have to want him back, LST. It's good to hear he's doing well at the moment, for the sake of his children.
It's no wonder your love has been worn away, and you are perfectly entitled to decide to move on with your life. You've spent a great deal of time living his life with him, now live the life you choose.

OK - I'll call the GP Monday, and see if I can organise counselling. I have the family support group in the evening as well, so am hoping that's helping.

Sat down with partner and his mum this afternoon. He didn't enjoy the experience, but his mum has a better picture of his problem, and I found it helpful to be able to discuss things with a 3rd party present. He said I was stupid, that my decision making is poor, that I am not goin to be successful on my own... basically saying I cannot make such a decision! He finally agreed to go in 2 weeks.

He was angry, but has since reflected it seems, and he's actually talking like he might get some help.But he still sounds a bit overconfident that it will be easy to stop. He wants me to let him stay... I'm so feeble, as soon as it looks like I might succeed in separating from him, I get all teary about losing him.

HELP

H came round yesterday to drop off ds2 who has spent the afternoon with him. Foolishly I let him come in for a coffee.
He looks and sounds so much better. I can see the man I married and I can see what he could be. For the first time in I dont know how long he actually listened without interrupting, we were able to have a converstaion. I didnt mincemy words and told him that by the time I kicked him out Ineither liked nor respected him and that I couldnt see the valu in that relationship.

again for the first time in a long long time he did not attempt to manipulate me or blackmail me, he took what I said and just told me that he would do anything at all to have us back, that he recognised all the awful things he had done and was so sorry.

so now I feel worse than ever. I had reconciled myself to being alone- its been ok. But obviously life with 3 ds's and a ft job and a home is no bed of roses. I have nothing remotely approaching a social life and am exhausted most of the time....

the kids want him back

F*kety f*k. dont kno w hat to do

cant believe I am even considering it.

but maybe I should try????

Oh dear this is just not easy is it(sorry for gatecrashing your thread girls)...will email you later - but only you can know what is right for you though I would be really really careful and not make any decisions in haste...

Hi Lemontree

I can understand your confusion because I have days where I just want DP back and he hasn't even stopped his drinking!

I don't have any answers butI don't think that you are in a fit state to make such a big decision. I have three dcs and only work p/t and I am absolutely exhausted a lot of the time so you must be 100 times worse.

I think that you should concentrate on focusing your energies on building a good life for you and your dcs. If in a years' time, when you have developed a support network and coping strategies and are not exhausted you would prefer to have dh back with you then at that stage you can think again.

I think you should concentrate on developing your own life as a single mum, which I know is easier said than done with three dcs. Somehow try to find a way to develop new interests and new people so that you can get a bit of perspective on your relationship. Also try to reestablish links with old friends who could offer support. Try to spend some time alone just to think about things and make sense of it all, even if it's an hour in the bath once the dcs are in bed.

Could you reduce your hours slightly? If you're like me if you're not working you're caring for the dcs which can be very draining.

Counselling would help to clarify what you are thinking and to help you realise if you really should try again or you are just (understandably) sticking to what you know.

I hope this helps - I have not much time today but I didn't want your thread to go unanswered. I do understand how you feel as if dp turned up on my doorstep sober and like he used to be and apologetic etc even now if he got me on a weak moment I would struggle not to have him back. Deep down though I know that that would be a mistake.

lst - I can understand the temptation, but I think it's probably very early days to be considering taking him back. Maybe you can spend some more time together as a family, and he could spend time with them, so you get a bit of a break.

Is part of your desire to have him back because it's difficult managing on your own? Because while that's understandable, it's probably not a great reason to take him back.

Congratulate him on the progress he's made, and maybe work on rebuilding your relationship, but not live together, and try and develop other support networks so if in the future you get back together it's not because you feel you have to.

Why not set a goal to reassess things, like in 6 months time. My dp has asked if he can stay if he's "good" for the next 2 weeks. Make sure he's changing because he wants his future to be different, not just to get you back.

that is very very good advice. thanks

I DO feel that he is changing because he wants me back; and I agree thats nota great reason to do so.

I have no idea if I consider having him back because I am afraid of the unknown; because he is the kids father; because It is hard on my own without support in the house; because I feel sorry for him; because I feel guilty ???

I have done nothing

I didnt reply to his email today because I feel my head is being messed with

I am trying to sort out a bit of Xtra childcare so that I have some space...just not to feel so completely pressured every minute of the day would be a start. I put in an ad for an aupair and have been overwhelmed by the number of applications. Now decided I really can't face another person in the house and will try to get some live out after school care for the two elder dc's.

we had a marriage counsellor who was great, and I did se her oce after the separation, but TBH I cant afford it now( I mean really can't afford it with the babysitting cost too) as I am responsible for the mortgage, all childcare and everything.

I think I have begun to forget just how awful,he was and in my mind I am romanticising what I hoped/wanted him to be, wat I hoped from my marriage. Not a god reason to have him back

I DO know that I wont risk my dc's being distressed by all this any more that they need to be. Ds1 (9) is already pretty upset and the thought of h moving back in and repeating his behaviour is just too awful to contemplate.

thanks again for your advice, It does really help

lst x

my spelling is awful, even when i proof read.... sorry x

LST - I think the others are right, don't make any big decisions now when you are stressed and vulnerable. Wait till your childcare issues are sorted and you are on a more even keel and then give it some more thought. He has started to make the effort and to see the consequences of his actions, but he has a long way to go yet.
If he's serious about wanting you back, he'll wait for as long as it takes.

Oh God I feeel so down - I 've been fine all day but it's hit me that me and the kids have been less important to DP than his bloody drink

I hate him so much - it was my little ds' 4th bday today and he didn't even send a card

Oh ZK, sorry I can't offer any experience but for you and your 4 year old.

Thanks Colditz - I'm going to hide under my duvet now and will hopefully feel better tomorrow

Oh ZK how rubbish is that

what a prick

hope you have a better day today xx

ZK that's horrible for you. I think it hurts more when they put drink over the dc. Its double the pain isn't it.
My dp is in the pub again today. His mates mum has died so he's consoling him. Am I an awful person to secretly think he's glad of the excuse to do it
God I am so hideous, I can't believe I even think that!

GUP you are not an awful person. You have become cynical because his behaviour has MADE you become cynical.

experience has taught you that any excuse and he will reach for the bottle.

stupid git.(him not you obviously )

sorry feeling angry and unsympathetic to all addicts today

I hate that he's made me like this though. I am normally not so cynical (honest!). Everytime something bad happens to him this little voice inside my head thinks "here he goes, another excuse to get drunk".
I have found a council house swap to the other side of town on the internet and I keep thinking of going for it and not telling him. Then I can disappear and not have to deal with it all anymore.
I'm having crazy thoughts that are out of character - I'm finally going mad!