SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

GUP, I know what you mean about not telling anyone because they'll think you're a failure. I know it's him who has the problem, but I suppose I feel it reflects on me that I'm involved with him, that I've put up with it etc. It's so alien to me, I've never even tried a cigarette, let alone anything else. I hardly ever drink. No one in my family drinks or smokes, so how did I end up with him. When I met him he seemed so lovely. He still can be that man, but my feelings have been gradually eroded. Sometimes I feel he is no more than a lodger, and a very strange one at that.

My family have all gone now. I'm pretty sure he probably did it again last night - met a friend to go to a film, then arrived home at about 8 this morning. Found a scrunch of paper it comes in in his pocket, saw he'd called a porn line at 1.30am... he denies it of course. I've asked him when he's going as he promised to leave without an argument if he did it again, and he admits he did it the othe rnight. He just asks why I keep going on about it. He's celebrating his birthday this weekend, so it's not convenient for him.

I feel like a different person. Constantly angry around him, suspicious, resentful, I want to be free of him. I think an addict is immensely selfish, and that makes them incapable of having any kind of successful relationship

In my case, I've been engaged 3 times now and every time its gone wrong. I feel like deep down everyone will be thinking that if its happened 3 times maybe its my fault. Dp always says I'm a nightmare to live with so I even start to question whether I am somehow to blame. That's how they manipulate us.
They say girls always fall for men like their dad's and although I've always fought against doing that, somehow I always end up with these men, so it is something I'm doing, subconsciously.
We've got relate tomorrow. I'm sure he'll tear me to shreds in there and make it all my fault, but I'm feeling like I don't care any more. I don't even know if I still love him even, definitely not as much as I used to.

Hi GUP

I have read your message with great interest. Following on from that I would like to reiterate what I wrote earlier to you:-

This mindset of yours can change with counselling and emotional work on your part (and that is going to be very difficult).

You will need to unlearn the destructive relationship patterns you saw whilst growing up. After all, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents. I think I have written before that children who grow up in homes where alcoholism is present can often go on to find partners who are themselves alcoholic. Many of these people can become super responsible for the alcoholic.

You need counselling separately from him and I do hope that some sessions on your own are suggested. I hope the counsellor can help you. It will be very difficult for you but I think you'll give it a bloody good go.

Hi I haven't read all the posts here but I thought I'd mention FAMANON a support group for families and partners of drug addicts. check out www.famanon.org.uk for more info.
It has been a huge support to me over the last few years
whilst struggling to live/ support my partner through the toughest time of our lives.

wishing you all a brighter future.

i feel rubbish

i am tired of being strong, I dont want this life. Its not what I chose.

he is out there, atending his NA meetings. living with his folks, lying in bed all day ( at the weekends) and looking 15 years younger , and ALL and I mean ALL the responsibility for the kids/house/finance everything everything is mine.

I feel exhausted , ground down and unsupported.

I dont trust him with the kids, hes been far too horrible in the past. si its supervised access; and dont get me wrong I wouldnt have it any other way, but I am under such immense pressure that I think I will explode.

sorry. needed to let off a bit

hope everyone else is ok ?

Hi Lst, I'm sorry to hear you're finding things so hard. I guess the only way is to try and focus on what you have gained form him leaving. It's bound to be hard adjusting to life as a single parent, but I think it has to be better than what you were living with before.

my partner is still the same. Did it again last night - celebrated his birthday, paid for all his mates to go out, told me none of them had paid him back, then off he went to lock himself in his room, after telling me he'd come home early for my benefit as I'd been sad earlier. I did something deceitful, and wrong, and texted his friends from his phone, as if him, saying I'd forgotten who'd paid, who hadn't. They all had paid at least partially. Although don't think what I did was right, I found it so empowering to know 100% he was lying left right and centre. So many times I've been told my suspicions are wrong - no, that rolled up paper etc is old, I called that person for someone else, I've lent the money to someone, we'll get it back, etc etc - it's hard not to doubt yourself and your instincts. I told him what I'd done - when he denied doing it, said how could he without any money, said I knew he'd had money. We argued and argued.
Only reason haven't told him to get out today is his birthday. He still doesn't get it. Still talking about how will be nice to have another child (had mc not that long ago)

Sorry for long rambling. Just need to get it off my chest

LST - I feel for you so much you poor thing. But you have done the right thing for you and your dc. Princesshob is right, focus on yourself and the children and remember how bad things were before he left - and I bet they were worse than this.

Princesshobnob - Now you know for certain he's lied and you have absolute proof (I know how it feels not to trust your own instincts any more, they are such convincing liars) then use it to give you strength. He needs to face up to what he's doing, he is treating you like dirt and you deserve a better life than this.

I wish I could take my own advice!!

thanks ladies.... and you are right , things were worse before he left - in one way.... now there is other, different stress - and I do feel very stressed....

Princeshobnob - what are you planning to do next ? I so know what you mean about doubting your own eyes/sanity etc. myex h was a master at this.... but hold on, what you know is right IS right and he is just trying to manipulate you...

GUP where is your h now ? hope you are ok xx

lst - I know things can't be easy, but you have definitely done the right thing, especially with his violence towards your children. Try and concentrate on that when you face all those other stresses. At least you now have control over your finances, and no one to let you down again, and again.
Have you tried the single parent threads for support as well?

Dp said he was going out for a drink last night, asked me for £10. Came back 3 hours later, wanting sex - saw he'd taken £50 from his account earlier.... same old stuff. He denied it, claimed the building society computer playing up, hadn't really withdrawn any money!!!! Stayed in bed till 1.30pm recovering. Last week he said he'd taken time off work, and we could use time to go out as a family. He's barely seen dd from lunchtime saturday til lunchtime today, and even then would have sat upstairs on compuetr if I hadn't nagged him to attempt to be a dad.

Told his mum he was still doing it and that I wanted him out but didn't seem to be able to get him to leave. He knows I spoke to her, is now worried what I said. Says he likes being with us, doesn't want to go, he'll go to a ca meeting on Monday.... sound familiar?????

I cannot separate him from what he does because of his addiction. I say horrible things to him, he's inviting me to watch film with him, cuddle up - I say I hate him, and that he's done exactly what he wants since Saturday lunchtime with no regard for us, how can he expect me to even like him.
I don't think my response to his behavious is helpful, but I feel so bitter and angry.

GUP - I know what you mean. I know I need to get him to go, but it's hard to stay strong.
But I only have 1 life, I don't want it determined by him and his behaviour. I can't control his behaviour, but I can try and take control of my life more

Hello everyone - i am so pleased to find this thread and can identify so much with a lot of what has been said.

I spit up with DP in July after 14 years because of his drinking. Over the years it has been like a canker in our relationship and I have tried so hard to help him out of it. He had long periods when he was sober but in the end I could not live with the deceit of it or that crushing disappointment when I would realise that yet again he had had a drink.

GUP I can so identify with you feeling addicted to him and your feelings of hopelessness and anger that, as the child of an alcoholic you have chosen to be with one. My father was an alcoholic too and one huge motivation for me in wrenching myself away has been to look at my little dd and think that by separating hopefully she will not be scarred by the endlees arguments about drink that I endured when growing up nor, hopefully, will she end up with an alcoholic.

He left 3 months ago and it's been very very hard as initially he was sober and back to his charming lovely kind charismatic self. Now he has met another woman who will probably try to fix him too and is drinking again.

I have been going to REalte to try to deal with the anger sadness and grief that I am going through but it's very comforting to have this thread. i hope we can be a support to each other.

I am in awe at how fluent you all seem - even writing about it chokes me

Hi. I remember you Zookeeper from one of my old threads. I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you and your h.
We went to Relate on Monday night and got a lot of stuff off my chest. I think it helped and although dp tried to give me the blame for his drinking, the counsellor wouldn't let him do that and basically said he needs to control his drinking or walk away from us.
He went to the docs too and he told him to keep a diary of everything he drinks for 2 weeks and then go back for another appointment. I don't think this is the answer as he can go without drinking, so unless another binge happens in the next 2 weeks (which I definitely don't want) the doctor won't know the extent of the problem.
He's really making the effort to do something about it but its so frustrating. We badly need to have more Relate sessions but they are £46 a session, so we just can't afford that every week, even if we could there is a 6-8 week waiting list and a lot can happen in that time.

Welcome Zookeeper - sorry to hear what you're going through. How did you decide to split up in the end? Was it your choice or his? Are you able to feel any relief that you're no longer living with an addict, or is everything still so difficult?

GUP - I think that Relate do have the ability to offer free or cheaper sessions if you don't have much money. i think it depends on what funds your branch has available. I went once on my own about a year ago, and that's what they told me anyway. I found the initial visit really helpful, to finally have someone to just pour everything out to.
Might be worth checking out any other counselling organisations too, as I think there are some that charge depending on your circumstances. Because however helpful it is £200 a month is a lot of money if you go every week.

Dp still saying he should stay here, things will be fine, we should buy the house together... I've said that if he wanted this all so badly, then he should have tried harder to change, but he just says, oh, i won't do it again, it'll be fine. Now, how many times have I heard that....

Thanks Princess - I'll look into that, although I think we will have to find the money somehow if necessary. Its too important to miss.

Your dp seems to be totally in denial about his problem, and the only way he will face up to it is when he has lost you. If you throw him out it doesn't have to be forever, but just until he can prove to you he can be trusted to stay off the drugs. I don't know much about it, but I would say he needs to get professional help with this, its too big to just give up on his own.

Thinking of you - I know how hard it is

hi princess hobnob - I ended the relationship which is why he is so furious - someone said earlier that theperson living with an addict had to hit rock bottom too and that's how it was for me - the crunch came when we had a row one morning and, having broken my neck to get the kids out of the door and into childcare I drove past our local park and glimpsed him sittting on a bench with a can of special Brew at 9 in the moring. I cried all the way to work becasue I knew that I had to stop this for my sanity.

I do have days where I feel brave and proud and strong to have ended things and other days where I feel weak and ashamed and wonder if I could have done more to help. I miss the lovely person that deep down he is .

I was very upset to find thast he was still drinking, albeit not much after he left - I suppose secretly I hioped he would staighten himself out, get a job and beg forgiveness for the pain he has caused me . He is very angry and his postion is that we had a good relationship(!?) and that we could have salvaged it with couselling but I had -and have- got to the point that I couldn't bear the disappointment if we got back together and he lapsed again.

In some ways he has made it easier for me to wean myself off him by meetin another woman three weeks(!) after his departure but I still find myself worrying about him and wishing he would stop drinking. He was my soulmate for many years

Ginned up mummy, we went to Relate some years ago and it did help us both enormously and maybe would have done again but I just felt that I couldn't and wouldn't spend more energy fighting it. I am going now alone to deal with the anger and confusion I now feel - the first session was £40 but they have said that they have some sort of bursary to reduce that although I don't know by how much. I hope you can still keep going as that must be a positive thing for you.

i don't know whether to think that you should give up trying to help him or to congratulate you for not giving up - it's mad isn't it?

It's interestin to hear some of you say that noone knows about the addictions. I thought that too and have been amazed at the amount of people who have asked me if it was the drink when I tell them we have split up. I know now I won't go back to him because if asked I openly say that we separated becasue he is addicted to alcohol. It is not may shameful secret any more and that is a relief.

I really must start proofreading my posts

Zookeeper, congratulations on being strong enough to leave him. I think the problem is that you know what they can be like when sober, and you hope they will change, and that keeps you hanging on for longer than is right.
After all, if someone asked me if I'd ever choose to be involved with someone who lied to be all the time, spent all our money like it was his, with no concept of responsibility for a family, was unreliable, sometimes uncontactable for hours, barricaded himself into rooms, smoked in the house (when high) etc etc - I'd laugh. As if! Who on earth would live with someone like that??? Yet here I am, over 18 months of living with him, and still putting up with it. Even if I am trying to get him to understand I want him out now.

GUP I think it's really great you're so determined to get the counselling, I think it's very positive. A psychotherapist I know said if someone says they can't afford therapy, they wonder if that person doesn't value themselves enough to find the money. So, guess it shows you value yourself, which is good news for whatever you choose to do.

I've looked at the families anonymous website. They say you need to accept that you cannot change the other person, you need to let them take responsibility for their addiction, let the consequences of the addiction occur, and set boundaries for yourself for what you accept. (Hope that's reasonably accurate)

Of course if you look at it that way none of us would give these men the time of day, but they are not constantly like this are they. The 'windows' in between when they are so lovely are what makes us stick around.

Zookeeper, I know what you mean, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying with him, its just that at the moment splitting up would be more painful than staying with him. I'm prepared to give it 100%, at least then if it all goes wrong I can definitely say I tried!

There are many people who suffer from addictions, and in some cases their loved ones actually enable the addiction because they want to help. Sure, you want to help the one you love to overcome addiction, but you definitely to not want to enable the addiction any further.

Take a minute to think about an addict. They intend to continue what they are doing no matter what. Why not go ahead and get someone to help him with the addiction? You see, without someone to enable him, an addict would need to start dealing with all the consequences that his actions cause, which could actually bring the addiction to an end. Unfortunately many well intentioned enablers actually help to protect the addict from the problems that are a result of the addiction.

In some cases family members actually help the addict get the drug in a safe manner to try to protect them. They are afraid that they will get hurt or that they will go with withdrawal and so they go on to help their loved one keep using, which does not fix the problem at all. Some of the actions that may signal you are acting as an enabler include making excuses, lying, and helping your loved one to get what they need. This means you are no longer helping them, you are enabling them to continue in their addiction.

Usually this type of behavior starts out quite slowly over time and in the beginning is just behaviour that is used to help smooth things over. People want to keep their family problems a secret so they keep their mouth shut. Also, many times denial of the problem actually affects the enabler and they rationalize things away to try and avoid the problem that is occurring. Sadly, the problem will not just go away.

Once a person starts enabling an addict, it turns into a cycle. The person who is addicted never has to deal with consequences, and so they continue in their addictive behaviour. Since their addiction becomes even worse, then the enabler gets drawn deeper and deeper into the problem. Soon this turns into more chaos in the home, which an addict will use for an excuse to continue using.

So, how can you get this cycle to end? Well, while the person who is enabling the situation may be fearful and full of shame, at some point this will probably turn into anger. While they may try to bottle it all up, at some point it is going to come out in an explosion. They will be sick of excuses and they will need to decide to lovingly detach themselves from the situation.

This means that now there are no more excuses being made by the enabler, and suddenly the addict has to deal with the consequences of their addiction. In some cases this may lead them to try and find treatment for their addiction. Usually people who go for treatment either get tired of the addiction or they end up experiencing a dramatic crisis that leads them to seek out treatment for the problem.

It is important that you never protect a loved one from this type of crisis because you may be keeping them from finding the treatment that they need for their addiction problem.

"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying with him, its just that at the moment splitting up would be more painful than staying with him".

Hi GUP

Why do you think this is?.

I think that Relate will help you more than him as he still appears to be blaming everyone else except himself for his problems. He's never had to face up to the consequences of his actions.

I have no doubt at all you will give the Relate sessions 110 percent and it will help you but whether it will help him is entirely another matter. I don't think he wants to hear it.

I hope as well you have counselling on your own as you yourself have issues that need addressing.

I'm finding this thread fascinating.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father. I seem to meet nice men with decent jobs/career paths, no signs of any alcohol/substance problems etc and yet within a year of being with me they've given up work to sit around drinking/smoking weed or whatever.

It's not just once this has happened, it's EVERY serious relationship I get into and I don't understand what it is I'm doing to make them do it.

Dear FBJ

just wanted to welcome you to this thread...

I too met a man who appeared to hav everything going for him. I trused him with my ds, we maried and we went on to have 2 more dc's.

then he turned into an abusive drug addict who hit his kids. he stopped working, stole our money, stole drugs from my bag ( i am a health care professional) and almost destroyed me with his lying manipulation and emotional abuse.

I cant believe that I didnt see it coming.

I could never ever trust myself to make another relationship because i clearly dont know my arse from my elbow when it comes to chosing men.

never again

If you find out what it is that makes them like this then let me know!

Zookeeper - well done for getting him out...

no energy to say more.

beginning to wonder if I may becoming depressed with my total lack of motivation/enthusiasm......

lst x

Hi everyone

Lemontree , your posts so describe how I feel - I have three young dcs and on top of everything have days when i am simply worn out with the day to day drudgery of looking after them and dealing with the finances etc etc alone. I do have good days but I have some days where I am on the verge of tears all day.. It galls me to think of exdp having a childfree life dong all the things that we did before chidren but with another woman whilst I am struggling to keep everything together. He's even joined a bloody private health club - at least he'll be a fit alcoholic!

I cope by going to bed at seven with them some nights, and trying to get out on my own where possible. Any tips would be welcome.

I'm ok today - I do have glimmers of excitement that I have a potentially alcoholic-free future ahead of me but do get feeling of overwhelming sadness and guilt that I gave up on him but it was so awful towards the end I had to stop it .

how is everone else today?

Hi everyone.
Sometimes I honestly think I'm going to go mad.
He just tells me it's better he lives here, that he cannot go, and makes plans for the future.
He says I am childish, that other women live with partners even when they don't want to for financial reasons
Everything is turned round on me. I know my response to it all is not great, I'm probably childish, let my anger get the better of me, cannot stay calm and reasonable. But I am beyond frustration. After I told his mum, he went to her and said it'd been his birthday, he'd been drinking, I was wrong about what i thought he'd been doing. I was furious. He says I shouldn't tell my friends what he does. Now he's undermined me talking to his mum. I left a message for his mum saying he was lying - childish probably, but I'm sick of covering up. He's angry his step dad might have heard message - but why should I protect him?

I wish I could leave but have no where to go, this is my family home, I shouldn't have to leave. I think he's controllling and manipulative, and whatever my faults, he is wrong and I do not have to live with it, the way he seems to think.

Sorry for huge rambling post, but just going out of my mind with the stress of it all. Anyway, I've found a family support counselling type group that meets on Monday. Now just have to find a baby sitter. I need to go for help because my life is only happy when he's not here.

Princess

can you seperate yourself from him as much as possible; financially; practically ( sleep somewhere else) and emotionally.

I know that feeling SO well (beyond frustration) .... I lived with it for years, and it was so SO emotionally draining. I have so much more energy now I am no constantly sapped by wasting my frustration on him.

You DO NOT have to live with it. Can you see a solicitor and find out what your rights are ? or the CAB???

Zookeeper - I know what you mean about feeling guilty that you 'gave up on him' but honestly what other choice did you have ?? a future where you continued to be atthe mercy of his drinking or the potential for a happy alcoholic free life with you dc's
In the end ( and now) I did not/ do not LOVE my husband anylonger. In fact in reality i dont even like him... if he were not my husband Id never bother with him...so how could I possibly ever want to be married to him????

I feel evil when I see how much some of you love your addicted partners - as tho maybe if I had loved him more I would have put up with more. But honestly his lying, manipulating, aND DRUG ADDICTED VIOLENCE HAS KILLED ANY AFFECTION I ONCE FELT FOR HIM

GOD I AM A COW

LST - you aren't a cow. I don't think I really feel anything for my partner any more. Because the person I loved isn't real. At least they aren't while he's s wrapped up in his addiction. He says he loves me, but he doesn't act like he does as far as I'm concerned. The good qualities are part of him, but at the moment the addict part of him, and the behavious that goes with it are a larger part I feel.
I think if it was my child, I would of course always love them, because they will always be my child, and they don't have to do anything to earn my love. But i think a partner is a choice, and they do have to earn love, and deserve love.

I do sleep separately from him, although he doesn't like that - he always wants cuddles - no interest in sex unless he's high, which is of course when I certainly don't feel like it but have usually ended up going along with anyway (hence unplanned pg & then mc).
Financially, he gives his money to me, then spends it all, plus my money - doesn't have a bank account due to past debt, only building society, so that's tricky. Feel so trapped. If we don't get into an argument, it's like all is normal in his head.